it would seem
that i am at war with myself
half of me wants to leave you behind
the other half knows that isn't quite right
because I don't want to be someone
who walks away too easily
i am a fighter
but half of me is defeated
say something i'm giving up on you
but i won't give up on us
who would i be if i left when
times got rough?
it just feels like i have a lot of love
and i'm not sure it's worth it
not that you're not worth it
but maybe i'm not
not worth
a second
of your time.

and for once; she said:

"I can breathe.”

and darling; it was all because of you.

                                       Alysia Marie 2016 ©

Come sew buttons into my eyes, and allow me to believe all of your lies.
For the beauty of love shall seep deep within; even if perception is fogged by your sins.

                                     Alysia Marie 2014 ©

The devils foot soldier;
That's what you turned to be.
The one I thought that I could trust;
Confuses my memory.
You water the flower to feed the roots;
Thus only to pluck the petals.
It reminds me of how strong you are;
Strong like crimson metal.

But that metal rusts, and the flower dies after you've shed them limb by limb.
Stripping them down to their naked cores;
And exposing their deadly sins.

We're all like flowers, but don't water the roots if you'll only pluck our petals.
It'll show the ugly truth inside;
Like rusted crimson metal.

                                        Alysia Marie 2015 ©

Inside of your mind and body
A numbing occurs
You feel shallow

So shallow

Like a lowering tide
As if the oceans will dry up
Forcing you and the fish to choke on air

But at least you'll have something in common

                                        Alysia Marie 2014 ©

I’m sick
And I’m tired
I’m eating my words
As they dance on my tongue
Making me squirm as they turn
Oh I’m biting
I’m chewing
Simply swallowing my pride
For I can’t say how I feel
No matter how hard I’ve tried
For they pin me
They ***** me
Puncturing my mind
As I sit here and silence
Muted like a mime
I can’t say it
I fear it
The version that you’ll see
If I emit all of these feelings
My caged memories
For they haunt me
They taunt me
Like a stained porcelain tub
You can’t rid it of residue
No matter how hard you scrub
That’s my mind
They’re my eyes
Tinted a light shade of blue
As eroded as these beaches
I’m drowning from you
Your fingers
They’ve grabbed me
Now bruising my soul
How can one escape from your grasp-
I just long to feel whole
For it was physical
Now emotional
Unsure which one is worse
See these flashbacks you’ve gifted me
Were your most vicious curse


                               Alysia Marie 2018 ©

today my name
is just another reminder
that my father never cared
Alysia spelled a l y s i  a
or in some cases ayslia
the name my father gave me yet
he cannot seem to get it right
but when you're on ****
it's hard to get anything right
my name is shrouded in dark shadows
it tastes bitter in my mouth
just another reminder of
my father's failure
it sounds like the car that crashed into my heart  the day I recognized my father's absence
my name is Alysia spelled alysia
or aylisa depending on his state of mind

How beautiful it is

to have been released from those chains

that you’ve constricted my heart with

For all of those years

                               Alysia Marie 2018 ©

i was born under
a pennsylvania moon                
in the middle of jericho.

where all the walls
had decided
they were done
being womb                              
and crumbled to the blow
of winter winds.

i was whisked out of
from my cocoon
too soon                                  
and spent weeks
piped to feed and breath
for me.

the moment
they let me out                          
i moved back forth.

i have been hopscotching
from city to city
since 06
and thus have forgotten
how to play dominoes.
or cards or do puzzles
or anything done sitting still
because the rhythm                                
of my life
doesn't allow me
to squat for too much
longer than the linger
of my scent cross these sheets
so i've learned
to sink in deep while i can

place my print in
these pillow tops
before the moon drops              
and its moving day again.

i find it hard
to be me sometimes.
too busy trying                          
be a resident.

sometimes i pretend
im a committed writer
but come on,
****** spend more time
trying to pair their                      
tops and shoes
then i do
scraping these wounds
over screens
letting ink bleed.

i'm just not
consistent enough                  
to hold a title.

i'm only a student
til the summer
so don't try and teach
me in july.
there are summer sins                
that i wont even
begin to learn from
til autumn starts to
reek of jansports
and gym clothes.

i'm only the baby
on holidays.
only hear from all
3 sisters when courtesy            
twists our wrists
and force fingers
to remember phone numbers
filed under family.

so i cant believe
when ****** still
text me good mornings.
there's been so many
since we've last talked            
and the last time
we walked the same grounds
i switched my route
and pretended
i didn't see you.

ashamed i let you
think there was
room in my inconsistency.
should've warned you
not to bring your pillow          
cause there's little
chance ill still
like you in the morning.

those sunrises can be            
so haunting.

when the sun
is so low
its shape is tombstone          
how could i not
bring up those bones
in my closet?

