Why am I crying

I hear her new hit and my past hits me like a mack truck.
I'm always falling into these ruts,
looking, searching, almost begging for reasons
Universe? Soul? God? Trauma?
Who made me like this?
I'm sick of this problem
Remembrance, rain dance, tears, karma
You're so embarrassing
"Go cry where no one's watching"
He said that to me and I stayed around him-
*****.
I isolated so hard, I tried to be forgotten
but deep down I just want to feel understood
like any other person
I want love and care,
Hurt me, choke me, leave marks where no one sees but me.
Just say you love me after;
I won't care if it aches.
I've already been in pain, irritated or feeling worthless
I haven't cared while caring so much
I'm sick of this problem
I want to blossom but it seems I'm a bud

The girl clinged to the trees
As she ran through the woods
There was a passing breeze
She got chills but still ran,
She had to get away
From that dreadful land
and go back to the one she loves.
She got lost a time or two
But always kept pushing through
and soon she will be where he is.

Spider
Screams
Desperate
Dreams
Dead
Spider
Sad
Girl
Typing legs
Crawling words
Laying
Fan; starring
Irritated
Life's complicated
Music
No
Carpet; stains
Goodbye

I know if I don't sleep soon
I won't wake up until late in the afternoon
but I can't stop thinking about you
and how you smiled at me
as the distance between us disappeared.
I know it won't be much longer,
but I miss you.
I miss watching you sing
and hugging you until a song was over.
I remember your heartbeat
and feeling nervous as you found mine.
I want to be close to you again.

My heart hurts when I remember.

The number grows but
I still can't tell if I am whole.
Every day is nearly the same
until it's simply not.

Even family changes or moves on.
No one is safe in the long run,
Not the encountered stranger,
the acquaintance or friends...

Nobody knows when they'll meet their end,
and it scares me.
I don't like the YOLO philosophy,
but here I am again, pondering.

I'm trying to make sense of everything
I'm wondering what exactly I need...
What can help me be happy?
I wouldn't say I'm ashamed but my past is embarrassing?

I guess I'll continue and just keep going
I'll keep trying my best,
For as long as I can,
I'll try to get through this

10% and I feel tired and somewhat sad.
8% and things are stirring in my head,
I might take a nap.
5% and I plug my charger into the wall.
I'm not sure what just washed over me,
But I'm ready for the fall.

And now I'm laying in the dark crying,
Wishing for some form of comfort.
But I don't need this right now.
I need to embrace my frown.
Don't give in to the tightening of your heart.
It's not a permanent occurrence.
That is what I'm afraid of.
I won't give into this feeling.
Because I'm afraid it will fade.
He does not deserve that loss.
So I will continue to be lost.
All by myself.
This is my fate.

Are you happy now?
Don't pretend you're okay.
Don't say it's just another day,
Because I know the truth.
I can see it in your face.
Those puffy eyes..
I remember them.
On mine.

It happened again
I let someone in
I felt like we were close
but we floated apart

I'll try to distract myself with art,
I feel so alone,
but can't tell anyone
is this how it starts?

My montage?

I see it in TV shows,
movies and music videos
People evolve and change
but I seem to stay the same

But I'll wait for my beginning
The part where I press play
and see myself at the end
I wonder, will I be grinning?

I feel full of regret,
but I cannot reach out again
to these people I copied
whether it was a mistake or not

I have realized I don't have identity.
This is why I'm lonely.
I don't know who I am
I know who I like but drive them away

I'm a mirror for others to use as display.

I'm not so tired,
I feel kind of strange.
I wish you were here with me,
But I'll be okay...

Chores at 3:00 AM,
Thoughts breaking through my skin.
Don't do that **** to him.
He wouldn't embrace this either way.
So keep moving along, don't stay in place.
You know it'd happen anyways.
You're incapable of such things.
So, go back to cleaning.
Bubbly water splashes.
Plates break,
You cry as you take in your fate.
Emotions are ****** up.
Which is why you were meant to stay alone.

I'll never stop waiting for you.

You used to always be there with your wards, but now you don't support me anymore.

