Lonely child I was
I asked why I was not enough
to lift her sorrows
when I saw my mother linger in the dark
broken body
             body devoid of broken mind

imploring to forget
drinking herself away
yearning to feel a little less

mother who's fragile arms could never lift me
mother who in her sadness could not see past her own void
mother who fought valiantly against her own pain

has managed to forget everything
including me

how i wish i could have understood

You lay.
Hands cold,
clenched and vibrating.
Every sound you utter is a croak,
something deep in your voice feels torn.
Your skin crawls,
critters roam your body.
As phantom voice whisper in your ear,
mocking, taunting.

The anxiety builds,
as your kin spew poisoned words.
It froths,
as discomfort settles in your skin.
It spills,
when your own thoughts attack you.

Degradation could never remain an external battle

I gave you
                   everything i had to give
                                                      my money
                                                      my love
                                                      my time
I've given you
                        my health
                        my happiness
                        my peace of mind

And still i search for ways to please you
                                               to appease
                                               to ease the pain
                                                            ­           of the void
                                                i know is carved in the both of us


Even though i know it will never be enough

that single melody
carries all my sorrows
like fraught nerves
or a snapped piano wire

every misstep, mistake, fall and heartbreak
banging, crashing, reverberating
like an endless echoing thunderous bell
enclosed in my head

shame, hate, envy
twang, clank, shrill and abysmal
like an orchestral horror composition fading into discord

For the words spilt,
so sharp,
You forked your tongue

Breath heavy with liquor,
And self-inflicted misery

Tremulous limbs,
Stilted walk

Running, stumbling, falling,
Splitting skin on solid concrete
What haunted your sober thoughts?

Two wives, six children and a lifetime
And no one ever knew you
Not your siblings
Not even your mother,
who searched for you decades after being told you were dead,
who cared for you until her last conscious thought

Living without living
Contemplating the world through hazy eyes

What is there to feel, but pity?
For the man who never learned from his mistakes,
Turning to the bottle to forget his woes
To forget his loneliness
Never realizing that the bottle caused him more woes
And left him alone

To mingle and live
With love so close and just out of reach
To connect and to touch
With someones out of minds
My body so alive without me
My mind so alive without my body

The disconnect is sometimes too much to bear,
I find myself wondering if it's a change required in me or in my surroundings,
How I would love to let go,
Without ruining me or something else

Call your father,
despite his lack of awareness he is of old age and soon he will have no mind to be insensitive

Call your step-father,
though he is as utterly flawed as the first, he at least took the chance to raise you

Call your mother,
being absent in mind was not always her fault, if you don't she soon might not remember you

It's oppressive darkness, sometimes not dour enough
With silences that are never really mute
A rustle of sheets, and dead leaves crushed underfoot

It's a shiver that creeps up my spine
Like a flickering lick of flame
And the velvet embrace of absence
Or dreamless sleep

It reminds me of all the things I run from
And all the things I fear to lose

Mama's boy cries
to be lifted once again
by strong but gentle arms

And he cries again
at the certainty that no one will ever love him
the way she loves him

For all the heartbreak
that his kin
and his lovers have caused him

Only she can put him back together
to mend
and weld
and cradle the scar riddled body
only a mother could love

I like the way your body tells me little secrets

Like the small moans you exhale when I touch your thighs
And the way you shiver when I kiss the corner where your jaw meets the soft of your neck

How it speaks of the long life you've experienced in your young age
Like the shiny slits scattered across your arms
Your calloused hands and feet
Like the dipped and knotted scar on your navel
And the nick of missing hair on the side of your head

I like how your body curls around mine when sleep won't come
I like how your head drops to my chest to listen when the sadness won't let you rest
How your shoulders slump when I hold you in my arms
And your eyes flutter when I wipe your tears away

I like the way your baggy eyes crinkle when you can't help but laugh
And the way your smile crooks when you make fun of me
I like your tender touch and the way you hold me like there is nothing more important

I like the way your body tells me all the things you don't know how to say

Do you ever wonder of the love that could have been?
Of the one that makes you feel seen?
That makes you feel understood

