"telly" poems
The shopping channel calls to me
It wakes me up at night
To sell me things I do not need
Nor would buy, if I was right
But apparently, there's something wrong
My brain should be re-wired
I only purchase things on here
When I am really over-tired
I have a room specifically
For things bought on TV
I've ginsu knives and shredding blades
And juicers!!!...ninety three!!
For some reason the kitchen things
Just seem to catch my eye
Especially at three a.m.
That's the time I need to buy
I've magic bullets by the score
Processors, I don't need
But, if I ever put them all to use...
An army I could feed
I've got socks for diabetics
Things to make your ******* stand out
I've got exercise machines galore
I've got three things that help gout!
My credit card's at the limit
I know the numbers off by heart
The post man knows me by my name
I even have my own **** cart
To deliver all my purchases
They just load it and deliver
It almost comes here by itself
It's enough to make one shiver
I don't know how it started
I think the countdown clock...ah, yes
I thought it meant the game was ending
I phoned in and bought a dress!!!
I've got jewellery by Joan Rivers
George Foreman grills...they fill my den
I've got perfumes for the women
And lots of things that make you men!
My wife cannot contain me
She's sent me off to get some aid
But, if they sell it on the telly
I'll buy it sure as getting laid
I've bedazzled all my clothing
I eat dried fruit and jerky too
I get Christmas cards from Ronco
I'm a shopping ****** through and through
Each month we have a garage sale
I sell off some of what I've bought
But, then I go and buy it back again
Without a second thought
My friends have all but left me
I rarely go out of the house
I just sit here and go shopping
I don't even see my spouse
Set it and Forget it
That's a phrase I love to say
But wait, there's more...is another one
That helps me through the day
I used the last one on my wife
One night while having ***
She told me "Set it and Forget It"
I'm off to dreamland Tex!!
My shopping's an addiction
One I hope to beat some day
But now, the operator says...
I have to get my card and pay!
Jul 2, 2012
Jul 2, 2012 at 7:19 PM UTC
Mum had been gone a couple of months, six I think… (An ordinary day, feeling hollow but doing OK) …when I realised I could get rid of the sofa.
I thought it was ugly, she thought it was a bargain. A sofa’s not a keepsake and it was certainly no heirloom. I’d not inflict it on my kids. I got rid.
If I could’ve had her back then? I would’ve done. Even if it meant keeping the sofa.
Redecorated. Bought a new telly. Spent frivolous amounts of cash on scatter cushions. She disliked scatter cushions. I thought they were cosy.
My little boy drew on one of the cushions. On purpose. I was about to smack the back of his legs… (Mum would have, she smacked me when I was little) … I stopped.
I never wanted to. Had known all along, somehow forgotten.
If I could’ve had her back then? I would’ve done. But she would not smack my children.
Mum had been gone a year… (Planting bulbs, feeling conspicuous carrying a shovel ‘round the churchyard) …and I missed her.
It was as hot as the day she died. There was no breeze up on that hill, no cloud. Beautiful views stretched right out to the sea.
My little boy had grown, he helped carry water and dig holes. My baby was learning to walk, she wobbled on uneven turf between the headstones. I wanted Mum to see.
If I could’ve had her back then? I would’ve done. No question.
Mum had been gone three years… (Bulbs were doing OK. There was nothing left to plant that rabbits wouldn't nibble) …and I realised it was time to move on.
I kept the ghosts quiet while agents showed people round. The house sold. We moved away. A warm, terraced place in a small town by the sea. Dad died.
Mum has been gone eight years and I miss her.
Looking out from the Downs across cliff-top and sea, the churchyard seems nothing more than a soft-grey fleck on the green edge of town.
If I could bring her back now? Everything’s changed.
Ghosts exist. They sit in empty chairs and speak kettle-whistle. Wishing us well.
Apr 15, 2015
Apr 15, 2015 at 2:34 PM UTC
Not another flipping cooking show,
On the telly, it's all go,
Weird concoctions in their heads,
What's up with good old meat and veg?
Judges frowning, watching on,
The clock is ticking, must get done,
Sweat is dripping in their pies,
So some top Chef can criticise?
