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8.0k · Jul 2018
Ash Jul 2018
You know when you get the whisper of a melody in your head,
Or just that murmur of a song,or poem that you just have to write,
That gut feeling you get that it could be something amazing,
That's exactly  what I feel when am with you,
Euphoria  at it's highest peak.

True this could just be a lust phrase
That will hit hard and leave me seeing stars
True our physical chemistry isn't in question
But lacing fingers in the dark,hot breaths on your neck
Your murmur's "I know its to early but I really really more than like you"say more its like a euphoria drug injection to my heart.

You are like this song in my head,I want to hear more of
The whole song,the whole melody
I want to figure out if this is a song with power
Or one that will fade into history without leaving a mark.
All I know is I want more of this.
2.9k · Aug 2018
I miss you
Ash Aug 2018
I've been looking for you in each stranger,
Each blue eye with sand hair makes me turn,
Each musical note I play is a reminder of your name,
I often forget to distinguish my voice from yours though this mics
I said I'll be strong but mama I miss you.

I guess blood is thicker than time than death since,
Each eye on this arena feels like yours
Every time I give life to this fiction characters
I hear your laugh,feel you cringe,
Each attempt to hide from this paps,
Feels like a carbon copy of yours,only with a failed attempt
I said i'll be strong but mama I miss you.

It's been a decade,I want to lie i'm stronger/mature i'm not
I still ball over and cry sometimes,especially days like this,
I still let them in even though you warned me about naivety,
I still shy away from the life you and dad gave us,
I know I said i'll be strong but mama I miss you.

I have loads of questions,so I ask the siblings you gave me,
Hoping they asked the same questions to you,
Hoping they pour your knowledge to me,
I watch  you,how you were,so beautiful so young,
I know I said i'll be strong but mama I miss you.

I've tried been good,
Though this creepy's make the search engine say am not,
I want to talk about your old man and your boys,
Right now though I'll be a little selfish because,
I know I said i'll be strong but mama I miss you.
2.7k · Aug 2018
Talking bodies
Ash Aug 2018
Eyes a bitter shade of red
Breaths coming in quick and heavy
Throat pains because of our yelling
Emotions drained from this Fights

Logic crying out for someone to cool off
Though some things  shifted now
The staring contest has began
A **** match that involves eyes now

Eyes drifting lower
Foreplay with the touch of our eyes.
Angers metamorphosis to lust.
It begins with you moving towards me
Me pinned up against this wall
Our bodies talking loud
Taking us to a place
So intense it's beyond bliss
Where we don't come out of for a long time.

Now we lay here in these sheets
Cuddling,head on your chest
Repeating our mantra  
Our bodies share a language
This is how we loss pieces of our hearts to each other.

This is how we keep coming back for more.
One smart-*** mouth to the other,
Knowing this is a journey towards bliss
Ash Sep 2018
You know those films on movies where they flip the table
Throw things around and scream obscenities at everyone
Well this is exactly what I would do,if my life was a movie
Instead I the prey sit here hiding all the anger trapped inside
Instead I the prey take a walk stay silent taming it all in
Instead I the prey fall prey every time to the predators bait

You know that feeling you get when you are disgusted by yourself
Trying to conjure up where everything went wrong?
How you can change things?
What to do not to repeat the same mistake?
When you finally think I got this,you repeat the same thing
Only to get things actually have gotten worse
Well that feeling of disgust is not funny

You know that feeling you get when realize how naive you've been
When you realize all the anger that you have is because:
You just couldn't let go
You held onto your ideas so strongly,you couldn't see the others
You loved someone to much but didn't love an ounce of yourself
You listened to all the negative people
You felt all the negative energy and let it consume you
Yeah well I can tell you how pathetic and joyful realizing that will make you feel