i cant answer your call
today because                      
we were never meant
to last past 24 hours.

that's like two fireflies
trying to keep                        
their glow past dawn.
don't you find it pointless?

i have learned
to harvest as much as i can
before the season ends        
and the infatuation                          
turns to wrinkles
and withers.

alysia once said
poets love love
because love is life
and we're
afraid of death
so we create                      
between where we
are and were
and where we were going
but i am here.

standing in a shower
trying to scrape
these postage stamps
off my corners                  
cause cargo holds
haven't been
all that good to me.

i've been packaged
and stamped and
boxed and shipped me    
more times than i'll admit
because honesty
doesn't drip off your lips
as easily as blood
when you hit maturity
and are taught
to bite your tongue.

the only roots i have
were sowed                  
in my convictions      
so i'm destined to roam
everywhere except
in my faith.

my sister knows
of my wishes
to never have to wilt        
beneath mahogany.
i want to be cremated
when i die.
i want to be fire fly.
bathed in the bright
of a thousand fireflies
in a daytime thunderstorm
to make up for lost time.

but don't
scatter my remains.
sit me in a vase
on the end
of your mantle            
with a candle
and ill pray
for you're stability
for all the days
i spent in transit.

after living all those years
in solidarity                    
with the wind
i'd at least like to
spend my sleep
in one spot.

Stay beautiful;
Be blissful,
And if your soul does not agree;
Then darling run.
Run far, far away.

                                        Alysia Marie 2014 ©

I wonder if I'll ever forget that feeling,
That loss;
And all of this uncertainty.

I wish I could just pack up these memories and emotions and just throw them out the window and watch them soar into the sky.

I just want to be able to breath,
But even breathing becomes hard when the flashbacks do nothing but choke me alive.

                                       Alysia Marie 2015 ©

“..And just like that,
Emotions shifted faster than the changing seasons-
Undoubtedly as the leaves did on my favorite tree,
I seemed to be falling-
Falling a little bit more in love with you during each passing day,
But unlike the trees and the seasons-
I don’t see an end to this decent...”


                                  Alysia Marie 2018 ©

I'm sorry
if you think the way I'm acting towards you
is unjust
after your fingertips scaled her body
like it was the highest
most beautiful
mountain in the world

                                       Alysia Marie 2015 ©

You be the beauty

And I'll be the beast

I'll try to sweep you off your feet

Tho the rolls might be reversed

I promise I won't be perverse

You're just the one I've been searching for

Watching you dance across the floor

You'll grip my hand perfectly tight

You know I only have one night

Until that rose wilts and dies

Then I'll forever be living this lie

When those petals fall to the floor

You won't love me anymore

For I'll be trapped inside of a body unkind

Washing away your blissful mind

I'll take your hand but you'll turn away

If I only had the chance to say

and prove to you the lies that have been;

The outside that this body forbids

So go be the beauty

I'll still be the beast

And when I sweep you off your feet

We'll dance until this world subsides

We wont have to worry about those lies

Even when that flower wilts away

I'll want nothing more than for you to stay

And see me for the true romancer to be

The one that steals your heart;

You'll see

                                               Alysia Marie 2014 ©

alone
praying for someone
anyone
to knock on the door
even if i can't hear it at first
alone
my only friends are the books
that i can barely read
because i'm practically
blind
and the tv i can barely hear
because i'm almost totally
deaf
new illnesses developing everyday
i'm getting
old
if only someone would come by
somebody
i've got three kids
three
one of them told me happy birthday
this year
one
grandkids
how many now?
six
but what were their names
pictures
don't get to see them often
but i see them in
pictures
new ones
i haven't gotten anything
new
but one
who was that again?
my granddaughter
what was her name
the pretty one
with the pink hair
alysia
i show that picture
to the folks around here
i love looking at it
pictures
are better than
nothing.

I shalt not fall in love with the hand of one god
For many oversee my world.
Nor listen to the lies that dance off your tongue
In a way so distant and curled.

See I live in a way so peaceful and kind
As these spirits around me say.
For seeing through the eyes of one powerful man
Is like selling my soul to the grave.

Your love-
Your captain-
Your savior of beast-

Although whoever betrays him is of ways-
Of crafts and horrid slurs to keep
Me locked in with devilish dismays.

The fate that lies if I do not drift
In love with the hand of your kind.
Of a man that promises all and hell
If I don't sync with the ways of his mind.

So go on and tell me the ways I should see
Although I feel it deep in my heart.
For if I succumb to the ways of your world
My life will diminish and fall apart.

Surrender my soul for one who sees all as sin?
I'd rather vanish into the depths-
Of whirl winds and tragic mystics that spin
Down the treacherous dismays of man.

So go on and tell me the things I should feel
Just because you were brought up that way.
For it doesn't mean I shall appeal to his eyes
For mine turned opaquely to grey.

