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Oct 2018 · 267
passive depression
Day Oct 2018
You can change
the world,
but never fix
humanity.
Oct 2018 · 191
haunted home
Day Oct 2018
In your arms,
this ghostly heart
wants to live.
happy halloweekend
Day Oct 2018
-
How fragile my heart must be,
to shatter from one minor atrocity.

-
Oct 2018 · 142
(Update- Here I am again :)
Day Oct 2018
Sweet sadness engulfs me as I walk into my favorite place,
the library; its been over a year.
Somehow I always find myself back here and it
seems to always be an important moment in my life.
When did this site become my personal blog?
Posting gentle reminders to
never lose myself.
Oct 16, 2018.
      I am constantly reminding myself that I am not alone. 19-going on 20 year old me finds herself in panic mode almost every day and can't seem to figure out why.
     I ask myself the question "What am I doing with my miserable life?" every morning and I keep expecting an answer to suddenly appear.
      It's been harder to write anything with structure lately, but I have started experimenting with a more free-style( even though my work has always been pretty loose).
     Today I feel like I am always struggling with a feeling of "passive suicidal" but it never gets so bad as to really affect my day to day living. My thoughts have been pretty dark though and I'm trying to work on it.
      Started a new relationship not too long ago and am attempting to not be consumed by it (HA). It does make me very happy though. He seems to really care and I hope our relationship makes both of us happier and mentally healthier.
Oct 2018 · 623
brutal lie
Day Oct 2018
inhale
i am NOT nervous for the day
you see me the way
i see me

exhale
i wanna love myself the way you tell me i should
Oct 2018 · 139
the language of my anxiety
Day Oct 2018
i'm afraid
to speak anything
suddenly my tongue is sharp
and my thoughts are deadly
quiet washes over me
and i am paralyzed
"what's wrong"
makes no sense to me
and i still can't find the words to say
hoping people might stop
thinking i'm crazy
Oct 2018 · 1.7k
i'm not disappointed
Day Oct 2018
he came like my
s e a s o n a l - d e p r e s s i o n

way too early

left hurricanes in my path
and
floods at my feet

****
let's do it again
where has all my motivation gone **** it
Day Oct 2018
sunshine blinded me

and my words
v a n i s h e d
like that august air
Oct 2018 · 661
who's the pyro here?
Day Oct 2018
my lover
did not
hurt me

he
made me
oh, so wet

doused me
d r e n c h e d me
in kerosene

eyes flickered
as he
lit the match

quivered
in my
quirky way

and
found myself
A L I V E

my lover
did not
hurt me

when
he set me
on fire

i cry not
for
this beginning

but
this heart
is scared

s̶h̶e̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶s̶

flames
i n e v i t a b l y
burn out
Oct 2018 · 1.2k
autumns diary 10/11
Day Oct 2018
Daft punk and ***** converse
you make me feel like dancin'.
-
Cinnamon apple tea
and good ol' THC,
surely this is all I need.
-
Grey sweater meets morning fog and,
seven AM sunrise
has never felt so sweet.
Oct 2018 · 852
Ms.Martini
Day Oct 2018

                           /
                       /
Oh, Mr. Cocktail, fill me up! but
darling, p l e a s e  don't
bother me until
every last
d
r
o
p
is poured.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oct 2018 · 327
perception
Day Oct 2018
it does not matter
how much
a shadow
w
a
n
t
s
to be in the l i g h t

she cannot change
the way they see
Oct 2018 · 221
worth
Day Oct 2018
always counting
the ways i could be better
(-1) lesser voice, (-1) smarter things to say
constant reassurance
of why i am enough
(+1) seems stable, (+1) showers almost every day
daily working
to prove myself right
(+1) constant patience, (+1) being productive
breaking a cycle
of crying at night
(-1) hating myself, (-1) not wanting to live
odd how,
wanting so desperately to be someone
i've forgotten
what it means
to be myself
will it stop?
Day Oct 2018
i found you
chasing youth
and offered myself.

like candy
another piece
of this broken body,

f e a r
is nowhere to be found.

you've convinced me
sacrifice always smells
best over brunch.
Oct 2018 · 200
cosmic s'mores
Day Oct 2018
life is a *****;
been lighting my fires
since 1999

luckily

i bought marshmallows
and ****
karma tastes sweet
Sep 2018 · 251
my heart
Day Sep 2018
she speaks
no
- s h e  s c r e a m s-
i cannot understand.

