First of all you must know that death
Does not always come in bright flashes
of black and red.
Sometimes, he comes in subtle waves
of blue and green.
Death does not always appear so suddenly
sometimes death crawls. Inches its way
into your heart and makes itself loved.
Enticing the victim with peace and warmth
do not listen.

one.
It starts with the first day you can't get out of bed.
The first day death holds you down and embraces you.
With your arms weighed down by lead shackles
and every breath you take takes in sand in place of air

two.
Death is now your friend
and you welcome him freely inside not knowing
what he has planned for you.
At this point you may find red streaks all over your body
in the form of cuts and scratches
He will tell you its's because he's trying to get out.
He will convince you that these cuts.....
they will make you better.
He will maintain that it is true because
He says that you'll bleed out the broken shards
of glass left inside your veins.
Afterwards he will ask
"Now, doesn't that feel better?"
it will.
and then maybe
He will tell you about the pills.
He will tell you that these pills are special.
Made specially for you to cure the crazy you thought you always had
the crazy you probably always had...
you don't really remember anymore.
He will tell the best part of the pills
He will tell you that it doesn't matter what kind
you just have to take enough and it'll be ok.

three.
the last sign that death has invaded your body
is this.
You will wake up in the morning with little to no recollection
of all you've been through. You go about your day as if
all is right with the world.
but at night, you find yourself sitting at the ledge
of your 25th floor apartment window .
then
He's in.

I'm tired of seeing my face
I'm tired of waking up
I'm tired of going to sleep
I'm tired of being home
I'm tired of going out
I'm tired of my family
I'm tired of friends
I'm tired of people who don't give a ****
I'm tired of people who do
I'm tired of people
I'm tired of sitting on chair
I'm tired of standing up
I'm tired of standing up for myself
I'm tired of being let down
I'm tired of letting people down
I'm tired of letting myself down
I'm tired of all the colors
I'm tired of the sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
I'm tired of breathing
I'm tired of talking
I'm tired of eating dinner
I'm tired of eating stew
I'm tired of getting thinner
But I'm still not tired of you.

I’ve run out of reasons not to hate myself

5 years ago I tried to **** myself but I couldn’t

tie the right knot. I tied it around my neck

but it just kept slipping, like me, slipping like walking

on ice, like my tongue when I talk to you, slipping.

What a slap to my face huh? A suicidal kid

who wasn’t even smart enough to tie the noose

he was going to use to **** himself because

he felt he wasn’t enough, ever.

Failure: My story’s recurring theme

Migraines: My annoying next door neighbor

Migraine medication: His daughters (All 15 of them)

I kept making myself “better”

Stopped the cuts

No more pills

clean

But it came back

I tried to stop it, I really did

Happy. My motto memorized. Happy

Happy. Rehearsed and repeated. Happy

Well, 5 days ago I tried to **** myself. I wasn’t enough

Happy wasn’t enough.

This time I googled how to make a proper noose

wasn’t even that hard, really.

It was ready, I was ready, notes for everyone

tucked away in individual envelopes in my bag

and clear and concise instruction on where, when and to who

they should be sent to.

I would have died. Wrists, thighs, hearts, and eyes

carved

Deaf, I became deaf. From all the screaming inside telling me

to do it and the whispers outside not to.

5 days ago I had my head in a noose, ready to jump

Then you called asking how I was

“Bad, really bad.” I said

“Tell me about it” you replied

5 days ago I was about to **** myself but you stopped me

But you won’t always.

1) I am very observant

2) I am a very good listener

3) I dont get in the way of things, I'll let you do your thing

4) When you're sad you'll find me with my hands out reached towards the sky gently plucking the glistening stones from the endless obsidian, just to give them to you. "They remind me of your eyes" I'll say.

5) I like to go out on dates.

6) I'll never forget the first time we kissed.
(Beneath the resplendent moon and underneath the flower laden fence at our friends 18th birthday. Me in my Black suit and silver bowtie and you in your black spotted dress with your frilly head piece)

7) I can be that sweater in the back of your closet that you never really take out. Just there waiting and watching but always ready to be worn when you need it.

8) I will love you more than light loves the day more than the moon loves the sky I will love you more than silence. More the summer sunday afternoons.

