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Anais Mar 16
"Tell my mom I love her," She wrote, midnight creeping in,
The chill of the night swarmed me,
a gut-wrenching, stomach clenching knowing,
Flashing lights in the distance,
minds chaotic, frantic, dazed,
banging and banging and banging
The time flew, or jumped, or vanished,
and I saw the cuts, the tears, the pain,
the utter nothingness behind sad orbs,
The blood dripping from her neck and arms,
slowly, drying, as if taunting the scars,
she said nothing, only cried, wept and screamed,
Beside her, I stand as she says
"I don't regret it at all."
Anais Nov 2019
were my thoughts,
Until the sight of
you became manifested
in my daydreams,
And I find myself
thinking unrequited
love renders me
unwilling to let go,
but knowing,
with miserable rumination,
that the heart only
mends what is
Anais Jan 2020
I feel broken and damaged and weak,
All the while so utterly lost,
Because I have something so close to
my grasp that I smile, and I feel that
genuine happiness,
only to have it
ripped from the grasp I never had.
Alas, what is the point of hope
when it is destined to tear you down?
What is the point of passion,
when a single word can burn it away?
What is the point to live,
when your life is but a math
problem never meant to be solved?
What is the point of it all,
when all I feel is pure fear?
Life can **** sometimes.
Anais Nov 2019
Upon that
willow tree
I find my
carved in;
It was
with strands
of my brown hair,
I whisper
hoping my
receive replies
from souls
long passed
I hate high school.
Anais Nov 2019
Sharp turns,
Bright smile,
Pointed feet,
Beautiful face,
Tall posture,
Straight arms,

"It's all about the technique."
They said.
Constantly. Screams in my
Doubts of skill,
of capabilities.

"Hair up, watch the posture!"
Whispers in the corner.
Judges, teachers,
watching my every skin.
Old shoes,
grey in colour,
Two injuries to the leg,
A forced smile,
A lust for sunsets.

Wrapped the shoes in
for the grand

Carried by the wind,
two strong arms, brown in
colour, defined.
Up, and up I go.
Look up, chin up, fingers up.
Like an angel.
"Move the hands sharply.
With the music.
Relaxed, yet strong."
Down I go, back to the chest.
A face, two eyes, brown lips.

Tall posture, hands meet,
Pirouettes, Assemblé, Plié.
Turn to look,
fall in love.
Grande Jeté. Tour en l'air.
A Pas de deux. In perfect sync.
He looks past me. Past my eyes,
past my soul.

I stare at him. Directly. Entering his
very orbit. Exploring the chocolate of
his orbs.
Relishing his scent, the drops of sweat
dripping from his brow.
Back down I fall.
A final Panché.
Staring up, leaning
towards him.
Him. Staring at another.
In a closet, while I,
savour the bitterness
of a Pas de deux.
Anais Jul 2020
It rained and poured, and I drowned
A sunken heart, a suffocated heart
They warned me
But I listened to only your voice
Your soothing voice amid the raging storm
It was bliss, the cigarette I swore I’d never smoke
Alas here I am
the person I have become
A stranger
Broken down,
Devoured by your past
But a remnant of the ash you discarded
Anais Nov 2019
He'd called
Hoping for a
Hoping for
That tension
That beautiful

But alas,
Butterfly wings
Had long been
Awaiting a lust
Greater than

She sat there,
Hoping for that
But thoughts were
Satisfying bitter
With unrequited

It cracked
In three insignificant
He broke
Melted into the
Stone cold
Hid away under
Day in
Day out,
Until tissues
Filled those
Until winter
Collided with
Until friendship
Bloomed into
Until butterflies

Until it all
Faded into
A bitter-sweet
Anais Feb 2020
I look everywhere, and
everywhere I see you
You, you, you,
reminding me of what
I don’t have and
what you do.
Because I gave you every
inch of myself, and you
gave me a dream you
could never live up to.
And you laugh, with your friends,
about the girl you’ve deceived,
And I stand in the shower
feeling my  throat close up
and my tears give away
and my identity build
into one afraid of men.
But I’ll remind you that
I am alive, and
will continue to fight my
way through this world
But not for you, no,
for me.
Anais Nov 2019
Bipolar love
sings dreams and
nightmares to me,
It coaxes me into
and paralyzes
me into sleep.