I put you on top
So far up there
When I need you the most
When I come to collect my fingers caught ***** first,
Then I stretched a little further and got hate
I stretched a little further and got unfaithfulness
I stretched and got pain so much pain and anger
When I almost gave up I got me back with a sprinkle of wisdom
So I'll give you this I love you always will
Even though you shattered me
Though I love you more because you dear
Returned me back with a sprinkle of wisdom
This poem is a get way of some sort,I wrote it with a lot of anger at first as clearly seen in the first stanza but as I was writing,spilling this words out I realized my problem all the anger morphed into something else better than crying or being angry all the anger towards the person towards my situation turned to getting me back with a sprinkle of wisdom ,now I just wished I had done this earlier which shows what I meant by not loving an ounce of myself since I listen to others more than I listened to me,I loved and wanted to be loved more than I had love for myself,always doing what they want to please them always holding so firmly to my philosophies that I broke every single time things didn't go how I idealized them,So this is just what this poem above is about it took this final straw just when I thought things couldn't get worse only for them too for me to get me back with a sprinkle of wisdom
1.7k · Mar 2018
Ash Mar 2018
Bright Eyes
I know you stare at me while I sleep
Try making me close my eyes by kissing
my eyelids when i awake,
Bright Golden eyes,
Telling me more  when you steal glances at me,
Bright Golden eyes,
To my heart you bring pure surrender
Bright Golden eyes,
Though your lips remind me everytime,
That you love me all the time,
Bright Golden eyes,
Tell me more,
Bright Golden eyes,
Tommorow the sun will rise and I will come back,
I miss you and I love you
Bright dark blue eyes mine
Bright golden eyes yours
Till tomorrow. I love you
Bright Golden eyes I won't take long
Ash Jun 2018
What are you looking at
Close your eyes then there is nothing to see.
Your not alone,we are all ugly
the difference is some wear it and some hide it
no one's perfect,so close your eyes,there is nothing to see.
Only you will ever do you better,don't dwell on past mistakes and struggles fight all the uglies that made you not love yourself,because the best thing we can ever do to yourself is first loving yourself first so that you can give love to someone else.So shut them out fight all the anger uglies,depression uglies,deceit uglies, anxiety uglies etc.
1.5k · Jul 2018
Ash Jul 2018
It's not just the piano notes
It's not's its sharps or should I say it's flats
It's not the music sheet
It's obviously not my E major voice
Neither is it how well our voices blend
When the concertmaster says start to
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

It's not just the Violins
G3, D4, A4, and E5 soothing notes
That keep us playing even when the rest stop
It's not our audiation that keeps as late
Into the night writing,meditating,singing
Laughing at each others crazy lines.
Or your masculine tattooed arms, Strumming the guitar
Neither is it your ability to manipulate your voice to both
Tenor and a Countertenor,so that when the concertmaster says start
To Michael Bolton - When a Man Loves a Woman
It feels like heaven has just opened its doors.

It's not how high I can hit the yala leyo notes
Neither is it my ability manipulate my emotions
So that when the concertmaster says to me Start To
Loren Allred - Never Enough
I give the crowd both my voice and my emotion

It's the memories the two of us make
That lead up to this moment
When the concertmaster says Start
The memories trickle in
The laughs,the anxieties,the fun,the fights
Even the shared pizzas and movie nights
That are all joined with the one thing that we share
Our passion for music,it's culture and giving it life
It's beauty and how freeing and liberating it's words can be
Things we both want to say but really can't
So we use the most basic language we both get
1.4k · Sep 2018
I don't mean to be annoying
Ash Sep 2018
I don't mean to be annoying
Creating this kind of mess
When you buried me you left your shovel in my chest
When you buried me you forgot to untie my legs
How dare you when you know I love to live fast
Oh sorry for a sec I forgot I was dead

I don't mean to be annoying
But you left me in distress
This shadow we created isn't give me a rest
The way we left things black and white
Is like a snake running in and out my chest
I'll haunt you,I'll give you nightmares
Babe can't you see i'm in distress
Free me give me my freedom
So I can die a peaceful death

I don't mean to be annoying
I don't mean to cause dement
Are you sure are you sure
You didn't mean to cause my death?
You were right ghost are real
I'll be in every nightmare of yours
Free me i'll leave
Don't forget to pick your shovel from my chest
Let's erase this dark shadows causing me unrest
Well this come to me while my ex was trying to reach out,I guess raw pain morphed to anger,it was a while back but I guess I didn't leave with an empty soul words this angry words in a bad poetic form replaced the anger
1.4k · Jul 2018
Ash Jul 2018
Am always choosing
Between the lesser of two evils
The lesser of two wrongs
Haunted by the shadow of my mistakes
The guidance of my little successes
1.3k · Sep 2018
Ash Sep 2018
Your sleek real smooth
How you sleeked into me
Into my mind,I shared my thoughts
Into my body,this fingers sinned forth
Into my soul,this fragile broken frost

We played games different games though
I played wanting only you
You played wanting the whole crew
Only I couldn't see we were playing differently
Only I was borderline stupid to fall this hard

Even this nose ring didn't hurt this much
Neither did this tattoo no not this much
What is it your looking for?
What is it you want from this crew?

