I hope you bleed.
I hope you cry.
I hope you scream,
Beggin' your god
"Whyyy, ohh why?"

I hope you see.
I hope you hide.
Remember me
As the bad guy.

I hope you keep
It together,
Long enough
To remember.

I hope you peek
In all the books
They tell you not to.

I hope they reap
Your pride.
But not all that truth
Ya' got inside.

I hope you know
This world don't matter.
So if you got a light,
You gotta let it show.
Let it show,
Let it show,
You gotta
Let that heart glow.

If ya' got a light,
If ya' got a light,
If ya' got a light,
Ya' gotta
Let that heart glow.

You will bleed.
You will know.
It will hurt,
But you gotta
Just
Let the scars grow.

You will see
Others lie.
You'll never really
Get why.
It's the worst,
Trust me, I know.

But ya' gotta just
Let 'em go.

Let them go,
Let them go,
Let them go.

Ya' gotta just
Let that hurt go.

You've got that light,
I know y'know.
So you gotta fight,
Ya' got places to go.

So go,
So go,
Ya' gotta just
Get up and go.

So go,
So go,
Ya' gotta just
Let that heart glow.

No one is chasing you,
But no one is looking to you.

Please love anyway.
Because if you get a say,
We will need you
To light the day.

Who are you,
When no one is around?
Who are you when they're lost?
Who were you when you're found?

Lost, lurking in the shadows,
"We won't back down,"
You grasp their thread tight,
"We can't go down without a fight."

Did anyone
Ever let you believe
That you should be
Loved unconditionally?

Your eyes reflect the sunrise,
Which leads me to surmise
That this was disguised--
That this never felt right.

Yet here you are
Standing so tall
While you bear
The weight of it all
On shoulders so brittle,
On shoulders so small.

You keep moving,
There's no way you're losing.
You'll give it your all,
You'll never stay where you fall.

You reach up towards
Every hope
You're fighting for.
You stretch yourself so far,
Just to comfort the stars.

You hold light within your palms,
If you love one
Then you have it all,
Because love without faith
Is just emotional withdrawl.

You're the hope
That has me reaching,
The love that has me preaching,
And every promise
I intend on keeping.

Because the world keeps sleeping
When support is what you're needing.
So the lights fade low,
You ask yourself
"Where did the time go?"

But don't you already know?
You have length to show,
No strength in rows.

You count the hours,
You call the crows.
So grab your shadow,
Replace your ammo.

You know what to do,
You've got something to prove.
You give it all you've got,
Because you got a lot to lose.

"It's the only color I call home, because where the flora is green, life will always be seen." By K.A.S.

The storm ebbs,
Always at the very edge,
Teetering off the very ledge.
The storm flows,
But it just never moves,
It just never goes.

I remember when your words dressed me so proudly.
I remember when your eyes said love so loudly.

But I guess I was right,
Because every sunshine day ends in a cold dead night.

You never knew what I meant
When I swore every breath of yours was heaven sent.

But I guess I was always wrong,
Because we just sat in silence,
Forgetting all our words,
And forgetting all our songs.

But I still love you from the highest sight,
I still love you to the dimmest light.
I still love you every day,
I still love you every night.

But if a time should come
Where our future is unclear,
Know that I love you always,
I'll always be waiting right here.

I think
You might think
That maybe I didn't feel when our ship began to sink.

I think you didn't notice
The break in my heart,
And in all my other parts.
Because you turned away
When I started to decay.

I don't know if you'll ever tell me
Where we were led astray,
But I know, now,
Nothing green can stay.

Yeah. Nothing green can stay.

I am a
No good
No-one
and you can't
Tell me
Otherwise.

In the end
I've found
All that really
Matters
Is who you were to them,
A year before you died.

Because I put a bullet where I should have put a helmet,
Along with Honesty and Sincerity,
And all their friends and Virtues.

Rebirth is easy, it's living that gets tricky.

Reborn as a sinner:
Love me,
Hate what I do
Best.

What I do best
Is watch you fall to pieces
Limb from crushed bone limb,
And what I do best
Is write sad songs
That I hide away in a corner of my
Closet(ed mind).

When you die,
They remember you with flaws they had of their own.
They make it about them,
And their pain,
As though being a martyr
Could actually bring you back.

(As though a martyr
Could actually come back)

So call me Apathy,
That'll be my new name.
A lack of empathy
No pitying sympathy.

Because I cannot seem to make you realize,
I do not empathize
Nor will I ever sympathize
With you no-good
Nice guys.

I'm a bad guy
What can I say,
I'm the villain, the antagonist,
I was put here as a test--

I went wrong,
I went far beyond wrong,
I took a wrong turn onto the wrong path in the wrong forest
Where I just don't belong.

So goodbye for the night, and maybe the next few,
But remember my number not name, as only the living seem to do.
So just remember these words, from time to time:
I am a lack of the holy seven--
You see, in place and in honor, I make nine.