I'd love that job, the eating bit,
They never eat up all of it,
Sometimes they are just simply rude,
So if they criticised my food,
I wouldn't put up with that ****
The buggers would be wearing it :)
Apr 9, 2014
Apr 9, 2014 at 3:51 PM UTC
Earlier today, painting was the activity that we had planned
I have a support teacher who would always lend a hand
She had left the class to get the paint all mixed
While I stayed behind to get the toys and props all fixed
She came back and bore bowls of red, white and blue
Made me think of...well, made me think of you.
Lunchtime I visited a store and neatly displayed on low shelves
Arranged so immaculately as if magically done by elves
Were cases upon cases stitched together with only zips
They almost instantly bent a smile to my lips
Their colours shone brilliant red, white and blue
Made me think of...well, made me think of you.
Passed by a shop selling accessories and apparel
Merchandise dangled on wall hooks and some in a jumble
On the adjacent wall something caught my eye
Carried all the neat little tote bags one could ever buy
One peeking from a corner was red, white and blue
Made me think of...well, made me think of you.
Walked by a building, so modern-looking and new
Down on one side almost obscured from view
Were these horizontal rows of dancing neon lights
Stopped for a minute just to soak in the sights
Then I realised that they flickered red, white and blue
Made me think of...well, made me think of you.
Waited for the bus to get home at my usual bus stop
Whilst waiting, I shifted and from my bag something did drop
Bent over and picked my coin pouch that had fallen out
Looked up only to see another commuter lingering about
On his pack was a sticker which boasted red, white and blue
Made me think of...well, made me think of you.
Bus was packed, found a seat in the back row
Sat myself down, I peered briefly out the window
Engine under me, I scanned around to those who were seated
Observed the floor beneath my shoes as it vibrated
My pair of Adidas, oh my, they're red, white and blue
Made me think of...well, made me think of you.
Got home, put my bag down and sank into the sofa
Switched on the telly, on was the Food Network's "Barefoot Contessa"
Surfed through the channels, caught a real estate commercial
Promoting prime land in a country not anywhere regional
Splashed on the screen, a flag - red, white and blue
Made me think of...well, made me think of you.
End of the day, it is best that I hit the sack
Allow some rest for my poor aggravated back
But not till I complete the words you're currently reading
I'm thinking, dreaming and furiously typing
How do I end this? Hmm...red, white and blue?
I'm thinking and dreaming...and wishing I'm with you.
Aug 8, 2014
Aug 8, 2014 at 9:08 PM UTC
I find as I get older
I have to censor what I say
I can't say that a happy man
Seems very, very, gay
I never got the memo
When certain words were made taboo
I never got that message
I' missed that one , did you?
My Nan would send my brother
To the shops to get her ****
I know we aren't allowed to say this
I've been told by P.C nags
I remember the old story
Of Black Peter and St. Nick
Now you can't say either one
or you'd be branded quite the *****
There, I used another one
***** somehow made the list
Has anyone seen the memo
It's the one note that I missed
You must call someone Richard
You cannot call him ****
**** political correctness
Just brought me back to *****
If you sit and watch the telly
you can't put your feet up on a ****
that gets us back to gay again
The PC folks would hit the roof
Don't start me on Brazil nuts
Remember what we all called those ?
If I put that down in writing
I'd be PC'd in the nose
Men and Women are all persons
This PC stuff just makes me sick
But, just look at them both naked
There, I've worked back round to *****
It takes the fun out of saying swear words
You have to censor all the time
There might be a PC zealot
waiting for a language crime
So, in closing let me tell you
And I will do it with some class
They can take their PC memo
And shove it up their....buttocks (I think is the term used nowadays)!
Jul 26, 2012
Jul 26, 2012 at 8:19 PM UTC
An ode to my beautiful wife
Who is really the love of my life
In all of our years
We've had so few tears
I can't even remember much strife
Now truly she doesn't like cricket
Or my nose, should I stupidly pick it
And the money I spend
Drives her right round the bend
So my wallet, she's no choice but nick it
Yes, we have two kids and six cats
The latter delieverd two rats
but the oddest thing
They decided to bring
To our house were a couple of bats.