9) I will write you vague poems, just so I can tell you I love you.
and I hope you keep loving me too.

They tell me lightning won't strike me again
but then again, when
have hollow words wavered will
wrought of steel,
we'll feel fire
formed from dying sparks
fading hearts, long walks in parks
darkness drenched in rain
maybe it could numb the pain
it would, it should, maybe
it could do good
mended masks on burnt faces
found in places showing stolid smiles
sewn under tired eyes
hours fly, farewells, goodbyes
cut ties
but
I swear to you
lightning will strike me again
and all I'm wondering is
when

I'm sorry that I didn't come with a disclaimer.

I should wear one around my neck though.

WARNING: If you love me you'll have to get used
                       to the loaded gun constantly pointed
                       to my head. Safety off.

Trust me if I could let go of it I would,

but it's still here. It's me. Just as my body is, It's me

I am not a build-your-own ******* person.

I am everything you see from the hair edged with pink

down to the wrists laced with red. I am the

comic books I've read and

the suicide letters I've written.

You cannot cut the crusts off this sandwich.

Get ******* used to it or get the **** out.

Here is a letter
Because my hand moves
More smoothly and fluid
Than my tongue and my
Blood rolls down my finger-
Tips painting pages better
Than words roll past my lips
To speak poetry so...
One. I'm sorry i hurt you
You let me into the darkest
Parts of you and I, like a child
Holding a bucket of paint
In a white room, ruined you
I'm sorry.
Two. You forgave me.
Thank you.
You wiped clean every streak
Of pain i drew on your walls
and yes, i left some stains
But you are beautiful still.
You always have been.
Three. You love me, and I
Love you.
I do not believe love is magic
Love is patient as you are with
Me and it is quiet
Like i am with you and love
Love is human.
It lives and dies
And i hope it dies with me
Four. You will lose me
One last time. Before the end
I will hurt you and everyone
I hold dear. One last time.
Five. I will never tire of seeing
Your face. It will keep me sane
In our years apart.
And six. I will wait. Here where
Its calmer. I will wait for when
Your hair grays and teeth yellow
And when your memory shifts
Like sand and you forget us
I will wait. And when you finally
See me here
Seven. I will listen to every story
You had since i left and i will hear
About every single morning you
Spent with another and i will
Eight. I will tell you i love you. For
The first time since i left i will tell
You again, i love you. Fresh
Off my tongue like the first time
I uttered those three words
I love you.

I am an architect of sorts
I create houses for people
houses that keep inside
all the things they wish they said
all the things they wish they didn’t
All the happily ever afters that never came to be
all the good bye and farewells that
were ever someones displeasure of letting out
I create houses
that hold all the possibilities
of tomorrow and yesterday and forever

I am an architect of sorts
but I don’t build houses for people to live in today
I build houses for people to live in yesterday
for people to live in tomorrow
I build houses that contain the moments
that never happened in each mind
the times that were wished to be gone
I create, with words for living moments,
pieces that immortalize memories and
experiences lasting for forever

the words I lay serve as the
foundations of humanity

I am an architect of sorts

Life's kinda like being held at gun point.

Showing everyone you're ok

Acting natural.

when you're freaking the **** out inside.

Just tell me to leave.

and I will leave behind the promise we signed in blood

in the past, where you left me

Well, my hearts doesn't beat like it used to

He's been battered and beaten pretty bad

and I can count with my fingers

the hours he has left

It's the toughest that he's ever had.

My nights were too long

So you left

with every part of me

that mattered.



Goodbye.

You came at night
where no light ever survived
from the night you arrived
but no you werent blind
you had a spark lit in side
and it let you see
beneath my sea
and crashing waves
graves that filled my head
all of them wishing me dead
graves of my words and dreams
you shared your light in beams
like streams into my sea
see, you never were the pain
you were all I stood to gain
and again and again
since I was ten
just a page without a pen
then with lighting
you came as rain
you were all that kept me sane
but all was sadly lost
cause to be sane one heart's the cost

You've such a beautiful smile

you give it to everyone you see

I wish  you'd keep one for yourself though.

but no matter.

You can have my smile for today

and for every tomorrow to come.

I think maybe

I gave too much

For too long

It feels like theres nothing

Left to take.

Nothing left to give.

And the center of my body

Where I  used to keep

Every whisper of love for you

For me. For everyone.

