"i love you !" i say as i tear myself open
with how much i still think you don't love me back like i do
what a clown i make,
what a sad excuse for a friend
not to tell you i was so insecure about us,
that i'd rather cry on the way home than in your house.
i won't apologize for feeling,
but i'm sorry for lying.

under you,
back to chest,
powerless yet willing,
move me like a doll
if you want,
i trust you with
my whole body,
say the words to me,
the ones i
long to hear,
and move
over me
like you mean it.

i love you i love you i love you
i both want to kiss you goodbye and wish you the best day after day,
want you to find your purpose and reach your dreams and shower you in gifts all the way,
i wish i could see you grow and love and marry a man and have a family,
i want to let you fly, i wanna make you fly,
i wanna slip in your bed and not leave until my body's decided it's enough,
wanna kiss you hello and wish you goodnight,
i didn't know love could be this way
until we made it so.

thinking about holding your hand as i walk,
its cold out, so
could you press your cheek against my neck
tell me not to leave just yet
tighten your arms around me
cage me in your warmth,

when did i let myself
slip so far under your skin ?
and
can i stay there

if your chest big's enough for me
can i crawl in ?

at first i was the side dish, the banquet was full with only you two and i did not understand your spark. i was in love with part of the meal and your addition left me feeling hollow, jealous, and lost. i thought, what am i bringing to the table. what am i.

then, we tried to be tied together, through sheer force of will. she loved me and she loved you, and why not bring two planets together and create a whole system, and who else but her can be strong enough to move comets. and so we moved, didn't collide at first, i admit. back then i was still lonely and scared, still hated myself more than i realized. i liked you enough to stay, but i didnt like me enough to try. so the planets turned, and the creator waited, and me, i found other stars to play with.

i don't remember much about how it went. i know you tried so hard to make me speak, and i barely did. i was too far gone in my own head back then, couldn't stand existing around people without having a meaning. but you tried. and i ended up speaking. the planets, they have hearts too, but the rock is so thick, the core so protected, layers and layers and layers..

at some point, it got too much to be alone, probably. i was okay with it, because i've been alone so long and all i needed was to find me.
but you, you couldn't take it. the creator offered you something so brave and then got it back piece by piece. this is what hurt you the most, right ? the replacement. the second place. you can't stand it, to be tossed aside. but i saw it in you then ; the planet's core. and i wanted so badly to touch it.

we turned and turned, around each other, planet to planet, alive. you needed a rock, and i was solid enough. you didn't love me yet, i think, but i loved you already. i fell into your orbit, didn't realize the fall would hurt. the comfort i brought you ended up hurting me back. i wasn't the banquet, i wasn't the galaxy, the creator, the first hand to reach for you, i wasn't grand, wasn't bright, wasn't enough for you. but i tried so hard. i tried so hard and i lost myself in it. i became the replacement meal, not as good as the first, not as alluring, but it feeds you, right ? it's good enough to settle hunger. not the best, i know, but the only one who stayed.

and so it went. i was hurting. for one reason or the next, my orbit is always a chaos and you just added to the mess. i saw your core, but could not understand how it loved. surely, it could not love me. but i was wrong, i know now. you loved me for me. what i gave you, it was me too. and the orbit we danced around, it was ours, and not yours only. opened my heart to you, served on a platter, and waited for you to give me yours too.

we did collide then, didn't we. i was the galaxy, pulled you in, held you close, protected you like you protected me. we burned too bright, blinded everyone around us. it's okay, they'll watch and learn, they will. i told you i loved you first, and waited for you to be ready. the waiting used to be so hard, but i trust you now, and i trust me too, you see the galaxy in me and i do too, just like i see in you.

i'm afraid now. not for us, stupid lovebirds that we are, because i will never stop chosing to dance in our orbit. no, i'm afraid for you. i want everyone to love you as much as i do. i want you to love them too. i hope you will. i hope your heart soars, lets the stars out and shine brighter than any sun. hope we grow and expand and love,
even more.

what the **** am i supposed to do with all the stars inside me,
begging to get out and light up the whole ****** world but
i am tiny, like dust,
and burning from the inside isn't
the way i thought i'd live.

brushing my teeth, i look up at the ceiling and its spiderwebs,
look at the cracks in the walls and the ugly paint and all i can think is
i fell in love with you,
a while back,
haven't really stopped since.
i'm scared.
i'll brush my teeth some more,
think about it tomorrow.