Have you ever been
To where I was born?
Have you ever found yourself
Without a rose in sight,
But you still had a mouthful of thorns?

Did you ever sit in the silence
As the wolves sang to the moon?
Did it hurt when you realized
No one is going to sing for you?

Does it hurt when you remember everyone who came into your life
Just to go?
Did it make you sad,
When you found that the only familiar voice
Was your own echo?

Love, who am I to you?
No, please, just: who am I to you?
Am I the sunshine you wouldn't wait to hold onto?
Or am I the melody that's always been the only one to really know you?

Have you ever found yourself
Sitting where I was found?
Did they ever hear the breaking for themselves,
Everytime they let you down?

When was the last time
You decided not say that you're fine?
When did you feel "I love you."
Was real, and not just a pretty rhyme?
One that we beg for,
After every night
After every fight.

Welcome to Lonely.
Population: Just you... and just me, too.

you're the other end
that tugs so tightly
on my red string of fate.

you're my soulmate, my one and only.

you once were so willing to help silence all the chaos in my head. all the loud of the world, and all the toxins that tried to leak into me from my past to turn me into the very same monsters.

but still

your laugh, your smile, it makes me bubble over with gratitude. when you are glad to be with me, when you know I love you, that warmth glows and glimmers in your irises as clearly as starlight in the very heart of the deepest woodlands during the darkest nights.

my lovely Bluebird of Peace, my valiant Archangel, you are my Anamchara.

you See me.

But You Are Colorblind.

It's been a pretty long while, huh?

I don't know how long it's been since either of us have checked in here.

And I don't know how long it's going be until you check back in again. I'll probably pick up writing again, though, probably very soon.

You and the guys are talking about King's and how most of them had women on the side other than their wives (something I just overheard)

I've heard you complain
All night
About wanting another girl
When you slipped a ring onto my finger.

I heard you thank them for cheering you up,
When you told me nothing was wrong.
I'm so glad they cheered you up.
I'm so glad someone finally cheered you up.

The concept of the end gets closer and closer each time it starts.

Each time, I am more alone.
More detached.

Farther away.

Each time, it hurts more.

Each time,

It breaks me more.

But they never see.

They never notice. They are distracted. So distracted.

They all say they love me so.

They all say I mean so much to them.

That they appreciate me so much.

But then they leave me, after telling me leaving me alone might be dangerous to my health.

I can't wait for the end.

I am made of iron
I am made of fire
I am the steel of your heart
The blaze of your lighter

I am the embrace of your arms,
The warmth of your gaze,

I am the burning cold of the blade
As it cuts them down
As it cuts them down.

I am no damsel in a tower.

I am longing for the skies.

Longing for the skies.

Look at you.
So forced, so empty.
Look at you.
You keep snarling, "Why you? Why didn't he love me?"

Look at you.
Viciously pulling at marionette strings
That were cut so long ago with so many other things.
Look at you.
Stabbing picture frames.
Look at you.
Cursing my ****** name.

Look at me.
Eyes burning black as tar.
Look at me.
More deadly and more beautiful than a dying star.

Look at me.
Writing word after word, as though words could change anything.
As though I could ever change anything.
Look at me.
Covered in blood, covered in ash.
Look at me.
And you thought you could hurt me with some broken glass.

I say, You've come so far,
Turn away from the bars.
Don't you want to see what's next?
Please, come here, into my arms.
Step away from the ledge.

b u t  n o b o d y  h e r e   w o u l d  c a r e, i f  i   live  o r  i f  i  die.

And I say,

" How can you be,
So utterly blind?
If you were to just up and die, this world would be devoid of yet another light.
People you wouldn't even think of would breakdown and cry.

She tossed me a smile,
And I thought I got through,
But life has a way
Of playing horrible tricks on you.

She reached for my hand,
Thanked me for my words,
Promised she wouldn't make a mess upon the land
Beneath us.

I tried to grab her, pull her back.
But she slipped through my fingers, like a ghost.
I fell to my knees, my forehead on the ledge, my stomach in knots.
She didn't know, that I was the one when we lost her, I was the one who would lose the most.

I would cry the most.

Because I loved her

T h e

M o s t .

You'll leave,
Just like everyone else.

I re-re-re-re-repe-repea-repeat
just like a broken record.

But, surprise.

It wasn't you.

You were blazing
Burning
Lightning,
Pushing yourself too far,
And it was worth it every time.

I was the stars
In a night
That already had too much light
For me to be seen,
Getting lost in the pull
To recede back into what I was.

But you found me
You found me.

You reach out your hand,
Despite your fear,
Despite your pain,
Despite all the hurt that you know.

I did not extend my arm so that my fingers could graze yours.

Instead, I only stared as my sunset eyes
Took on the color
Of the dark, airless vacuum around me.

But I saw your lightning, as your tears drifted toward me.
As your Earth's gravitational pull ****** you back down into your atmosphere.

But you fought it.

You fought it.

And you brought me home.