All this hate that was spewing from this crew
You knew the reason,while I  was hanging on being love struck(stupid)
You just sent me to this ICU bed like my twin
You just plucked me off your bed of lies

Spero tu ottenere che cosa tu siamo ricerca per
I really did love you but its time for me to wake up
Don't worry I'll remove your thorns from my back
You just turn this heart into stone
1.3k · Aug 2018
How does it feel to love
Ash Aug 2018
I love you
Pretty amazing mantra you see
But what does it mean
We all have ideas of what love is
That's  why we create  songs about it
That's why the heart flatters when the one say it to us
Our mind fetching  from it's Databases of ideas of love how it should be
Thinking this is it Love has arrived
But am sorry love Logic gets the best of me most times
The ideas fade on quick
No love is not supposed to hurt like this
Love does not lack a spark like this
Love is not Lust
Love is not this suicidal
So someone please tell me
How does it feel like to love
Let's see if your ideas of it fade quick
Being young well the ideas of love could be simply naive. I  often wonder how it feels like to feel love,to give love and be loved. I mean that kind of love that has everyone singing about the one that got away, that love of a mother and daughter  that love that makes 100 year old couples to still be all over each other.How does love survive time, negative emotions like jealousy and a ******* of one person's anxiety him/her and the partner. I guess it's work it takes work I mean but really how does it fell like to love
1.3k · Jul 2018
Rotting Heart
Ash Jul 2018
I know am the one that got away
I know I have no right to talk to you
I know that probably you hate me
I know all this but still my rotting heart has me saying this

I've been thinking about you,missing you,
I've been writing to you but they are all drafted
I've been angry,messed up all the time I just can't let you go
I've been trying to move on but I just can't

You see my ears bleed red whenever our song plays
You see I wonder if you have already found "the one" again
You see I want to call you but am afraid of being a flotsam
You see am a ****** arena because my heart and brain are in war

Have you been looking at your phone hoping the next call is mine?
Have this 5 months we have been apart changed you  too?
Have you been waiting for me,like I have been hoping you have?
Have you been trying to reach out to me but been non-successful ?

It's naive for me to think positively,I burnt the bridge right?
It's wrong for me to wish that you are as miserable as I am,
It's wrong for me to say am sorry after 5 months of saying nothing,
It's even wrong for me to still hope that there might still be an us.

Wait,I know I hurt you by ghosting like that am sorry,
Wait have this 5 months also taken a toil on you,changed you?
Wait,if I call you if I tell you it's me how will you react?
Wait ugh, Why am I doing this I should just call you right?

Just know I still love you,no one has loved me like you do
Or should I say am sorry I left without a word
Have you been wishing I could just reach out to you?
No don't tell me if not,my rotting heart will fall
1.2k · Dec 2018
Inhale Love,Exhale Hate
Ash Dec 2018
When there is no pain,
The words seem to fade,
To a faint voice in the back of my head,
To a scribble on a paper not worth sharing not worth keeping,

When there is no pain,
I feel too busy to write,
So I listen to the words in my head,
Not itching of a scribble or a write.

So all those times I write happy poems
It's me .trying to use words for comfort
In an ultimate reality of words
Disappearing in each imagination

So I'll try to write this happy poems,
No anger
As an "Inhale love Exhale hate"gesture
Even if it seem like I'm too busy at my happy moments
Pondering happy poems
1.1k · Jul 2018
Uninvited Guest
Ash Jul 2018
I know how this goes
I've been here before
I still let you in
Knowing that you will push me over this cliff
Knowing that you won't be there to hold me at the end of this cliff
I hate this
I want to say I hate you
I don't though because I don't care enough about you
I'm just naive so naive
I keep letting you in
But you are no longer invited
I won't open this flood gates again
I'm shutting them go play with someone else
You aren't invited anymore.
1.1k · Aug 2018
Silently Blind
Ash Aug 2018
If I had known earlier that
My almost becoming blind
Would bring you back
Then I guess ...

