i'm breathing fast
i'm seeing the past
things i don't want to remember
hit me like a blast

anxiety rising
breath denying
i'm hearing their words
i feel like i'm dying

their words hit me like a stab
i crunch like a crab
that they stepped on
i feel a jab

words bleed out of my chest
as i remember what i don't want to
i'm not ready
wait... just let me

try
to
forget

It happened again.
How dumb of me to think I could go more that 24 hours without it.
My worst enemy.
My best friend.
My problem.
My solution.
I don't even know why.
It just happened.
I'm so sorry.

i don't understand
i just don't understand
why every single time
i cover it with a sleeve or cargo pants
and tell myself
"that was the last time, i'm going to stop doing this."
but its happened so many times
i know it's a lie

Slice
Slice
Slice
I told myself i wasnt addicted
Cut
Cut
Cut
I was doing so well
Scrape
Scrape
Scrape
Got in a fight with my friend
Bleed
Bleed
Bleed
Why do I do this to myself...

Blood bleeds through my jeans
Red blotches, displaying my shame
My pain
Yet they still believe me when i say im ok

I miss the days
When I could just eat without thinking about it
Without counting the calories
Without shaking with guilt
Without feeling so awful that I shove my fingers down my throat just to pull it out
To remove the weight
To release the guilt and shame and food into the toilet bowl

The cold bathroom floor has become comforting.
Knowing that after kneeling down on it, my hands trembling
I'll lose weight

The showers after
Always hit different
The skin and cuts sting
Lose my soul
While blood falls down the drain
The next 15 minutes always hit different...
Red liquid flowing and gushing out of my cuts
Cuts

        Cut

                  Cu
                        
                                C

It almost stings
As much as your words
Soap
Wash my mouth with soap
Said too much
Told you too much
Said everything wrong
I can't do anything right
Rub salt to my wounds
Please

I’m not fragile
I’ve just been broken
So many times before
That the glue is unable to hold.
I’m not fragile, am i?

i hold my skin down
and scrape deep
i muffle my screams
into the pillow on which i sleep

the blood beads up
in an orderly line
then starts to drip
this will be the last time...

Maybe I'm going crazy
Because I think I might like him.
I might want him to like me
Am I going crazy???
Because it sure feels like it.
Haha maybe I am 😅
Maybe I have a crush
Maybe
Just maybe
He does too

today
i was changing after PE
(in the girls locker room, of course.)
too scared to come out to the school.
i was changing out of the blueberry colored sweatpants
when a girl commented
"how did you get those cuts?"
"do you have a cat or something?"
and i just stood there
like a rabbit
hoping
that if i freeze
they won't be able to see me
they ask me if i'm okay
...
i ran away

i know
that i have problems
but i think that they're starting
to turn into issues

i don't know what's wrong with me
but something was happening so long ago
and it still repeats in my head
makes me want to shut my eyes and go

i don't know what's wrong with me
but i can't talk about it
no matter how hard i try
i'm just to scared to admit that i've been through some ****...

i don't know what's wrong with me
every time i see those awful people
every time there's a loud noise or a crowded room
it just reminds me that the whole world is sheeple

i don't know what's wrong with me
their words repeat in my head in an infinite loop
their mocking keeps coming up
feels like i'm in a boiling *** of trauma soup...

haha i don't ******* know what's wrong with me!!!

Today
I was sitting at the dinner table
Behind a baked potato
Scared
Uncomfortable
Anxious
While my parents kept watching me
I sat there
While my brother
And my sister
Ate with no problem
No second thought
**** i wish i could be like that.
When everyone else got up
My mom looked at me
And said out loud
"can you just eat it? Its not that hard."
The dumb thing is
She thinks shes my savior
But she makes me feel like I belong in an asylum
Everyone was looking at me
Judging
While tears slowly fall
From my blurry eyes
The thing is
She doesnt even understand
She thinks i dont want to eat
But I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
"I cant."
I mouthed
Silently
And she said
"Yes you can! Youre just being dramatic."
No, not said.
Exclaimed
She told me to take a few bites
I did
And I got up and walked away
And set my 1/10 empty plate
Next to the sink.
I went downstairs.
She yelled down the stairs
"deadname, get up here. You need to eat more food."
I ate some more.
And then I went back down
To sit with the guilt
I know shes trying to help
But please dont tell me to try to be grateful
Because she is just making things worse
My therapist agreed
The hospital agreed
So now
I will sit
And cry
I'm my room
Try to avoid getting blood stains on my sheets
Try to hide my tool
Try to get better
Because I do want to
But these people dont ******* understand.
And they need to stop pretending that they do.