If hell is what I'm given for my love
Of many spirits and gods-
Then let this reign of "darkness" devoir
My body-
My heart-
And my mind.

                                              Alysia Marie 2015 ©

I feel her eyes upon me
Digging into my soul
I can't run from this pain
Simply losing control
For she's force-fed
These demons
There's a loss in my hair
From the stress that's upon me
As if she's always been there
But that's not true
No it can't be
I'm losing my mind
For she's claimed you
Publicly
I'm wishing I was blind
So I can't see
These tricks on me
She's messing with my head
Manipulative
Like a puppet
Maneuvering my limbs with a thread
And I hate it
I shun it
Lock it up tight in a box
But it calls me
It haunts me
Am I not enough?
For you've told me
You've shown me
How I was your world
But can that be the truth now?
Was there always another girl?

                                  
                       ­          Alysia Marie 2018 ©

You're just like Medusa
You've turned me to stone
With one glimpse of your eyes
The ones I thought that I've known

Yet lately you're silent
That carcass begging to refrain
From the duties of your being
That slithers wildly again

So darling take a breather
Your soul is begging for the air
For venom dances on your lips
With the slightest movement of your hair

Kiss me lovely, kiss me
If that will cure your soul
It might **** me in an instant
With you, I've never had control

Your beauty graces the heavens
But your body's cold as ice
Yet your being is pretentious
I'll pay the infinite price

For this body is a messenger
But to the eye I'm merely stone
For you lose every motive to live
When you fall in love with the unknown

                                               Alysia Marie 2015 ©

She lingers,
She speaks-
She sings in my mind.
For she polishes these windows,
My eyes-
How divine.

Yet sometimes I’m a puppet,
Her precious marionette.
At times I want to cower,
Wish only to forget.

For those words she speaks freely,
Cage me up like a bird.
Making me feel less of a human,
A soul-
How absurd!

Yet even though I’m aware of this poison that she spews-
Sending chills to my bones,
Leaving me internally confused.

For I’m aware of her games,
Yet I’m completely content-
With knowing the consequences,
Still I don’t repent.

Yes, it’s killing me slowly,
Forcing myself not to breath.
Figuratively and relatively-
Casting my body out to flee.

For the porcelain in my sight,
Calls my name like a god.
My body’s screaming for mercy,
In and instant-
She applauds.

Released and freed,
She whispers in my ears.
Slowly and surely,
But she’s housing all of my fears.

For this voice that sang sweetly,
Praising me for the days-
Of vacancy of my body,
Turns my mind into a maze.

See her words create hallways,
One intertwining with the last-
Of memories from my present,
Being guilted by my past.

Leaving me feeling so helpless,
So alone-
So afraid.

But that same voice brings be comfort,
Satisfaction-
For all of those days.

Yes it’s confusing in a sense,
Perhaps even to the eye.
But for me this is a daily,
A struggle of the mind.

See my body is strong,
Yet I feel internally weak.
For these words that I’m writing,
My lips can hardly speak.


                     Alysia Marie 2018 ©

Stand here or just shrug away
Leave me that heart you say you've held
Forcing me to ponder hopelessly
In the deepest depths and realms
That scent-
That smile-
That eerie grin-
Still lingers in my mind
Like piercing needles puncturing
The chambers of my mind
Stop
Go
Just wait in time
Like the ones around you will
Losing moments
Precious moments
The ones that make you ill
Deep inside of this twisted mind
I call my memory
I lock it up and keep it tight
Your secrets safe with me

                                        Alysia Marie 2015 ©

I've spent way too long,
Hiding in the hollows of my mind.

Continuously drowning on all of the poison,
That you've forced down my throat.

All in the name of love.

Your delusional version of love.

                                      Alysia Marie 2016 ©

Mother Earth and Father Sky
Sitting closely as I sing
Flying gracefully in the night
As I drift upon their wings
Slow and sweet, lovely tunes
Frolic through the sounds
Looking upon the blissful moon
As I float safely to the ground
Losing moments in the heat
As the night comes to a holt
And the moon turns to defeat
So the sun can spark a volt
Shining softly through the sounds
That the chorus makes
Of defenseless little clouds
Feeling pain they cannot take
The trees will slowly turn to ash
As the grass becomes a blaze
Melting into the dusty hash
So the world becomes a haze
Mother Earth and Father Sky
Protect me for I am trapped
In between these pins and burns
Slipping from your grasp
Mother you cannot save me
Now that the world is cold and still
Father can't come hold me
I am the one that makes him shrill
I know you're busy with this world
I'll be a part of it one day
But inside my body's swirled
For these words are brash, dare I say
That now I'm floating in your air
The breeze linked to my heart
Close you're eyes, no need to stare
For now I am a part
Of this world you know so well
Quiet and serene
Nature turns and dare i tell
It was no home for me

