These bones are so damp,
Not a million matches could
Dry out the years of decay
And despair that has grown
Like moss.
An ice cold heart freezes
The inferno
That burns in the furnace of my sorrow.

*And I am left to be cold and numb.

The train ground to a halt,
Reluctantly sighing from the fatigue
Of another aching dance along the tracks,
Stained by raindrops and gravel,
I am sorry to make you carry me.
The suitcase thuds against the Tarmac
As I step on to Platform 2,
I am surrounded by other travellers,
Some dressed in their suits and professional stature,
Others dressed in coats and jeans and relief,
I see a boy and girl embrace and kiss,
He takes her luggage and they walk off hand in hand,
Another woman hugs her sister,
Or even a friend
And laugh and kiss one another on the cheek,
I drag my suitcase behind me,
My head clouded with the sound of footprints
Against wet Tarmac,
Walking along the yellow line until I reach the stairs,
Down I go.
New Year's Eve,
Celebration and intoxication
Lingered in the freezing wintry dusk,
Fireworks and beer,
Singing and champagne,
I am a part of it.
I slide my ticket into the machine and it lets me pass
With no resistance,
He waits there in the exit,
Hands in his pocket,
A smile on his rosy face
That has been kissed by the cold,
We leave the station,
Happiness surging between us.

Everything is falling apart,
Everyone is falling apart,
And I am trying so hard to hold it all together,
To keep my fingers from slipping,
Letting it all topple over the edge,
Into the unknown.
Everybody I love is leaving me,
Physically or emotionally,
One by precious one,
And soon it will be me,
Myself,
and I.

The thought of another person walking out of my life,
Another dying leaf falling from the tree,
Makes my chest so tight,
I can barely breathe,
As if they have all kicked me down
And are pressing their feet against my chest
Until finally I break.
The doomsday clock is ready to strike twelve
In my life,
Soon I have to start another journey
To get myself on track
But I'm not ready
And I never will be.
I am terrified,
The last ounce of control I've
Managed to cling on to for so long,
Pretending to be happy while I'm dying inside
Was the last defence I had to survive,
But now I am vulnerable,
Past the point of no return,
History.
Finished.
*Dead.

When I write,
It isn't to document
Every inch of emotion
That spills from my soul,
To purge my despair
And dark thoughts
When they are dragging
The demons in my head
To the surface,
It is a story,
An intricate blueprint
Of each and every step I take in life.
I feel as if by writing from experience
It will allow me to grow as a human,
To ultimately become the person I desire
To be without the need to destroy my body,
I have attempted suicide,
Put a blade to my skin multiple times to find comfort,
Starved,
Purged,
Counted calories,
Found the strength to get help,
Take my medication,
Came out of the closet,
I found love,
I have learned to love and be loved
For who I am,
I have connected with another beautiful soul,
A guy so caring and kind,
I have applied for University and have been accepted,
I have so much more to unravel in this delicate yet complex
Cycle we call life.
I will continue to write every moment that happens,
Whether it is happiness,
Sadness,
Pain,
Desire,
Love,
Hate,
Depression,
Anythin­g.
Then in the future when I look back on what i have written
I will truly see the flights and falls of my past,
The mountain peaks
And the darkest depths of the ocean,
I will see the progress I have made as I swim upstream
Towards my goal,
My dream,
My principal aspiration of becoming an interpreter for the United Nations,
I want to travel,
Be free,
Ride the winds to every continent
And be a part of so many extravagant cultures.

I want to live. I want to live it all to the bitter end,
**Scars, demons and all.

Dust and rubble settle at my feet,
A chaotic collapse
Inside myself that I could never
Have imagined,
The foundations are shaken,
The cracks began to show,
And piece by piece
It all spectacularly fell apart,
Nothing to hold on to,
Nothing to steady myself with
As it all crashed and burned,
Leaving me surrounded by the ruins
Of an Empire that took years to build
And seconds to destroy.

If I ever owned a star
I wouldn't name it after you,
I'd name it after every soul
And all the lives that they lived through,
Watch the world turning and see all the sights,
Just like the satellites.

Punch holes through atmospheres,
Like when the air breaks from feathered wings,
We'd all explore the milky way
And tiptoe across Saturn's rings,
Run with the comets faster than the speed of sound
To places NASA never found.

We wander far away
Where gravity can't pull us down,
Further than Pluto's gaze,
Where toes will never touch the ground,
Creating a big bang that ignites a spark,
Burns out the fear and casts out the dark.

It has been grasped in my fingertips,
The reins that have steered my conscience,
The compass that has guided me through the wilderness
Of myself,
Forests and vast landscapes sculpted by trepidation,
The flowing river of guilt that flows between the cracks
Of my positive façade,
The tables are starting to turn,
The piece of mind I have allowed to dictate my actions
Has shifted towards the edge of a cliff,
Left to plummet to the jagged rocks of my insecurities,
The storm clouds are rolling in from the horizon,
Guttural claps of thunder erupting,
Pulses of lightning striking the last of my happiness,
Shattering it into a million fragile pieces,
Left to burn in the heat of the growing tension
Of my worries,
I'm slipping,
Clinging onto the edge and not looking down,
Not looking down at the twisted fate below
As if I would be staring into the smouldering depths
of hell

I'm too tired to hold on,
I have to let go,
*I have to fall.

It's clear, the ugliness you're hiding,
Unfold the sins that you are disguising,
Liar, cheater, traitor, you're sick and twisted,
Unfold the hate that you are disguising.

Maybe I should burn my whole world down,
With a single matchstick,
Your existence is catching
And that's why I'm so sick.

It's clear, our minds are both colliding,
Unfold the flaws in your silver lining,
Evil, stupid, coward, you're sick and bitter,
Unfold the truth behind your silver lining.

Turn off all the lights,
I want to see your heart glow
And your true colours shine
Like a spectrum,
Watch the colours of
Sky blue,
Blood red,
Sunset orange,
Apple green,
Dance across the walls
And sing a serenade
Of a thousand dreams,
Let me hold you close
So I can feel the technicolor
Pulse beneath your skin
And ignite a rainbow
In my soul,
Take me to the sea of stars
That glisten in the iris
Of your eyes,
I am perplexed by
The way you sway
With the colours of the night,
A fire in your stomach
That spits embers of smouldering
Beauty,

*I am lucky to be the one that shares your prismatic perfection.