bombs
rain hopelessly from the sky
blood
forms pools around our best friends
pain
is all we can feel
so, we send them bombs back.

10 years of drawing
9 years of being friends
8 years of being bullied
7 years of being bullied by you
6 years of guilt
5 years of trying to fit in
4 years of writing poetry
3 years of letting you manipulate me
2 years of knowing something was wrong with our friendship
1 year of trying to tell you
0 years of freedom

I sit at the table
While a different part of my brain
Tells me that I can't eat
Or i'll go through more pain

The bullies will come back
They'll hurt me more
I hate my life
I miss how it was before

Why is it so hard to eat
Why is it so hard to talk
Why is it so hard to run
instead of choosing to walk

I don't want to gain weight
I don't want to lose
I wish that whether I eat or not
Is something I can choose

My friends have started to notice
How little I eat….
I don't want to talk about it…

dance to the song,
you beautiful ballerina
we are all watching
don't mess up

move your feet,
you beautiful ballerina
or we will attach the strings
to your useless little limbs... again

paint a smile on your face,
you ugly ballerina
if you smiled more
more people will like you

why did you eat that,
you fat ballerina?
you'll just gain more weight
you wont fit into your size -5 dress

you made a mistake,
you useless ballerina
maybe you should just go
nobody even wants to see your show.

Quit hoping for freedom,
You disaster of a ballerina
You are our marionette
We have full control

Stop lying,
You rat of a ballerina
We have never hurt you
We just discipline

Stop being dramatic,
You drama queen of a ballerina
You dance
You don't act

Stop moping,
You hideous ballerina
Just because he doesnt like you anymore
Doesnt mean you have a right to frown

Start smiling,
You sad ballerina
Nobody will like you
If you frown...

you deserve better,
you precious, imperfect, kind, sweet, beautiful, nice, wonderful, friendly, injured, hopeful ballerina.
leave this awful place.
you deserve so much better...

eyes watch in the dark
paranoia; always there
heart stops with each glance

Its just a dream
Ive always been dreaming
I have to wake up

Its all an illusion
It always has been
I have to wake up

They arent real
They never have been
I need to wake up

This is all in my head
I dont remember anything
I dont think i ever have
I need to wake up

My hands are shaking
They always are
I need to wake up
I need to wake up
Its all fake
... i need to wake up

i want to forget
the awful things that you did
but they keep repeating
repeating
repeating
in my head
so every night
i lay awake
letting your words repeat
repeat
repeat
in my head
forever
until the day i die

haha
i really hope that's gonna come soon

they call me she
they call me a liar
they tell me that im not trans
they tell me that I should be set on fire
They call me a sin
They call me fake
They tell me that ill never win
They call me a ****
They call me a creep
I'm just expressing my gender identity.
I just want to *** in the right restroom.
What
The
****
Do
You
Mean
By
That?

TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTired
Thats me

Someday you'll figure~
You'll figure out that I love-
That I love you so~

You don’t know what it's like
To try
And try
And try
With no results

You don’t know what it's like
To cry
And cry
And cry
Tears full of salt

You don’t know what it's like
To die
And die
And die
Every second you're alive

You don’t know what it's like
To lie
And lie
And lie
But nothing
Will ever
Ever
Ever
Get better.

