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LJ Chaplin Jul 2014
LJ Chaplin Aug 2013
My mind is darker than the deepest corners of the night,
Ready to shatter when a single beam of light slices through it.
I am not ready for that beam of light.
I am wandering blindly through the darkness,
No sense of direction,
Only the deep and quivering breaths from my chest
And the stinging tears that burn my face.

I have fought a battle
Between happiness and sadness
And it is clear that sadness prevails.
The blades are out
They slumber in the little white case in my top drawer.
I have tried and tried again to ignore its devious presence
But now I found myself falling for its painful intimacy once more.

My dark mind has been dormant for too long,
And I am left cold, naked and ashamed on the concrete floor of my innermost hatred.
I tried, I really did. I'm sorry.
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
I am not the kind of boy who fits the mould of it's social stereotype:
Does sport
perving on girls
has the tendency to treat girls like a piece of meat

No, that isn't me.
I never liked sport.
I was a boy who didn't like to watch or play with Action man or Power Rangers,
Instead I was the kind of boy who would tell his friends that he was going to football club,
When in fact I was going to dance club.
At school I studied dance.
"What lesson do you have next, Lew?"

As the school year rolled on it was revealed,
When I had to perform in front of the whole school,

After that I rolled with the punches:

It angered me that because I didn't stick with the 'traditional' ideology of a boy I was an outcast,
labelled with a stereotype that also didn't fit me.

I like Lady Gaga
In fact, I adore her.
Because I support the LGBT community I am misunderstood as a person.

To this day I struggle to overcome constant attack of prejudice and disrespect that people show me,
I struggle to hold on to that last thread of self confidence.
I don't dance any more. I am too scared to try it again
I don't tell people that I listen to Gaga and Lana Del Rey. They'll laugh at me
Whenever I say I like a girl people think it's a lie

**All of this because I am a different kind of boy.
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
I'd trade a million tomorrow's
Just to have a shot
Of fixing yesterday.

The fighting,
Slamming doors,
Shattered glass,

None of it was worth the pain I have in my chest.
The handcuffs I wear around my wrists,
Is the intervention I've always needed,
But I wish it never had to reach this point,
The point of no return.

It's my fault you have that black eye,
Bruised ribs,
Fractured collarbone,
A broken and shattered heart

And although they heal,
The mental shock won't.
I deserve to be behind bars
While you live the life I never gave you,
A man who will love you,
And the only finger he will lay on you,
**Is to place that wedding ring on yours.
LJ Chaplin Jan 2014
Can't you see she is drowning?
Her heart is sinking,
A Titanic heartbreak,
Broken in two,
Don't just sit there and watch the oxygen escape her quivering lips,

Let the water consume you,
Drag your soul to the bottom,
Anchor yourself to the seabed
And stretch open your arms,
If you can't fire the flare,
At least go down with the ship,
Let her drift into your embrace,
Feel the pulsating current tear away
All final thoughts of fear and insecurity,
Just stay there,
Linger in the abyss of the disheartened
And wait until your bodies are pulled from the waves
**And revived.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2013
Sitting in the corner of the room,
Cigarette in one hand,
Black coffee in the other,

The perfect combination.

The sun is melting into the horizon, merging with the darkening landscape,
Like a flame being extinguished as it is plunged into water,
The luminescent glow of the laptop throws shadows against the wall,
Pinned up by gravity.

The relentless scrolling through images of pretty girls and pale shades,
Vibrant foods and tranquil nature,
I wonder which one I should reblog
All of them.

The cigarette continues to burn,
Plumes of ashen smoke consuming the scent of ancient wood and faded paint.
Raindrops begin to tear at the window,
Fogging up the glass,
Echoing through the hallowed halls.

The coffee is gone,
It warms my veins.
I suppose I better make another cup
**After all, this is what I do for a living
LJ Chaplin Oct 2013
When I write,
It is like I am on an adventure,
When I am happy I am drifting down a lazy river,
When I am full of anger I am raging down dangerous rapids,
Crashing into the jagged rocks of my anguish and anxiety
Until finally I reach the river bank and I can rest.

