You say things that break me a little more each time
If this keeps going you'll be part of what kills me
I never earned this life ya know
But I did deserve this pain in tow
I don't know what to think
Sometimes when you tell me things I feel calm and yet surprised
Our relationship...it's...complicated
You love me, but I can't love you back
I don't know why, cause you'd be perfect
You'd be so much better at this thing
I don't even know what to call it anymore
I can't even love anybody
I can't love anything
Maybe I thought I loved somebody at some point, but I actually didn't love anything
I could talk myself into it, convince myself that I do love you
I can do it for years and maybe, finally it would feel real
But nothing else ever felt real to be besides force
If it doesn't involve me then I don't care, but if it hurts me, I'm forced to feel it
I don't want to feel it
I've already felt enough, I already feel enough now
And I'm all out of fight
You're pretty much the only thing left My

You gulp down liquid fire trying to warm your soul like it's a city of ice and glaciers
It burns down your throat but it never hits home, it just makes it easier to live there
It burns pass your heart never melting it, but cracking the ice within it to open up something you didn't ever see before
And your therapist dares to sit there and ask that cliche question that everyone asks you, but never understands the answer you give them
*“Why do you drink?"
“It makes it easier."
“It makes what easier?"
“To live in my skin and see the inside of myself again. I look so much more beautiful on the inside. And this is the only way I can see it."

Life after life
Kingdom after Kingdom
Century after Century
Again and again
The hate
It happens, again and again
You cannot tell me my love is a sin when it feels so right
When it feels so just
You cannot tell me what I feel inside is wrong when you have never been inside my heart
You cannot tell me the mate of my soul
You have never touched it, nor seen it to tell me anything so bold
Your will can bend my body to do anything, but your will can never bend my soul
Like the tree who never bowed to any living soul

Push me down till my knees bleed
Bend me over till my back breaks
Crush me till my bones turn to dust
Wait till dawn to release me over the mountain's breath of anguish
You got your wish, you tortured me to death
Are you happy now with your decision?
Of course you aren't
You're already onto your next victim

Why do I look in the mirror and still not like what I see?
You should be happy
But you're not
You should love yourself
But you don't
And you know who I blame for that?
You.
I hate you. God, I hate you.
And I can't blame you, I feel the exact same way.
Why do I look in the mirror and still not like what I see?
It's because of you
I'm sorry.

How can I look at myself in the mirror and still not like what I see?
Am I just never meant to love me?
Ghastedly
I am ashamed
Of everything I am a part of
A monster I am
But cannot destroy
Can't destroy the pain of many
Can't destroy the pain I feel
Can't detox the poison of man
Can't block everything with steel
How can I look at myself in the mirror and still not like what I see?
Why do I let the monster inside get to me?

Three girls jumping rope
“One, two, someone's coming for you"
I couldn't help but listen to the old song I used to sing
“Three, four, never open up your door"
I never noticed it had an erriness to it
“Five, six, grab your-"
A piercing sound drums in my ear
Waking up the first thing my eyes see is an old horror movie on TV
“Opps, must have fell asleep."
Click

Standing at the cross road I sang his name
The one people always mentioned when they found out something shocking
God was never here
This place is a barren grave for the forsaken
No flowers were ever placed here
No plant ever grew here
God was never here, but this barren land still has some beauty
God was never here
And it was never ashame

Wolf of my eyes, please choose wisely
Don't go for the weakest prey
Crawl under the heavy leaves before you come and get me
I am the black shading you seek
I am the strongest amongst the meek
The ruler amongst these trees, am I
I am the shadow behind your eyes
Choose wisely, Wolf of my eyes

I envy the girls with small hands and small feet
Long hair and everything petite
I have large hands and large feet
Short hair and everything big about me
Some girls envy my height
Some girls envy my large hands cause they're good in a fight
I'm a writer, not a fighter
I'm not in a padded ring
I'm walking my way down blue lines of offering
The offering that takes me
It takes my writer's blood as offering
And it's never ending
I'm thankful for the pages that hold me
They're the reason I'm staying together
They are the reason I haven't fully fell a part yet

*And the ropes are slowly thinning away into nothing

No one wants to see the bad, and yet that's the only thing that's shown

We're in the middle of nowhere
Except trash bags are our tumble weeds
And the ash is our wind
The broken trees the children
And the fire our kin
The ash moves beneath the dry leaves
The fire plays within the broken trees
And the children die from choking on ashes

Oh death
How could you be mean to me?
You took my whole world away from me
Now I'm in this barren land
This place is just full of white sand
No trees
No twigs
No cacti
No life of any kind
No warmth or any sun
No cold or darkness
What is this place?
Why was I trapped here?
The day my father died I was stuck here to sleep
To cry
To be mezmorized by my memories and imagination, and by the fictional books in the small library
Everything here is isolated
Everyone here is medicated

Surprise!
I was scared when they yelled at me
Smiling and holding a cake covered in candles near my face
Smiles among the faces I had met just the other year ago
Seems happy but it's just a dream
The faces I met the other year ago weren't as cheery or nice as this
Nor have they looked like this at all

