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kirk 2d
I've written letters of complaint, and I've made it crystal clear
That constant life insurance adds, are an insult to the ear
A thousand pounds near minimum, I still think that's quite dear
We resent your death reminders, every day and year by year

I'd much prefer an answer, but I'm simply being ignored
Your only interest seems to be, is we all get insured!
We're offered bribes to temp us, if a policy is scored
Vouchers for our honored dead, well that is no reward

A collaboration with the reaper, do you have to get so close?
It doesn't matter if its pure, or if it is grandiose
Biologically it's necessary, but from a certain point it's gross
We cannot deny we've had our fill, and now we're comatose

Larynxes are beyond sore, our throats are stuffed and rammed
Why do the brakes in programming, have to be so crammed?
Material that destroys your soul, should be condemned and ******
Pure profit over sympathy, with the public that you've scammed

Stop praying on vulnerable, stop banking on the needy
The volume of competitors, are getting far too greedy
Cash grabing is hardly fair, it's bordering on seedy
Would we like these adverts purged, the answers "yes indeedy"

Bleak broadcasting is of the scale, it's something we detest
Everyone is sick to death, and I really must protest
Don't you know that your campaign, is making us depressed?
We won't take this lying down, so please lay it to rest

Poor undertakers don't exist, their service price is shocking
Tailored suits don't justify, the dying that their mocking
A sordid quest for your demise, as heavens door is knocking
Caskets and a hired hurse, an expense that sure needs blocking

The pretence of the smarmy gent, his mannerisms are just fake
Pretending that they feel your pain, but their just on the make
Business deals are organised, and its not for heavens sake
Why don't we concentrate on life, instead of hearts that brake

Low cost funerals that's a laugh, who are you trying to kid
You even charge us for the nails, that seals the coffin lid
Twenty companies in excess, touting for your hard earned quid
Con artist's are in your face, waiting for the poor man's bid

It takes more than a few pennies, so don't raise your expectations
Cos in the end your still relying, on family and Relations
Don't waste your time on searching, through the mass of tv stations
It's impossible to get away, from funerals and cremations
As you may or may not know this poem was inspired from one insurance advert in particular the original words are here for comparison purposes only:

We've spoken to our darling dad he's made it crystal clear  
He doesn't want his funeral to cost the family dear
Don't waste your hard earned pennies on a grandiose occasion
I'd much prefer you organise a simplicity cremation
kirk Mar 22
Who needs a box of Sandwiches, who needs a plump Pork Pie
Snap those flimsy plastic Knifes, and bleed your Hip Flask dry
***** up your Paper Serviettes, kiss Plates and Cups goodbye
The War on Picnics has begun, and Coffee Beans will die

Bar B Q's will let them burn, checked Blankets can be ripped
Don't squeeze those juicy Oranges, all Bananas must stay zipped
Lock away your Wicker Baskets, cos Yogi's post is piped
The average bear has had his day, and smartness will be stripped

Cobs of Corn are wilting; they can't believe their ears
Asparagus has now been thrown, along with all the spears
Fresh Cream is left to curdle, Milk shaking through the fears
Too many Hops have been deflowered, so stick your crate of Beers

Who wants your Cheese and Onion, spin on my Sausage Roll
The march of Walkers has commenced, and Crisps have gone Awol
Let Iceberg Lettuce melt away, toss out that Salad Bowl
Tuna Fish has just got canned, so has the Dover Soul

Vanilla in an Ice Cream Cone, that's frozen to the scoop
Hard Boiled Eggs are going soft, so they've all flown the coop
A ****** on a Cocktail Stick, one ***** that's on the droop
Ripe Tomatoes are now squashed, pack up your Cup a' Soup

Chicken has turned rather fowl, Ham is now wafer thin
Kitchen Roll has given up, their towels have been thrown in
Farmhouse Loafs caught Cottaging, will take it on the chin
Candy Floss is so confused, and gone into a spin

Pizzas have fell like Domino's, they refuse to leave the Hut
Oyster shells are clamming up, so they are staying shut
Quarter Pounders lost their purposes, now they can't bust a gut
The bluntness of cheep Meat Cleavers, just didn't make the cut

The revolution of French Fries, cos they've all had their Chips
Slavery has come to pass, amongst the Walnut Whips
All Smoothies have had it rough, no blend without the Pips
Escargot are much to slow, so they can't pass my lips