Ignite the flair in my eyes/the burning light within my bones/break my bones/watch me crumple/bruise me/break me/turn salt water/to blood.

I turn darkness/to fire/I turn your qualms/to fear/I am the outlier/I am the thunder/The lightning/The rain/The clouds/You cannot break me/For you-- and no other born of man-- has that much power.

For I am Powerhouse.

And it isn't my place to cut you down,
But I didn't say I couldn't prepare you.

You are
The ire
That burns the ice
In my gaze

The bones
My wolf dog grinds down
With his fangs

You are the dust
Left in my mortar and pestle

You are the ash
Left by the lightning
From my storm.

I call it
I call it
I call it to thee
I call it
I call it
I call it to thee.

I am the quaking, I am the end.
I am the shaking, I am the bend.
I am the wind, the thunder,
The rumble
That breaks your bones,
You scream,
You beg
But fire will not relent,
And you will not forget.

You have crossed
The wrong Storm Siren.

I used to be thick, inky black regret
Spilling out of an old, tightly closed glass coca cola bottle.

I used to be road rash.

I used to be getting stuck too many times at the hospital, and still no luck with the IV.

I used to be "but these pills are such a pretty color..."

I used to be "but what else is there for me?"

I used to be a lot of things.

Now I am just the blood in your veins,
I am the chilled fall air,
And I the oxygen in your lungs,
I am the carbon of your bones.

I am marrow,
I am mind.
I am all you know,
And each twist in time.

I am the worlds end,
And I am the worlds start.

I am every single part,
Every single note
Of every single quote

I thought I left behind.

You are the air that I breathe,
The songs that I sing.
You are the sunsetsunrise
That I need.

You are the moonrisemoonset
The noon time
I never met

Your heart is all I ever needed
And I am so proud to keep it.

I stretch my sore arms out
Spread my fingers as far apart as they'll go.

I open my mouth,
And with my yawn comes a mighty roar from behind my sternum.

I try not to flinch,
But that old wound hasn't healed entirely
Just yet.

I can feel myself
Begin to crumble from the weight of
My own voice.

But I dig my heels
Of the feet attached to my aching legs into the burning, ashen ground.

I stare up at the blazing sky.
Twinkle of mischief in my eye.

Tell them to rest easy--

The dearly departed.
Because I'm just getting started.

If you had waited for me
Just a little longer
These angelic wings
Could have
Been yours
Too.

Kiss my palm

My hand touches your cheek
My thumb caresses your bottom lip.

You can't help but finally smile at me.

You run your calloused hands
Though my wild tangle of
Dark fire hair.

You pull me close.

It is not what I expect.

You tell me
"I told you to forget."

I sigh,
"When have I ever listened?"

I wait.
I wait and it rains.
I wait and it rains but I feel no water.
I wait and it rains but I feel no water yet his fingers wrapped around my wrist burns an imprint, a brand into my veins, my bones.
I wait and it rains but I feel no water.
I wait and it rains.
I wait.

I can feel myself floating
I travel beside him as he drives for forever,
AsI lay my head to rest every night.
He knows I'm there,
But he never dares to look at me.
As if
He's afraid
Smiling in my general direction
Will make me real
Again.

And if
I am
Real
Again
He could
Lose me
Again.

YOU

Did this.

YOU**

Broke this.

you dug around in my head,
you found things that weren't yours.
but you wanted them.
you wanted them.

YOU TOOK ME BY THE HAND.
YOU DUG YOUR NAILS INTO MY WRIST.
BUT YOU SMILED,
"EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT."

I PLAY THAT LIE ON REPEAT
EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

you stitched my wounds back together
with rose vines and lilac.
i always told you i loved the smell,
but you never seemed to notice
that the thorns always tore me open again.

YOU DRAGGED ME INTO THE DARKNESS,
IT COULD HAVE BEEN HELL OR JUST A CLOSET,
BUT YOU TOLD ME THIS IS WHERE I'D BE BURIED.
I BEGGED, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
YOU GRINNED, THIS WAS THE END OF OUR VESSEL TONIGHT.

every time i want to scream, you convince me to whisper.

I am coming,
For all his stars they turned to shadows.

I am coming,
For all the hurt they gave him.

I am coming,
For all the turmoil they put him through.

I am coming,
For all the demons that ever dared touch him.

I am coming,
To protect my monster.

For all they have put him through...
They have made his life a nightmare.

So I will become theirs.

I was the crashing waves,
I was the rip tide,
I was the storm--
The ebb and flow only ever tamed
By the moonlight in his eyes.

But you

You were predictable,
The way you moved so lyrical.
You were both the tree sprout,
And the atomic bomb
That ripped its' roots out.

I was the crash of water into flesh.
I could heal, I could bruise;
Either way, the feeling was always fresh.
There is no soul I won't one day possess,
There is no dream I can't hinder the progress.
Toy with me,
And the oxygen in your lungs will be suppressed,
But, hell, nevertheless...