And just like that the illusion is gone
You're no longer you
The dried up flower petal falls into the now dusty gloom
You remember all you have lost
And suddenly
The color drains from your skin, from your soul
And you become as grey, white, and black as the dust and ashes
Soon you also start disappearing
Soon the scenery becomes cold and weary
Soon settles in the snow that makes you freeze in this moment of time
This is depression deary

It was just a pronoun
It was just a mistake
I didn't mean to call you the gender people thought you to be
I'm still going through the change
I absolutely did not mean it
I meant to call you she
Not he
I know what you are now
You're a woman
Stuck in a man's body

You're so cliche
Telling me that I'm fat and ugly
Telling me no one would ever want me
Cliche cliche cliche
Tell me something I haven't heard yet
Oh
Go **** myself?
Starve myself?
Purge myself?
And mutilate myself?
People say these things everyday
I know these things
These words sound cruel but they don't mean anything
Nothing to me anyway
You're so cliche
Go read a book
And if you don't have one
I can give you a book on how to learn any day
You're so cliche if you think that's the worse you can say

“I wouldn't expect you to know beauty."
Beauty isn't ten pounds of make up, long hair, and thigh gaps
Beauty isn't the biggest ***** or **** you can find
Beauty isn't always short and petite

Beauty is her personality
It's her laugh, it's her smile
It's her ability to make you laugh for miles
It's her hugs that make your heart beat fast
And blushing madly when she grabs your ***
It's the way she loves and lives off of fun and enjoyment
It's the way she holds you during sleep over nights

She may be beautiful on the outside, but that doesn't compare to what I know is on the inside

I hate you truly. Truly I do.
Everything about me hates everything about you
There's nothing you can do
You made that willing mistake a long time ago
I was with you till you betrayed me
You betrayed my trust in you
Now there's a never fading scar on my body because of you
All my hate, anger, and rage inside is just for you
Oh, but I won't do anything to you
I'll just wait till the moments due
When Karma will reign in on you
And hopefully, I'll be there to see her work destroy you

Sometimes people don't see the beauty in themselves

I met a guy by the riverside and I was in Denile
He made me laugh he even kept my smile
He made my heart thump when he touched me twice
He stole my love when he read me his favorite book
He stole my heart when he made his first real poem deticated to me, and he confessed all his feelings
Our souls slowly became attached to each other as we got to know each other
And I realized,
His soft gentleness is slowly conquering my insides
By turning my ******* into marshmellos and daisies
I'm not even sure if I agreed to this
If I even wanted this
It's confusing to know what I want, I want him, and I don't feel the same with him
He changed me
Forever he
No, forever we
Are bound together in time

You call me a stubborn child like it's a bad thing
But have you ever asked yourself where I got it from?
I probably got it from you
You're ******* stubborn too

“Stay strong. Keep your head up."
Yet people always seem to weaken me
And my eyes always seem to seek and find the ground
“This is the storm that'll pass very soon. Don't worry. I'll comfort you."
I've had this storm for years, and you've left a long time ago
“You'll see. You'll be happy and wonder why you were depressed at all."
I won't see. Happiness is in a pill that I don't want to take
And depression will always be a lingering fate
“If you won't accept my advice. Go ahead then. I don't care what happens to you."*

You don't get it. *I don't care about me too

My body is like the winter
Not cold, but barren
My heart is like a snow storm
Not only freezing, but icy chaos
My soul is like the winter
*Something you'll wish you never went through

The only way you could change my mind is through my ice cold heart

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is ******, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

People have storms that come and go
But I'm not everyone
My storm is it's own person
It promised to never leave me
And it's raining, thundering, blowing hard in my chest
Maybe even snowing too
We'll see it in the whether forcast tonight in my dreams
It always seems to hurt more at the worst time

I'm not a boy right?
I'm not some ******* **** on the street
I'm a female because of my body parts
I'm supposed to know how to cook, clean, and groom myself
I can wash my ***, boil water for noodles, and I can brush my hair and teeth
Shouldn't that be enough?
No it's not
I have to loose weight because I have no business being that big, I should be a size zero
I'm sick and tired of feeling horrible everyday because of how I look
I'd be better off dead

You say these hurtful things like I don't even know
I know I'm over weight
I know I'm not the prettiest girl out there
But you reminding me, and pointing out what's wrong with me isn't going to help
I'd be easier to be a boy, I hate the curse I was born with

It doesn't even matter anymore
If I exist or not
Or if I'm at death's door
I've knocked on it eleven times and hopefully twelve times a charm
What's the ******* harm?
I'll be gone
Just another life that did not matter
Just another soul buried in the ground
The one you said had a face that was round
The one you said had a heart that was proud
And a spirit so stunning and loud
I was never one meant to live so long
My fate was a song
A song sung from the me inside
I've accepted I'm not good enough
I've accepted the way the world is, but I can't seem to take it cause it drives me mad
And that
That is what shortens my fate
My fate to die
I'll wonder what death's arms feel like and how much Hell scorches in my veins for internity

