I know you'll never understand
what it felt like to be a 8, 12, or 16 year old girl
with a "father" who told you things like
"pull your head out of your ***" or "you only think of yourself" while he snuck out at night to **** other women, and blame it all on my mother.

You'll never understand what it felt like as a young, growing girl with big dreams and a big heart and was told I will never achieve them. I wasn't good enough, and for that I needed to pull my head out of my ***.

You'll never understand the fear I had as my whole body shook in "that spot" in the hallway where leather licked - no bit and twisted - my fragile skin. It was never quick. It lasted an entire life time. I had to beg like a dog and apologize for things I did not do or dreamed of doing. I didn't lie like I have learned to do now.

Meanwhile the dog was usually treated better than me and I was ok with that.

But you'll never understand why a simple phrase can take me back to that little girl, scared in the hallway. Awaiting the belt for something I did not do. Crying in my room and thinking up apologies to say so my "father" would love me and be proud.
I would do anything.
And now, as an adult, I have let many men take advantage of me. Who am I to say No to? Men rule everything they walk over.
& that will never change

I know you will never understand
Because in ways, I have him instilled in my being. In my brain. The way I speak to people, my impatience. My lack of love for myself and for others.
You may never understand, but I will

I am the memories that haunt me
The demons that hold me down
And paralyze me with fear,
The ones that remind me not to trust
The ones i hold dear.

Sometimes I wish to forget it all,
To run away,
Hoping to numb the pain
From the scar that has yet to fade.

I am the memories that haunt me
I can feel it in my body
The aches and the terror,
The screams,
The cries,
And the pleading.

Sometimes I can still hear your voice,
See the way you cowered in fear,
Holding back the tears,
Hoping he would stop.

I was the spectator that was too scared
To speak.
I wish i had screamed and cried,
Pleaded for it to stop
But I froze as the lump in my throat grew
And I struggled to breathe

From that moment on, I surrendered my voice,
Changed my way of being,
Hoping that we would one day flee
From these blood stained walls.
I may forgive
But i will never forget
Because I have become the memories that haunt me,
The scar that never heals

It's been one year since you dropped in my life
unwanted
like a stray cat that claims your porch as their new home.
How easy it was to fall for your ruse
to give you water, shelter, endless attention
to lose myself entirely, all for you.
You should know, when given such attention, a wild animal will stay.
They rule you now.

It's been a year since the loom of your existence
& that hot, hot summer.
You, a mosquito ******* all my blood, all my energy.
Once you were full and licking your lips clean,
you drifted away
Or should I say, you became
disinterested.
I was not pretty to you
but I was convenient enough
for you to dip your claws in
to use me, toy with me
A classic game of cat and mouse
I lost, of course.

It's been one year
since you took my soul and wrung it out like a rag
and hung it up on the clothesline
left for good out in the summer heat
to dry it up, to a crisp.
(My memories keep going back to how sweltering hot it was that summer)
My car with no A/C,
your sweat beads dripping down your scalp,
down your chin, to your neck.
You were always sweating
like the devil himself.
I'd wipe the poison as soon as you left the room
Left me there, alone on the bed, staring at the mold stained ceiling of yet another ****** motel.
"Why am I here?" I thought to myself. Then I reached for the plastic motel cup meant for swishing your mouth out with water, and instead filled it with wine. Classy.
My body covered in your endless sweat.
So. much. sweat.
It must have been the toxins your body carried oozing out of you.
& I still wasn't pretty to you,
just convenient
An easy ****.
You never asked if I wanted to
You never asked me anything
Did you even know my favorite color?
It didn't really matter,
there were no colors anymore.
The world was red and red only
from the summer heat we never seemed to escape.
I've never been so hot in all my life.

It's been one year, and the flashbacks keep growing. keep flashing
and its almost like i'm still the mouse,
being tortured for my past.
Always running away from it,
Burrowing my brain
to keep you out of my thoughts.
How many years will it take?
Are you still a stray cat, just on another girls porch?
I do not pray
but I will, for her