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1.6k · Nov 2019
Love
Anais Nov 2019
I have a fascination with
all things love,
Daydreams constructing expectations
and a daily need for a thing which
I have yet to experience,
It's an obsession which has
evolved into a fear ~
Fear of a broken heart,
of a lonely life,
of distracted dreams.

~ Funny my ability to
overthink.
541 · Dec 2019
i feel numb
Anais Dec 2019
i feel numb,
                        T
                             h
                                  r
                           ­            o        
                                             w
                                                 i
                                                        n
     ­                                                      g
                                                                ­        
                                                        ­    d  a  y  s    i n t o  a  w a s t e  
                                                            b­ i n, w r a p p i n g  p l a s t i c  
                                                            b­ a g s   i n  a  b o w, 
                                                            c­ o n c e a l i n g  t h e  u g l y  
                                                            w­ i t h  a n  e m p t y  s e a s h e l l,  
                                                            c h a n g i n g   t h e i r  l e n s e s 
                                                            f o r  d i s t o r t e d  g l a s s e s,
                                                            r o s e - c o l o u r e d  f o r  
                                                            s­ o c i e t y,    f e i n i g n i n g  
                                                            h­ a p p i n e s s  f o r  m i s e r y,
                                                            c l o s i n g  w a s t e  b i n s  f o r
                                                         f a m i l y,  s e a l i n g  t r a s h c h u t s
                                                          f o r  m y  a c t, b o l t i n g  d o o r s
                                                         f o r  m y  s a n i t y, w a s t i n g  
                                                           a  w  a  y  f o r  t h a t  v o i c e,   t
                                                               ­                                             h
                  ­                                                                 ­                  r
                                                                ­                             o
                                                                ­                   w
                                                                ­            i
                                                   ­                 n
                                              ­             g  
                                                             ­             
                                                   ­        l i f e   a w a y   f o r  s i m p l e
                                                           c o w a r d i c e        
                                                       ­    i  f e e l  n u m b
374 · Nov 2019
pretending
Anais Nov 2019
Put on a mask
Feel your lips tugging
d
   o
     w
        n
Force a smile,
Because they're watching
Wait until midnight--
Hide behind walls,
close the curtains,
Let the tears fall,
Pretend you're watching
a sad film,
Pretend for the sake
of your parents,
For the sake of your social
life.
Pretend for yourself, or else
you'll realize, just how unhappy
you truly are.
246 · Nov 2019
Escapism
Anais Nov 2019
Writing is
my escapism,
It's as if
I was a director
in a movie,
creating stories
with the flick of
a finger,
changing meaning
and stirring
emotions into
a beautiful mess
of felt daydreams
Erasing mistakes in
a matter of seconds,
feeling the
sense of mixed relief
and inspiration.

...But I can't live in
my stories.
Because alas,
everything in life
never lives up to
my expectations.
246 · Feb 7
Sunflower
Anais Feb 7
I’ve been planted
with sunflower seeds,
been irrigated once a day
with condition of conceived forecast,
been left under the sun to grow and burn,
So I grew and bloomed and blossomed and flowered
and opened my ****** petals for the hungry hornet to see,
I felt the sting and the slit and the pain and the *****,
My pistil now empty, I ached and wept
for the hornet fluttered and flew and travelled,
pollen on his lips, I wept and shattered,
I birthed a daughter, beautiful and tall,
but I dwindled and shrunk and weakened and waned,
felt fingers on my stem, pulling and plucking,
Petals depleted, dried and drained,
wasted away, a hornet on its way
I felt inspired today. The kind of inspired I haven't felt in a while.
237 · Dec 2019
Tired
Anais Dec 2019
I'm tired, constantly,
physically, mentally,
in all regards, a blob
of exhaustion repeating
day after day the same
words, moving the
same way, lacking
the common thrill of living,
'I'm tired' we say, and fail
to notice the vast sea left
undiscovered.
192 · Dec 2019
Music
Anais Dec 2019
The melody pulls me in,
Tugs at my soul sensually,
and I feel the pain of the
voice break walls surrounding
my heart, slowly, music
opens my vulnerability,
and I am on full display,
An aura of serenity
heals my aura
176 · Nov 2019
Dreamland
Anais Nov 2019
I sail to a world
Created by my
dreams
and paint the waves
with images
of dolphins in
the sea

I sail upon those
seas, those wrapped
in cotton and dreams,
and seek the voyage
to the Bermuda Triangle,
to Atlantis, to the seas.