We were drinking and watching the telly
When Becksy cat did something smelly
It happened we saw
Her *** was rubbbed raw
And she needed pretroleum jelly.
When the time reaches much after nine
Unless we've been into the wine
It's off to the bed
For resting of head
Hey that's not your pillow, it's mine.
Our daughters are Issy and Jess
They turn cleanliness into a mess
Whatever we do
By quarter past two
We're under some strain and more stress.
We really do love our great daughters
For all of the things that they taught us
And all of the grind
Gets left well behind
When a hug is the best gift they brought us
Feb 9, 2010
Feb 9, 2010 at 10:37 PM UTC
Every year at Christmas
The tree goes by the wall
I drag the **** thing from downstairs
And I tug it down the hall
The lights go up with tinsel
The ornaments and star
Then I go downstairs and knock one back
Behind my little two tap bar
I've done it now for forty years
Each year, the tree and lights
The tinsel and the ornaments
To brighten up the nights
The cards I get go on the wall
No baking do I do
I go downstairs and have a drink
Sometimes I might have two
The kids, not here, they have their lives
I get a call on Christmas Day
It's far to far to come out here
And there's just no room to stay
The boys have hockey, the girls as well
So they won't be coming soon
They play their first game at three
So I get their phone call right at noon
I put my little Cornish hen
In the oven for my meal
I've got some frozen veggies
And a Christmas ******* for the "feel"
I sit alone at Christmas
I watch the telly, have a beer
It's not the same with out you
It's not Christmas, you're not here
Still every year the tree comes out
I put it where you'd say
We'd move it at least fifteen times
Until it found a place to stay
I drag the decorations out
I've not yet bought something new
I'm here alone at Christmas
With my memories spent with you.
Dec 9, 2013
Dec 9, 2013 at 11:31 PM UTC
Now then,(Clicks fingers and stretches out),,,I know you men out there will think i'm all cahoots,But i need to vent my feelings on the, ever, splendid, boot,There,s black boots white boots, really outta sight boots,Baby boots, Mummy boots, ever just so yummy boots,X boots, Y boots, black patent leather thigh boots,(MMMMMM)Flat boots, high boots, heels like a needles eye boots,Work boots, shopping boots, **** , real eye popping boots,Going to visit mum boots, feeling very glum boots,Welly boots, smelly boots," i'm just watching telly" boots,Car boots,"?" truck boots, "come on babe, let's **** boots,All these boots and more would make a woman want to swear,But guys, you haven't heard me go on about our underwear!!!
Feb 25, 2010
Feb 25, 2010 at 7:21 AM UTC
~
Procrastination, it's everyone's least favourite word.
Running around, doing a great many things, but
Of course not that what they were supposed to do.
College might've given you much homework,
Reading book X; chapters two, five and six,
And writing a paper of a thousand words...
So students rather start doing something else.
The house wife might have this problem too,
If cleaning isn't her favourite thing to do.
No, watching the telly is much more fun
And reading a book is also a lot easier
Than walking around the house
In a big frenzy, trying to tidy every room.
Oh, procrastination, many people use you,
Not that they like you, no way.
~
Sep 24, 2012
Sep 24, 2012 at 9:58 AM UTC
Missing you,
Is the hardest thing,
That's come across my path.
First its like a dull headache,
Deep within my silly old head.
Then it moves down to my chest,
Where it burns.
My every bone, cell and fibre,
Wishes for you to be close.
Wishes to snuzzle my head into your neck.
Wishes to hear your voice.
Wishes to hold your hand.
Wishes to feel your breath on my skin.
Wishes to see your smile.
Wishes to talk for hours.
Wishes to sing to you.
Wishes to eat dinner with you.
Wishes to walk to our tree.
Wishes to hear you call be a 'nana' again.
Wishes to try and cook for you.
Wishes to do laundry with you.
Wishes to watch telly with you.
Wishes to watch you sleep.
Wishes to make you laugh about snatches.
Wishes to watch you frown when thinking.