My life is a rollercoaster it keeps going down without ever going up
*My life is a ride to hell because of you

This is still broken
I have been living with this for years and time has not even healed it
Time cut into it deeper
Making what I've craved more mouth watering and beautiful
Draining the life out of me, but circumstances forcing me to keep going
Drawing the energy out of my blood stream, adrenalin keeping me up, making me seem strong and unbreakable
I've broken through and through
I've just been holding on because of you
But now I don't need to hold on anymore
I'll just take this gun out
And bleed red all over the floor

**** me with your love
Suffocate my soul with the flowers of beauty
Listen to my heart beat faster knowing I'm closer to dying
Listen to my song of heart
Just let our love tear me apart
Listen to the words I'm saying
Don't you know what I am playing?
I used to love you now I don't
Why do you think every I love you tears me apart?
I just can't stand it
It's killing me
Your love is too much to bear and mine has long left me
Just let your love **** me
It will be the end of me anyway

Blond hair and blue eyes
Smiling beautifully, and wonder, I
Love you like no other
Like another brother of mine
In heart
In soul
Both of ours seemed to crack
Causing an almost incurable pain
One of us got better
The other not
And we'll meet one day
And hug it out
We will both be happy I dream
We will both have the families that we've always dreamed
You'll marry a husband
And I'll be happy with the friends that became my new family
We'll both be happy living this life of love

I let go because you never had me

I haven't forgotten the words you have said to me
They rotate around my mind everyday
And they will never leave
They burned themselves deep in my subconscious always reminding me, doubting me, hitting and beating me down to the point when I don't know anymore
I don't know if I'll ever be enough for the world
And sometimes I ring those words as true, all the words you said to me ring true inside
*Never giving me piece of mind

I will never be enough
*When I'm never enough for myself

I'm not sure what to say as I pen this down
What I am feeling is making me drown
In a sea of emotions, of feeling
I no longer know with what I am dealing
I want to tie heavy rocks to my feet
So I don't float up from under the sea
Symbols of life don't help me
Symbols of love, regrets fill me
A sea, empty and full, of feeling
A darkness destructive and unyielding
A blackness that fills me whole, contaminating everything that it please
Even the bit of relief I get from writing hasn't set me free
I'm going on my own, the sea being my coffin, and the darkness my company in this unending dream
I'm not even bothering to fight
*I've already lost the battle and the war

Some friends are for different seasons
Some friends stay for different reasons

So many reasons why, not enough time

Men so heartless ruled the earth for many years
And still today heartless and soulless men claim their hands are free of blood when it's on every inch of their body, and still they control us

Why do men so heartless hold the power with their pride?
Why do the weak have more heart than the strong and heartless?

*I have to be heartless to be strong
Or
Have the most heart and be weak

A thousand words
A thousand times
Words we know
That are lies
“I'm fine."

Every time I stand in front of a mirror
I see everything on myself I hate

My face, my body, my feet, my hands, my weight

I don't even want, love, or accept myself because of my own self hatred
I can't fathom what's wrong with me
Everything is, nothing is
I can't even make my own mind up right
I can't even understand the messed up **** in this subconscious of mine
I just can't figure me out
I'm a mystery to myself, unsolved, untold, unexpectedly twisted in this void heart of mine
I'm something of a mist, you can feel it, you can see it, but you can't figure out why it's always here, you can't figure out how lost it makes you, you can't find yourself in this low cloud of anguish
The only thing in this mist is me, me trying to find the real me
*I'm all on the outside looking in
I'm still lost even within

It's hard to talk on the phone
Can't quite focus on what they're saying
Stuttering and stammering for words
At loss for what to say
Then you have the words again
You say the words you mean to say
They come out sounding weak and jagged,
Meek and lame
And you feel useless in the department of speaking
Your heart beats and jumps wildly at the attention you never wanted, the attention that seems to put an untold amount of pressure and judgement upon you
You never feel like talking again, except to maybe voice an opinion someone might actually care about
You panic when someone new talks to you
Heart thumping madly to get out of your chest, telling you to get out of this situation

This is not a cold, not the flu
Not something you can get over too

If life were a sea, you could see how many people are drowning, including me.
*Would anybody save them, or is it just me?

I wish I could change the way I think
But I can't!
I can't when it's the only thing I know

I'm tired
   *My whole being wants to give up

Tired of this world around me
Rid the pain that's in me
Irritated with everything around me
Enddings never end
Dying inside slowly

*I TRIED

I still hope
         *Even when I tell myself not to...

If and when I live alone
I'll cry all I want
Inside and out
And since no one will see or hear me cry
It'd be like I never did at all

Do you know what it feels like?
To imagine killing people, and then feel slightly guilty after thinking so
Do you know what it feels like?
To hurt yourself feeling you deserve it, and afterwards you regret it
Do you know what it feels like?
To be a lesser being, to not even matter that the world doesn't hear you screaming
Do you know what it feels like?
To want to rip your own heart out, to stop the feeling, to stop the pain, to rid the burden, and the heavy rain
Do you know what it feels like?
**To be on the outside of every single thing