It is like I am scaling Mount Everest,
Each level of creativity is another 100 metres into the sky
Until finally my imagination is at the peak
And my freedom is limitless,
stretching across to the farthest reaches of the horizon

It is like skydiving,
A rush of adrenaline as I plummet towards the ground,
Completely weightless and my mind is racing
Like the air that brushes over my skin
Until I pull the cord and release the parachute,
Safely land on my feet
With a new idea.

It is like a drug,
I am on an all time high,
Hallucinations of what could be,
How something that is far from tangible
Becomes existential,
Then during the come down
I make that dream a reality.

When I write, I feel like myself,
There are too many possibilities
That are still left unmarked on the map of written art.
LJ Chaplin Dec 2013
Nobody knows,
If we'll ever come close,
Dancing in the dark and turning,
Tread on my toes but we'll keep on learning,
Nobody feels,
This feeling that kills,
Like the Earth I'll spin you around,
Hold you tight so you'll never fall down.

Eyes on us but we have stopped caring,
Twirling through the night while the people are staring,
I am not prepared to surrender this moment,
Keep my eyes closed and they will never open,
It's all about us until the music stops playing,
Our heartbeats drown out every word they're saying.
LJ Chaplin May 2014
Stripped down
For the World to see,
Beneath flesh and bone,
Deeper than marrow and blood,
Right down to the soul.
Let them see the veins,
Let them watch as my heart
P  u  l  s  e  s
Nestled between heavy lungs,
Shrouded by an aching ribcage,
A heavy blow
That makes me stumble and fall,
Make another incision
While I lay upon the operating
I don't know what you are searching for,
Nor do I know what you will achieve
when you do find it,
But it isn't here.
Love cannot be found by extracting cells,
It cannot be discovered through
The translucent glow of an X-ray,
Not even an autopsy,
Removing each piece of me,
Could speed up the process,
It's lost,
It's incurable.
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
Angels are not just souls from heaven who possess wings and a halo,
They not just guardians that have been assigned to us by some spiritual being.

For me, angels are far more real and closer than they seem.
They have more than one identity,
More than one face,
More than one gender,
More than one soul to guide home.

They won't help you win your battles,
But will give you the strength and the ammunition to fight,
They will scream through your soul to your demons if they have to,
Just as long as you have the courage to banish them.

My angels have embodied many forms,
From a young woman whose heart is as bold as the vibrant pink in her hair,
Who has used her own personal suffering and grief to empower herself and everyone around her,
Who has continuously fought her demons and aided the banishment of those who dwell in the people close to her,
Who is braver, stronger and has more love to give than anyone I have ever known.
A heart of a Lion. A soul of a Warrior

To another, a young man who is distant but feels closer than ever,
Who has given me the strength to laugh,
Who has graced me with his strong humour and wit,
Who has never strayed despite the long hours that we spend without communication.
A heart of a child. A soul of a Samaritan

And finally another young woman,
She has given her heart to others,
Who has faced days of rejection,
But still has the ferocity to hold on and keep her head high.
A heart of gold. A soul of a soldier

These angels have helped me
To think again
To speak again
To live again

**And I thank them. I thank them and cherish them. I will always treasure their compassion.
This poem is dedicated to some very special friends. They have done so much, it's virtually impossible to thank them. I don't deserve their compassion and support.
LJ Chaplin Aug 2013
Another night curled up in a ball,
Feeling broken, unfixable,
Thinking of ways to stop it all,
Behind a forced smile to stop the tears fall.

Feeling guilty and so ashamed,
I only have myself to blame,
But everyone else is the same,
Turn a blind eye and ignore my name.

A doctor's appointment is so last year,
Barely there to tame the fear,
Pushed those away who were always near,
Just so I know where I am going from here.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
It's hard to stay on top of the chaos,
To walk into college,
Smile at friends,
Go to work,
Smile again,
Laugh some more,
Go home,
Smile yet again,
Make conversation,
Say how good your day was,
Go to your room,
Struggle to breathe because you're panicking
About how you might not be able to do it tomorrow,
Or the day after,
Or the day after that.
I could walk into college and say I'm leaving,
Walk into work and say I quit,
Go home and pack my bags and sneak out the back gate,
Disappear into the night,
So I can finally discard the mask,
Relax my face so my tear ducts open up,
Let the muscles uncoil in my legs
So I can just collapse onto the floor
And forget why I ever bothered pretending.