Wishes to feel your arms slide around me.
Wishes to be at ease in your company.
The wishes just hurt.
My tears hurt.
My heart hurt.
Everything hurts.
My world isn't the same without you.
My world is poorer without you.
I stare at my arm.
My dedication to you.
It hurts.
Feeling this powerless,
Hurt.
I can't change the situation.
I can't stop time.
I can't take away your pain.
Your fears.
Your anxiety.
So I just sit here,
Watching the rain fall.
Remembering heaven.
And it hurts.
Sep 19, 2020
Sep 19, 2020 at 10:12 AM UTC
Love is beautiful
Patience and kind
Movie star kisses
Making passionate love
Paints a pretty picture
But lets get down to the nitty gritty
*** is ******* good
Rough and passionate
But the next day can be filled with regret
The next ******* day is plan b
And why don't people *** after *** on the television?
Thats a urinary tract infection waiting to happen
Or yeast infection
What the televison doesn't t tell you
you can get hpv with a ****** on
Hpv leads to cancer
(but not all strands- you still got hope)
maybe a chance you already have hpv
Because almost every sexually active person will have it at one point in their life
What the television doesnt tell you
after **** some girls will have to take a huge ****
And most girls don't like ****
It hurts every ******* time
What the television doesn't tell you
how to use proper protection
That you can be rubbed raw
Get a hernia during ***
Sometimes its pretty ******* bad ***
Its not pretty
It can be awkward
It can be silly
and you do not need to act ****
What the telly doesn't tell you
Is how it doesn't matter about the age you loose it but when you have the emotional intelligence to go through with it
Even then you do not know that you have opened Pandora's box
You do not know what you think you know
The specialist are still figuring out ****** hygiene
So the next time you watch the television and you see the **** stars or teen lovers
It is not so easy
*** is complicated
But can be good and worth it with the right person
No matter what age or relation
Dec 31, 2014
Dec 31, 2014 at 3:30 AM UTC
If only you’d done the washing up
I wouldn’t be slamming plates into the sink
Half sobbing
Half seething
Stubbornly burning my hands on water that’s too hot
Angrily scrubbing at three day old tomato sauce
And bits of chips and jumbo sausage that have welded themselves to the plate
If only you’d done the washing up
We could have *** later
But we can’t now
Because I’ll be too tired and bitter after doing the washing up
Again
Do you think I like washing up?
Don’t you think I’d rather be sitting on the sofa
Watching crap on the telly
Safe in the knowledge that the sink is empty
The plughole is clean
And the worktops are sparkling
I bet Beyonce doesn’t have to do the washing up
I bet she has a dishwasher
If only you’d done the washing up
You wouldn’t need to call me childish
For getting worked up over something as silly as the washing up
And I wouldn’t be standing here wondering
If you’ll ever really get it
“It’s only the washing up” you say
Exactly
So just ****** well do it next time
********
Dec 9, 2012
Dec 9, 2012 at 11:58 AM UTC
If I was a telly
You would pretty much be
The remote control
That turns me on.
F.Z.N
Aug 19, 2014
Aug 19, 2014 at 4:00 PM UTC
The creature landed,
And folded it's wings,
Snuggled into it's nest,
Jewelled fit for a king,
Gem-encrusted hide,
With a soft under-belly,
An intelligent beast,
Who could be on the telly,
Tucked away in a cave,
With treasures galore,
Devouring it's meal,
Then hunting for more,
This majestic being,
The last of it's kind,
Will stay hidden away,
Until it's old and blind,
Hunted almost to extinction,
By the Earth's dominent race,
A thing of myths and legends,
Dragon's exist, I rest my case,
May 1, 2015
May 1, 2015 at 5:44 AM UTC
But at the end of the day, I don't want the one who will spin my head round, who will make my blood boil, whose kisses will feel like I'm on fire, whose touch will make the universe explode. No. I want the one who will be okay seeing me throw up after we've had a bit too much to drink; who will hold my hair and call me a loser the next morning, but will, nonetheless, leave two Tylenol on the nightstand. I want the one who won't mind taking care of me when I'm sick, who won't mind my coughing fits and my runny nose. I want the one who will be perfectly fine with running home in the rain after we've missed our bus; who will be content with wearing ugly sweaters in front of the telly, drinking hot chocolate and watching silly movies. I want the one who will cook for me and who won't mind my cooking. I want the one who will be perfectly comfortable with us walking around in our underwear and who will drink as much coffee as I do. I want the one who will lie in bed with our laptop while I'm reading a book and won't mind the silence. I want the one who will buy my parents silly Christmas gifts and someone whose mother I'll be friends with. I want the one who will laugh at my jokes when they're funny and will call me an idiot when they **** I want the one who will beat me at computer games and who won't mind that I sing even though I **** at singing. I want the one who will open up to me and let me help them; who will listen to my worries but who will respect my personal space. I want the one who will call me silly nicknames and who will tell me they love me everyday. I want the one who will take pictures with me and will pin them on the fridge. All I crave is comfort and stability. Don't romanticise love: the only thing you'll ever need is a best friend who wants to sleep with you and spend the rest of your life with you.