It becomes it,
because I fear it--
Becomes unspoken
and ignites an anger
so vulnerable I melt
into cursed tears.

It swallows me whole,
uses me and spits
me out~  empty is
how I feel,
I wonder,
Ever so often,
How it was I
drifted into this
endless sleep.

I faintly hear
a click,
like a bullet
leaving a pistol.
I wonder who it
Anais Apr 2020
And I watch the sunlight curl around my finger,
feel the wind on my cheek,
hear the waves falling on sand,
I sense it all,
the ocean on my tongue,
the sun in my eyes,
the wind on my skin,
I feel it like an embrace,
like it’s telling me to let go,
and just like that, I do
I might as well daydream I'm at the beach
Anais Jan 2020
I'm walking barefoot into a dark room,
No sight of what is to come,
No foresight into my destiny,

I walk barefoot into a dark room,
Knowing all too well that the windows
were sealed shut, that the curtains were
pulled down, that the room was never
meant to be opened.

Unleashed was a fear so great, I lost
the fear of the dark itself.
I'm but a shadow now, navigating
past shapeless figures, uncaring of
surroundings, but ambitionless in

I walked barefoot into a dark room,
knowing now that a room is not
built without windows, knowing that
curtains were meant to be opened,
knowing that doors were made to be

Alas, I'd walked into the room with
eyes closed. How foolish of me, for
I'd missed the fire surrounding me.
Anais Feb 2020
Fresh out of the shower,
with a towel hugging my skin,
I lay on my bed,
staring up at the ceiling,
Feeling as wet hair turns hard,
and skin becomes dry,
and somehow
everything in the world
seems to be okay
Anais Dec 2019
I found myself falling,
Spiralling out of control,
reaching for the melting stars,
tumbling into the unknown,
Signals fired,
The last scent of familiarity
fled, I looked back and saw
the blurry outline of my
comfort zone
Anais Nov 2019
On that cloud, I
float, feeling that
marvellous fluff
of cotton candy tickle
my cheek like any
child would remember,

On that cloud I watch
the changing moon
shine swiftly from
night to night, two
faced as always,
staring upon thy
glistening body with

On that cloud I
watch thy wings,
swimming in the sky
like any pegasus would
hope, alas,
to me, as I stare upon
you from the Rosen
skies, imperfections
seem nonexistent,
and I dream as any
adolescent would~~

I must, however,
release my bow
and watch your eyes
sparkle with love
towards another.
To love is my job,
to be loved, is my sin.
Anais Nov 2019
The twinkling stone
is what becomes most
desired~ A diamond,
a ring, a promise for

Rare a love that does not
encompass fears of solitude,
Oh, the drills of society!
How it drills and drills
and drills into us.
How it perfects us and makes
us unflawed~ us, women,
how thankful we should
be for a life in the selfless
Fear not, moments of
contained frenzy,
are left unheard~
For we live, trapped,
in an inescapable
Anais Nov 2019
I sail to a world
Created by my
and paint the waves
with images
of dolphins in
the sea

I sail upon those
seas, those wrapped
in cotton and dreams,
and seek the voyage
to the Bermuda Triangle,
to Atlantis, to the seas.