I sail in my ship,
Mighty and grey,
Find it decaying and
sinking away,
Find the seas becoming
charcoal, find the skies
melting away,
Find my innocence
ripped from my hands

I sail no more,
simply sulk behind
a desk, find my
childhood tucked
away,
Find my ship sunken,
Find my dreamland
fading away.
157 · Nov 2019
Wish Upon a Star
Anais Nov 2019
My heart beats in a frenzy,
Uncontrolled and clinging to
fleeting pride,
I wish upon a star,
to give me confidence,
to give me assuredness,
for I feel it has never been
felt before~ Truly, in a way
my pride is not corrupted
by narcissism.

Because deeply,
As my lungs soak in
air and my head spins
irrationally,
I feel how sanity
seeps out of me.

I am left with
a pit of empty
aspirations.
117 · Dec 2019
Hyacinth
Anais Dec 2019
Clashing waterfalls in the distance,
melting into glistening streams,
flowing into the vast seas of Poseidon,
falling down mysteries of the devil's triangle,
ignited by the scorching fires of Hades,
devoured ravounsly by three-headed dogs,
trapped in cycles of acidic torture,
escaping into the poisoned Styx,
Guiding screams into judgement day,
sailing past bolted, immortal doors,

Cleansing hatred from punished souls,
bidding farewell to the burning, grinning god,
finding solace in serene Oceania, scouring
the northern winds as liquid vapour,
pouring down into divine grass,
beginning again in the ashes
of Hyacinth.
102 · Nov 2019
A Pas de Deux
Anais Nov 2019
Sharp turns,

Bright smile,

Pointed feet,

Beautiful face,

Tall posture,

Straight arms,

Technique.



"It's all about the technique."

They said.

Constantly. Screams in my

ear.

Doubts of skill,

of capabilities.



"Hair up, watch the posture!"

Whispers in the corner.

Judges, teachers,

watching my every skin.

Old shoes,

grey in colour,

worn-out,

exhausted.

Two injuries to the leg,

A forced smile,

A lust for sunsets.



Wrapped the shoes in

bandages.

Enough,

for the grand

finale.



Carried by the wind,

two strong arms, brown in

colour, defined.

Up, and up I go.

Look up, chin up, fingers up.

Like an angel.

"Move the hands sharply.

With the music.

Relaxed, yet strong."

Down I go, back to the chest.

A face, two eyes, brown lips.

Tall posture, hands meet,

Pirouettes, Assemblé, Plié.

Stop.

Turn to look,

fall in love.

Grande Jeté. Tour en l'air.

A Pas de deux. In perfect sync.

He looks past me. Past my eyes,

past my soul.



I stare at him. Directly. Entering his

very orbit. Exploring the chocolate of

his orbs.

Relishing his scent, the drops of sweat

dripping from his brow.

Back down I fall.

A final Panché.

Staring up, leaning

towards him.

Him. Staring at another.

In a closet, while I,

savour the bitterness

of a Pas de deux.
Hi
97 · Nov 2019
Bullet
Anais Nov 2019
Bipolar love
sings dreams and
nightmares to me,
It coaxes me into
awakeness,
and paralyzes
me into sleep.

It becomes it,
because I fear it--
Becomes unspoken
and ignites an anger
so vulnerable I melt
into cursed tears.

It swallows me whole,
uses me and spits
me out~  empty is
how I feel,
I wonder,
Ever so often,
How it was I
drifted into this
endless sleep.

I faintly hear
a click,
like a bullet
leaving a pistol.
I wonder who it
hit.
95 · Nov 2019
Cupid
Anais Nov 2019
On that cloud, I
float, feeling that
marvellous fluff
of cotton candy tickle
my cheek like any
child would remember,

On that cloud I watch
the changing moon
shine swiftly from
night to night, two
faced as always,
staring upon thy
glistening body with
fascination.

