My heart,
Does not beat with yours.
Our rhythms
Irregular,
And I don't know the cause.
Time has flown,
Yet we haven't grown.
We're open stitches
That can't be sewn.
And now,
We continue our paths alone.

Can I confess?
That it wasn't my dress,
That led you to see
Me in my vest.
Dress to impress,
I do indeed.
But not to be stripped
And dipped in your sheets.
So you see,
Your desires,
Are your OWN to keep.

And do NOT blame a woman
Who you made unclean.

From one night,
To daylight,
My mind in a haze.
My body in a daze,
My soul full of shame.
As not one moment,
Can I live in present.

For past,
Is where I stay.

Your words,
They sting.
They float like bees
In the middle of spring.
Around they go,
From head to toe.
Yet I try
To swat them away.
But they stay.

And leave a stain to this very day.

Sinking in silence,
My breath is shallow.
Mind is rapid
Yet still so hollow.
'Let it pass'
They say,
Thoughts will subside.
But mine continue
To haunt me inside.
My body is tired,
Brain on fire.
As pressures of life
Raise much higher.

I wrote a letter,
For you.
A darling for me,
Caught in the blue.
Unknown,
Silent,
A mystery to life.
Though I
Saw through,
And found your light.

I feel,
Tense.
Nothing is wrong,
But nothing makes sense.
Things are,
Intense.
Overwhelmed
By fear
Locked in my head.
Silly little scares,
Born and bred.
To fears of unknown,
I can't comprehend.

Dare I say,
Take me back to sweeter days.
No worries
To fight,
Nor sorrows
To woe.
Just waiting
For sun
And the fall of snow.
These little joys
Replenished my soul.
And now,
I yearn,
For thoughts of old.

'You will be okay'.
Four words that seem so fake.

To hear it,
Is common.
But to feel it,
Is rare.

Yet the ones that tell you,
Are the ones that care.

For the hope they hold will always be there.

Sit with me,
Just for a while.
I am no creature,
Nor am I vile.
I ponder and wander,
Sitting alone.
Perhaps your company
Would feel like home?
It is too silent,
But I cannot say.
My body stays quiet,
Through night and day.
As all I crave,
Is a word to share.
To someone who stays,

And someone who cares.

My beauty,
Through and through.
What I would do,
Just for you.
I would walk the mountains,
To save your life.
Sacrifice mine,
To keep you alive.
I would stop the pain
You feel each day.
Take the bullet,
To keep you safe.
As my love for you,
Darling,
Shall never stray.

I cannot breathe,
My lungs are weak.
Tears sink
Softly down my cheek.
This isn't me,
My speech is bleak.
Shaking so badly
On my seat.
Oh doctor,
Please doctor,
What could this be?
He mutters a word
Too familiar to me.

Anxiety.

Here I sit,
Restless.
These echoes,
Relentless.
Shame
Crawling through my veins.
Leaving a mark
On my withered brain.
Too spiteful to care
For my weakened frame.

For I
Shall choose myself to blame.

I am weary,
Though not for sleep.
This yawn
Means something more deep.
And I fear,
In my rest.
Body tosses
Through unmade sheets.
Yet I wake,
Instead.

As the cycle repeats.

Here I stand.
And though I land
With a thump and thud,
Little whispers
Fill me with love.

And these little voices,
Replicate mine.
As love of others
Was difficult to find.

Yet I do not mind,
No not at all.
For love of oneself,

Is better
Then none at all.

I envision a dream,
Created by me.
Of a boat floating
Along a gentle sea.
No waves to see,
Nor fish I seize.
Just one with myself,

And finally at ease.

In my world,
There is black and white.
Lots of fights,
Continuous cries.

But that's okay.

I get my paints,
And color the greys.
Turn white to yellow,

And finally create.

One idea,
To a thousand thoughts.
Some prove true,
Others are false.
Cruel or kind?
Nobody can tell.
Not even I,
The creator of this shell.
For my own,
Are unknown,
They choose,
They decide.
Leaving a complexity
In our evergrowing mind.

Dear lord,
Lead me away.
Hurt still greets me
In the hours of day.
My loss of love
Was extraordinary pain.
And all that’s left is
Your ghostly remains.

My body,
Is here.
Yet my mind,
Is lost.
My soul,
Frozen,
Covered in frost.
And though joy exists,
I simply do not.
My brain
In a mist,
As my heart does rot.

A flatter,
To tamper.
Bruises on my skin.
You loath in power
From a delicate flower,
Seduced by ruthless sin.
Frills and thrills,
Shrieks that shrill,

This was your proudest win.

The fire,
Burns me,
Cutting deep inside.
Sparks do fly
As I speak my mind.
Trying to hide
This relapse of rage.
But it controls me,
Slowly,  
Like a puppet on stage.

Our love
Runs cold.
Memories of us
Now stale and old.
No word we utter
When coming home.
Just you and I,
In an empty lie,
Turning to stone.

Darling,
If only you knew.
My love for you,
Is through and through.
Unconditional,
And exciting too.
No other soul
Could fill your shoes.
And that
Shall always,
Be our truth.

To feel everything,
But nothing at all.

To hear everyone,
But no one to call.

To sleep and weep
In the hours of day.

I slip into darkness,
And fall astray.

My lungs,
Created as two.
Yet both drown
In the sorrow of truth.
My mind,
So busy.
My head,
So dizzy.
But i’m alive.
Though barely breathing.

My pain,
Makes you smile.
Nothing better
Then hurting a child.

Your scolded,
Yet you resume.
Torturous
Each day at school.