Anyway, I better stop writing.
I have to do it all again tomorrow.
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
I've always wanted to see what it is like to be me from an external perspective,
To separate from my body
Like a ghost
And watch myself as I go through the day.

I have some idea of how it would be:

He wakes up in the morning, stretching and feeling his muscles uncoil after hours of claustrophobic unrest,
After showering and getting ready he leaves the house and walks to college. It's healthier than taking a bus.
He walks past the crowds of school kids, sorting out his shirt and ******* in a little so people don't stare,
Sighing a breath of relief as they all float past, their eyes only fixated on their phones and friend's faces.
When he arrives at college he braves the main corridor where everybody sits, eyes on the floor but feeling hundreds of others scanning and mocking his image.
It has been a long day, and he finally gets to go home where he can feel free and let himself go a little.

And that's when I'd come back to myself.
I wish I could replay the whole day on a screen,
Analyse every moment of wrapping my arms lightly around my stomach when I sit down,
How I shrink into the background as friends start talking about their *** life and their partners,
When I walk with my gaze constantly skimming across the faded linoleum tiles on the floor,

**I wish I could watch myself from another person's perspective and be that one person who he knows won't judge him, or at least won't feel paranoid about being judged.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
I don't know what happened last night.
The world collapsed and I was left in the open,
An easy target for my demons to claim their place
Once again inside my hollow mind.

Like puppeteers they pulled the strings
On my inevitable urges,
A simple cut became a crevice
And it scared me
It really scared me.
It wouldn't stop and for a moment
I was scared it was the final curtain fall.
The invitation of death has always lingered
Like a phantom,
But I wasn't prepared yet to give up.
But in time everything stopped.

I am deeply sorry,
My apologies are deeper than the pain that I have inflicted upon myself.
I have given up once again
And I find myself struggling.
I never thought it could get any lower than this,
But I fear that this is the surface of what's yet to come.
**Please forgive me.
LJ Chaplin Aug 2014
The taste of liquor on my lips
Cannot compare to the intoxicating
Sound of your voice that lingers in my ears,
It makes my head spin,
Throwing the Earth of its axis
And causing me to stumble to the ground,
Limbs weak,
Words slurred,
The cramping in my stomach
From the stab wounds that anxious butterflies
Left behind,
I dread the hangover you'd leave me in the morning,
The throbbing headache from the empty
Space next to me in bed,
The nausea from seeing the creases on the pillow
From where your head rested,
The dry lips from where you kissed me,
Glazed eyes that still shine from where you said
They were beautiful,

I guess I can ease the pain with an aspirin,
Dropping the memories into water and watching
Them dissolve,
Slowly disintegrating and falling apart,
Only to be swallowed and leave a bad taste in my mouth
Like it never happened.
LJ Chaplin Apr 2015
The lights go out as another day
Draws to a close,
In the distance sirens of an ambulance
Ripples through the stillness
Of the night,
I ache,
I'm tired,
But I'm restless.
The staircase extends beyond my feet,
Up into a blank space
Where light cannot reach
And darkness can wait
For me to enter.
I can feel its eyes on me,
Fixated on my body
As I approach the first step.
I don't know why,
But the lingering presence
Is always there,
As if it waits with arms crossed
And draped against my bedroom door,
It sense my fear and I sense its intent:
To creep into my mind,
To feed off the chaos that stirs
Each and every day.
© LJ Chaplin
LJ Chaplin Dec 2014
I spend my days
Trying to purge you from my head,
Banging my head against the wall,
Rinsing acid around my mouth
To burn away the sour taste you
Left with those poisoned lips of yours,
Sprinting for miles to sweat out the fever
You planted beneath my skin when you
Touched me,
Throwing myself off mountain tops
So that the air would steal all traces
Of the fumes you left in my lungs
When you kissed me.
You are tainted,
Bad blood that lines
My veins with cyanide,
A knife in my back
That burns as the blood
Trickles down.
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
***** dreams from magazines,
Filthy ***** and no other rules,
A generation who are out of luck,
But we don't care, no we don't give a ****.
Concentrating on identity,
Make-up bags and vanity,
Liquor bottles on the floor,
But we'll do it again because we want more.