it's just a bitter pill to swallow
one that should fix my mind
one that should make me happy
one that should make me kind

it's just 150 MLs of drugs
to put you to sleep
we've prescribed these pills
so that none of your problems leak

it's just a pill case that's bursting at the seams
no problem, no sweat
these pills are supposed to make me see nothing but smiley faces
but i still feel nothing but dread

if the prescription doesn't work
should we up the dose
or should we stop
because my mental health is a budding rose
making me want to drop

the pills have stopped working
well, i guess they never did
but i don't want to concern the doctors
so it's always something i've hid

pretend i'm doing okay
say that i feel fine
they write it down in their little note pad
i hope they don't know that i'm lying
i hope they don't know that i'm crying
i hope they don't know that i'm dying
every second i'm alive

if they could read my thoughts
would they send me to the hospital for the second time?
because if they do
i'll stay silent...
like a mime

no words
just like last time
running out of rhymes
so i guess i won't speak
poetry is how i talk

I never think of life
As a wet on dry watercolor painting
Because its more similar
To wet on wet
You put a dash of color
Joy
Emotion
And it spreads
Like a virus
But a good one
Life isnt realism.
Life is abstract.
So treat it like that.
Imperfect
But in the end?
Beautiful.

Do you ever
Look at a blade
And think
"Well... that belongs across my throat."?
Do you ever
Look at a bottle of pills
And think
"I should take them all."?

Because I sure as hell do

On my first day in hell
The teacher gave to me
a bunch Of homework

One my second day in hell
The teacher have to me
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my third day in hell
My teacher gave to me
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fourth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fifth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my sixth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
6 pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework
Halfway done!

On my seventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eighth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my ninth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my tenth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eleventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my 12 (final) day in hell
My teacher gave to me
12 year-olds to manage
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

And now, to repeat it all again

Today
I visited a cemetery
For a geocache
But I found
Something else
I visited the Italian section
Hoping to find some of my culture
But I found
A small grave
Sticking out of the ground
Labeled
”Alice”
It had her parents names
And nothing but her date of birth
And death
She was seven months old.
Her poor parents
She never got to speak
To walk
To wonder
To make friends
To go to school
To get a job
I wonder
If her parents still think about her
If they're even still alive

Poor baby Alice…

a kingdom split; the people torn
Rehoboam's rule; a northern scorn
ten tribes north, two tribes south
a corrupt ruler, spit foaming at the mouth

the people's trust
lost in the air
this system
is less than fair

but in the dark
we will fight
we will get what we deserve.
rights.

i just want things to go back to normal

i just want to be
a normal human being
is that too much to ask?

why can't i just be
a normal human being
like everyone else

i sure wish i was
a normal human being
but i never will be

Its all a dream
The sky too blue
To be real

Its all a dream
I turn and turn-
But the mirror stays unchanged

Its all a dream
Faces i know are familiar
But they blur, leaving a smooth canvas

Its all a dream
I can't remember who i am
I keep forgetting

Its all a dream
Words melt together
Like a collage of confusion

Its all a dream
I'm here
But not at all

Its all a dream
Everything is so distant
Yet its all I see

Its all a dream, isnt it?

i can't pick up the pieces
every time you break
i have my own
to retrieve from the floor

i want to
c r y
but i am in a crowded room

i hold back
t e a r s
but they fall anyway

now i am
a l l  a l o n e
but i cant get the tears to come out

i want to
c r y
but i cant
not at all

Empty words
Never mean anything
"I love you"
Means nothing when they don't show it

Empty words
Are useless words
Because actions
Speak louder than words

Empty words
Are worthless words
Because heavy words
Will always be more meaningful
Than weightless ones.

Trust me on this

My eye is twitching always
It didn't before
I wonder if something changed

i once read this quote
and before i read it
i though nothing so short could make me cry
but there it is
"the night after i commit suicide,
i woke up.".
i don't know what it is about this quote
but every time i read it
i break down crying

i can't tell if it is hurting me
or comforting

every notification on my phone
telling me something is going wrong
another corrupted plan succeeding
another million people gone...

every news story in the morning
telling me I'm going to die
another failed hope
another savior plan gone awry...

every word out of your mouth
telling me I'm a worthless *******
it was so long ago
but the forest fire is still lit...

every word of yours i remember
keeps repeating in my head
telling me i'm useless
and that i'd be better off dead...

I can’t breathe
You aren’t there
But your words
still cover my mouth
And I wonder
Will you ever let go?