I sail in my ship,
Mighty and grey,
Find it decaying and
sinking away,
Find the seas becoming
charcoal, find the skies
melting away,
Find my innocence
ripped from my hands

I sail no more,
simply sulk behind
a desk, find my
childhood tucked
Find my ship sunken,
Find my dreamland
fading away.
Anais Jan 2020
Of Cloudless skies
and Beautiful nights,
Come starry dreams
and blithe lullabies,
Of magical dusks
and evening walks,
grow rosy cheeks
and ready lips,
Of stormy clouds
and angered mouths,
flourish bitter feuds
and maddened moods
Of wet grass
and birthed suns,
Age assuaged epiphanies
and craved symphonies
Of hour when light meets dark,
and moon meets sun,
when heaven meets earth
and cold meets warm,
I, here sat beyond my
hammock, am where
the time of dawn breaks
into that of dusk and
time becomes but a
visit into reality
Anais Nov 2019
Writing is
my escapism,
It's as if
I was a director
in a movie,
creating stories
with the flick of
a finger,
changing meaning
and stirring
emotions into
a beautiful mess
of felt daydreams
Erasing mistakes in
a matter of seconds,
feeling the
sense of mixed relief
and inspiration.

...But I can't live in
my stories.
Because alas,
everything in life
never lives up to
my expectations.
Anais Jul 2020
I think
I'm no longer scared of La Llorona
no longer afraid of vast forests
no longer terrified of the dark
no longer wary of dimmed staircases
I'm not a child anymore

so why does the shadow in my
closet feel so real?
Anais Feb 17
Like a fever dream
this feels
like staring into a blank screen
watching myself, of her behaving like me
but there is this sense of the missing
of the moments lost in empty white rooms
of insanity lingering in the back room
of a looming loneliness upheld by a sole
red candlelight,
Maybe its the constant loudness,
or the fog outside,
maybe its the distance from home,
maybe, just maybe,
I am losing my mind
I hate lockdown
Anais Dec 2019
Clashing waterfalls in the distance,
melting into glistening streams,
flowing into the vast seas of Poseidon,
falling down mysteries of the devil's triangle,
ignited by the scorching fires of Hades,
devoured ravounsly by three-headed dogs,
trapped in cycles of acidic torture,
escaping into the poisoned Styx,
Guiding screams into judgement day,
sailing past bolted, immortal doors,

Cleansing hatred from punished souls,
bidding farewell to the burning, grinning god,
finding solace in serene Oceania, scouring
the northern winds as liquid vapour,
pouring down into divine grass,
beginning again in the ashes
of Hyacinth.
Anais Mar 2020
I am exhausted of talking about love,
I find it everywhere, constantly,
So much so that I develop hate towards it,
But I don't hate it, I envy it,
No, I envy anyone who has it, yet
I am a hypocrite,
When I feel love, panic obscures it,
I run away due to inexperience,
I flee from it due to my insecurities,
I hope it goes away because my heart beats too fast,
Days later I feel it, regret,
It forms a lump in my throat and I begin again
the cycle of hypocritical love
Anais Dec 2019
i feel numb,
                           ­            o        
     ­                                                      g
                                                        ­    d  a  y  s    i n t o  a  w a s t e  
                                                            b­ i n, w r a p p i n g  p l a s t i c  
                                                            b­ a g s   i n  a  b o w, 
                                                            c­ o n c e a l i n g  t h e  u g l y  
                                                            w­ i t h  a n  e m p t y  s e a s h e l l,  
                                                            c h a n g i n g   t h e i r  l e n s e s 
                                                            f o r  d i s t o r t e d  g l a s s e s,
                                                            r o s e - c o l o u r e d  f o r  
                                                            s­ o c i e t y,    f e i n i g n i n g  
                                                            h­ a p p i n e s s  f o r  m i s e r y,
                                                            c l o s i n g  w a s t e  b i n s  f o r
                                                         f a m i l y,  s e a l i n g  t r a s h c h u t s
                                                          f o r  m y  a c t, b o l t i n g  d o o r s
                                                         f o r  m y  s a n i t y, w a s t i n g  
                                                           a  w  a  y  f o r  t h a t  v o i c e,   t
                                                               ­                                             h
                  ­                                                                 ­                  r
                                                                ­                             o
                                                                ­                   w
                                                                ­            i
                                                   ­                 n
                                              ­             g  
                                                   ­        l i f e   a w a y   f o r  s i m p l e
                                                           c o w a r d i c e        
                                                       ­    i  f e e l  n u m b
Anais Nov 2019
It's cold outside,
The wind hurling,
Crying out in pain,
I'm waiting,
Just for you,
Below this mistletoe,
in front of this fire,
Beneath our favourite room,
Come home to me,
because I need you,
and it's cold outside,
and I can't seem to
get warm despite the
flaming fire. Come home.
Please. Don't leave
Anais Apr 2020
I wrote your name on paper,
Spent nights on phone calls and texts,
filled daydreams and dreams with
distorted memories of you,
Justified your distance with work,
Reasoned your temper with life,
Defended your insults with pride,
Because you were perfect for me,
But it only took a second, a nanosecond,
a Picosecond, for you to throw me away.