Drug scares, alcohol,
red lights, fancy cars,
Money, what's that for?
We are living a lie,
We are living a lie.

Cigarettes, twenty in a pack,
Jack Daniels cooling in a glass,
Bad behaviour, that's how we do,
Give us a warning, we'll be laughing at you.
Late night movies, Triple X,
Red lipstick smudges on the neck,
Fifty pound notes scattered on the floor,
But we won't pick them up because we don't want them no more.

ASBO's, misbehaved,
Cop cars, underaged,
Manners, what are they?
We're the bad teens in town,
We're the bad teens in town.
Sorry if it is a little intense. Inspired by the song Saturday Night by Natalia Kills :)
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
Tonight I feel as if the scales are balanced,
I'm not swimming in the ghostly tears of my sadness,
But I'm not dancing in the sunlight of happiness.
After all, what is happiness?
It is almost unnerving,
To feel one half of your mind and soul
Tip-toeing on the edge of a cliff
While the other half is trying to anchor itself
To the centre of the Earth because it doesn't want to leave,
It is an unsettling feeling.
I also feel like there are so many loose ends that need to be tied,
Unfinished business if you will.
I have the urge to pick up a book that triggers me
As if it is my destiny to savour the closing line on the last page
And feel like I have succeeded,
To send a message to every single person who has done me wrong
And has thrown me about like rag doll just to apologise
"Sorry for being such an easy target for you all."

My poetry has become an epistolary,
A series of decaying thoughts that have been woven into words,
Some to purge my dark intentions,
Others to hold on to that small sliver of happiness
Like a balloon tied to your wrist to stop it from floating away.

I hope to keep this balance long enough to pick up the pieces of my derailed being,
**Then it can tip either way and I'll be content.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2013
I've picked a fight with the wrong emotion,
I've fallen flat on my face,
And yet I'm still so full of devotion,
To kicking it's *** into place.
Put yourself back in line,
You're just embarrassing yourself,
I really don't have the time,
To take your stuff from the shelf.
Biting at my ankles for attention,
Clawing at my arms for some love,
Wrapped your hands around my neck from the tension,
But I'll beat you if push comes to shove.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2013
These frightening times,
These bad thoughts of mine
I've had a few, because of you.

The late night drinking
And over active thinking,
I've had to do, because of you.

The compulsive lying,
And discreetly crying,
I feel like a fool, because of you.

I've given up eating,
And sleeping and breathing,
Because I'm cruel,

*And it was all because of you.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2013
Drag my sorrows
To the bottom of the ocean,
Tie them down and leave them there,
And let the seabed devour their souls.

A siren's call can reach you from the cracks in the ground,
Collect them all and seal them in a bottle,
Sell them to God.
Fractured rays of sunlight dance from above,
I hope to feel the breaking warmth of the surface again.

Shells and pearls and treasure chests decorate the sand,
Wealth and fame had crumbled and succumbed to despair,
*Beneath the waves
LJ Chaplin Nov 2014
Draw a breath the way you'd draw your sword,
As you exhale you feel the power that follows,
How the vapour lingers like the sun soaked blade
In the air,
Preparing to charge,
Throwing yourself through hell and back
Can you feel the battle drum
That pounds in your chest?
The fire in your belly
As you spark up a cigarette
And face your enemies
Eye to eye,
The tension in those coiled muscles of yours,
Like you are ready to pounce.
The cannon has been fired,
Go forth and savour the ultimate victory,
Wipe your sword,
Tame the bonfire in your stomach
Smile at the sky and feel the warmth
Of the sun.
You have seized another day,
Another triumph.
LJ Chaplin Aug 2013
The keyboard on my laptop has witnessed too many tear drops
Fall upon it's ebony skin as I type,
Each articulation of painful thoughts
And agonisingly catastrophic formation of words
Forcing another wave of grief to pour from these
empty blue eyes of mine.