If only your misaligned fates could be rewritten
If only words and looks could be enough
If only comfort wasn't so deceiving, like an insect trapped in the sticky sweetness of molasses  
If only you could claw them out of your conscience

Because another has arrived in their stead
Has swept you off your feet and grounded you all at once
Has shown you that you do not need to know or completely understand
To appreciate, to love, to respect

Because despite your differences they have offered you their life
They have asked for yours in return
You want to give them that and more
You want to show them how much you appreciate being taught that taking the plunge does not mean drowning
That you can find refuge in the unknown

But how do you stop longing for your soulmate when you've found the love of your life?

you were the only one who could help me find my way
you were the only one who knows the things i have done
and you accepted me as i was

i love you like blooming flowers love the sun
i love you like sun parched dirt loves the rain
i love you in ways i will love no other
i love you because you are always there

but i cannot surrender myself to you
i cannot give you all that i am
because i want to be new
i cannot give you all that i want to be
because you are too similar to me

because in you lies the old me
the corpse lily that has threaded itself into your very core
taking everything and giving nothing in return
filling your essence with the stench of rotten flesh

and whether you were tarnished when i met you or not
i know i have crippled parts of you

if you have to fake it till you make it
how long really, do you have to fake it?
I have been at this for a long time,
and it's only made me weary
I may slip here and there
but I have tried my hardest to be better
how long ?
until the weight eases off my shoulders?
until the phantom pains disappear?
until life feels worth living?

do you remember the soft haze of childhood happiness?
do you remember the charcoal darkening it's edges?
as clumsy, desperate hands took your innocence?
as graceless fervent kisses caused you thrill and revulsion
of hurting  just so they wouldn't hurt all alone?

can you remember?
the darkness behind that locked door?
do remember?
all the things you forgot on purpose?
because how can someone so dear to you hurt you so?

do you remember ?
lying to yourself until those lies became the truth?

Your love remains
In the empty space around me
Long after you are gone

I talk to the emptiness
And sometimes
You still feel as tangible as you did before
Knowing all the honeyed things you would reply
And all the tender touches you would give
If you could

So I continue my conversations with the silence
And find solace in the way you linger

I thought you were a blank piece of paper

because i never bother to look
i never bothered to understand

that i might just be a page in your story
but that is not all you are
my view of you was one dimensional

i could never fathom the width or the weight of your tome
worn by gentle hands
and tattered by those who took you for granted
like me

I will be there when your voice quivers
I will be there when your body shivers

I will be there when you learn to love
and when you learn to hate
I will be there when you contemplate
and dream of all the things you could create

I will be there when you feel weak
and meek
and the sadness makes you weep

I will be there after every fruitless endeavor
and make you think quicker
and make you feel clever
so that your light shines bright forever

I will be there every step of the way
through every night
and every blight
until your last fading light

Aches
Of the body
Of the heart
Of the soul
Brought by unwanted truth

Love is not a friend
Or a thing to keep me safe
Love is disillusion
When you realize it's all just bait

I'm made of my negatives
I am made of  my fears
and doubts
and weaknesses.
I am completed by my depression
and finally i think,
it's ok.

Because in reality we're all a little sad on the inside,
We're all a little bitter,
We're all a little broken.
and I've finally learned to live with it.

I am not me without my negatives.

i beckon you
i entice and invite

and coax the darkness out

love me
for you are a sinner
just the same as i

the wicked shall inheret the earth

i cannot repent
if sin tastes so despicably sweet

Lull back
And then forward
Throw them down
Break them apart

Life's one big game

You need to take part

You were a story
of loneliness and woe
guilting me into loving you
or something close to it

Striking me down
with your own tempestuous explosion
Bruising me black and blue
bending me at your will
Tearing me apart

You stitched me up loving and tender
and worshiped my putrid words
You carried me worn and weary
from the weight of your passion