On that cloud I
watch thy wings,
swimming in the sky
like any pegasus would
hope, alas,
to me, as I stare upon
you from the Rosen
skies, imperfections
seem nonexistent,
and I dream as any
adolescent would~~

I must, however,
release my bow
and watch your eyes
sparkle with love
towards another.
To love is my job,
to be loved, is my sin.
89 · Nov 2019
Life after Death
Anais Nov 2019
I shudder
to think
there's no
life
after
death

What if
there is?
It feels
narcissistic
to believe
opening
death's door
won't
make us
plain
nothingness~

I can't imagine
not feeling.
85 · Nov 2019
Diamonds
Anais Nov 2019
The twinkling stone
is what becomes most
desired~ A diamond,
a ring, a promise for
eternity~

Rare a love that does not
encompass fears of solitude,
Oh, the drills of society!
How it drills and drills
and drills into us.
How it perfects us and makes
us unflawed~ us, women,
how thankful we should
be for a life in the selfless
abyss.
Fear not, moments of
contained frenzy,
are left unheard~
For we live, trapped,
in an inescapable
labyrinth.
76 · Jan 26
Needle and String
Anais Jan 26
And I, my heart so bitterly was broken,

by the lifeless branches of a tree long rotten,

And the winds did come from the east,

And the sun did shine upon that horizon,

And the moon did reveal itself from the opaque

skies and my heart has taken needle and string,

and sown its pieces from shreds,

And there I am, beneath the cruel moonlight,

beneath your taunting gaze, reminding

my ameliorate heart from the dreams stolen,

for I've been lost as a muse and have been found

a woman, in this deceiving maze I stand, from this

cowardly maze I escape.
71 · Nov 2019
Untitled
Anais Nov 2019
Is it desperate to
hope someone
is looking at
you?
68 · Nov 2019
Us two
Anais Nov 2019
Sat on a red, old couch,
us two, drinking from
steaming hot chocolates,
one leg over another,
mocking characters from
films, attempting to look
another way, stealing
glimpses at ready lips,
Pretending hearts aren't
jumping out of chests,
pretending cheeks haven't
grown aflame, snuggling
closer, breathing them in,
exhaling nervously,
Desiring skin to meet,
Leaning closer
Closing the distance
67 · Dec 2019
comfort zone
Anais Dec 2019
I found myself falling,
Spiralling out of control,
reaching for the melting stars,
tumbling into the unknown,
Signals fired,
The last scent of familiarity
fled, I looked back and saw
the blurry outline of my
comfort zone
66 · Nov 2019
Temporary Bliss
Anais Nov 2019
He explored me,
Roughly,
His ****** tongue guiding
Lustful romance
Into the empty
Crevices of my
Heart.
63 · 5d
Rotting Flower
Anais 5d
I feel soil in the pit of my stomach,
A seed planted without permission,
With no sun to grow, no water to drink,
I feel it rotting inside of me,
That flower, never grown, wastes away,
I feel it move and tug at my veins,
Pleading for water and sunlight,
But I must tell it to be quiet,
To be silent because he listens,
I tell my little flower to hold his cries,
because beyond those closet doors,
I sense his looming figure,
I sense it with every bit of me,
But it moves and tears me inside,
and I lust over a single tear, a single scream,
But I can't. I shiver. Breathe through my hand,
and curl into a ball, too afraid that my fear
will echo. I hush. I tremble. I bite my tongue.
Iron in my mouth, my throat closes, my
stomach bursts, I smell soil, my picture
now on a milk carton,
Not in my grave am I found
61 · Nov 2019
Rollercoaster
Anais Nov 2019
It's like riding a rollercoaster,
That feeling of nervous fear
from the unknown,
But it isn't like a rollercoaster,
because you know what
to expect.
I never do, unless I think I do,
In which case I entitle myself
a fool~ a foolish fool,
who suffers from destroyed
optimism after each spark
of hope.
56 · Nov 2019
Tell me you love me
Anais Nov 2019
tell me you love me,

for i feel love withering away,

as if i'd held no worth in your heart,

you discarded me,

threw me into a dust bin of

conquests, held your posture

while mine melted into

woe.