It just feels

Lighter.

It may be empty now.

But thats me now.

Nothing like before

But thats me now.

Now, the cold.

The cold doesn't hurt so much

Some poems I write on paper
Paper I'll burn later that day
So that all that'll remain
Are the beats in my chest
And the aches in my head

Some poems i hold on to
So that after years from writing
When memory fails
And hearts beat to different tunes
All that'll remain
Are words inked on paper.

The day is winding down, 5:49pm. He sits in a room full of people, alone. Music blasting in his ears to numbs his head, keeping away from people is this easy. Her words still ring in his head.

“Go **** up somewhere else”

Reminds him of watching his family time as a kid. Family time where mom cried, dad screamed, and this little runt crept under the blankets reciting to himself “Blankets keep the monsters away”

“Leave us the **** alone”

His head was beating now, it hurt so much. He couldn’t shake the constant THUMP THUMP THUMP in his head. He thought how maybe his head would explode and it’d be all ok after that.

“Do you want to ruin every one of my ******* relationships”

He didn’t understand why anyone would be like this. He was broken everywhere and he was surprised there was something left inside him to break, maybe thats why the thumping in his head grew stronger.

“I can’t believe you lied to me to my face”

They echo in his mind. He meant every word to her. He told her how he felt and sure he made mistakes but his heart was sincere. He didn’t lie

He looks around. So many people laughing and smiling and cheering. How the **** could they be so happy, don’t they understand whats happening. This man is at the edge of his sanity and people are laughing, being happy all around him. Can’t they see shards of broken glass in his eyes? Either the rest of the world is oblivious or they just dont care. Both equally terrifying.

He waits another second, closes his eyes, and shouts. When he opens his eyes all he sees is black. Dark. He blinks and stutters until he shakes the dark off and he sees everyone doing exactly the same thing they were doing.

He packs up, swallows the words, feelings, screams building up in his throat and leaves.

I've spent years at loves door

With bloodied knuckles I begged

Each time I knock she'd just

bang the door harder.

Imagine my surprise

When it finally opens

And I see you on the other side

Knuckles Bloodied.

I wished to be with you and I wished to be free
but see they told me to only choose one
I could not see what it meant to be free
So I chose you. But choosing you
proved not so true when from your neck
your face turned blue too
Now i see, that to choose you so true
would be to choose “free” but not for me
but free for you and only you.

I find myself clawing at the rays of light.
The way they flood and cease. Rivers to droplets
seeping through the cracks in the wooden walls.
They run through the gaps in my fingers too,
sometimes they go right through me.
Blood and veins glowing from the seams.
I can never figure out where they come from.
Or why they choose to illuminate me.
There are beauties in the world that beg
to be seen. They deserve the light I receive.
I want to give it all away. My spot in the visible.
Give me the silence of the dark. The empty
that surrounds. I’ve longed to wear it again
like a second skin; cold and comfortable.
I want to return to the dark I know I am worth.
Unseen, unheard, unbroken.

I like the light that bathes me.
and how it feels like wind.
But I feel the way it cuts
and I think it’s been too long.

Go.

Out into the world.

With storms and salty seas

And scorching heat and sand

With flowing rivers and forests

Degrees of wonder from stone to boulder

People from all over.

Each with faces painted.

Different stories and songs

That would bring you to tears.

Or fill you with joy.

Go

Out.  And have your fill.

And once you've seen all there is to be seen

Felt all there to feel

And loved all manners of people.

I'll be here.

Waiting.

Right where you left me.

I've been finding it harder to be sad...
But I know it will be back
and as sure as the sun breaks through
the pitch black of the night sky
on an early Sunday morning
I will not be ready for it. Ever.

I know it's against my rules
to write down names but here goes

••••••••

Just the names that slips my tongue
bleeds happiness so much so that
it numbs me, makes me forget
forget the smell of iron
and makes me forget the many
shades of red that we can make
and instead reminds me of the smell
of freshly cut grass. Reminds me
of the amazing spectrum of
blues, purples, and whites  that
the sky has always had but somehow
remained hidden to me,
faded into the background.