Even in the darkness,my mind was still active,
It drew up images of you, of books,of the my piano,
But mostly you ,mostly of us ,Mostly of things I thought,
I wouldn't see again but I heard your voice,That was real.

Even in the darkness,My skin remembered your touch,
I felt your hot tears on my skin,telling me you are there ,
At the end of this tunnel,your palm never left mine ,
Even as you snored into the night,You held it .

Even in the darkness,My ears made out what you said,
How you constantly stressed the doctors and nurses,
How you begged me to wake up because you just got me back,
How you still loved me and you forgive me and your sorry ,
How you prayed I never knew you prayed even in Arabic,
How you had secret conversations with my bro,
Just because you didn't want to move from my bedside.

Even in the darkness,my senses weren't dead I felt everything,
Emotions I couldn't hide,Thoughts I tried to push away,
Beauty and peace at all the things and people I had and don't,
Mostly my weak body ironically wanted to comfort you ,
Tell you that am sorry too and am happy you found me,
Mostly I missed reading and playing on my piano.

If I had know earlier that almost becoming silently blind,
Would bring you back to me,
Would let me see the blessings around me,
Then I guess ... but only with the ulterior motive of feeling this,
To know all this but everything happens at the right planned time,
So I guess i wouldn't have wanted to have gone though this earlier.
824 · Jun 2018
Stare a little longer
Ash Jun 2018
If you can't see
anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
(I see my big blue eyes lol)
but just
stare a little longer
because there is something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
"they are wrong"
For only you
will ever know your worth
so stare a little longer
"they are wrong"
779 · Jul 2018
Broken Boy
Ash Jul 2018
What will you do Broken Boy?
Your fears are coming to life
Your blood is boiling,
Your eyes are changing
Your claws are showing,
Your voice is changing
Your skin is breaking
You can't run
You can't hide from yourself
The broken boy in you can't wait to play
What will you do Broken Boy?
What will you do?
621 · Jun 2018
Paranoid much?
Ash Jun 2018
Some nights,
Am the fallen star,
with too many wishes
hanging upon it.

Some days,
am the wilted flower,
which has seen too many winters
and too few springs.

Mostly I am the invisible presence
that never quite learnt to show itself.
I have watched too many people
and know too well the bitter scent of pretence in the air.

They will pretend to,
see you,
know you,
love you.

Only for them to,
hurt you,
leave you,
**** you

Life is a party some said
but no one warned me
against uninvited  Guest.
611 · Sep 2018
Safe Haven
Ash Sep 2018
You've told me a couple of times
You've put it down too
You've shown it to them to me
I've held it back
Fighting with this brain,fingers
Not to say
You are my Safe Haven
Or maybe it Safe Heaven
Oh no that would be grammatically wrong
Sarò qui quando torni
I don't know how to say this but I just wish now that I told him earlier,Now his gone,if you come back this is for you only you,from your speed Demon Angel
484 · Aug 2018
My Dear friend Fear
Ash Aug 2018
Am at this edge
Looking down at beautiful  clouds,
Tired of wondering,
How it feels to  ,fly with my generations eagles,
How it feels to ,breath the top air,
How it feels to,stay full because am always hungry,
How it feels to ,have my hands for wings,
How it feels to ,use my dear friend fear to get me there,
Because fear is,my dear friend who drove me here.

I see this beautiful people, flying above me,
So beautiful,so bold,larger than life as they eminate love,
I hear voices, saying just jump,
Take this risk,Fly with us we will teach you,
For there are many who you will help, just jump,
Fear my driver,my friend,
Took a plunge I heard him squeal,
I don't see him flying though,
Neither did I hear him fall,
But I can feel him take control now,
Giving me excuses not to jump,
Offering a ride back,
To my comfort zone home