You are land,
You are plants.
You hold still
Your instability.
But in this/ your insanity
You have no deniability.
You did this to me,
You must finally
Hold some accountability.

Tectonic plates shift
And tear
They rip
Year after year.

What comes from the sea
Can always return to the sea.

The end of you,
The end of me.

My waters will swallow you whole.

I touch my temples
Where they always mentioned
My red horns used to grow.

I think about what they did to me,
And wonder why I am the monster.

I feel the beast within my soul
Lurking,
Prowling,
Waiting for his chance
To pounce.

I reach for it.

I make contact
With blood red horns.

A leathery tail lashes behind me.

Maybe I am the monster
They always said I was.

But then again, monsters are made.

I am their child, after all.

With each blade
Shoved into the flesh of my back
I am more flexible
In my breakage.

My skin feels hot to the touch
As the fire beneath burns closer to the surface
Than ever before.

I push myself.
To stand.
To walk.
To do anything,
Just move, ******

You knock me down.

I do not get back up.

I saw you,
Once.
You had a name,
Once.
A home,
Once.

You were held within my womb,
Once.

But you never got a breath of air.
You never got to know your name.
I never even knew you where there
Until it was too late.

I had you for five weeks.

It was too short.

Today, I said goodbye to a fertilized
Chicken fetus
Living in the shell
Of an egg I cracked.

Two lives
I never meant to take.

I held a funeral for them
In my back yard.
Burnt what we had,
Wrapped in paper, cloth, and incense.

Gave him a name. A headstone in our yard.

I wish I had done that for you.

I'm so sorry.

"They never made a proper term to describe us."

She began.

The candle light
Flickered
In the warm
May breeze

She swirled the liquid in her cup,
She said it was wine.
It looked more like gold.

"But, still, they tried..."

Sucubus
Siren
Demon
Her lips curved around the word,
Almost
Fondly.
It made sense her name was

L
I
L
L
I
T
H

Lillith

But, when she placed her glass down, she stared up at the moon, her amber eyes glistening, almost bright yellow.

Witch.*


I don't remember the rest of the night,
But I know it was filled with kindness I've never known,
And it smelled
Like jasmine
And gardenias.

You are the light
That spears my heart,
You were there
From the very start.

If I am the guiding star,
Let me find you,
Wherever you are.

In the depths of
This glistening night
You stand firmly at my left,
But it is right.

My fire is the blade
Of your lance,
And you are the
Burning, yearning
Light of my soul.

When all is said
And when all is done,
Lift your head,
Aim for the sun.

I know you really
Just want to give up.
You don't care about what could be,
It's too much to stand up.

It would be so easy
To fall through the ground.
It would go so simply,
If I just wasn't around.

But I sigh,
As I lay among the soil and dirt.
I don't have time to die,
I have to get back to work.

See, my life isn't mine.
I'm not living for me
But for the people whose love has defined
This life.

When the clouds draw near and you can't hear the shouting over your own tears, it's not going to be who you loved that destroyed you, but how much.

And even then, I promise it will have been worth it

I feel like my head is spinning

But when I look in the mirror,
It rests on my neck, tilted slightly to the left,
As though out of curiosity,
Just like always.

I feel like my chest is caving in

But when I touch my sternum to check my breathing,
It's sits firmly in place,
Only moving with the quick rise and fall of my lungs.

I feel like my throat is closing,

But I drink water and it goes down smooth,
But I wish to god it would drown something,
Not me but the me I was.
The me I'll never be.
The me I've always been.
The me that wasn't good enough
The me that wasn't worth keeping around,
The me that he tossed out like garbage.
The me that you signed away.

But I swallow the water.
It is cold in my stomach,
And it sits there,
Sending shivers through my body until it becomes the same slightly-colder-than-average-but-warmer-than-this
Temperature as the rest of me.

If only.

If the hellhounds nip at my ankles--
(And they will)
Promise me you will put flowers at the foot
Of my coffin,
To cover the stubs
That they left.

If angels call for me--
(And they just might)
Hold my hand close to your heart,
But let my summer sunset voice
Fade away into the first night of a too-cold fall.

If the world tries to pull me underneath its cold, damp crust,
Then remember me as I was.

Remember me as spacey.
Remember me as guilty.
Remember me as filled with sorrow.

But most importantly
Remember the smile I smiled just for you.
Remember the laugh that bore your name.
Remember how my hand felt in yours,
And how bad it hurts to see it in his.

Remember my voice as it spoke your name, soft, sweet, and tasting like cool blueberries on a hot spring day.

And remember how I burned it to the ground
With hell hounds at my feet,
With angels at my throat.
Remember that I burned the bridge,
And spat blood into the ashes,
As this Earth swallowed me whole

And I was

Born.

First to die

Now to live

You crossed a line.

We were doing so much better.

You were doing so much better.

I was a fool.

The storm rolled through.
The lightning lit up the night sky.
Thunder crashed against my
Too-sensitive ears,
Making my too-skittish frame
Flinch closer to the corner of the wall.

The rain poured.