I want you so bad and you will never get it, and maybe neither will I but god,
I want to touch you in a way nobody ever has before, want my hands to worship you as if you were my own creation,
God made you soft and I thank Him for it
But your skin calls for mine and I,
I know you hear it too.

stop being sad about what you can't do yet,
work hard, be better but don't
break your own back.
getting to the top isn't worth the sorrow
you give yourself.

you don't exist alone, your pain is theirs too,
so love you like you love them
and walk as far as you can
your legs will hold your struggles
and push you to whatever it is
that you want.

so tell me, what happened to us ? how come we were so close but the bonds stay so fickle, ready to be torn apart any moment now. i love you all, and you all love you, but how come we can never quite reach the stars.

it used to be me, so insecure and packed full of doubts. afraid i was the replaceable or the replacement. and now it's you, afraid of being pushed aside so badly that you end up staying on the road by yourself. afraid of losing the food, the hand who fed you and lashing out instead, pushing the hand aside, the body dropping with it. what good is it now that it spilled everywhere, tell me ? hold the hand, embrace the body ! the stars are here for us or we were made for them but i

i don't wanna lose the circle we made. it's growing, it's changing, let it breathe. let it breathe. tell the circle you love him ! tell him ! love is offering up your whole body and heart and knowing it might be torn apart but at least you did it. you went there, you showed the strenght beneath your skin and the stars inside your eyes and the circle will grow thanks to your risk. love, is a risk. it's simple, it's raw, it's scary all at once and it makes us stronger like it always has.

love isn't the poison you spill around you, or it might be but don't let it win. save yourself, save your body and your heart, your strenght and vulnerability, save your breath, hold the hand, show yours too. tied together, we could be five or one, but the stars wouldn't burn brighter than we do.

there's something beautiful in the devotion of
needing someone else's skin on you so bad that you ache without it, feeling their absence like a pit inside you
and their breath next to you like a blessing come true,
the love that doesn't come from your heart but from your guts, pulling your whole body into it.
i wanna feel that kind of love,
the ugly and raw side of it,
wanna be breathless from it too.

coming to the realization that if i could let myself die slowly, i would,
was the worst christmas present i could give myself.
there comes a moment where you are so miserable that you can't even pity your own **** self,
self hate is so stupid,
so time consuming and egotistical,
and yet i cant stop it. i can't shut it up.
i am an ugly child, and i
don't remember how to live like an adult
when the world around me crumbles and cannot hold me up
anymore.

so what if i died right there,
mouth wide open,
killed by the number of rejections my body has had to suffer through,
mine first and then the rest,
a grief made out of pebbles and rocks and other sharp objects.

what if i gave up, right now,
body crumpled in a knot
of all the hate it has received over the years,
yours first and then
the one i started throwing at it too.

there is only so much time one can save before the ticking of the clock gets too much
to keep walking in dry lands.
show me the ****** water
let me drown in it,
I should be the king of me.

one time i dreamt i was a boy and i haven't really stopped since.
the dream followed me around all day, as if i wasn't meant to live anyway.
dream of mine, can you stop ?
i know that you are beautiful,
i see your truth and your lessons,
the way your hands look like mine but can hold a lot more of the world in them,
i love you, i truly do,
but i am the only one.
dream i dreamt, i beg you to stop,
because maybe i will never reach you,
and that hurts me way more than you do.

to me,
you shine so bright ! beautiful
i'm glad you let me in, to see your messed up parts,
glad to know you trust me this much,
i won't ever miss you like a hole in my chest because
that's where you live and i can't miss a part of me, right ?
thank you for your light and
know that i won't ever stop loving the sun
even if the sun feels cold,
even if his light goes out.
he will find it again,
and i'll be right there with you.

pipe down pipe down,
the too strong feelings went away like smoke,
i love you on the regular dose now
can't tell whether i feel relief or fear
think i loved the idea of you too much
but im good with me now
calmer alone,
you are the wind that makes the flammes burn a bit brighter
and not the whole fire,
i am the whole fire.

am i attracted to you or
the idea i have in my head that looks exactly the way you do
is it your hands i want going up my back to hold my head and kiss me like you mean it
or is it just some other hands
are they my body's desires or mine,
and are they yours too,
i wonder.

and everytime i come to you,
everytime i listen to your hurt or your joy,
to your brightest ideas or your worsts,
and everytime i let you bring me closer and make me small in your arms,
every single time,
it's because i chose
to keep on loving you.