Blinding light
that burns the flesh
warms my soul

You have become my one and only truth

may these words ignite shame in your throat
so you can feel the red hot,
of rage and disillusionment

may these words,
welt your skin,
like apathetic whipping
and bruise your pride
with uncontrollable whimpers

may these words flay and pierce your skin,
like unforgiving shrapnel,
staining your lovely supple skin,
with the most beautiful crimson dye

and feel the loss,
of faith,
of purpose,
of love

may these words set fire to your soul
and feel the agony I know so well,
because lord knows,
you never had mercy on me

You use me
Time and time again
I am a convenience
Not a person

All the words I've ever said
Are nothing
Compared to all the words I never said

This feeling of disrest
Are those jagged words teetering on the tip of my tounge

I have no semblance to an actual person.
I am a tool at your disposal.

If I were to ***** all of those consumed words,

I would cease to exist.

Do we feel with our hearts or feel with our senses?

The touch of your hands
soothes my cold and clammy skin
The soft of your back,
warms my face as we curl up on your bed

At these times you make me feel a calm
I've never known before
And when i wake up next to you

See that slim ray of soft sun filter through
and fall on your pale freckled skin

It feels like home.

Is it that the rage consumes me
So wholly when she speaks,
That I become numb?

I know the things she says
Are spat out for the sole purpose of making me feel regret.
I know that no matter how much it feels like it,
She doesn’t say just to tear me down.

But because I've done something wrong.
Even if it doesn’t feel wrong,
But,
Maybe she just doesn’t see it the way i do.

Because what she considers concern,
I think of as pestering.
Maybe that's our biggest divide,
Maybe not.

She asks me,
What will my boyfriend think,
If she told him all the horrible things I'd done before I met him.
And I laugh.

Because he told me not to tell her,
That although she has a good idea,
I'm a much more hideous person than she thinks.
That had she known,

She would understand when she first met me,
Why I was waiting for the ground to swallow me whole,
Why I was constantly looking for the worst possible thing out there.
To keep me as miserable as humanly possible,
Until the day I finally laid down to die.

So I look at her and consider telling her,
Until she gets agitated and starts yelling again.
And I wonder if I had never met him would I have already done it?

Would I have burned the image of my ruptured veins,
In her brain?

Because the thought of seeing her reaction,
Has always ignited something in me.
Of course it would be in her,
That I would find the irony of feeling alive as I die

And I thought about it,
I thought about it a lot,
Concluding that the best way to do it
Would be slashing my throat,

To let her feel the warmth of my blood,
Spurting out and soak in it.

What I would give to see her face then.

I think there is something wrong with my brain.

Sometimes it clicks,
But the majority of the time it doesn’t

Like ****** public wifi signals

And though the wanting to connect is there
The ability is not up to par

The ideas in my head disperse like blown fuses
And i quickly lose my grasp on what i want to say

On how i want to say it ...

Your love used to sway me,
Softly,
Like slow rythmic waves,
So tangible i could feel it physically.

I'm not sure when that changed.

I tread on murky waters now,
I know,
Because as time passed and you witnessed each progressively worse low,
Your anger would grow.

You can't understand,
Your mind can't fathom the everlasting raging storm in my mind,
Much like Jupiter's red spot.
Because your storm is of a completely different nature.

Lately I feel less and less of your touch,
I hear less and less of your voice,
I see no smiles, no warmth in your features.

I feel I'm grasping at straws trying to show you that I'm fighting,
I'm fighting with everything I've got, with everything I am.
But it's constantly overwhelming me, like an uphill battle.

And I wonder,
Do you still love me?

Have I suffocated you with this inner turmoil?
Have I made you bitter?
Numb?

If I could stop this torment, I would.
But I can't fix myself,
And neither can you.

Because my love for the world has never been reciprocated,
I used to feel the night creep on my skin due to fears in the light.

The darkness hasn't always been my companion, but is now an old friend.

It wrapped around me with a soft touch and a warm embrace,
Slowly suffocating me like a cocoon made of sticky spider silk.

Protecting me,
Isolating me,
Desensitizing me,

So I no longer reel from every heartfelt blow
So I no longer hurt
Or dream,
Or hope

It's now as much an old friend as the weariness in my soul.
Working in conjunction to advertise the eternal nothingness waiting for me on the other side.