hush
i can feel you

she beats on me
c r y i n g
i cannot understand

somehow
i have never
learned your language

still
-
after all this time
you lie on my chest

hush
i can feel you

i cannot understand
i am trying
Sep 2018 · 581
typing
Day Sep 2018
keys, play me a sound
something sweet to hear
fingers, write me a song
needs to fit the ear

words and words and words

which will say just right
exactly what i feel ?

is it possible
to learn it so well
i can close my eyes
and emotions will swell

can it come so easily?
as to not even try
can i learn to write
w/out having to cry
help me jane
Sep 2018 · 115
what is it to be alive?
Day Sep 2018
funny how

to have an answer

you have to stop

asking the question
get it?
Sep 2018 · 1.8k
nineteen years
Day Sep 2018
& two thousand tears, it took me
to figure out
i don't hate life
/
i hate myself.
will i ever fully recover?
Sep 2018 · 271
food and prayer
Day Sep 2018
Am I now become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?
Aug 2018 · 446
speedbump
Day Aug 2018
I slowed down
to run you over,
so I wouldn't hurt myself.
Jul 2018 · 152
Motivation
Day Jul 2018
god of words please breathe life into me
give me something to say
face down on my bed
looking for any reason to roll over
i gotta stop smoking
Jun 2018 · 3.8k
cancer season
Day Jun 2018
Good morning sky!
It's my birthday.
Bought blue hair dye
to stop feeling grey.
happy 19 angst
Jun 2018 · 141
its breakdown season
Day Jun 2018
hey friend, i see you quit your job
ironically i want to do the same
they tell me its not worth it
is the pleasure worth the pain?
but i ask myself...
whats the point of the fear
we all quit our jobs
lived in our cars for a year
it was because of the xanax
that my best friend crashed her car
but now its much better managed
we smoke **** and say its not a problem
Day Jun 2018
tomorrow i have something to do
seems to be a feeling i have alot
but tomorrow always comes
and there is always something to do
my mom asked me to go to church
but i really cant see a point
she really did tell me life was hard
but its so easy to think you know
when you dont know
i wonder "well what do i know?'
well ****
heres another existential crisis
19 is too young for this
but ****, so is 24
or too old? maybe?
****.
keep wearing the grunge
and visiting the nightclubs
cafes and theaters
forgetting about how
*******
tiring this is
thanks mom
im glad you tried to warn me
i gotta make it now
Jun 2018 · 112
Nineteen
Day Jun 2018
One more year and i think i know it all
suddenly everything seems pointless
we keep going and going and going
and truthfully, we all know its a joke
life is ****
and ***** not fair
but we live in selfish minds
so sure
itll pay off one day
which day?
friday maybe?
who knows.
the movies really teach me alot lately
slow down
it really never changes
Jun 2018 · 396
another day stuck in repeat
Day Jun 2018
Today I walked to the city,
because the cat ****** on my bed.
I think my punk phase looks pretty,
and it helps to clear my head.
My work thinks I've gone insane;
I can't help but to agree.
Oh, but they don't know the pain
that's overwhelming me.
My lover packed up and went home,
leaving me here alone to mend.
Using my time to think and roam,
the solitude has become my friend.
Smile and nod at those who pass,
I wonder who I am.
Life seems to **** me in the ***,
but,hey,
peace comes at $10 a gram ;)
Jun 2018 · 172
the way that I live
Day Jun 2018
They tell me not to go
force me to comply
but I'm already gone
still living a white lie
and every now and then
reality slips through
but by the time they see
there's nothing they can do
Jun 2018 · 169
You left for the ocean
Day Jun 2018
and suddenly im questioning everything
left with a space in my chest
aching \ wondering
where have you taken my heart?
but the people tell me to stay
and do the adult things i'm supposed to
but how can my body be here
my hands still working and my feet still going
while my mind wanders to you
and my thoughts overwhelm me
so different then the reality i see
each day my patience wanes
and every moment i hope to escape
Jun 2018 · 247
do you give a damn?
Day Jun 2018
today I feel like finding a bridge
and ending it all
blaring angry lyrics
scream "*******" as I fall

