I'd like to say that I never loved you, but the truth is, I didn't know what love was.
We create our own concept of love
based on our thoughts of what it is and what it should be.
We learn from our parents, from the books we read, from the movies we watch, and decide for ourselves what we want to receive.
I thought that to keep you happy I had to endure the emotional and physical pain you caused me. And in return you would buy me flowers, teddy bears, chocolates.
That was love.

But that's not what it is anymore.

Sparks of joy fill my eyes when I see you, and I get a sudden urge,
a want,
a need,
to pull you into my arms and never let you go.
To kiss you endlessly, to hold onto your body, to feel your warmth, to smell your perfume, to caress your skin, to play with your hair...
Oh, what I'd give to be with you...

I don't want to be tied to you by this invisible rope,
existence of which you are unaware of. This
embarrassment is too much for me to handle. I don't
want to think of you the way one thinks of a lover. For there
is no love.

There never was.

I need you to save me
From the self induced harm
That I can no longer control


I know this isn't fair
But I beg you,
Please stay.


-FreeMind

Tell me the lie Im dying to hear.
Tell me you love me.


-FreeMind

"You must purify yourself"
He hands me the blade and slowly steps away.
Waiting for the wave of sins to flood the unholy ground.
Counting seconds, he keeps his gaze on me,
Lost in the cruelty of this world that destroyed his love.
He blames me.
For all the wrong doing. For the misery he suffered.
And not for a moment does he realize his faults.
Denying the truth, he is convinced of my crime.
Lacking patience he takes the blade back and does destiny's work.

Cover in a pool of my own blood, he uses his hands to cary me out.
For a moment, I am filled with hope that he will save me, find help.
So naive.
With slow steps he reaches the cliff, and without a word, tosses me Away into the open ocean, where I find myself grasping for air.

My lungs refuse to operate,
I am disappearing into the darkness with the blood red ocean ahead,
But greet the ocean floor kindly, as it takes me in with pride.
At last, I allow my eyelids to drop shut, finally feeling free.


-FreeMind

And all of a sudden I felt it spark inside of me.
The struck of the lightning bolt had diminished the emptiness within my fallen Soul,
I was finally able to feel.

Feel the warmth of the sun on my pale skin, politeness of lonely strangers,
The energy, the excitement, the friendliness, Happiness.
All these emotions came rushing back!

I was alone. Hardly anything changed. And yet it all felt different.
Step by step, day by day, Life became better.
I stopped getting the daily visits from Death.
It left me without a "Goodbye", and I was glad.
Glad that Life became my new friend.

But most importantly, I am glad that I can finally enjoy the small joys,
The small acts of kindness that Life brings to me.

I feel everything but emptiness.
At last I am full.
And all because I am finally free -
From You.



-FreeMind

Free your soul
Empty your mind
Dance in the rain
It is you they desire

Free your soul
Dismiss the past
The future is beaming
Help them enter at last

Free your soul
They will come and go
Don't let them stop you
It is your time to grow

Free your soul
Surrender to that sound
Let the music surround you
It will help you be found

Free your soul
It is your time to choose
No time to waste
This isn't a battle you lose

Free your soul
Let go of the pain
Your heart will thank you
Don't let is stay strained


Free your soul
You know how


-FreeMind

'Forget him!'
These words are ringing in my mind
My skin still burns from the places where his hands were
The blue, the purple, and the red
A rainbow painted on my body

'Forget him!'
Oh! I could not agree more!
And yet I long his presence, desire his acceptance
I pray to God for his return
My savior, my angel

'Forget him!'
I am drowning, suffocating, and yet I need more rain
Because the freezing drops are soft kisses against my cheek
The kisses that you promised me
The kisses that were stolen by Time

'Forget him!'
I am on my knees. Crawling,
Through the garden of roses you named after me
My thighs are bleeding and yet the thorns feel pleasant,
They feel like home
They feel like you

'Forget him!'
But I cannot...
Because the cuts and tears and broken bones
Will not stop the warmth of sunshine that I feel
When I am wrapped in his Loving arms


By : FreeMind

The Ghosts of fallen Lovers,
Wandering the World.
Aimlessly waiting for a Spark,
And a little bit of Hope.
Sadness overgrown them,
Spreading like a wildfire.
Now became contagious.
A disease.