I have tried to keep my head above the water,
To contain the wildfire in my head
That threatens to spread and burn under my veins,
Aflame in every single bone in this hollow body
But now it seems comforting to let myself slip
Beneath the surface,
To let the fire turn everything to ashes.

It feels better this way,
To be a chaotic mess.
**At least I know how beautiful I'll be when I open up my heart and mind to the possibility of destruction.
LJ Chaplin Jul 2016
Desperate times call for desperate measures,
In search of gold and buried treasures,
To cure corruption in the mind,
To pay off your demons  but still faced with a fine,
Strike it rich and drill for oil,
Suppressed in fear beneath the soil,
The heart goes bust with no chance to bail,
It's lost its worth and bound to fail,
The brain is poor, it yearns for cash,
Dollar signs crumble, all to ash,
The body waits for income to climb,
But it's stuck in debt with no hope for a
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
To those of you who read this,
Who feel like they don't belong,
Who feel that they are the jagged puzzle piece,
Let me tell you one word that describes who you are:

You stare into the cruel faces of the ones who belittle you,
Who have made you feel like you are nothing
Like you are too fat
Too thin
Too ****
A ****
A freak
A ******
A ******

You stare deep into their eyes and with all of your might you tell them,
I am braver than you
I am stronger than you.

You will NOT be defined,
You will NOT be dominated by the perfect society we apparently live in
You will NOT be contained like animals in the cages of your despair and live in the shadows.

Together, we will revolt against the ones who have pushed us into the dirt

We are soldiers. We march in unison with our heads held high and the shining sun of pride on our backs,

We are the renegades who will accomplish the mission who will wave the sweet flag of victory above us,

We are the people who are perfect.

Please remember, dear readers:

You are more than a number on the scale
You are more than a social stereotype
You are more than the blade you hold between your fingers

LJ Chaplin May 2014
The silence of the night
Encases you,
A dark, silky cocoon
That envelopes all
Feelings of ugliness
And insecurity,
You hang upside down,
Suspended in thought
As the respiration of nature
Breathes in the thick
Black air,
Then as the sun spills
Over the horizon
Like a volcano,
And the faint paint strokes
Of sunlight sets the cocoon
On fire,
All doubt melts away
And you realise
You are beautiful.
Wings spread wide,
A spectrum glimmering
Through each translucent
You take flight
And leave the remains
Of the shell you once were.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
Take me down to the river's edge,
To pray and clear the monster's from my head,
To watch the water slide against the shore,
Personifying the real world:
Disorientated reflections,
Burdens like the pebbles that drag along the riverbed,
Carried by the undulating current beneath the waves
Like a pulse beneath transparent skin,
All slowly but surely heading towards the ocean,
A wide open space

Throw me into the river,
Watch me as I drift away,
Let me reach the ocean
So I can have that freedom too.
LJ Chaplin Apr 2018
You are the first thing I need
When I wake up,

To cure the sleep that
Hangs from my eyes
And takes shelter in my bones,

To feel the warmth of your embrace
Soothe the soul,
Each sip better than the last,
Drink you in until there's nothing left.

When the cup is empty,
The insatiable urge resides,
Energy is restored
And I will face the day knowing
That you will be there again tomorrow.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
The primal instincts are not enough
To tempt me away from the thought of you,
This love of ours is dry and tough,
Discarded the bones because I know we're through,
The urge to ****,
The rush of the thrill,
Let me strike you with a poisoned dart,
Just to have another taste of your beating heart.