The world fell apart.

The clouds fell from the heavens.

Fire sprouted from the ground,
Consuming all in its path.

And I loved you.
And I loved you.
And I loved you.
And I loved you.

The shadows scuttled across the floorboards.
The deepest depths splattered their inky muck across my wounded flesh.
I was held to the ground,
Venom poured into my open veins,
My blood steaming and my pride screaming.

And you loved me.
And you loved me.
And you loved me.
And you loved me.

The sun came out,
The trees grew back.
The grass was greener than before.
The sky, all the bluer.
Your words, all the true-er.

My scars healed over.
I painted over them,
Though the venom courses through me, even still.

You hold me close when it heats my blood,
When my skin grows cold and pale.

You whisper as I beg for peace,
Your hand running through my hair,
"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you."

And I know it is true
After all.

I was not born to suffer.
I was not born to run.

I have suffered.
I have ran.

I was not born screaming.
My teeth were not bared.
There was no blood on my body.

This fight in my heart,
This rebel yell,
I was not born with them.
I taught myself this.

These bloodied hands and fists,
These rubbed-raw-by-gravel feet,
I was not born with them.
I learned this.

This gold heart,
These tender words.
I was born with them.

I will leave screaming,
I will leave with my teeth bared.
I will leave bloodied.

I was not born to suffer.
I was not born to run.

I have suffered.

I will run no longer.

Don't you recognize me?

Don't you see it?

It's me, the monster you made.

It's me, don't you see?

You created this.

I have no rage left for anyone else.
I have no venom for anyone else.

All this toxicity,
All this poison,
It's all yours.

Every spider crawling up your spine,
Every chill choking at your throat,
Every burning tear leaking out
Of your yellow, bloodshot eyes.

It is I,
It is me,
The monster you made.

I have a
Cheshire Cat Grin.
Just as mad
Just as eerie.

I have a Cheshire Cat Smile,
I'll coo to you in the wisps of your rage,
"Oh, but didn't you know?"
But you never knew
You never knew,
Did you?

I have a
Cheshire Cat Grin,
Because I am just as mad,
Just as eerie,
Just as innocent,
And just as deadly,
Within the words, the stories I spin,
The webs I weave.

I have a
Cheshire Cat Smile,
And, Darling Dear,
I'm Mad as a Hatter.

Did you hear?
Did you hear?
The crash and the clatter?

Did you see?
Were you there?
When all that red splattered?

I am the
Voice of the Trees at Night,
I am the
Whisper in Your Bones when Panic Takes Flight.

I am the
Cheshire Cat
And honey, look at my smile.
I am the
C
  H
     E
        S
           H
               I
                 R
                    E
(They're burning in the fire!)
                      C
                   A
                T
(What was that?)

Feel the shiver down your spine,
As the air of this toothy feline
Makes you wonder
Where does madness draw the line?

Do you want the answer?
Will you chance her?

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Breathe,"
They call to me.

"Stay calm."
They whisper softly.

I can hear their tears
As they say,
"Remember to pray."*

And we should be angry.
We shouldn't be offering our sympathy
To the one that stole,
To the one that offered up his soul
For the taste of iron and gunpowder
For the taste of blood,
For the sake of leaving innocents
Six feet under tear-stained mud.

It isn't our weapons.
No, with the right morals and the right lessons,
It wouldn't be a problem.

It wasn't mental illness.
Trust me, please,
I know.
This is more than my business.

I know about trauma, I know about pain.
I know how it feels to have a curse become your name.

But we all have a choice,
We all make that decision,
For whether it will be our light or our dark that we choose to imprison.

He chose to use his pain,
To blend with his hatred.
He became his own darkness,
And that can never be forgiven.

You are the words on the tip of my tongue,
The ink on the ends of my fingers.

You are the
Beat--
Beat---
Beat-
Of my heart.

You are the fire in my throat,
And the steadfast in my stare.

You are the the ice on my wrists
And the soul that I miss.

You are the whole reason,
You are my only season.

You are the burn in my eyes.
You are the truth to all the lies.

You are the space in my brittle heart that never cracked,
You are the wings on my back,
You are the ground beneath my feet.
You are just everything,
Everything to me.

It's funny, I think.
I guess it doesn't matter
If my soul is whole
Or torn and tattered.

There's a part of me
That finds peace in the night.
But that part of me
Doesn't always sound alright.

I like to wake up early,
When the world is still dark.
I sit and I wait,
To see if I recognize any part.

I am often reminded
Of hearts I've held in my palms.
I remember them fondly,
Each and every one of their songs.

Some nights,
The past drenches me in a cold sweat.
Some nights,
You remind me not to forget.

Some nights,
I can't tell my truth from their lies.
Some nights,
I find my home staring in your eyes.

I feel myself falling
Into pools of blue
Twirling threads of gold
That always lead me back to you.

Living in your heart
Is walking through a forest
On a cool, mid-Spring morning.
The waking birds and budding flowers rapidly become our chorus.