The Ghosts of fallen Lovers,
Broken by the Truth.
Questioning reality,
Slowly losing their morality.
Desperate for belonging, but -
Desired by none.
The World now dark,
No light, no brightness.

The Ghosts of fallen Lovers,
They got what they deserved.
But now revenge is coming,
Prepare for what is worse.


-FreeMind

Afraid and broken-down
I finally gain the courage to look up at them.
A wide grin plastered on their faces,
They know it worked.

And here I am. Waiting, crying.
Because that is the Only thing I can do.
I stand still and hope they will release me.
But with my mouth sealed shut, I am unable to plead.

They look down at me and laugh.
This rotten crowd destroyed me with their words.
And I am too weak to fight back.
I must give in.

All Hope is lost.


-FreeMind

Your soothing voice has lulled me to sleep
But I'm waking up alone


-FreeMind

Scrolling through your feed
over and over
again. Until my eyes are too
tired to focus on your face. Until my
mind starts imagining you by my side. Until my
skin feels your lips on me. Again.

He tortured me,
He lulled me in,
He took me in his arms again.
I felt his presence all at once,
As he pushed me through the dark again.
It was too much for me to take,
My head was spinning, I lay awake.
He pushed me out the open door and watched me fall until I tore.
I screamed allowed!
I begged for help!
But no one thought to take me in.
They watched me burn in flames again,
Until there was nothing left but pain.

Until the blood was flowing in my eyes and blinding me from the skies...


-FreeMind

He was my forever rose.
The beauty that he possessed was irresistible,
To the point where the pain of his thorns began to feel pleasant.
Joy.

He was my elixir.
Designed to blind me from everything but love for him.
And so I left my life to join his, in hopes of living in this eternal lie.
Obsession.

He was Hercules.
The hero of my imagination. A hero of my own making.
Designed to have pride, power, loyalty, trust... All you could wish for.
Naivety.

He was my work of art.
A collage of his best traits, that I put together myself.
Only to have each piece go through self-destruction. It wouldn't last.
Disappointment.

He was the abuser.
Using my weaknesses against me.
Through words and actions, he tore through the petals of the Lotus.
The End.

You proved to be manipulative.
I proved to be a fool.


-FreeMind

My vision is being altered by an invisible being.
My body is changing drastically, no seconds to spare.
I can no longer tell if the mirror is lying to me,
If it is my eyes that are distorting my self image,
Or if I have gone completely insane.

It stares at me.
"Eat me."
It pleads. Begs for me to take a bite.
But I know better.
I won't ruin the progress. I've been working so hard.
I'll be that pretty skinny girl, I was almost meant to be.
But at 4am, it will beg me once more.
And I'll feel sorry. And I'll feel sorry.
So I will devour 2000 calories in 2 minutes, after my 42 hour fast.

Time to welcome my old friend, Regret.
Ah, I knew he would stop by. And right on time!
With the Scale and Mirror right by his side,
They will lay me down, and all watch me cry.

Where did the Scissors go?
Oh...
The ****** took those when he pretended to love me whole.
Not to worry, I'm strong.
I can take a few punches, to bruise up my soul.
Colors! Colors! Look at them go!
Representing that rainbow that makes me feel whole!

Shh!
Not too loud!
Don't let them hear!
They don't know how I feel about that girl across the street.
I should tell them. Come clean.
But won't that just cause a scene?

Stop.
No drama.
Just focus on work.
The classes you've been failing will soon **** your Hope.

HAH! What a life!
How can I complain?
All the choices were mine!
And now I'm INSANE!