I'm just a lovestruck Hannibal,
I want to eat your love like a cannibal,
I'm a savage, I'm a sinner, I'm living like an animal,
But all I want to do is feed on your love like a cannibal.
LJ Chaplin Feb 2014
A thousand times I tried to say
I'm walking away from you,
Forget the clichés and the games that you play,
There's only room for one fool.
Pour gasoline,
And strike up the match,
Burn all your bridges
And breathe in the ash,
There will be no phoenix
Between you and I,
Once it's all gone
Our connections will die.
You drop the sword
And I'll hold the shield,
It's all make-believe
Prophecies unfulfilled,
Your love for me was cavalier,
Unreachable like Space,
Maturity was never your forte
And one day you'll be put into place.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2016
I watched the sky transform
As the sun set
It flourished more than ever.

I watched in awe
As it changed colour,
The clouds shed its white washed skin
And boasted an undulating opalescence
Of pink and lilac,
Soft like candyfloss,
I felt compelled to reach up
And sink my teeth into it,
Only to let the rain fall
Onto my lips and seep
Into my skin.

I traced the clouds
To the horizon,
Where fiery hues of
Orange burned bright
Like wildfire,
An irresistible iridescence
That filled my belly with
An inferno
Not even the Seven Seas
Could tame.

Before long,
The stars filtered through
The kaleidoscopic creation,
Illuminating the Universe
Like the London Skyline.

I pick one amongst the
Palette of scattered clouds
And wish that I can witness
This masterpiece
*The same time tomorrow
© L.J. Chaplin
LJ Chaplin May 2014
Time passes by,
The metallic fusion of
cogs and wheels
grinding against one another
to keep it going like a boat
Down a river,
the incessant clicking of hands
skipping over each minute,
each second,
each precious moment of life
that we take for granted
And drives us to insanity
in the dead of night.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2013
The battle is smaller than the bombs that shatter the tranquillity of the planet,
The war is more personal than guns spitting out their venomous bullets,
The fight is harder than fists colliding with skin and bones.

Inside, chaos rules

One scar for every insult  I thought
One more minute with my head down the toilet  I cried
One more twisted moment of despair  I prayed

Yet I am still here.
The only bullets I need are the words of encouragment,
The only war I will win is the war of self control,
The only time you will see me surrender,
**Is when I'm already dead.
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
I walked the hallowed halls of college today,
And something inside me felt out of place,
I didn't feel my usual sadness,
The paranoia
     The shame
            The pain

But I didn't feel happy either,
I wasn't content.
It was like a black hole was forming,
A vacuum that consumed any burning star of emotion that I had contained,

As I walked to lesson I looked at other people,
Friends crowded around the computer laughing and hitting each other,
Other students talking to teachers about their success on an assessment,
But here I am,
Wandering in a state of confusion as the world around me possessed the emotions I once held in my heart.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2013
Distorted reflections,
Unwanted connections,
Chaotic reactions,
****** attractions,

Stable mind,
Clearly blind,

     I am fine,
     I always lie,

          I look great,
          Another part to hate

               I love you
               I don't think you do

                     Are you OK?
                     You know what I'll say

                          Can I help?
                          I can do it myself

                               Don't you care?
                               I wouldn't dare

                                     Are you crying?
                                     If I said no I'd be lying

                                          I'm so sorry
                                          *Oh please, you never worry.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
Driving through life,
The steering wheel shifting so lightly
Between my fingertips,
Indicating at every junction,
Deciding which direction I'll take
To reach my final destination.
But recently I have been verging,
Down narrow lanes,
Picking up speed
As I push down on the accelerator,
Straight down the lane,
Adrenaline pulsing through me
As I keep going,
Faster I scream to myself,
Never stop.

I never saw the cliff coming
Rock bottom exists. I've been there.

The seatbelt clings to me as I go over,
The air rushing from my lungs,
The roaring of the wind scraping against metal,
The crash of the ocean waves below.
Every ***** inside me squishing against one another,
My stomach somersaulting as I continue to plunge.

Yet during the fall,
I felt weightless,
Like everything that had forced me to get into the car,
Had evaporated.

I continued to fall,
And even now I still find myself waiting
For the jagged impact of
Rock bottom.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
These city lights are too big,
For this girl's small town dreams,
Everyday she ties up her ballet shoes,
With hope woven in the seams.