I'm not telling you this to tell you
I'll never get bad again. because
I will. Soon.
My night will come again, dear
and all I ask is that you remain my sun
Giving me distance when it is needed
but never letting me leave your gaze
Always beneath your effervescent glow
You are indeed my Sun ☀
and my Moon ⚫
and all my Stars ★

Do not kiss lips that stutter, with lips
that shiver like they were frozen
because chances are she'll struggle with
words of comfort. Not for you. For you
she would squeeze out every sweet word
that might curl the edge of your own
lips

But kiss her not For you. Kiss her that it
might calm the quakes in her heart that
leaves its wake on her lips

Put your heart in her hands that the
beating of your heart gives her peace
that the heat warms her hands

Kiss her again, kiss her broken lips
that you might taste the muffled screams
and feel the sentences lost between the cracks

Maybe we aren't meant to be

Maybe our lives are not stars

meeting in the same constellations

or

maybe I am not the one

meant to walk you down in black and white

and

maybe we aren't meant to be



but we are.

and that is much more than I can ask for




Tomorrow or not.

I know I love you now.

When I look around

At all the fallen poets around me

Friends, family, strangers.

I think of you.

You who blessed my fingertips

You who gave my heart so much

And took a way much more

I think of how

Your hand no longer

Moves as mine does.

But I know.

I truly know you are happy

Where you are.

But I stand here,

With ink and sorrow,

To live out what you gave me.

A hand that writes

And a heart alight

I was a broken toy
with uses finished
food long gone bad
a ticket long past date
but you picked me up
and saw not garbage

In me you saw brand new
Happiness
In me you saw comfort
after a horrid day at school
In me you saw silence
after screams and shouts of anger
In me you saw laughter
like a milk mustache or children in snow

In me.... you saw sadness
Sadness you spend your life trying to escape
Sadness you hate
you loathed
but still, sadness you let in

In me you saw madness
it was madness I saw in me too
but still you loved me

So in you, oh divine, you
I see purpose
and it's all I've ever needed.

Tonight I cannot sleep
My head is screaming loud
I stand at edge, so steep
I stand and stare, no sound

Last time I saw your face
I saw your grace, as well
as glass thats lost its place
glass, no one else could tell

shattered glass no one saw
rested upon your cheek
to the 'round of your jaw
with pinned lips you couldnt speak

as broken legs can't walk
your broken lips can't talk

It's been three straight days
and I've forgotten the moon
and the calm of night

I was born with glass in my veins

Let the shards out through slits in the wrist

But somehow a few found its way to my heart

With equal part pain and equal part promise

To bring me an end in the most colorful of fashions

A rush of bright red out the chest

And a flush of pale white in my face

I wondered what it was like to love

But then again, I guess I always knew

On the worst of days, I had nightmares of civility.

the calm I once craved, that which gives me breath

the very thought fills me with dread.

Promises unfulfilled, years later, forgotten.

But this time, they’re better left lost.


I never asked for this now.

Reminders of my lacking.


On the worst of days, I could still hear

the tearing of pages. Words pushed between

feathers half-hoping no one would hear
them.


Sometimes I think you did.

Sometimes I think you heard every word I craved,

took each one and pinned them to your eyelids

just to help you remember. Because you wanted to remember


On the worst of days, I still have nightmares

of civility, or savagery, I can no longer tell.

The quiet I thought I deserved within reach

only separated by the wall of actuality.

To think the hopes pulsing so lively in my veins

saw themselves stop with no intention of returning.

To this day, I still have nightmares

even as the rain stopped pouring.

Well, you did it.
You left me. And though
you maintain that you did it
for me
I will always believe you did it
because of me

Because from day one I knew
I'd love you far more
than you would ever love me
and I knew I could be the clouds for you
I gave all of me. To you.
In the rain, but you let me through you
you let the pieces of me roll off your skin
like droplets of rain that fell to the ground
and seeped down far beneath the earth
to where I am now
which I can only assume to be hell
because you're not here. And I am.


I  l̶o̶v̶e̶d  love you.
and I really thought you were the one
and you told me I was the one.
But I held on too tight. I know I'm sorry
I messed up too much. I know, I'm sorry
and when you said I needed to learn to live
on my own I said
Ok, I'm sorry.

But I thought
finding the one meant you never had
to know how to be alone again
I thought finding the one
meant you would never have to feel alone
again
I thought finding  the one meant
I would never have to feel my head pounding
and my heart racing in a crowded room
because I felt alone because
I thought I'd have you.