even stars get tired
when their stupid brains won't work and their broken hands can't follow
i soar so high all the time that the fall
******* hurts, you know.
please hold me in your hand before i crumble,
i'm tired of having to do it all
by myself,
star's exhausted, doesn't shine anymore,
just needs to lay down
for a while,
please just let me breathe.

it's raining today.
i can't see it, though the raindrops creep in under my skin,
water flooding me from inside,
where was i going with this except that the drops
are asking questions about things i was so sure of, until now.
what am i to you.
what am i to me,
isn't rain supposed to cleanse ? i'm still so *****.

for a long time i thought i had to be deserving of love, good enough for it
stupid ******* thought
you are loved or you aren't yet.
not a choice, an award or anything like that,
it just is
just happens,
easy or not.

i only love the kindness i give to you and i hate all the rest,
what do i offer the world day after day except the bitterness of someone who can't be bothered to live for real,
what good am i, for myself.
i don't know. i don't know and i'm tired of trying.

you kiss me
you kiss me,
that'd never happen (will it ?)
i know (do i ?)
but you kiss me
and i don't soar, i don't fly i don't do nothing of that
i just hold your hand and thank the prayer,
thank the saint, thank the giver,
i don't ask for one more, don't want it
just once, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦.

body so frail, yet holding so much
a little place for everyone in every corner,
body so tough, keeping you all safe inside,
holding me up, making me breathe easier,
body so loved, sure not by me but still,
letting me live.
i say thank you to its creator,
and its living creatures.

When I look at you at night I think
God, why did you make him,
Just to please me or haunt me ?
I don't know if having you or being far would hurt more
I don't know if my body could stand the hurricane of your skin on mine, or if it would burn itself without it.

What can a man do but love you, what can I do but want you,
Because I 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 you.
I need to touch the neck that keeps your head high and thank it,
I want to feel your hands on my face, reverent, like they never want to leave
Want to hear your voice crack when I touch you,
Your whispers, your moans, the deep notes it would sing when I let you unravel under me,
I want it so bad, I would accept anything.
Even a second of it. Even less than that.
Anything from you, God do you hear my plea, anything from you.

"But are you writing this for a lover or a friend ?"
What's the difference, a lover. a friend.
I will love both just the same,
Can't divide something so grand into tiny parts to give out,
You'll get the whole truth of me or you won't.
I'll love like the sun warmths the earth,
Shake your core and leave you breathless,
Scare the night away and burn you with how strong I feel for you,

A lover is a friend, a friend is a lover.
That's it. Just my truth.

Lately all the words I write,
and all the things I draw,
and all the love I let spill out,
Theyre all about you.

I'm so exhausted, man !
So tired of loving you.

One day you'll find someone,
And that day I'll see what you were to me,
and what I was to you.

But now all I know is that
Every **** word, every last thought,
About you.

Driving at night and watching the city lights flash by,
Going to the lake and napping in the sun, the water quiet just to let us sing,
Walking when it gets dark and not caring about the morning to come,
Watching flocks of birds departing for far far away,
Breakfast with my mom outside while the air is still as fresh as the grass,
Those nights we wanted a huge feast and ended up being too many to fit in tiny kitchens,
My body breaking to the music in crowds,
Bus rides that made my *** hurt for hours,
Sleeping in on sundays, knowing i'll walk to school when the next cold day comes,
Chosing to live everyday,
Not simply existing because I have to hold on for later,

But mostly what i miss is family,
and freedom.

I've read poems about doves and stones afloat in rivers sunlit by the warmth of summer,
and poems about love so intense it cuts you into tiny pieces of longing.

But where is the poem I need about
despising yourself so much it aches,
spreads around you like a sickening disease and leaves your body to rot in shame
and self inflicted panic.

About not being able to pour anything but cowardice in every action you take,
about feeling so alone that
you end up eating yourself.

About hate becoming fuel becoming fire becoming ashes
of you.

You did this to yourself,
What poems can help you now ?

Feel like a rabid dog, waiting to set his claws in any moving legs,
I'll bite and bite and bite
I'll tear the flesh, chew the bones, swallow the bits and pieces and ask for more
Feed me once and we'll both regret it,
I can't be kept from touch when the craving gets so deep.

where your heartbeat used to rest, next to mine
i was hoping for you to come back, watching the news with everyone around me,
waiting for the pin to drop,
and it did !

i miss the rivers and the lakes you know,
wish i could reach for the stars always but right now
i just wanna reach for you,
and get drunk on the feeling
of you and your laugh and your soft voice and the way your smile gets pointy when you're truly happy, the way your beauty grins move around your face like living creatures,
the way you say my name
each day again and again
the way you ask for me to come back
anytime i'm the one who leaves.

i can't ask you to fill the hole in my chest
i'll fill it my own ****** self but know that ;
i miss you.