Her light blonde hair tied in a bun,
She pirouettes beneath the sun,
In the hope of a hopeful stranger,
To pull her dreams away from danger,
Of breaking into two withered parts,
Before her chance in the spotlight even starts.
LJ Chaplin Mar 2018
I would throw myself from
A moving train to prove
My devotion to you,

I would bungee jump
From the highest point
Just to know your name,

I would tread on burning coals
And compare it to how your
Fingers would feel against my skin,

I would put my life on the line
To show how deep the love
Of a daredevil can go.
© L.J. Chaplin
LJ Chaplin May 2016
Keep your demons close,
Don't let them get away,
Let them take you off the path
And listen to what they say.

Prohibition is a sin,
Let go of all your fears,
Grab the wheel and speed away,
There is nothing else left here.

These demons you love
Have taken you far,
But they've taken your keys
And have stolen your car.

Keep your friends close,
Don't let them get away,
Speak about your demons
To keep them at bay.
© L.J. Chaplin
LJ Chaplin Jan 2014
Those who are held back by depression are often viewed as 'miserable' or 'negative', but people really do not understand the fragile nature that these sufferers must face. It is an unconditionally delicate misconception, one of which that encourages society to hold such a stereotypical perception it can ultimately tip the scales and cause unfaltering chaos on the body, the mind and the soul. We are left to pick up the pieces of ourselves from the stone-like words that people throw at us, the icy glances when they see that we're trying to hold back stale tears that we were unable to release the night before and instead faced a daunting and relentless course of insomnia, the cold shoulder when we are desperate to breathe and release the demons that cloud our heads and our judgements in order to feel free again. It is unnerving to think that we must wander through life as shadows whilst others dance in the carefree sunlight of their ignorance. They are blinded by the sun rays of misunderstanding or lack of interest, they are educated but do not put their knowledge and understanding to the test and instead flee when the school bell of fear and commitment resonates through the hallowed halls of our hearts, our arteries, veins, capillaries, blood cells.

It is a tragic and petrifying truth, one of which breaks me a little more inside as each day passes.
I wrote this as a means of release and venting. Things have been so shaky recently: the wrong pills, stress, fear, worry, anxiety, it has taken its toll on so many important things in my life. Things are looking up though, I am on new pills, there is counselling available for me at College and I don't know, I am just aiming for the highest possible outcome of optimism. I want to save my relationship, because he didn't deserve to go through my emotional chaos. It is unfair and I wish every single day that I could fix it. But space and thought is necessary and I know it will ease the pain for both of us. And even if things don't go the way we anticipated, I will always love him, because three years of friendship with an awesome guy means the world to me. I'm ready for the stones, the set-backs, the lengthy process of potential dosage changes and repetitive chit-chat about how I feel, but if it helps to expel all of the negativity that has haunted my life, then I am ready. I'm stronger than what I have convinced myself to believe, and now more than ever I am in tune and ready to get started.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
They say that those who have a darker and more crowded mind,
Have a better perspective of the world than those with normal minds.
It is the truth.
We see the devils behind the flesh,
The true nature of people behind the mask,
We can sense the lies and lack of faith
From a mile away.

Walking the streets while a whole network of emotions
Are pulsing through your head makes you see the world in a different light,
More enhanced senses.
We see the truth behind the smiles,
We feel the wrenching tension of the person next to us,
We hear the staccato heartbeat of someone trying to stay calm,
We can taste the fragility of words from a persons lips,
**We can smell fear.
LJ Chaplin Oct 2014
A few miles feels like we are oceans apart,
Battling against a tide of cars and trains
To reach your arms,
Even when we are beneath the same quilt,
It feels as if the rolling waves of creased bed sheets
Separates us from being connected,
I wait patiently, On the cliffs edge of a station platform,
For the sails to catch the fume stained wind of another train engine,
To be hurtled through fields that burn beneath the sun,
Past speeding cars and clouds that drift peacefully
Across the vast skies that echo adventure and longing,
Only to reach the final destination of your safety.
LJ Chaplin May 2015
Turn off the lamp,
I won't be home tonight,
Please make sure to lock the door,
And let my side of the bed get cold.
Don't think it's you,
And don't let yourself talk into despair,
I'll be back in the morning,
When the sun is barely up,
And I will climb into bed
And curl up next to you.

