The struggle against the current,
I never realised it was futile
until the moment I turned around
and looked over the edge
of the waterfall right behind me.
So I let go and gave in,
as the water gently pushed me along
straight into your waiting arms,
open, warm, and inviting.
Imagine my surprise
when I found you at the bottom.
I felt a connection, I opened up
as you seemed to be different,
but you told me you weren't
a typical male one too many times;
the shine slowly faded.
The deep connection was superficial
but love still makes blind and I didn't see,
swept away by the waves of my imagination
showing me what could have been.
Your actions betrayed your words,
you said you didn't mean to,
but you were the moon, I was the tide,
pulled in and pushed away,
unknowingly part of a game
that I didn't understand.
I fell for your act but how easy it is
to not fall for who you really are
but let you go instead, and yet,
I don't grieve for losing you,
because you've always been fake.
I only grieve for a lost pleasant dream.
There is only restlessness
'cause I want to move forward,
alas, I am limited
by the hours in the day.
Meanwhile I drown in chaos
as thoughts jumble together
and I struggle endlessly
lest they will drag me astray.
Deep inside my soul worries,
a tiny spark crying out,
can our body survive this
or will we both fade away?
Everyday I see the train
Inviting locals and foreigners
Smiles exchanged with deep talks
Feelings deepened between passengers
Where does the train go?
Where do the tracks end?
Everyday the train comes
Only to pass by me again
Fed up with my curiosity
I take one step aboard
I want my questions answered
Before I dare ask for more
I take in all the answers
By exploring every corner
As I look for somewhere vacant
I become even more unsure
My eyes locked in to another pair
As if they have found a home
Reconnecting to a piece of me
Deciphering what was unknown
I sit down across from him
He holds a familiar smile
We exchange some playful banter
So I agreed to stay awhile
I found my heart inching closer
I look down before I fall
If falling meant I could be with him
I didn't mind risking it all
Only to realize it was just me
Falling harder along the tracks
I looked at him with possibilities
Getting only half of my feelings back
I didn't know he had a stop in mind
Or maybe I was too blind to see
That loving look I adored in his eyes
Was from thinking of her and not me
His stop was coming up soon
And our time was running out
How do I persuade him to stay
Holding on to what I just found
My hesitation grew with every step
The closer he got to the door
Delaying our goodbyes just a bit
Hoping he had felt something more
The train moved on unlike me
As I stare at the empty space
Wondering of all the what ifs
What if I had asked him to wait?
I feel the train go higher
No longer depending on the tracks
I try to make up for what I saw in him
He was a reflection of what I lacked
My uncertainty about him
Made me certain of something else
Losing him did not lose me
Or take away what I had felt
So I sit on another side of the train
Causing my mind to shift
Wherever this train will take me
I am sure I'll make the most of it
My mind is a wilderness
with no way of disentangling
the mess that is my thoughts.
I struggle with unraveling
the troubles of my soul
as they keep growing unchecked.
I am lost in the thicket,
looking for tools to find my way,
and I wish I dared ask you
for help with finding my heart.
I am a butterfly
hidden in my cocoon
slowly growing each day
awaiting the new moon
when my wings can unfurl
and I fly away, too soon.
You still feel warm in my embrace, like you always do.
Your scent still comforts me, like it always has.
You are still soft to touch like all these years before.
I am still afraid to lose you like when you nearly passed.
Yet I knew this wouldn't last forever,
however much I try to deny
that there is this thing called mortality.
I know one day I'll have to say goodbye,
I just don't think I'll ever be ready.
And though you're still here right now,
I already started grieving your loss,
which neither of us deserves
as we still have plenty roads to cross.
So I'll do my best and honor your continued presence,
spoil you with tasty treats and your favourite toys,
and create more memories of you for me to cherish.