I cant go to sleep
I swear I want to, swear I try, swear I did all the steps right
But you know what

There is only one body in this bed
And it's mine,
And it misses you
And it wishes it did not have to.

When we touch I let myself be held,
let my body rest in your warmth, protected.
I show you the most vulnerable part of me,
the one that is small and quiet, soft.
I let you near
the crevices in my bones
the beating drums in my chest
the wreckage of desires I refuse to see for myself.

But when I hold somebody else,
someone I should love the same,
someone I should want to touch in a more intimate way than I want to touch you,
someone who could be a lover,
the feeling is not the same.
I protect. I witness the pliant animal that is her body, safe in my hands,
but it's not the same.

I miss you,
I imagine your arms instead.

Sometimes i wonder if i exist in someone else's sketchbooks,
a tiny drawing of me living.
My life captured by learning hands

I think about the pictures people hold on their phones or albums,
The ones i didn't realize existed but still have a little moment of who i am

How many spaces have i filled that i simply didn't know about ?
I want to count them all and know, see how much i breathe in others' eyes But

I'm okay with me
I exist for me
I don't need that kind of comfort except for curiosity.

I was writing you words of love, thinking it would be sweet and beautiful
Because that's what love is, isnt it
Took my pen and papers and started inking the pages

But my words were not as kind as I expected
Instead I wrote about
Fearing I would never be enough for you, because when you shine so bright
Surely I can't be anything but dull.

I thanked you for
bearing with me, because I was hard to know
and I thanked you for your patience
in front of my self loathing
and for your will to stay
when clearly I was too much or not enough
both at once.

So I tore down the letter.
Why were these words the only ones that came to me, why does love hide so many
ugly truths
I don't want them to be the only traces left of us

So, someday, I will tell you instead,
and my letter will only be the candid,
the beauty.
And the raw, devastating parts of
loving someone so much it hurts,
I'll hold on to them a little bit longer.

Because I'll grow out of hating myself,
But I wont grow out of loving you.

theres a paper copy of taylor swift stuck on the window, an acab sign in her hands
this is the start,
there's an uber driver on a bike singing like i don't exist

this is the part where im cold

here the water overflows and this street understands my journey
two strangers talking about music and growing up with AC/DC and the Red Hots, parents' music shaping you up,
they understand me too

there's leaves falling, the sounds like bricks on the pavement
i sit down, back turned to the church
i heard there's at least one spider living every two meters
im scared of them, like a child's memory never truly leaving,
but the rain has calmed down, or calmed me down, which is which
i heard that wheather is always partly in the mind
i don't resent drops and winds and lightning anymore
i made them, right ? i'm strong enough for that
if i can create water and angry skies then
why do i fear creating anything else.

and when the world around us stopped spinning
i'm glad you were here with me, holding on.

when our hearts started beating too loud for our bodies to keep on
at least we were two,
and my bed, warm like a hug made it easier
to breathe with you.

you think that people won't love you if you don't put in the effort,

that they won't stay if you're not here all the time and ready to listen, and

you do not have to be a comfort
to be deserving of love.

and so, no one has any obligation to prove their love to you,

for it to exist still.

A clean house and the knowledge
that i can see you again sometime,
that we're both happy
is all I want.

so tell me how you love me,
how deep it runs, what color it makes,
because i don't really know
what i am to you,
and i wish i could look in your eyes
and trust their story,
but our spark and my novelty
will fade away someday,
and what will stay of us then,
will you still hold me close
and love me just the same ?

if i needed to hold you close for hours and not let go until our lungs stopped breathing,
if i wanted to wrap everything in pretty paper just so i could gift it all to you,
if i dreamt of you every night, soft and pliant or wild and running around inside my head,
if i told everyone around us about how kind you are, how lucky i am to cherish you, how great we feel together,

if i loved you so much that
i stopped trying to hide it within me,
would that be too much ?

I need more intimacy,
Wanna feel someone else's flesh and skin and hairs under my hands
Look into their eyes and know their body trusts me,
Know every single inch of ugly scars and hidden acnea, protruding bones and round stomach,
Wanna kiss, grab, tear apart and let the soft animals we are take over for once,
Worship,
Be worshipped,
Trust and be trusted,
Need to be pinned down like a ragdoll,
Be touched like a craving man i
want it all,
And maybe i do want it
with you.