Thank you fear,
For driving me here,
I don't want a ride ,
I'll take the plunge,
I won't close my eyes,I'll keep them wide,
Stalling,like a bullet will rob my time,
I'm burning the brigdes by this, I don't care,
I'll hit the ground running,
Or spread this hands, coaxing the birds,
Fear my friend,some times my coward friend,
Hop on my back seat,
You've drove me forso long,It's my turn now,
Your my friend,I won't cast you aside,
So buckle up, collect  the memories as I drive.
Sometimes we get stuck in wrong situations,at that point time due to our animal instincts our emotions and brains combine creating this illusion called fear,Fear in turn triggers the fight or flight and now it's up to your brains conditioning to pick one fear will give you a ride to whichever you choose,This are not the only options though because if you have ever run from what every problem it is  you wear running from,It might be addiction, a bad marriage,failure in any dimension of your life you name it,if you get to a state of fear your mind will give you solutions what you should have done,what you can still do,how you can fix it,how you can learn from it and again Solutions but most often this same fear can hold you back,it's ironic like that it gives you a solution then holds you back showing you everything that could go wrong so your brain and your soul are in a battle one wants to go ahead use this solutions when the other is visualizing all the ways everything could go wrong .I've found myself in this kind of situations a lot.So I wrote this to just when I was about to make a life changing decision yes it was out of fear but it is the best choice I have no regrets.Fear is my friend even though I have to put it on a leash sometimes
424 · Jun 2018
Click Away
Ash Jun 2018
"You need to be thin"
"You have to dress pretty"
"You are naturally tall"
are all you need
then give me a call"
your acceptance into the hall
I watched what I ate
I worked out more
and became the facade
to please them all.
Click away Mr
take pictures of this skinny
model facade I put on
the runway Mr
so I can flaunt andwalk
pretty,thin and tall
just don't ask me
did you eat today
because I'll say
sure I did
I ate plenty of
with a side of regret
sprinkling of diet pills
for dinner I will eat
instagram photos of food
post a few photos of my
pretty,tall,thin self
and suddenly I won't
be hungry anymore.
So click away Mr
Yes I ate and will eat
and still maintain this
facade for them all
It's quite sad that most of us want to maintain an "acceptable lovable image "that the society has put up for us.We are caught up with this dogma that we don't mind the pain,I don't know if I should call it craving attention or a cry for help that our self esteem is taking a dive to the gutter.
413 · Jun 2018
Ash Jun 2018
I asked you,
what do I do when the devil on my shoulder
tells  me to bawl on a blow-in
just to get all the pent up frustration  out.
You said
"Take your emotions to school"

Last week
I asked you,
what to do when my pride and selfishness
make me believe that I am larger than life?
You said
"I wish you could be more specific"
So I told you in terms
I don't know anything that feeds to my ego.
You said
"when you feel like this in terms of riches
remember there is someone out there who has a lot more than you do and if not so if you are deemed the richest according to your definition of richness by everyone around you and even the whole world then look at the sky with  stars so rich,the moon a mystery  and the sun so hot  and ask yourself if you can be that rich or that full of life or that mysteriousness."

Last month
I came to you bitter
I asked why is the world biased
always shows a side to it that I never knew(the ugly one)
why I got hurt despite
my tenderness
my altruistic
You said
"My dear life is never fair and
things won't always go the way you want them to most days and life doesn't revolve around you
so before you go somewhere or make any move
before you speak
study your environment and learn to live in it
for some people are accustomed to
violence and a have a wrong philosophy towards life
don't change them,
don't fight them
do not advise them
they think you are weak
against them
they will
despise you,
**** you
and always be in your way.
Instead plan ,calculate your moves,think,never forget to think
and be the better person and version of yourself despite what is going on the outside.Plus always remember you are the only person who can never be your own enemy,your family,friends and lover can but not you."

Four months ago
I came to you
Proud and boasting,
I judged all those who weren't on my level
I spoke ill until I noticed it
and asked what to do when all
I want and seem to do is judge people
You said
" What another person's accomplishment,
style of mind or dressing is,
is none of your business so whenever you feel like judging
shut your brain up by telling it that it is none of your business only judge when it is your business to"

Eight months ago
I wallowed in  depression and regrets
those what ifs,those shoulda,coulda ,woulda
that I never did knowing that
my life would have a different turn about if only...,
I came to you
disgusted by feelings towards myself
and asked
where can I find the light when I am sinking to low in depression's
confines due to  regrets caused by addictions, my mendaciousness and constant state of guilt
You said
"When the mist of depression darkness fogs your brain just remember no amount of guilt can change your past and no amount of anxiety can change your future.You have the power to have make decisions that will pull you out the confines of future depression,anxieties and paranoia."