The darkness wasn't always my companion,
But it's now my closest friend.

Would he look at me the same way, if he knew how desperately I've wanted rip through my veins at times ?

To claw out physically,
Forcefully,
The tendons between muscle and skin.
Cut off the joint or limb.

If only just to end the tick,

The twitch.

The lack of control.

Sever,
My connection to world.
Taste, touch, sound and sight.

I'm rotting,
From the inside out.
I'm going to collapse under my own weight.

I'm rotting,
From the inside out.

No amount of love is ever going to save me.

For years upon years
I've searched for the words to express the turmoil in my mind

For every fervently spat out, "What is wrong with you ?!"
And every horribly drawn out night spent sobbing til exhaustion.

How do you explain to the person who's believed in you more than anyone else in your life, that this sadness is never-ending.

That this deep unshakable weariness feels like lead coating every inch of my body.

That it feels like every horrible thing my tounge has ever stuttered.

Like every involuntary twitch of hand and every nervewracking lurch of nausea.

Like unsteady heartbeats and cold sweat.

It's lonliness, doubt and self-loathing.
Because no matter the love.
No matter the light.

The sadness is engraved deep in my soul.

Your words sear the flesh like hot iron.
The skin quakes and quivers at the sound of your thunderous voice.

You smother the soul with fear, just the same as you envelope it in love.
You fill me with life and with all the same reasons you make me wish i could die.

You,
the contradiction,
dictate my path.

So I carry you like an emblem burnt into my skin,
Waiting for you to strike me down, just to bring me back to life once again.

Distress mangles my body, like over-caffinated veins.
It makes me jolt and jitter.
The rush deafens my ears.

The silence fuels all my fears.

And my mind, offers no comforts.
Only thoughts of gruesome acts
Crashing, filling, overflowing, like a swelled river meeting a dam.

And I'm sinking, drowning like waterlogged clothing and lungs.
Thoughts so frantic, limbs so weary, I sometimes forget I'm not under water.

She said she needed liberation, release ...

From the weight she carried

What she did was an act of revenge.

Revenge, for all the wrong doings the world committed against her.

It was not suicide

Because suicide is such a stagnant word, half-hearted and sugar coated.

No, it was not suicide.
Not when she smiled so sincerely.

That word is not so, for the one the one who committed the act, but for who was left behind to clean up the aftermath.

Who was branded deep down in their soul, making sure to never allow them to forget.

It's for the ones who despite their love for her, hurt her unintentionally.

For the ones who wanted to help but didn't know how or were ignored.

And the ones who will continuously pick up shards of their shattered existance for the rest of their lives.

Forever wishing they could have done more.

Have you ever wanted to die?

I have
I have wanted to die for such a long time
That the wanting became a part of me
When i was young despair fell into my lungs like a liquid
And i couldn’t get rid of it
Tiny lungs filled quickly
And they couldn’t handle when my face reddened and my pulse quickened
So much so, that as i wheezed out of consciousness
I hoped and prayed to never wake up

But i always did,
And as i grew
So did my lungs

Instead of being full they were only a third of the way there
I wasn’t so suffocated but i could still feel it stir with every breath

To me the world had always been a sad place to be in
Everyone was always searching
For something bigger
Searching for something better
For more
Because having what you have was never enough
And loving what you love was never enough
Even being who you are was never enough

The sadness was engraved in me too
The sadness was a wax coating over my body
And it made it hard to move

Hard to feel
All my senses were muffled
And it left me so unsure of everything
About my feelings and how others felt about me

So that even friends were not really friends
Because relationships make people delve into each other

And how could anyone delve into me if the wax
That had once been a thin coating was now protruding limbs?