Just like that.

It wasn’t me, you said,
And you were right.
It was you.
It's difficult to leave a toxic relationship, but you'll thank yourself later.
Anais Dec 2019
Jealousy lives inside my mind,
Scatters and shatters and spreads
and adores those shiny pink glasses,
cracked, broken, crushed, they emulate
that distorted figure in the mirror
Jealousy looks at me, I look back,
and I find the fat still there,
and I avoid my toxic mental health,
just to believe I'm okay...
Anais Dec 2020
Just eat
Just eat and you'll be cured
Eat and the voice will stop
Eat and you won't look at the fat anymore
Eat and you won't think of the imperfections
Eat and you'll be happy
You will pretend nothing ever happened
You won't think of the tears
or the exhaustion or the anger
That's what they told me,
Just eat and it'll be okay
How funny it is,
to believe in ignorance,
in those who think they know,
without experience
the voice never stopped
Anais Nov 2019
To flick your hand
and receive it all,
A dream of many,
Often embraced with
greed, often resulting
in karma.
Anais Nov 2019
I shudder
to think
there's no

What if
there is?
It feels
to believe
death's door
make us

I can't imagine
not feeling.
Anais Mar 8
perhaps i linger in the perhaps
perhaps i shouldn’t
a limbo in which i await
full of disastrous wonder
a beautiful sense of denial
perhaps i linger in the perhaps
the perhaps of us
the knowing of no hope
of no trust
but perhaps
it could happen
just maybe one day
I will stop lingering
in the perhaps of us
Anais May 2020
I feel alone
I feel it on my skin
like my body knows
of the empty promises
and the hopelessness echoed
by my thoughts

I've been wondering
whether you feel that too
But then again,
your body needs a heart
to feel anything at all
Anais Nov 2019
I have a fascination with
all things love,
Daydreams constructing expectations
and a daily need for a thing which
I have yet to experience,
It's an obsession which has
evolved into a fear ~
Fear of a broken heart,
of a lonely life,
of distracted dreams.

~ Funny my ability to
Anais Dec 2019
The melody pulls me in,
Tugs at my soul sensually,
and I feel the pain of the
voice break walls surrounding
my heart, slowly, music
opens my vulnerability,
and I am on full display,
An aura of serenity
heals my aura
Anais Aug 2020
I tweaked my body
Synched in my waist
Slimmed down my thighs
Burned the fat around my arms
Cut the fat on my tummy
Added artificial eyelashes
Melted the fat from my face
Injected my lips with chemicals
I need fair skin and a thigh gap and bigger ***** and a thicker *** and alluring eyes and longer hair
my eyes aren’t bright
my smile lacks happiness
my mind reeks of toxicity
my emotional state is unstable
my diet is empty
my eyes are tired
my body is dying away
it seems,
all the acting, the pretending, the imitating
wasn't enough
in the eyes of our broken society
Anais Jan 2020
And I, my heart so bitterly was broken,