-FreeMind

She said she saw you in that hotel
and now I quietly beg her to take me there
never wanting to miss the opportunity of accidentally seeing you myself.
we drive by the hotel often and I can see you with my eyes closed, sitting inside the lobby I have never been in,
imagining you eating in a restaurant that only exists in my mind.
perhaps,
thats it,
you are just in my mind

Did you know that in less than a year
I would be waking up at 3am
From the nightmares you gave me?

Did you know that in less than a year
I would go back to the cutting and weight loss
Because I hate myself after what you did to me?

Did you know that in less than a year
I would be crying before going to bed
While thinking about everything you put me through?

Did you know that in less than a year
I would only find pleasure from the thoughts
Of leaving all of this behind?


Did you know that when you locked me in the dark
And took away something that was not yours
Without my consent,
You took away
My soul?
My will to live?
You took away everything I had
And everything I have ever hoped to have.


Did you know
That you destroyed me?


Did you know
That you have killed me?


-FreeMind

You told me I would never change
but I learned to put myself before You,
to love and protect myself from You.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you"
I repeat this mantra days on end to remind myself of the pain you caused, when I was young and lost and confused and naive.
Naive.
A silly girl in "love". Believing in the impossible, hoping for it to last forever.
Eternity is all we have but nothing in this world is eternal. So when I am lost, I turn to the illusion of freedom that I might one day achieve.

I would like to let you go, but my mind is filled with thoughts of you. If I go a day without thinking of you, you appear in my dreams.

There is simply no escaping you.

You have full control over my life, and I proceed to live with you in
my memories, my hopes, my dreams.
Or perhaps they are nightmares? For I don't truly want to see you.

And so I ask, I beg, I pray
that You let me go instead.

Your cursed this day

Standing in the shower, I try to scrub the sense of you away.
I try so hard, with such force and effort, that my skin starts to peel off.
It's turning red...

And yet you are still here.
Your lips pressed against mine, your skin burning into me.
And I'm taken back, to those awful days,
When I said no, and you pretended not to hear.


-FreeMind

My Mama always told me, that I should never, ever, cry.
That I could only shed a tear, when someone very special died.

I kept that promise, Mama, for many, many, years.
But tonight, I'm filled with sorrow.
A river path has already been created from my eyes to my cheeks.
My body is shaking, My eyes are swollen, My jaw is clenched tight.
For I have lost someone very, very special to me.
Maybe no one can see, and maybe no one can tell, but, Mama,
I lost a little girl.

She ran from me far, far away.
Into the dark, deep, scary woods, where there was no way out.
I tried to help her, I tried to call out her name.
But she thought she could get out herself. And told me not to help.
Oh Mama! You wouldn't believe what happened next!
He came behind her and slaughtered the little girl.
Mutilated her.
Until there was nothing left but blood and bones.

Oh Mama! I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry I could not get her out!
I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to help her escape!
Oh Mama! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

The little, happy girl is gone.
But her killer is still on the loose.
He is swimming in glory and victory.
Showing off her stolen innocence as his award.

Oh Mama,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that she is gone.

-FreeMind

Wave after Wave.

The visits can't help coming by.
Smiles and laughter fills the night sky,
Exchanged looks of strangers,
Games played near by.

Lonely teens and broken lovers,
Gazing up the dreamy sky.
Hand in hand the married couple,
Walking by, can't say goodbye.

All alone the misplaced doll,
Waits for time to burn.
Shattered, beaten, and misused,
Left alone completely bruised.

Let me help,
Let me take the pain away.
Let your breath escape from you,
And lose yourself in me today.

Taking her away,
I save her from her self,
Time does not heal,
But waves will help your soul stay sane.

Wave after Wave.


-FreeMind

My mind is intoxicated with your lies.
I need you to save me, make me feel alive...


-FreeMind

Why do we struggle to accept our beauty?
Why is it so much easier to notice our own flaws?

How long until I stop writing about you? Seeing you in my dreams?
Another year? Another month? Another day?
Or perhaps this is the last time...
That's a lie.
Even in death, you would be on my mind,
Lurking.
My biggest regret, and my biggest achievement.



-FreeMind

Is that all there is to life?