Tell me you love me,

because i've given it all to you,

gave you my heart and kept none

of it for myself,

you've returned it to me in

in fragments~ in an old postcard

I'd tried to make of it stained glass,

but no glue can repair it.



Tell me you love me,

because without you,

I feel the desperation crawling

in my throat and

I gasp

Gasp for the air you've stolen,

Gasp because I hadn't exhaled,

Gasped because i'd forgotten

I could breathe.



Tell me you hate me,

because I did,

And you did me ever so wrong,

and the hatred you'd feel would

give me the least bit of reassurances

that even an inch of you misses

the touch of my body upon yours.



Tell me to heal~

I whisper alone,

and I do.
46 · Nov 2019
Karma
Anais Nov 2019
To flick your hand
and receive it all,
A dream of many,
Often embraced with
greed, often resulting
in karma.
44 · Dec 2019
Poems
Anais Dec 2019
In a poem,
I can touch clouds with my fingers,
I can blow blizzards into a halt,
I can whisper winds into the distance.

In a poem,
I feel more myself than I tend to be,
I can be honest, without feeling guilt,
I can confess my love, without him knowing.

In a poem,
I can feel emotions I do not feel,
Imagine stories I do not live,
Be characters I wish I could be.

In a poem,
I can do everything
42 · Jan 29
a moment of weakness
Anais Jan 29
I feel broken and damaged and weak,
All the while so utterly lost,
Because I have something so close to
my grasp that I smile, and I feel that
genuine happiness,
only to have it
ripped from the grasp I never had.
Alas, what is the point of hope
when it is destined to tear you down?
What is the point of passion,
when a single word can burn it away?
What is the point to live,
when your life is but a math
problem never meant to be solved?
What is the point of it all,
when all I feel is pure fear?
Life can **** sometimes.
41 · Dec 2019
Jealousy
Anais Dec 2019
Jealousy lives inside my mind,
Scatters and shatters and spreads
and adores those shiny pink glasses,
cracked, broken, crushed, they emulate
that distorted figure in the mirror
Jealousy looks at me, I look back,
and I find the fat still there,
and I avoid my toxic mental health,
just to believe I'm okay...
39 · Nov 2019
It's Cold Outside
Anais Nov 2019
It's cold outside,
The wind hurling,
Crying out in pain,
I'm waiting,
Just for you,
Below this mistletoe,
in front of this fire,
Beneath our favourite room,
Come home to me,
because I need you,
and it's cold outside,
and I can't seem to
get warm despite the
flaming fire. Come home.
Please. Don't leave
me.
Anais Jan 28
I'm walking barefoot into a dark room,
No sight of what is to come,
No foresight into my destiny,

I walk barefoot into a dark room,
Knowing all too well that the windows
were sealed shut, that the curtains were
pulled down, that the room was never
meant to be opened.

Unleashed was a fear so great, I lost
the fear of the dark itself.
I'm but a shadow now, navigating
past shapeless figures, uncaring of
surroundings, but ambitionless in
motion

I walked barefoot into a dark room,
knowing now that a room is not
built without windows, knowing that
curtains were meant to be opened,
knowing that doors were made to be
unlocked.

Alas, I'd walked into the room with
eyes closed. How foolish of me, for
I'd missed the fire surrounding me.
38 · Nov 2019
Ambivalent
Anais Nov 2019
Evanescent
were my thoughts,
Until the sight of
you became manifested
in my daydreams,
And I find myself
ambivalent~
thinking unrequited
love renders me
unwilling to let go,
but knowing,
with miserable rumination,
that the heart only
mends what is
accepted.
Anais Feb 15
I don't love you anymore

do you?
or has your heart found another?
no, it doesn't matter
time has healed me

know that I don't care
no matter what my eyes say
or how worried my friends are
why even ask?

why waste your time?
how are you?
oh, a new girlfriend?