but in the silence
I find peace
and in the distance
we've felt release
Jun 2018 · 154
here we are
Day Jun 2018
hidden ponds in busy towns
playing hard, wearing crowns
lost in all the light we see
a 2012 reality
Feb 2018 · 199
School
Day Feb 2018
Here I am still growing,
learning all that I can,
and look I'm still going.
I stopped worrying bout a plan,
because in the end
I have learned;
it will all work out .
Feb 2018 · 190
it's not you
Day Feb 2018
*******. why.
am I such a *******
?
this poem is not a poem
it's just me,
-
hating myself.
Nov 2017 · 384
paper identity
Day Nov 2017
im tired of writing the me
that you want to see
i want to be writing the me
that *I want to be
Nov 2017 · 914
Untitled
Day Nov 2017
my darling left for battle
he kissed me on the cheek
i wished him all my love
not knowing what to speak*
te amo, mi amor
Nov 2017 · 2.1k
late
Day Nov 2017
give me more. baby
oh, i need your touch
fall in love, maybe
i've given you so much

say you'll never leave
stay right by my side
don't make me say please
begging just ain't right

you know what i'll do
to attain your eyes
want every part of you
between my thighs

so gentle and soft
you bring me alive
i'll pay any cost
so you won't deprive

baby, will you just
give me what I want
Oct 2017 · 175
searching
Day Oct 2017
i stopped looking for comfort
in the arms of another

and instead found peace
in the air brushing my face

solace in the sweet familiar scent
of leaves hitting the ground

traded waiting around
for someone who disappoints

into the beauty abound
and the patience it gives

for while people can provide
behavior often proves fallible

but finding peace
in concepts and ideas

is what will
lead you to inner happiness.
Oct 2017 · 1.3k
privacy
Day Oct 2017
scared for them to see too much
always trying to keep
the facade..
Oct 2017 · 696
dream of me
Day Oct 2017
in your bed
the sweetest of sleep
in your arms
the truest of peace
close my eyes
hear, please dream of me
darling,...
*
I always do
Oct 2017 · 297
pause
Day Oct 2017
falling in love is scary
but wondering if you're falling out..
is terrifying.
Oct 2017 · 299
One Day
Day Oct 2017
Recovery will be behind me.
I will learn how to not be so angry.
Falling asleep won't be the hardest part of my day.
All of the scars will have faded away.
Conversations will be easier to start.
I will look in the mirror and recognize art.
Hospitals won't be a scary place.
Home will be a familiar space.
I will look back and I will understand,
that pain and growing come hand in hand.
One day, I'll be stronger than ever before,
and I'll have this moment to be thankful for.
Oct 2017 · 194
reasons to live
Day Oct 2017
my dog needs more love from me,
i have so much more to write
all the world still left to see
someone waits to hold me at night
calls that i have yet to place
i have kisses yet to give
food i still havent learned to make
i have so much more to live

there are days that i just lie in bed
and wonder what I'm here
but there is still so much i havent said
and the future is so near
i have someone who makes me happy
Oct 2017 · 340
Untitled
Day Oct 2017
i have so many things to write about
i just cant find the motivation
to collect my thoughts
Day Sep 2017
love has always been my drug
what i needed in my veins
and when i met you I thought
you were the dealer of my dreams
but lately
it seems like
you used all the good ****, first
now laced and deadly leftovers you offer
still i crawl back

addicted to my own demise
Luis....please. I need more than this.
Sep 2017 · 183
on the good days
Day Sep 2017
cherish the happy moments
Sep 2017 · 222
need a hug, an embrace
Day Sep 2017
the familiar feeling of a tear running down my cheek
comforts me, inviting
a wave of sadness
Day Sep 2017
...we should actually look for people...
...before they disappear...
Sep 2017 · 302
my seven wishes
Day Sep 2017
one. a cozy blanket
two. a worn out bed
three. a cracked window
four. a cool fall breeze
five. the sound of the crickets singing
six. protecting arms around me
seven. *an intimate goodnight kiss
Sep 2017 · 243
sweet love
Day Sep 2017
as we laugh, sing and dance
i stop a moment, heart in hands
turn to you, and then i say
promise me, you're here to stay?

lifts my chin, looks in my eye
forever and ever, until I die
and even after, turned to dust
your heart is safe, you can trust

even though my hands still shake
and i have never believed in fate
i hear the truth in what you say
and feel the love you give away
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