The shopping channel calls to me It wakes me up at night To sell me things I do not need Nor would buy, if I was right But apparently, there's something wrong My brain should be re-wired I only purchase things on here When I am really over-tired I have a room specifically For things bought on TV I've ginsu knives and shredding blades And juicers!!!...ninety three!! For some reason the kitchen things Just seem to catch my eye Especially at three a.m. That's the time I need to buy I've magic bullets by the score Processors, I don't need But, if I ever put them all to use... An army I could feed I've got socks for diabetics Things to make your ******* stand out I've got exercise machines galore I've got three things that help gout! My credit card's at the limit I know the numbers off by heart The post man knows me by my name I even have my own **** cart To deliver all my purchases They just load it and deliver It almost comes here by itself It's enough to make one shiver I don't know how it started I think the countdown clock...ah, yes I thought it meant the game was ending I phoned in and bought a dress!!! I've got jewellery by Joan Rivers George Foreman grills...they fill my den I've got perfumes for the women And lots of things that make you men! My wife cannot contain me She's sent me off to get some aid But, if they sell it on the telly I'll buy it sure as getting laid I've bedazzled all my clothing I eat dried fruit and jerky too I get Christmas cards from Ronco I'm a shopping ****** through and through Each month we have a garage sale I sell off some of what I've bought But, then I go and buy it back again Without a second thought My friends have all but left me I rarely go out of the house I just sit here and go shopping I don't even see my spouse Set it and Forget it That's a phrase I love to say But wait, there's more...is another one That helps me through the day I used the last one on my wife One night while having *** She told me "Set it and Forget It" I'm off to dreamland Tex!! My shopping's an addiction One I hope to beat some day But now, the operator says... I have to get my card and pay!