The ground beneath me
Sinks and soon gives way,
I plummet through the night sky
And find myself waiting on every word you say.

You brush my hair behind my ear,
Kiss the top of my head.
I realize you still think I'm asleep,
As you hold me close to you in our bed.

I smile to myself.
Old wounds begin to seal shut,
Scar tissue holding strong.
My soul, though worn, no longer cut.

Falling into the warmth
Of the heart I know so well
Reminds me of the life we share
That I always tend to dwell.

I stare in the mirror,
But my brown eyes very pointedly avoid my reflection.
Instead I allow my sunset eyes
To pour into the cracks at the edges of the glass.
Not enough damage to the mirror to consider it broken,
Therefore not enough damage to consider it bad luck.

I stare into the scrapes, cracks, and scratches,
Until I see someone I have always been familiar with.
I may be even more familiar with this person
Than I am with myself.

My eyes lock
With what
Almost
Was.

Yes, the Almost!me.
The Not!me.
The Could-have-been!me.
The Just-Wasn't!me.

I am very familiar with her/him/they.

She is athletic, and only smiles when people are around.
He is talented, and his hands are always covered in a thin-to-moderate layer of graphite.
Their favorite color is spit-fire red, and they've seen too much for their age, but they love even more.

See, there are a lot of differences between me and those versions of me,
Like how she has a cute golden blush to her cheeks,
Or how he has a fondness for sunny days and blue skies,
Or that they always pull their friends in for a warm hug before they say goodbye.

But the one major difference is:

When I look at rain clouds,
I see all the potential that rain has to offer,
Not the destruction of my plans.

When my life takes a turn for the worse,
I see my loved ones as a reason to stick around,
Not as reasons to pack up and leave.

The difference is
When I said that I didn't want to be alive anymore,
I had someone who wanted to protect me from myself.

The difference is
When I said I didn't want to be alive anymore,
I was give at least five reasons to stay.

The difference is
When I said I didn't want to be alive anymore,
I had people who loved me that had the guts to try to convince me that I might want to rethink that statement.

So I wave goodbye,
I clean off the mirror,
And I turn off the lights to the bathroom as I walk out.

Each time I walk past my reflection for the rest of the day,
I make eye contact with myself,
As a way of saying
"Thank you for staying."
A way of saying
"Thank you for surviving."
A way of saying
"Thank you for trying to live."
and then
"I really needed that today."

See, the big difference between me and all the almost!me's, is that I am here,
Very firmly and very stubbornly above ground,
Despite my past efforts.
And they...
They are not.

The biggest difference between me and the me that wasn't,
Is that they just weren't.
And I am.

I am.

"The days without you
Bleed together
Until they are nothing more
Than another obstacle
I must overcome."

There is a twisted road
That leads straight between us.
I walk along the forked path
And no matter which way I turn
I always end up in your arms,
Lost in your eyes,
But I know you've found me
All the same.

Your smile is a warm blanket
As it gently settles against
The curves of my body.
Your name blushes my cheeks,
It runs through my hair,
Rests softly on my lips,
Tingling my tongue.

When the painful weight of missing you
Begins to put pressure against my throat,
Squeezing my windpipe shut,
I whisper that you are mine.

And suddenly,
Everything else melts away.
Suddenly, I am free.
Suddenly, I know home is not far off.

You will forever be my always.

If my life
Was a pretentious and overly validated
Piece of literature
Written by a skittish play-write
Who most likely used a pen-name
To write things,
Then my life so far
Would be considered a "Tragedy".
As in, everyone either leaves or dies.

It wouldn't be a Tragedy that made sense.
No, it wouldn't be like Hamlet, or Macbeth.
It would be more like Romeo & Juliet.

As in, it all started because two people
Made some dumb choices.
And then bad things happened.
And then everyone involved continued to make dumb choices
And lots of people got hurt.

My life, so far,
Could be considered a very literal
"Series of Unfortunate Events".

I never was very good
At forming relationships with people.
Friendships, bonds, whatever.
I don't know how to make a connection
With people.
And when I do,
I sabotage it.
Because everyone leaves.
So I burn that bridge before they get a chance
To even srtike a match.

I'm not a permanent-kind-of-person.

I never have been.

I've never wanted to be. At least, that's what I tell myself as the bridges collapse into ash and soot and smoldering embers.

... And then, there was you.

You, the kind of person whose rare cheshire grin lights up the whole room,
Even if just for a second.
Even if it was just there on your face for a second.
There was at least a little light,
For at least a second.

You, who refuses to leave my side.
You, who puts up with my inability to comprehend that you love me and you are staying and that I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to burn our very old bridge.

You, with your thoughtful scowl,
And loving hands.
You, who quietly observes the world.
You, who is always there when I need it.
You, who is always there when I want it.

You, who is my everything.

You, who I love.

You, who I have always loved.

Maybe we'll get a happily-ever-after, after all.

Close your eyes,
Open your mouth.
Count how many lies
Come spilling out.