And you continue ,
Until shame greets you.
But you pretend ,
And offend,

Until you find someone new.

My vision,
Is blurry.
I’m locked in a cage.
My tears,
They hurry down my face.
My mind,
In fury,
It has me insane.
For I wish to finally breathe again.

My thoughts.
So dark
They can’t be sought.

Little whispers
Cloud my head.
Triggers straight to my head.

Encrypting
Their teachings
Into my mind.

And I,
Now fallen,

Subjected to lies.

Am I incapable,
Of love?
No experience
From a world so tough.
No feeling
Through a heart so numb.
Yet I succumb,
Accept,
And move on.

I plea ,
So deeply.
To stop the pain
That can’t be seen.
To stop the rain
From flooding the sea.
To halt the shame
Built within me.

To let it stray and welcome peace.

To rain it falls,
Gently pouring on my head.

My arms ,
Drenched in blood.

Voices ,
Come and flee.

Cold and rigid,
Like my body.

For waters,
They weep.

As do others ,
For me.

Your superior.
And I,
Inferior.

A hurdle in your way,
An object on display.

A possession for your pride.
And I,
Wish to hide.

For your loving kindness
Was my demise.

Oh, father.
That little girl,
You met in September.

You left.

Remember?

Without a trace,
Nor a track.
Left mother nothing but a heart attack.

But, father,
Dare I ask?

Is there a chance
You will ever come back?

Alone again
It seems.
Visions of you haunt my dreams.

Your rigged frame,
Locked in bed.
No sign of life
Through eyes of red.

Yet I speak,
Laugh,
And cry on your form.

As your breath become heavy,
My heart becomes torn.

Why,
Can't I,
Bare the truth?

It seems that the trees
Know more of my roots.

For outside,
Is safe,
To no worries or feuds.

But I,
Must hurry,

To a home with no hue.

Your heart,
Beats with mine.
We intertwine,
Creating a tie.

One becomes two.
Bound to the heart,

Chosen for you.

From your gaze,
To your taste.
Wrapped gently in your embrace.
Gifted me goods,
No other could replace.

Though your words,
Left a trace.
The soul I once embodied ,
Now trashed like waste.

As the taste I once savored,
Now soiled from your flavor.

What a melancholy night.
Thoughts so loud
They shock me with fright.
Whispers of aid,
Created by me.
Comfort alone,
By naked trees.
More touch I receive
From fields of green.
Wiping tears gently onto my sleeve.

For all I desire,
Is true company.

!TRIGGER WARNING!
(Mentions of suicide)

The wind caresses my skin.
One feeling to lead me in.
The tide
So wide,
I am feeling a rush.
Combined with hushed
Whispers of a spirit once crushed.
Though she thrived
In a landslide,
In the sea she is pushed.

To the deep waters,
She is finally shushed.

I am proud,
Little one,
For your heart has sung.
Made your own little rhythm
To your own little drum.
You have grown with wolves
But still ,
You're a cub.
Your gentle manner
Has taught you to love.
To rise above
Your lowest points.
To trudge the mountains
And reach great heights.
And now little one,
You are ready to fly.
To sadness and regret
You now wave goodbye.

At the edge,
I sink to my knees.
Nothing to feel,
Nothing to see.

The touch of grass,
Tickling my feet.
Yet no laugh I bear
In my defeat.

But a beautiful creature
Passes by.
I catch a glimpse
With my teary eyes.
She's burnt with orange
And the darkest of blacks.
So small in size
With wings on her back.

She lands so softly
On my button-red nose.
Fluttering so gently,
Unbothered by the cold.

I hold her gaze
Until she's ready to go.
And flutter away,
She goes back home.

I should follow her footsteps,
It's getting quite late.
For her presence,
Though small,
Has encouraged me to stay.

I am warm in his arms,
Though no heart he bares.
Full of light and love
From soft little hairs.
No words he can speak
Yet so caring and sweet.
His forever smile
Brings purpose to me.

When times may arise
With doubt and fear,

One moment I carry is the cuddle of a bear.

To touch the dirt,
The soil,
The sand.
To feel it run gently
Through my hand.
To hear soft creaks
In the dead of night.
To hear birds sing
As they plan a flight.

Our simple surroundings,
Give solitude of mind.
For peace is rare
In this strange little life.

I feel strange.
I was once a glory
Put directly on stage.
I showed my ability
Yet you weren't amazed.

Instead, you scold me,
But wasn't I great?

'No', you told me,
'You need to change'.

A weight
Crashes on my chest.
Your tears
Burn through my skin.

No escape,
No rest.
As you slumber
Soundly in my bed.

A feeling of emptiness
Swarms my mind.
Your thoughts
Knock heavily into mine.

They sit and wait
Until I break the line.
And fix the knot
That just won't tie.

How can a thought
Become a threat?
Created strictly
Inside our head.
Tears and sweat
From ponders of fret.
False scenarios
We beg to forget.

That is us.
Tormented by upset.

See that little girl,
Running by the sea?
The one that feels joy
To the smallest of things.

Or perhaps that little boy,
Filling with joy.
Not a single emotion
He tries to avoid.

For these little beings,
Are a reflection of you.
In youth we still live,

As age only equals two.

Life,
So brutal,
So unkind,
Burning thistles in my eyes.

Thoughts cascade and haunt my mind.

But,
What a surprise!
The arrival of peace,

My hatred has ceased from the creation outside.

I let it in,
And breathe.
And finally,
I take a moment to smile.

So here I am,
Learning and living.

So little did I know,
Before believing.

These emotions,
We are feeling,
Have purpose,
Have meaning.

And that I,
Right now,
Am truly healing.