She dreads going to sleep,
for she knows, she will wake
up to see tomorrow.
She fills her stomach up with
Red Bull and Modanfinil,
praying that one of them
will keep her eyes from
closing shut. But she knows.
She knows that no matter
how much she tries to
stretch out this wretched day,
tomorrow will come.
And she will live on.
Because she was too afraid to make it stop.

Is that all there is to life?

Kiss me,
Kiss me,
And kiss me once more...

Shut the blinds, Close the door.
Touch my heart
And whisper my name
Can you tell that you are driving me insane?


-FreeMind

Heat infused the atmosphere with the rapid movement of our bodies.
Kinetic energy that we created melted glaciers and moved mountains.
Inextricable even by saw, Our lips were constantly interlocked tightly,
Breathing each other in, because air became entirely negligible to us.



-FreeMind

Joy, my desirable necessity,
Is extracted from my soul effortlessly,
Replaced by a deserted feeling.
Pleading me to embrace this emptiness.

Overtaken by darkness,
“JOY! JOY!”
I’m yelling now, Screaming, Losing my mind.
Where did the heart shaped boxes go?!

Falling back upon my knees,
With a thousand empty,
pleas
Piercing the night, with far from melodious moans.

Oh thief where have you done with my
Joy?
For, she is mine and mine alone.
The lid was not yours to remove!

My lips feeling lonely,
Missing you and you only.
My heart beating slowly,
There's nothing left in this world that is holy.

You were divine,
No ones but mine.
And now that you are gone,
I can't bear to be alone

Lonliness shrouding the day with fright.
Scattering mindless thoughts in night,
Reminding me that is she is not mine.
Upon those sweet lips I wish to dine.

Now that my joy is gone
Another, must my love, live upon.
She can never take the place of my joy
Loneliness will be nothing but a toy


BY: Marty & FreeMind

I bade farewell to the memories,
the joy, the laughter, the tears, the fears,
the forever-lasting-friendships
Without whom this journey would be dreadful

I bade farewell to all these years
of restless work, of struggles, of accomplishments,
of day-and-night stress
That never seemed to end, but did.

I bade farewell to the innocent girl I used to be
In the hopes of finding my new self amid the infinite possibilities
That are waiting to be explored
By Me

I bade farewell
As I step into the warm embrace of June


-FreeMind

The hour hand, the minute hand, the second hand
All move in unison
Forming the ultimate
18:00
It is time
I whisper "Happy Birthday" to myself
18
After all these years
I have finally gained enough courage
To cut my arm with the blade
Vertically
Leaving no words
no memories
no stories
Behind
Just warm blood, yet to turn cold
With my corpse
Already dressed black
For the funeral


-FreeMind

The smell of your cologne lingers by as you walk past my desk.
I can’t help but think of your touch.
How would you taste like on my lips?
Two can play this game.
But I can’t go for you.
Not really.

I allow the darkness to fill my heart
Finally suffused with mystical energy.

I beam with joy,
As a wide smile spreads across my pale face.

I am charged with warmth,
Reflecting the sweet moonlight on my skin.


-FreeMind

​They were both 32
But at 21, I felt in control
Just a kiss
But was I really in control?
It was my choice
I would do it again
Or is that what I tell myself to think
To justify my actions

sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were to see you again
would I run the opposite direction, or right into your arms?

Where is the line between life and death? And why can't we just cross it whenever we want?
Can a person be on the line? Both dead and alive? Or neither dead nor alive?
Why are we threatened with hell when we simply want the pain to end?

Here I am, once again,
trying to wash away my sins,
unable to get rid of the imprint on my soul

You expect me to tell you that I love you back but I'm tired of lying

Running thoughts,
Embraced warmly in my arms.
I am flying high above the ground,
Out of their arms reach, they won't ever pull me down.
Visible, and yet I will never be found.

Letting go might seem hard,
But I must move on, can't give up now.
The destination is far ahead,
But I am a martlet now,
Sailing the self-built ship called Life.


-FreeMind