Today I woke up to your letter
It said
Dear Z,
To mark this being the last day of the ninth months
since you started catechizing me
I will spring something that has always been inside you
but by a medium of words
always work on improving your character,relations to people
and your philosophies
Never think you know to much and that can't learn from others or situations or in general  stop trying to learn more because there is always something to learn try being open minded and you will see this is true
If life knocks you down wake up look at what caused the knock out study  the what not's to and then shake  it off but never forget.
Mostly learn from other people's experiences read ever chapter feel every emotion and the what not to and what to then use it.
Then finally remember to live
you don't only live once
but you live every day
and die once
so make the most out of today and
whatever happiness means to you chase it everyday follow
it just
most of all
be happy.
378 · Oct 2018
Only You
Ash Oct 2018
Once upon a time we had it all
Somewhere down the line we went and lost it
One brick at a time we watched it fall
I'm broken here tonight and Darling no one else can fix me
Only You
This is from little mix,though I totally relate to this right now
363 · Jul 2018
No More,Am done
Ash Jul 2018
You love skinny-dipping in my tears
yet you think they are pathetic
You love the snowflakes of my blue days
Yet you say I should cheer up a bit
You say I should control my anger
Yet you poke me,insult me,what do you what from me
You love when I cower and crawl under
yet you say I should be stronger,tougher
You love the hate you make me give
Yet you say am mean and selfish
You love when am weak and begging
Yet you say am greedy and desperate
You say you love me,you do all this out of love
Yet behind closed doors you treat me like dirt
Yet you remind me am illegitimately born
Yet you flaunt how pathetic I am
Yet you expose me to abuse
Yet you expose me to drugs
Yet you deny me my rights
Yet you drain my soul dry
Yet I trust you,believe each word.
Yet am saying Now am sorry,am done.
No I won't live like this anymore
354 · Jun 2018
Your words were my religion
Ash Jun 2018
How could words that felt like
lava to my inner skin
leukimia to my bones,
Septal Defects to my heart ,
have turned into blows,
after sickening blows?

How is it that I could only
mentally scream for you to shut up
stop this mental and physical abuse
but not actually saying it.

I guess I know why,
I guess I always knew why
I knew it but did you also know why
Tell me you also  know why

Well maybe that's why
I listen to all this sad songs
don't trust this thing between my chest
learned to trust this thoughts in my head.

Your words taught me
bruise me,broke me then modelled me
only to throw me,crush me then model me
Ironically you made me elite and haughty me
You would like me but I don't like me

I blame myself though
Your words were my religion
bitter cruel they made this though
I wish I wasn't talking to a corpse though

Your words were my religion
your blows were my conviction
blood,tears and pain
though I wish they never were my religion
276 · Aug 2018
Ash Aug 2018
His laying there lying,
His crying  while lying
His lying is turning us into crying crimes,
Eyes shades blind from all this fake crying,
Laying there,lying while crying,
Probably because he knows his dying.
220 · Jul 2018
Ash Jul 2018
It's funny that you can't listen to me
when I speak
You seem not even to notice
when I walk into the room
But when I take my sit
Next to the Piano
When I clear my throat
When my voice starts pouring down
the arena you can't look away from me
Your voice seems to leave you
It seems like suddenly you are holding your breath
Look at you
Now you want to claim me
Am sorry you should have asked to claim me
Before you realized what I was all  about
216 · Jul 2018
I wish you were here
Ash Jul 2018
I've been sailing on this boat
Trying to be strong
You see this boat
Has cracks lot's of them
I'ts not that I don't see
No I just turn a blind eye to them
I distract myself the only way I can
I read a lot
I draw and paint a lot
I play  a lot
I dance a lot
I try looking for someone like you in everyone
I listen to a lot of PD audio books
But mostly I  think of you
Mostly I think of little S
Mostly I think of you fighting
Mostly I repeat this process all over again
But now I just wish you were here
180 · Jul 2018
Does he Know
Ash Jul 2018
Does he know
What I feel every time he calls
Can he hear  how my voice breaks a little
Every time he says please stay on the line
Say anything just don't stop talking or snoring
Has he heard what my roommate says about us
I try telling her we are only friends
She says am too naive to see
How his eyes darken a little
when I talk to some guy
How possessive he gets with me
How he tends to laugh more
How he tends to let his guard down around me
I don't see it because I am too busy having fun
I guess I am that naive
But does he know
Why on my part I linger on our hugs
Does he know am afraid of letting go
I can feel it
Am losing him
That's what they can't see
Am losing my bestfriend
And getting someone else
I don't want at all....Or Maybe I do
166 · Dec 2020
The gift of time
Ash Dec 2020
There is beauty in time,
it makes or breaks us,
puts that mark of difference
in all of us.
Yet we can't store it ,
Even tho we can give it,
We can lose it,
Time is a limited Gift
Thinking out loud ,The beauty of time
Ash Dec 2020
A boy will say
  You deserve better
A man will say
  I will make myself better to deserve you
Always remember that
126 · Mar 2020
Ash Mar 2020
I often wondered how it would feel like lossing it.
I always thought there would be splashes of blood and  I love you from my man's lips.
I always wanted it to be perfect.