I was alone
In a planet full of people
In a life full of companions
And in a family that was kind but neglectful

One day, gruesome thoughts began
I wanted someone

Anyone

To feel the despair and the sadness
Much like i did
To make them wheeze, to make them numb

I wanted to tear them apart

Floating in in the pool that became an ocean
Of my very own psychosis
Twisted me into the very thing that was killing me
So i could prey on another
And start the cycle once again

There's a parasite in me,
That's eating away at my mind
My sanity
And my soul

I hope to end this with me before it's too late

He said
"It’s ok to be strange, but not too strange"
And over the years it has never left me

Because apparently, people can appreciate your “uniqueness”
But only in small doses
And if that is so, then why bother at all?
You can’t take a piece of someone and call it a whole

The good and the bad that resides in all of us
Is something we have to accept wholeheartedly
It's our humanity

There is a madness in all of us
A darkness
Just the same
As our will to live
As our happiness

Being loved in bits and pieces is torture
It's not just wanting to change for someone
Trying to be what they want you to be

It's hating yourself for not being right to begin with
It's feeling inadequate
It's worries and doubts pouring over you like a thick sludge

It's wishing you could hate that person discarding those unsightly pieces of you
And not being able to

Some people don't see the pain they cause
Because they've become numb to their own pain
And have gotten tired of waiting
Waiting their whole lives for someone to see them as a whole

All it takes is one step forward
Steady and sure
And one resonating acknowledgement:

"It's ok to be yourself"

So that our hearts may flourish

It’s like a lightning storm during the night
How it blinds you and makes the night seem darker

Like an abyss

And when she rumbles
You can feel the vibrations
Before she deafens you

It’s such a destructive force
That when she finally hits
She tears everything apart

Whether she means to or not

And when she hits you
She burns you deep into your core
Rooting its way into everything

Everything you are
Everything you’re not
Everything you wish you could be

Temptation to end the ringing in my ears
To ease the shaking in my hands
To slow the chaos in my mind
To **** the shiver in my spine

Am i getting heavier?
Or is the air around me pushing me down?

But it’s only me

Nothing touches me in this abyss
Because it’s a prison for me alone
Made by my own crippling self-doubt

By my ever-deteriorating mind, crazed and distraught
Is it that i still loathe myself so much, that i can’t stop struggling ?

If in the past
I only stayed alive to keep suffering
Why is it that after finding someone special,
And after finding tremendous love

I still feel like i'm suffocating?
Being slowly smothered out of air

What is it now that is holding me down?
Is it still only me?
Did i never free myself from my cage?

How can i stop my hesitations?
Whether it’s foot or tongue
If everything that comes out of me is processed various times before it’s even uttered
Why do i still stutter?
If every change in direction is fully thought through
Why do i still misstep and stumble?

What is wrong with me?

Although i don’t think of killing myself as cruelly as i did before, I still do think about it

I think about it every time my body seizes
From suppressed adrenaline
I think about it every time my throat swells
From the burn of suppressed anger
I think about it every time my voice wavers
From suppressed shame
And i think about it every time my eyes water
From lack of any hope.

When i think about it now

I hope to die alone

I hope to feel the surge of a few second drop
I hope to feel when i’m splattered on the ground
And take in the immense pain before i die

I no longer wish
To show you what the inside of my veins look like
I no longer wish
To tear myself apart in front of you
And pour my anguish out to you

"This is what you did to me"

No
Not anymore
Because the one to blame is me

"This is what i did to me"

This is what i did to me
Because i never figured out what it was i was supposed to do

And i couldn’t stop repeating the same mistakes

I can’t stop repeating the same mistakes

I keep repeating the same mistakes
I keep repeating the same mistakes
I keep repeating the same mistakes

Why do i keep repeating the same mistakes ?

If my skin is meant to encase all my insides
Why does it always feel like they are ready to burst out?
And in contrast why does it feel like my bones will suddenly melt out of their rigidness?

That my ears hear, but only in echoes, like someone yelling from far above a well
That my eyes cast shadows when nothing is there
And my hands tremble even past the mistakes

I’m not sure there will ever be a time, that i will feel ok
In retrospect i don’t think there ever was a time when i felt ok
And because of it i will always be attracted to the nothingness of death

Knowing that one day i will succumb to the darkness