by the lifeless branches of a tree long rotten,

And the winds did come from the east,

And the sun did shine upon that horizon,

And the moon did reveal itself from the opaque

skies and my heart has taken needle and string,

and sown its pieces from shreds,

And there I am, beneath the cruel moonlight,

beneath your taunting gaze, reminding

my ameliorate heart from the dreams stolen,

for I've been lost as a muse and have been found

a woman, in this deceiving maze I stand, from this

cowardly maze I escape.
Anais Feb 2020
I don't love you anymore

do you?
or has your heart found another?
no, it doesn't matter
time has healed me

know that I don't care
no matter what my eyes say
or how worried my friends are
why even ask?

why waste your time?
how are you?
oh, a new girlfriend?

i'm happy for you, really

another time I'll visit
my heart isn't breaking

worry not
i'm okay, truly
time has healed me.
happiness has found me
of course, you didn't hurt me
undoing the past won't fix me
time has healed me, I know it did to you

yet, you never asked me anything
optimistically imagining years of closure-less living
u shattered my heart and never bothered to buy the glue
Anais May 2020
It’s the way my body looks in a mirror
my nose not small, not perfect
stretch marks splattered on my stomach
hips wide, fat on my tummy,
eyes not big, but brown and small,
Eyelashes short and lacking fullness
Never meant to be an Aphrodite

But it hurts more when I look at myself
not in a mirror, not in a photograph,
but more at my mind
the way it fills with anxious thoughts at the sight of men,
the way it constructs doubts and insecurities when I talk,

I’m an open book
But my pages are tinted with messy handwriting and crumbled parchment,
My words are muddled and chaotic and filled with every need to make myself a better person,

When I look into that mirror,
propped on a white wall,
I don’t see potential,
I see a flawed girl
trying always to be anything but herself
Anais Mar 2020
I was purchased for beauty,
An orchid instead of a sunflower,
For pure and timid beauty is a natural beauty,
And I, stocked in that kitchen, let eyes linger,
I let fingers graze my petals, until alas,
I was worn out, my petals fell,
turned brown and crumbly and ugly,
so no more eyes lingered, no more fingers
grazed, no more beauty kept,
My stem fell, dried by the aimless
torture of pointless living,
Irrigated only for show, only
for maintenance of beauty, yet
my core was already rotten,
already old, already exhausted,
I was discarded without a second
glance, my petals gone,
my stem, broken and I, gone.
A last hurrah for the life
never lived.
Anais Dec 2019
In a poem,
I can touch clouds with my fingers,
I can blow blizzards into a halt,
I can whisper winds into the distance.

In a poem,
I feel more myself than I tend to be,
I can be honest, without feeling guilt,
I can confess my love, without him knowing.

In a poem,
I can feel emotions I do not feel,
Imagine stories I do not live,
Be characters I wish I could be.

In a poem,
I can do everything
Anais Nov 2019
Put on a mask
Feel your lips tugging
Force a smile,
Because they're watching
Wait until midnight--
Hide behind walls,
close the curtains,
Let the tears fall,
Pretend you're watching
a sad film,
Pretend for the sake
of your parents,
For the sake of your social
Pretend for yourself, or else
you'll realize, just how unhappy
you truly are.
Anais Nov 2019
It's like riding a rollercoaster,
That feeling of nervous fear
from the unknown,
But it isn't like a rollercoaster,
because you know what
to expect.
I never do, unless I think I do,
In which case I entitle myself
a fool~ a foolish fool,
who suffers from destroyed
optimism after each spark
of hope.
Anais Feb 2020
I feel soil in the pit of my stomach,
A seed planted without permission,
With no sun to grow, no water to drink,
I feel it rotting inside of me,
That flower, never grown, wastes away,
I feel it move and tug at my veins,
Pleading for water and sunlight,
But I must tell it to be quiet,
To be silent because he listens,
I tell my little flower to hold his cries,
because beyond those closet doors,
I sense his looming figure,
I sense it with every bit of me,
But it moves and tears me inside,
and I lust over a single tear, a single scream,
But I can't. I shiver. Breathe through my hand,
and curl into a ball, too afraid that my fear
will echo. I hush. I tremble. I bite my tongue.
Iron in my mouth, my throat closes, my
stomach bursts, I smell soil, my picture
now on a milk carton,
Not in my grave am I found
Anais Feb 2020
I build rules in my mind,
Fasten a chain around my
heart to stop it from beating
when I see you,
I will myself to stop,
tell myself to stop thinking,
But the mere sound of your name
breaks chains, and I stop
thinking, I break my rules,
I do it all for only a glance of you
See how it rolls off my tongue?
So easily,
I wonder whether
your chains will break too.
Anais Jul 2020
I plan every argument and confession in my head
fantasize about every fleeting crush, every job interview, every friend
I seem to get everything wrong