                                        Alysia Marie 2015 ©

If it were my choice,
I'd drag you so deep
Pull you into the water,
Watching you fall off your feet
You'd stumble a bit,
Can't catch your breath if you tried
Seeing you there,
As the water muffles your cries
The fear in your heart,
Whispers through your lips
With each gasping breath,
I'll just let you slip
For the love you've shown me,
Has done nothing more
Than sink my beating heart,
To the deepest oceans floor

                                              Alysia Marie 2015 ©

Bend me
Break me
Shatter me like stone
Hold me
Kiss me
I'm still the one that you know
Beat me
Bruise me
I love you I swear
Hug me
Keep me
You promised you'd always be there
Take me for granted
Then love me the same
Pull me so close
But I still feel the pain
See these markings are bleeding
And staining my clothes  
But I still tell myself
That you're the one that I know
You bend me
You break me
You're a powerful man
Don't hold me
Don't kiss me
Why don't you understand?
See you beat me
You bruise me
I don't love you anymore
Don't hold me
Don't keep me
But I can't run out the door
See you've trained me
You've morphed me
You have me so scared
You've pinned me
And torn me
Oh yes I'm aware
But I can't seem to leave
Although I want nothing more
I want to break all your things
And storm through that door
But I'm tired
I'm hurting
I'm scared just to breath
You have me like a pet
Crawling on my knees
You're a worthless pathetic excuse of a man
But I guess I'm the same
For I still held your hand

                                        Alysia Marie 2014 ©

One day you'll bring me to that place,
The place I've seen in my dreams.
That over looks this aching world,
But it'll do no good to me.
The moon will hurl into the sun,
And everyone will run but I.
For I have seen this world before,
I have no reason to wonder why.
No clouds will  form inside of this place,
It'll be beautiful to me.
Not a drop of rain falls from the sky,
And the earth dissipates into a sea-
Of dust as the ocean swallows us whole,
Leaving us swimming for the shores.
But that water quickly turns to stone,
Chasing us with nowhere else to go.
Then I hear a voice calling my name,
The mountains are singing their songs.
For there's empty land and dare I stare,
Maybe that is where I belong.
Distant from the world I've seen,
Beautiful in its own light.
So I shall go up to where it leads,
As this realm dances while it fights.
Eyes wide I bring myself to thee,
The climb is steep and swift.
I breath and hold in the air,
That snuffs my soul so quick.
And as I'm standing up upon this stone,
The winds shall bring me to the past-
Of a time when the earth was innocent,
Yet this memory seems so vast.
There was room for us upon this land,
And many other souls.
But this thought takes me away by hand,
From the light that shines and controls.
It opens up with the frames,
Clinching the sands of time.
Burning inside the lively lips,
Death kisses with upon your eyes.
Holds you tight and makes you tame,
Above this wicked board.
for your his pawn and it's his game,
A trusted piece he does adore.
But underneath the sounds,
Of this world that you now see-
Show the distress of a land,
In sight you never thought would be.
Standing on the same earth,
As the one that you once knew.
But it's all the same dirt underneath,
The feet of me and you.

                                                       Alysia Marie 2014 ©

You’ve left me there,
In the dark-
With all of the demons of my past.
They’ve held me captive in those shadows,
And they continued to-
While you waltzed into the light.

                           Alysia Marie 2018 ©

I can't help it
I lose it
I've imprisoned my soul
For you've melted my body
Turned all that I know
To paste and a shadow
Squeeze it all out of my ears
My pitied little creatures
All of my strange twisted fears
I can't seem to forget it
That hair and those eyes
They're burning my body
Caged themselves in my mind
That voice scratches my back
And not the good kind
For it's a lethal dose to ****
I guess I'm next in line
For this being comes to haunt me
Such an evil minded soul
For my heart keeps on pounding
While it's taking over control
Of all of my future
And most of my past
For the demons lie inside
I feel I might as well crash
And burn to an oblivion
Just turn this temple to dust
For there's no way to rid it
Without pain, there's no "us"

                                      Alysia Marie 2014 ©

I feel so confused and used up.
Emotionally, and physically.
Like a towel laying in front of a shower or tub.
It's obviously soaked from the wet feet stepping on it before;
But it still lays there-
As if it's doing any justice.
Just a token,
An ornament-
Decorating the mind to trick you into thinking it's doing it's purpose.

I feel as if I'm making myself believe that I'm doing something good for myself, when really I'm just lying in my own demise. The days do nothing but reiterate.. my body soaks up the same fragments of life.
Everything's like clockwork when all I want is to break that clock and regain my internal being.

Food for thought, or thought for food?
Either way I'm hungry, but I can't seem to eat.

                                        Alysia Marie 2015 ©