Mar 9, 2015
Mar 9, 2015 at 11:12 AM UTC
What if nothing really meant nothing?
We use this word so flippantly,
In everything we do,
I've nothing in the cupboards,
But we all know that's not true,
There's nothing on the telly,
There's nothing in my purse,
I've nothing to wear right now,
This nothing is a curse,
I've nothing i can offer,
Nothing left to give,
Nothing in my life right now,
Nothing but to live,
But what a load of total crap,
We utter everyday,
We have so much to be grateful for,
In every single way,
So listen here to me right now,
It's not what we possess,
It's not what's in the cupboard,
Or the cut and style of dress,
It can't be measured by TV,
Or monetary gain,
It's what we feel and how we love,
That makes us all the same,
No matter what your day will bring,
Remember this is true,
That when you have a nothing phase,
I've got your back for you,
Because you have everything,
But nothing you can see,
And if all else seems to fail,
At least you have got me.
Nov 29, 2014
Nov 29, 2014 at 9:46 AM UTC
Norman Stevens
Always gets evens:
Reads my stuff on his smart telly.
Go on Norman, give it some welly.
There you have it, a Clerihew,
Oh what an how to do,
Very silly, very true.
Why I love them, I haven’t a clue.
Time now for another brew.
As I’ve said before:
Write a Clerihew:
It’s easy to do.
Two rhyming couplets of any length:
Short and simple, that’s its strength.
Paul Butters
Nov 13, 2015
Nov 13, 2015 at 5:08 AM UTC
Wondaland, a.k.a. The Magic Metropolis
June 13th, 2021
Esteemed Readers and Writers, Gangstapoets and Hangarounds,
Gangstapoetry proudly declares that CREATION 96 is now the second unit of our Global Movement.
We are welcoming our new members. You are now a part of us. Much Love.
Tizzop
GANGSTAPOETS
**** 13.8 * MIKEY DA STREETWISE * EAZY LEGS * ADORABLE GREGGIE * MONICA MATADORA * SLY BOOTYGIRL * COLLAPSIN CHAOT * THE LADY REVENANT * BEEN * WOOZY WIZARD * TELLY * CRATERSKATER * CHEYENNE IS STARVIN * CASPER THE PSYCHOTIC GHOST
GANGSTAPOETS
DESERT SAMURAI * PRESTON * ALBOW * SNOWBLADE MUTANT * SAMBA *
UNKLE OF DOOM * PLAY * ANTWONE *
BOBBY BUTCHAH * TINA * JOEY * DREAM SEEKER * TRANCE DISCIPLE *
* MOTH * DR. **** * KOBA COBRATONGUE
GANGSTAPOETS
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Jul 28, 2021
Jul 28, 2021 at 8:12 AM UTC
I've never been to China
I almost went to France,
I missed a flight to Russia once
I only missed by chance
Rome's intoxicating
The air there is sublime
But, I've never been there either
I just didn't have the time
I missed a train to Scotland
Bypassed Wales, and well Why Not?