You always said
I was more of a friend
But then I spoke the truth,
And you marked me as condemned.

I was never really your daughter,
Right?
You held my head under the water,
Right?
Got my soul ready for the slaughter,
Right?

Well, no, not tonight.
I just might
Have a little more fight,
A little more spite,
A little less bark
A little more bite.

You wonder why I'm this way?
So filled with pain, so filled with rage?
You took my childhood and you let it decay,
You took my pain and put it on a stage,
Taking my story
Away from me,
Twisting my tragedy
Into your comedy.

Listen to the howling wind,
Watch my light as it begins to dim,
As my breathing begins to thin.
You ripped me apart, limb from limb,
Left my pseudo-body dead and mostly skinned.

You never knew the truth,
It got taken from you
In your youth.
You never knew the truth,
It was ripped from your gums like a rotting tooth.

Mama, did you ever love me?
Did you ever love anybody?
Why did you leave me so bloodied?
Why must you muddy
Every chance you have
At helping anybody?

Father, did you ever care?
Was life always about
Earning more than your fair share?
Things only matter
If they play on your despair,
And I'm sorry, but that game gets us nowhere.

Was I ever more than a tool?
An object to be used?
A being to be abused?

I would be playing a fool
If my eyes held more fire
Than this calm cool.

It's hard to convince myself not to care,
Apparently it's just so unfair
That my heart is so threadbare,
That my nerves only know of scares,
But you never cared,
None of this was ever for my welfare.
You twisted me with your psychological warfare,
Bringing me to my knees
As I screamed
"No one should ever care!!"
But now my name is simply a prayer,
A prayer from your lips
That will fall into the cold,
And as your eyes grow old,
It will go unanswered.
The last thing you will hear
Will be the tapping steps
Of Death's dancer.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You get a sudden rush of cold late Winter air.
The world smells like it's never going to stop raining.
Your brother and you are sitting outside the garage.
You can't stop crying,
But he's still trying his damndest to comfort you.
You were five.
For three years after, you will still think it is your fault
For coming inside covered in rain water.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

Your eyes stung with tears.
Your chest felt heavy.
But you couldn't tell what hurt worse,
The literal smack across the face,
Or the sting of betrayal when your mother agrees with your father,
That you are, in fact, no good.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You're sitting out in the living room of the apartment.
The room is dark,
Except for a fading lamp.
It is 9:30 at night.
The sun is only beginning to fall behind the horizon.
Your father finally speaks,
After clearing his throat,
A slight cough to clear the residual cold from the ice of his drink-- tonight was scotch, thank god.
He says "Y'know, it's okay if you're a lesbian. Just make sure your girlfriend is hot. Oh, and blonde." He laughs bitterly between sips.
You can smell the alcohol from where you're sitting.
You can feel the dread in the pit of your stomach.
You feel hot anger piercing and burning your palms.
You hold your fists tighter.
You clench your jaw until your head hurts.
You mumble something.
"What?" He snaps, half apathetic, have with a dangerous edge.

"I don't like blondes." You say through gritted teeth. It's only a half-truth. You don't actually like anybody, blonde or otherwise.

He laughs, but you know it's forced.
"Trust me when I say this, you definitely can't afford to be that picky."

Your eyes meet his. Shadow against shadow. Midnight against midnight. You don't speak. He laughs, and goes on to tell you how he's the only one in this family that even likes you, so you better start being nicer to him.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You don't remember hurting yourself,
So when she asks, you tell her
That you don't know where the cuts came from.
She calls you a coward for not having already taken your own life.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You were up all night,
Wishing you wouldn't wake up.
You go to walk out the door to the bus,
You stop in the kitchen to grab something quick for breakfast.
As soon as your hand reaches the cupboard handle, you can feel her gaze on your back.
You decide you don't want breakfast that morning.

"Why are you--"

She's in the hospital again.
You just wanted to celebrate your brother
Having made it another year in this hell hole.
But that's not what she wanted.
You both spend his birthday sitting silently in the hotel room,
Staring out the window,
Wishing that Spring would bring a change along with all the warmth it promises.

"-- burning precious childhood memories?"

Your little brother his crying.
The other is asleep.
But this brother has a cold.
The other is still asleep.
This brother cries
Because he doesn't feel good.
He's barely four months old
So he can't use his words.

He's crying very loudly.

She screams in his face.
Tells him to stop crying.
Tells him to just shut up already.
You jump off the couch
And yell at her as loud as your eight year old self can manage to be.
"DON'T YELL AT HIM. HE'S ONLY A BABY!"

She glares at you,
A wicked snarl,
And tells you that she'll do whatever the hell she wants,
You're her children.

He's still crying.
Now they're both awake,
And they're both crying.

"Why are you--"

"W-why are y-you"

*"Why are you burning--"

Do you think
You could find the solution
To all this confusion
Within the lines
Of our Constituition?

No, no, hear me out,
Listen to these words,
That's what it's all about.