i'm happy for you, really

another time I'll visit
my heart isn't breaking

worry not
i'm okay, truly
time has healed me.
happiness has found me
of course, you didn't hurt me
undoing the past won't fix me
time has healed me, I know it did to you

yet, you never asked me anything
optimistically imagining years of closure-less living
u shattered my heart and never bothered to buy the glue
36 · Dec 2019
Silk Layers
Anais Dec 2019
Wrapped in that familiar
blanket, I spend my days
behind layers of silk,
and I see that darkness
enveloped by that lust
and I want the dreams
without the means,
I want the life of
easy and simple,
I want love without
the drama, I want the
passion without the
pain, but I am still
wrapped up in that
silky blanket,

I lay
beneath layers of uneven silk,
find myself drifting into
my dreams every now
and again, unable to
distinguish fantasy from
reality, unable to tell it
all apart, because I
realize now, that those
layers of silk,
hide layers of insecurities

I'm stuck in a body
I'd rather hide
than show, I
conceal my personality with
fear, I starve myself for
distorted beauty standards,
and I hate it
so much that I mistake
my pain for obligation,

so
I cut               the layers
apart,                                  see the avalanche
ripping                                               my comfort to shreds,
stitch it together
when life gets
hard,


Burn
it
to
ash
now
because
I've
learned
how
to
live
and
leave
the
silk
layers
behind
36 · Feb 6
Comfortable Ease
Anais Feb 6
Fresh out of the shower,
with a towel hugging your skin,
You lay on your bed,
staring up at the ceiling,
Feeling as wet hair turns hard,
and skin becomes dry,
and somehow
everything in the world
seems to be okay
35 · Jan 30
Dusk meets Dawn
Anais Jan 30
Of Cloudless skies
and Beautiful nights,
Come starry dreams
and blithe lullabies,
Of magical dusks
and evening walks,
grow rosy cheeks
and ready lips,
Of stormy clouds
and angered mouths,
flourish bitter feuds
and maddened moods
Of wet grass
and birthed suns,
Age assuaged epiphanies
and craved symphonies
Of hour when light meets dark,
and moon meets sun,
when heaven meets earth
and cold meets warm,
I, here sat beyond my
hammock, am where
the time of dawn breaks
into that of dusk and
time becomes but a
visit into reality
35 · Nov 2019
Bitter-Sweet Memories
Anais Nov 2019
He'd called
Endlessly
Hoping for a
Response
Hoping for
That tension
That beautiful
Tension.

But alas,
Butterfly wings
Had long been
clipped.
Awaiting a lust
Greater than
Fantasy

She sat there,
Hoping for that
Friend
But thoughts were
littered
Chaotically,
Satisfying bitter
indecision
With unrequited
love.

It cracked
Then.
In three insignificant
Seconds,
He broke
Melted into the
Stone cold
Reality,
Hid away under
Tear-stained
Sheets,
Day in
Day out,
Until tissues
Filled those
Cracks,
Until winter
Collided with
Summer,
Until friendship
Bloomed into
Acquaintance,
Until butterflies
Slowly
Awakened.

Until it all
Simply
Faded into
A bitter-sweet
Memory
30 · Nov 2019
Ancestors
Anais Nov 2019
Upon that
willow tree
I find my
ancestors
carved in;
It was
tranquil,
Wind
interlocking
with strands
of my brown hair,
I whisper
nonsense,
hoping my
hellos
receive replies
from souls
long passed
I hate high school.
27 · Feb 3
Broken Heart
Anais Feb 3
I look everywhere, and
everywhere I see you
You, you, you,
reminding me of what
I don’t have and
what you do.
Because I gave you every
inch of myself, and you
gave me a dream you
could never live up to.
And you laugh, with your friends,
about the girl you’ve deceived,
And I stand in the shower
feeling my  throat close up
and my tears give away
and my identity build
into one afraid of men.
But I’ll remind you that
I am alive, and
will continue to fight my
way through this world
But not for you, no,
for me.
27 · Nov 2019
You
Anais Nov 2019
You
Ragged,
Your breath
intermingling
with mine,
Lips barely touching,
sparks flying between
us, inching closer,
fingers touching
just barely,
awaiting
that desperate
tension,
Hot breath
on my neck,
Shivers on my spine,
goosebumps on my neck
Heat on my cheeks
I  hide my smile,
We kiss, gently,
laughter in our
throats, bliss in
our minds,
ecstasy on our
tongues,
we dance.

— The End —