They say
be the protagonist
but I've never been popular
never been someone to admire
I've just been me
a side-character
an ignored friend
someone to push around, make fun of,
someone who is indisputably lost in their friend's story

That's me now
it won't be me forever
Anais Dec 2019
Wrapped in that familiar
blanket, I spend my days
behind layers of silk,
and I see that darkness
enveloped by that lust
and I want the dreams
without the means,
I want the life of
easy and simple,
I want love without
the drama, I want the
passion without the
pain, but I am still
wrapped up in that
silky blanket,

I lay
beneath layers of uneven silk,
find myself drifting into
my dreams every now
and again, unable to
distinguish fantasy from
reality, unable to tell it
all apart, because I
realize now, that those
layers of silk,
hide layers of insecurities

I'm stuck in a body
I'd rather hide
than show, I
conceal my personality with
fear, I starve myself for
distorted beauty standards,
and I hate it
so much that I mistake
my pain for obligation,

I cut               the layers
apart,                                  see the avalanche
ripping                                               my comfort to shreds,
stitch it together
when life gets

Anais Feb 2020
I’ve been planted
with sunflower seeds,
been irrigated once a day
with condition of conceived forecast,
been left under the sun to grow and burn,
So I grew and bloomed and blossomed and flowered
and opened my ****** petals for the hungry hornet to see,
I felt the sting and the slit and the pain and the *****,
My pistil now empty, I ached and wept
for the hornet fluttered and flew and travelled,
pollen on his lips, I wept and shattered,
I birthed a daughter, beautiful and tall,
but I dwindled and shrunk and weakened and waned,
felt fingers on my stem, pulling and plucking,
Petals depleted, dried and drained,
wasted away, a hornet on its way
I felt inspired today. The kind of inspired I haven't felt in a while.
Anais Nov 2019
tell me you love me,

for i feel love withering away,

as if i'd held no worth in your heart,

you discarded me,

threw me into a dust bin of

conquests, held your posture

while mine melted into


Tell me you love me,

because i've given it all to you,

gave you my heart and kept none

of it for myself,

you've returned it to me in

in fragments~ in an old postcard

I'd tried to make of it stained glass,

but no glue can repair it.

Tell me you love me,

because without you,

I feel the desperation crawling

in my throat and

I gasp

Gasp for the air you've stolen,

Gasp because I hadn't exhaled,

Gasped because i'd forgotten

I could breathe.

Tell me you hate me,

because I did,

And you did me ever so wrong,

and the hatred you'd feel would

give me the least bit of reassurances

that even an inch of you misses

the touch of my body upon yours.

Tell me to heal~

I whisper alone,

and I do.
Anais Nov 2019
He explored me,
His ****** tongue guiding
Lustful romance
Into the empty
Crevices of my
Anais Dec 2020
Gone yet here
with little proof
of existence, of the
warmth breathed out,
of the honeyed words
left beyond demand
Gone they are
but always
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