See, you think this is a Christian nation,
So let me explain,
Let me offer an explanation.

The point of this place,
Of our foundation,
Was freedom from persecution,
So let me clear the air
Of your verbal pollution.

See, the answer is in the opening statement,
In the words that expressed our need
For a moral replacement.

Listen, just listen,
To the words that would christen
Ever chance we are given
To pursue our ambition.

See, you want freedom.
You claim that is your cause,
But I'd wait a second,
Let my words give you pause.

Do you want freedom of religion,
Or is it just your decision
To bend with omission
Making the moral-north
Your special brand
Of Christian superstition?

See, you might not like
What I have to say,
But not much really matters
When you've been led astray.

The words that were written
Were giving permission
To speak fact or fiction
In whatever rendition
Suits your composition.

What was said was
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,"
Removing any notion
Of this nation being Christian.

They went on to add
"... or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;"
Establishing that we should dispose of
This notion that no love
Is the only free love.

It was then mentioned
That no one within power
Could prevent the intention
Of speaking loudly enough
That all could listen.

We were told our right
Was freedom of speech
That we all have
Our very own thoughts to preach.

We were given freedom of the press,
To say whatever truth must be addressed,
So we have more options,
More answers
Than just "No" or "Yes".
Nevertheless,
This process
Seems to digress
Away from the point,
To liberate the oppressed.

Listen,
This world is filled with danger,
We cannot take pride in being a nation of strangers,
Where the failings of our system
Is taken out on a teenager.

I just feel like we were supposed to be better,
Than a thread of angry tweets
And a Scarlet Letter.
I look back at those kids
Who have only blood on their sweaters,
And I start to remember
That we, the people,
We, the hopeful,
We don't surrender.
We are stronger together.

And as a former child
Whose smile
Was defiled
And wasn't given a chance
Before being exiled,

I urge you to look at your own,
To thank those you love
For always coming home.

I dare you to look an innocent in the eyes
And tell them there are so many possessions
That are worth more than their lives.

Because, to you,
Nobody is their own.
It is well known
That you will cast the first stone
Until you hear the break of their bones.
Why is it so important to you,
Someone else's *** chromosome?
Someone's reason for leaving home?
Someone making choices for their own?

You act like you do no wrong,
That as long
As you spit venom
The hatred will make you strong
But I know
That you knew all along
The enemy was never me
Or the people
We strive to be,

But it was the voice
That you use so cruelly
And told us not to believe,
So believe me when I say,
There will come a day
One cold Sunday
Where the runaways
Won't run away,
And you'll hear us say
"Come what may,
We're here to stay."

Because the rate of suicides
Is becoming much too high
For us to try
To hide
This monster that's eating us up inside
We try to confide
That it's this or that side
But we are all aware
That if we just put down our pride,
And stood with our hands held together
Our eyes fixed on the sky
We could do better,
We could love one another,
We could accept every sister or brother or other.
It just depends
On how soon we want the bloodshed to end.

This wasn't supposed to be pretty.

This wasn't supposed to be clever.

This is only supposed to be honest.

I just want to die.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Do you hear it?

No?

Listen closer.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Can you feel it?

No?

Close your eyes.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Breathe in.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Breathe out.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Can you hear her voice?

Drip
Drip
Drop

Do you know what she's saying?

Drip
Drip
Drop

I don't think we should listen.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Did it just get colder?

Drip
Drip
Drop

Can you hear it?

Drip
Drip
Drop

It's coming from the walls...

Drip
Drip
Drop

What? No, wait--

Drip
Drip
Drop

Is that..?

Drip
Drip
Drop

She's at the backdoor.

Drip
Drip
Drop

N-no, no please!

Drip
Drip
Drop

It's so quiet.

Drip
Drip
Drop

I think it's over.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Wait...

Drip
Drip
Drop

Do you hear it?

Drip

Drip

Drop

I am what the world was
Before you grasped it between your
Too-warm hands and crushed it into
Nothing more than shrapnel.

You left me there,
With my heart spilling out of my mouth,
With your words tangled up in my throat,
And you told them I was just
"Collateral Damage."

But when I shoved my insides
Back inside
And stitched myself up
With shards of broken glass for a needle
And thread made from nerve endings,
I saw your eyes widen in shock.

You didn't think I had it in me.
You didn't think I'd make it.
You didn't think I would really fight with everything I have.
You didn't think that even if I did, that I'd have enough to win.

You were wrong.

I am the color of your eyes
Before you turned your back and said
"Goodbye."
What I mean is,
I am a shade of something
That is so beautiful,
But could turn so ugly, so quickly,
With a single sneer.

I am the old dog
That reminds you of the dog you grew up with.
I have the same knowing eyes,
The same playful grin.
You look at me,
Eyes filled with anger,
Hands shoving me away from you,
Because you remember doing everything together
With that dog.
You ate together,
Played together,
But one day when you both fell asleep for an afternoon nap,
Only one of you woke up.

I still don't think you've forgiven yourself for that.