It seems I thought wrong.
wrong like when I actually believed you
when you said
you l̶o̶v̶e loved me.

I've been to places unimaginable

I've fought beast on planes unfamiliar

killed demons within

walked on fields of glass

and waded through oceans of fire

only to not love you

but I still do.

How curious, love is
You spend most of your time looking for it
Then when you find it
You spend your days staring at your watch
For the precise moment it ends.
Tick Tock Tick Tock.

Why the **** should I forgive you?

Why should i give you space to breathe when you

yourself gave me nothing but a heart black and blue

wrists cut to ribbons and a complex that says i’ll never

ever, be good enough.

for anyone

I want to hear you scream at the top of your lungs

Im sorry

It isn’t your fault but i find you the most convenient

one to blame. You did nothing but live and breathe

but you whispered hope into my ears

and I guess that was my fault for attempting

to decipher what was plain and simple

Im sorry

but  I need to hear you say it

I need to hear you swear it like you mean it

Im sorry

Sometimes we're just left wondering why
why we do the things we don't want to
why do we go to schools which teach us nothing
why do we try to learn things that don't mean anything to us
why do we force ourselves to go to places
when we'd rather just stay at home

why do we stay with people who leave us alone
or feel nothing while we scream
why do we care so much
for those who care so little
because in the end we cannot blame anyone but ourselves
for the things we do but do not want to
why are we so afraid of breaking the expectations
expectation others set for us for our lives
in the end it is our own lives that pay.
In the end it is our time that is lost
spent on things that meant nothing to us
done for people who we meant nothing to

Sun and Moon. Perfect.
Dancing across the sky. Love
without thought of time

Night. The Moons domain
The slow beating of a heart
Life's quiet exhale

Day. Plain of the Sun.
The softness of howling winds
Life in its purest.

Sun and Moon. Broken
Never meeting, but forever
Love, unrequited

Baby, you're like the moon to me

you bathe me in your resplendent

silvery light.

You give me rest.

You give me peace.

But baby, do you stir the oceans inside me

He sat on his bed, thought of her and nothing else...

He remembers sophomore year. He remembers the salt spray
and the moonlight that bathed them.
He remembers her handwriting as she wrote his name
on the soft sand beneath them
He thought of love, and nothing else.

He remembered the end of sophomore year and how he hurt her
He remembers the very words he used to deny her
"We're just friends" like a bullet the words pierced the air
towards her chest. His cold voice assured her that she was nothing
special.
But the young mind is stupid and easily confused so much so
that when he said they were "just friends" he meant that
She was the everything that came to his mind
when people talked to him about love

He remembers Senior year, when they got back in touch.
He remembers the empty conversations they shared
filled with "How are you?" 's and "Have a nice day" 's
that killed them both each time the phrases left their lips

He remembered sophomore year again, at the beach
he remembers her soft, freckled skin and the moonlight
as it shone from her eyes.
Like diamonds born through heat and pressure.
He remembers she was beautiful.
She didn't think so but he did, he knew it.

He remembers she left
and he remember it hurt.

He tells us that she's the everything he knew he needed.

"I don't love her" he says.

"Yes you do" we told him.

I'm sorry I'm so difficult to love.

I'm sorry you can't love me with one hand.
One holding my hand and the other on your phone with an ambulance on speed dial. I'm sorry I have the impulse to hide myself whenever I'm with you. It's not that I dont want people to see you with me but more of I dont want people to see me with you  because you're amazing and I'm ****** up and you're way up there and I'm down here and you're beautiful and I look like a foot and you're smart and I'm dumb as a ******* ******* rock and I know you keep telling me I'm not but I cant I cant I cant I just cant ******* fathom why'd you'd love me and why you cant ******* see that I'm a just an early monday morning, a long walk home when you're tired, a bad hang over, a test you didnt study for. I'm just something you have to get through. I'm sorry you have to go through me. I hope you feel better when it's done.

As the new set of days rolls in

I am overcome with dread

Over the truth that nothing...

Nothing really changes tomorrow

At least no more than any other day.

I guess this is it

Welcome to the New Year

There is no clean slate

You cannot restart the game

Only continue.