There's nothing there in Cardiff
Other countries haven't got
I thought about the islands
Bui I do not like the sun
So I thought about a cruse ship
Still, I've never been on one
Alaska, has the mountains
forests wide and big brown bears
But as you can imagine
I've also not been there
I thought about Hawaii
but I never made that trip
I thought about the hula
And I thought I'd hurt my hip
I booked a flight to Cairo
Never went as you could guess
Saw a story on the news one day
And Jesus, what a mess
The pyramids had scaffolding
The place was full of sand
So I stayed home and watched telly
And then that trip was canned
I've never been to Ireland
or Cuba or Ceylon
And at the rate I'm going
It won't be long before their gone
I've thought about the Norway fjords
and lovely Swedish parks
but I've heard that all their fjords are filled
With big man eating sjarks!
I've never been most anyplace
I ever set to go
I'm not sure why I stayed here
I really do not know
Next week I have a trip planned
I'm not going to Spain
And then a fortnight after
I'm not going again!
May 3, 2012
May 3, 2012 at 4:52 PM UTC
The cat comes round from next door
When his humans have all gone out -
The kids with their mum’s high-pitched voices
Daddy "Drill" with his DIY shout
And the cat comes and sits, sits in silence
And he rolls on his back on the floor
And he asks you to tickle his tummy
Then he asks you to stop with his claw -
Yes, it’s nice of a day to have company
Of the kind that don’t too much distract
Yes it’s better than telly, oh isn’t it very -
Nice to have neighbours with cats!
Feb 20, 2011
Feb 20, 2011 at 7:58 PM UTC
I hate Tuesdays .....
its a pants day.
a none day
a one day
I hate Tuesdays ...
its a new day
the first day
of the week
I hate Tuesdays
but love
Sundays
Its bacon
roast beef dinner
Hovis bread for tea
and top gear on the telly
everyday should be Sunday
the best day of the week
Feb 11, 2011
Feb 11, 2011 at 7:03 AM UTC
Green-apple pings off of a shelf,
just misses his ear,
watermelon scores a direct hit
to the back of his throat.
*… askin’ for it... the ****
short ******
Woken mid rant, we don’t hear the rest,
not yet.
Straight-faced to the telly,
feeling confusion
pierce the backs of our heads-
dontlaughdontlaughand
dontlookatme.
Silently we pray
to the gods of Friday night
and sour candy, that
he’ll nod off and start snoring
before one of us pops
into a neon-snot-mess of giggles.
It’s taken too long
and we’ve eaten half our ammunition, but
he’s at it again. We grin.
Retrieve pink and green missiles
from 'round the chair legs,
listening
to what he’d do to her.
Mar 3, 2012
Mar 3, 2012 at 3:20 PM UTC
There's a Sofa in my kitchen
and a Bread-bin in the lounge-
the missus won't stop *******
and the kids are on the scrounge.
the atmosphere is thick with queer
Simon Cowells on the telly,
Tom Jones's bones are
th' microphones n
his bowels are
Ooozzing smelly.
through atrophied
arseholes who choose
between iconicity
n the domesticity blues.
There's a Sofa in my kitchen
and a Bread-bin in the lounge
the missus won't stop *******
and the kids - are on the scrounge.
May 7, 2012
May 7, 2012 at 2:41 AM UTC
It's such a quaint notice to understand
The very point on why Friendships are made
And you in Cheer, though Special beforehand
Was just a Concern I had to obey
This thrice on Crop's Best; And opened before
Such that Stubborn Mules fail to socialise
They only eat grass - aloof and demure
And a Good Partner most unqualified
We shared the News once. That a Good Exchange
Of Certain Facts the Telly won't disclose
How frustrating when we need a wide range
And once we did just adds to our Remorse.
Freakish Things they are, Roaches in the Brain
Unless we sweep this, infest they remain.
Mar 12, 2013
Mar 12, 2013 at 3:10 AM UTC
Relly?
Relly chelly?
Belly selly smelly.
Telly trelly helly welly?
Melly.
Melly.
Delly selly belly felly
Welly?
Jelly.
Sep 16, 2013
Sep 16, 2013 at 6:12 AM UTC