I turn the lights off
I don't want to sleep
but I guess I should.

An apology isn't an explanation
It took me until now to get it.
It's upsetting how blind I am
to my own hypocrisy.

I've always wanted acceptance
and felt it was an essential need,
I'd break down each time
My parents couldn't apologize

They'd bring up excuse after excuse,
"It's my belief," "I'm not wrong," "this is my side..."
I hated them for this
But had my own way of doing the same thing.

Does this mean I'm the narcissist?
I'm the selfish, arrogant. awful person
I saw reflecting back at me
Through my family?

These thoughts creep up on me again and again,
They make me want to crawl under a rock,
Become dust and eventually drift away
at least in the wind I could change.

tired;
I want you here.
I want to lay with you
and not be scared.

I know
it's not much longer, right?

You light up my world
and scare away the thunder.

I keep rolling over
expecting to see you there...
but the screen stays black
and you're back in your own chair.

All these words smothered on my face,
I smile anyways.

The distance may be far right now,
but the marks on her heart remain
and she longs for the day
they will be together again.

I'm starting therapy again today,
I'm nervous and excited
but wondering what to say,
I don't want another misdiagnosis

Why do I feel so sad?
Each time I turn over
I physically, feel more bad.
Once I get over it
and think I'm alright...
the next day comes.
Then I'm up all night.

About to sleep again...
Stress has gone to my head,
I'm tired and miss my friend.

I lay here silently listening in the light for her to scream or possibly cry, during this time alone I realize how I may have sounded. Now I'm less frustrated, more sad. I didn't mean for what I said to sound bad. Today turned around quicker than I had expected. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I'm sorry.

It's always been hard for me to switch,
To stop what I'm doing and move on to the next thing
That I'm told to do, whether it's at home, work or even going to the grocery store.

Sometimes I sit for 20 minutes before going in somewhere.
Punctuality has been a staple for me
Even if it means sitting in my car for an hour,
I will be there on time.

I like having time in between these things to prepare
It's like I need to switch mindsets before I begin,
Sometimes 8 hours felt like a punishment.
Other times it can fly by thanks to dissociation.

I have so many dreams
of you and I together
waking in each others arms
smiling at one another
and I want nothing more
than to make them happen.

I hate the feeling
of my heart beating
I wish it would go away
It makes me anxious
maybe I'm going insane...
I never used to notice it,
so why do I now?

It's so hot in here,
*is it because of you?

When I can't sleep,
during nights like these..
I sometimes cry for hours.
We're all dying flowers.

running myself ragged
i won't stop until i grasp it
pondering won't solve anything
pigeoning at least brings me peace
even when i'm tired i'll keep going
don't worry anymore, jellyfish

Tonight I turned into one of those couples that I would stare at when my family would take long road trips. Tonight, a dream of mine came true. Tonight I really loved, singing together in the car with you.

Do you ever wish you could turn it off?
Your mind, your heart, your saddest song?
The part of you that lays awake
until the crack of dawn in tears and shaking.
The part that wants to hide away
the one inside who stays
only to make your day horrible before it's even begun.
Don't you wish you could turn it off?

My fan won't stop creaking
and I cannot stop thinking.
My eyes are willfully burning
but when I close them it doesn't stop the hurting.

I tear up as I recall you and I standing so closely, with this song playing.

I'm a horrible person

I love being beside you
and seeing behind the screen.
Did you know, you make me
want to be the best person I can be?
I think that's really something.
How happy you make me.

Heavy heart.
Tightening lungs.
Confused thoughts.

It's as if you've released a chemical inside of me, and because of that chemical I'm happy.

I feel your hands
all over my thighs,
as you rub and caress me
I feel my heart rate rise.
I try to think about something else
but I simply can't be bothered right now...
You're all I'm wanting right now.

I'm sorry for the pain that you're feeling right now.
Just know that things will get better, But for now,
You should just embrace your frown.
It's okay to be sad for a while.
But please know this won't last forever.
Eventually, you'll feel better.
And when you do, believe it or not.
You will more than likely find new love.