If I said a few months ago six to be exact I was happily single would you believe me.
If I said I was a ****** till yesterday would you believe me.
If I said my ex wait boyfriend oh I don't know.
If I said I had broken up with him two days ago for cheating on me but still let him take my virginity yesterday would you believe me?
If I said my virginity didn't stop him because he is in a party rn would you believe me?

Four months ago he didn't feel right the whole relationship didn't feel right
Three months ago I found a string of text with him and other girls
Two weeks ago he goes on a trip and came back with intimate pictures
One day ago he apologized  saying we need to talk but took the only thing I hadn't given him
I love him but he says he can't say it because he is working on himself .

How I feel about this,
Heartbroken,sad, suicidal
What I'm going to do:
Breath and learn to love me as a non ****** .
Cry cry alot
I fell for a bad boy four months ago,things weren't great from the get go,it didn't stop me from loving him tho,I had held on to my virginity for so long so long it made me feel stronger like I'm a price after yesterday tho,I thought since we were intimate for the first time and that he knew he was my first things would be different,I know it's naive ,I have no one to tell,I fake my laughs I fake my smiles how ai wish he would call or text but nothing comes no good morning text no goodnight text only a babe I'm in a party the only text the whole day,I'm sorry I shared this I just need to share I'm sorry to myself
106 · Dec 2020
The Last Call
Ash Dec 2020
Me: Hello,
Him: Hello ,hey
Me: Can I ask you a quick question?
Him:Sure ask anything,
Me:Can I move on now,It's been 4 months
Him:Why have you met someone else?
Me: No I havent because I keep waiting for you,
Me: You call me all sorts of pet names knowing I love you then nothing
Him: I thought I told you its nothing serious.
Me:Rembering I gave  him my virginity,Him introducing me to his family as his wife to be,Him showing me off and then the fights,his anger issues and then him finally dumping me and me seeing him all over another girl
Him:Listen I just started seeing someone else it's been two weeks
Him: I don't want things to change between us,
Him: Ash are you there?
Him: Hey ASh?
Me: Coahz I loved you so much I waited for for months for you to stop being angry,I lost my virginity to you ,spent money on you,was it not enough ,I'm I not enough never mind tho,thank you for ...
Him: Fuckkk
Him:Hangs up
Ash Dec 2020
It's been four months since we broke up,
In those four months i've been praying,
Praying that we get back together  but
You don't want that you say anything but,
Yet ask to see me quite often ,
It's been 10 months since I shared the secret,
The secret of my body with you My virginity,
It's been four months since you dumped me,
Yet how is it that my heart still aches?
Yet how is it that I can't seem to move on?
Yet how is it that I still can't understand why,
Why it was so easy for you to just walk away?
Why you don't want me back?
Why you moved on ?
Why God allowed you to come into my life?
Why He did it in spite of knowing you'd hurt me?
Why i'm still in so much pain all the time?
Why I can't stop:
Thinking about you
Thinking about who you are with
Thinking about how life is for you
Thinking if your thinking of getting back with me
Thinking if only I could see how your mind works
Thinking if only I had the power of time for sure i'd
Go back and do so many things right :
One of those things would be not letting you be mine
Were you really mine though?

— The End —