I need time to think,
Time to collect myself
And to stop tearing at myself
Like I am only a piece of paper.
I want to rearrange my mind,
Categorically and chronologically
So I can prioritise what truly matters.
When you wake up,
The coffee will be on the table,
Cereal in a bowl,
And someone who has cleansed himself
In the tranquil twilight sat in the armchair.
© L.J. Chaplin
LJ Chaplin Mar 2015
One shot for the sorrow,
Two to be sure,
Three for the morning
To make it a blur,
Five hours of dancing,
Six steps till I fell,
Seven minutes unconscious,
As far as I could tell,
Eight people to help,
Nine nine nine took moments to come,
Ten glasses of water,
An aspirin and then some.
LJ Chaplin Sep 2013
Let's raise a glass to friends we never made,
Serve up our trust stone cold on a silver plate,
Cut it up and we'll take it like a savage,
You have to act like one if you want to ravage.

Make a toast to the enemies we'll always see,
On the streets, in our dreams, on the TV screen,
Grow prosperous from the thought of destruction,
Use and abuse like it's the way we were meant to function.

Bow your head to another dead hope,
Hanging at the end of a piece of rope,
Watch it fade from this tragic scene,
Of the wrecked up life that was only eighteen.
LJ Chaplin Jun 2013
Who invented the complex nature of emotions?
The anger
The sadness
The sheer joy

Why are we subjected to the cruelty of being hurtled through walls of solid feelings?
Do we not suffer enough cruelty from the physical violence of society?

So many questions, so little time

I feel myself cascading down a staircase,
Each step:

  First, happy
     Second, sad
             Third, scared
It seems that as we tumble down this spiral staircase and descend into the abyss of the mind,
We lose ourselves in the mix and drown in the inevitable storm that rages,
Submerged into a conciousness that bears the forbidden fruits of emotions we do not dare explore.
LJ Chaplin Aug 2013
I don't know where to start my journey,
The start seems too obvious,
I'd rather start from the end and make my way back,
Collecting the debris of the mistakes I have made,
So when I reach the beginning I can retrace my steps
Once more and live a life without the missing pieces.
I'll be older and wiser
Stronger and braver
Have the courage to heal the scars.

I like to think that this dark patch
Is just a test,
A temporary phase that is testing my strength,
My power,
My will to live.
Although at the moment it seems like a war I will irrevocably lose,
That doesn't mean I should throw my guns into the sand
And let the white flag blow in the desert storm of my insecurities.

A little guidance goes a long way,
And soon I will have that guidance,
A hand to hold,
A shoulder to purge the rest of those unwanted tears
From my disorganised subconsciousness.

It is a frightening and truly fearful journey,
I cannot deny it,
But we all have to start somewhere
So that we can grasp onto that epiphany
That will light up the pavement to our final and hopeful destination.
A lot has been going on recently. The people I love the most have seen the darker side to me that I have tried so hard to hide from them. But now I couldn't be any more grateful. I'm getting help and I will mend in time. I have so much love for the people who have stuck by me through it all, and this poem is an ode to not only those who have supported me, but also to those who still have hope. Never give up, you're not unfixable!
LJ Chaplin Jul 2013
There comes a time in your life,
When you feel like you are being pulled in different directions,

So many choices that you have to make so quickly,
Like you have been thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim,
Like pulling into the fast lane but not knowing how to drive.
We become a part of high expectations,
Rules that we force ourselves to abide by in order to succeed,
Failure is not an option.

People tell us to wake up and smell the coffee,
But how can we if we barely have time to even wake up?
As soon as we are conscious we are expected to work hard,
No pain, no gain
If you believe, you will achieve

That's all I ever hear.
LJ Chaplin Dec 2014
It was not sadness
That caused the tears to fall,
But the transcendent fear
That belittled the crushing
Weight of the world.
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