Spaghetti tried to slip away, because it doesn't give a Fork
It's hairy for the Coconuts, but they're too shy to talk
Pepsi has been smoking Coke, as well as pulled Roast Pork
The Battering of the northern Puds, has forced them back to York

All the Grapes are souring; they have good cause to Wine
Nuts are turning to bad Seeds, upon the lonesome Pine
Pigs say that Bacon rationing, "is really just a swine"
We've grounded our Black Pepper, and of coarse it's now too fine

Fallen Fruits are badly bruised, too hard for any healings
A Jacket that once was snug, lost in Potato Peelings
Jelly has thrown a wobbler, why Trifle with its feelings
Biscuits forced into a Jam, so no more Dodgy dealings

Those Chillies are so lazy, Watercress will stay in bed
It's as easy as a piece of Cake, but the Beetroots seeing red
Margarine has hardened up, and the news has not been spread
Beef Wellington has had the boot, and there's nowhere else to tread

Apples are forbidden fruit, and Ribs are going spare
The Pastry has flaked away, from my sweet Chocolate Éclair
Will Lady Godiva ride again, to show off her lovely Pear?
Pringles popped and cannot stop, but they decline to share

Salad Dressing that gets caught, well isn't that just rude?
All the Kebabs are angry, because their Vegetables are skewed
Bottles are remaining corked; it looks like we are *******
Food unwrapped will go to waste, now that its in the ****

My Candelabra's round the twist, and it's getting on my wick
Pineapple Chunks and Silver Skins, are sliding down the stick
Unsliced Bread on your doorstep, I'm afraid it's much too thick
Fields of Crops aren't dusted off, so you can't take your pick

Peperami was an animal, but now he's just a yob
Gourmet food has lost its class, and turned into a slob
My Butter has now melted, Lurpak has got no ****
Donut holes are being filled, so ******* PC Plod

The Salt is in the Cellar, Sugar has got the Cane
Lollipops have all been licked, Crackers have gone insane
Soufflés refuse to even rise, and Tea has felt the strain
Frankfurter has to face Riff Raff, and won't be sweet again

Tarts who've lost their Cherries, are no longer sat on top
Unlucky Scones have been let go, so they've all felt the drop
Beans have done a Runner; fizzy drinks have all gone Pop
Cops are giving us a fine, cos they want Picnics to stop
On 6th January 2021 two friends were fined £200 each for travelling just five miles to Foremark Reservoir in Derbyshire for their daily exercise.
Jessica Allen and Eliza Moore were surrounded by police officers in the car park shortly after arriving in separate vehicles.
Both ladies were read their rights and was told that the hot drinks they were carrying were not allowed as they were "Classed as a picnic"

It seems a bit extreme to confiscate a cup of coffee and classify it as a picnic and maybe a case of over zealousness on the part of the Derbyshire police officers.
Incidents of this nature over the past year are increasing and as a result of this I have been inspired to write about it.
This poem is just a small part of a bigger document but I thought it was worthy of its own posting
Unfortunately the document in question is too large to post in its entirety so maybe I will have to post it in sections as I was going to post a link
As a small bonus I have also re wrote the Teddy-Bears Picnic to fit in with this situation I hope you enjoy them thanks for reading.

Coffee Becomes A Picnic:
If you go down to the lake today well that is a big mistake
If you go out for a walk today there's officers on the make
For ever cop that ever there was will gather there for certain because
Today's the day when coffee becomes a picnic

Every bent cop will be there to take your treats away
There's lots of marvellous things to steal including your steamed latte
Beneath their knees whenever they please
They'll lurk and prey then issue large fees
Cos that's the way the coppers define a picnic

Picnic time for two young girls
It's only two young girls walking around the park today.
Stalk them, catch them unawares
It's no picnic when drinks go astray

There are many cops about
So don't you scream and shout
They're arresting women in pairs
By six o'clock you're treated like baddies and they'll take you instead
Because they're trained in illicit affairs

If you go out for a walk today you better go on your own
It's lovely down at the lake today, but your safer to stay at home
Cos every cop that ever there was will issue fines for certain
Because the day has come when coffee is now a picnic
kirk Jan 4
Christmas time is here again, but it's lost part of it's cheer.
It's not how it's supposed to be, or like it was last year
Some families are being kept apart, Some people are alone
Outside dinings not ideal, when you freeze to the bone !

Catching a chill must be allowed, no matter if your old
Government's they just don't care, if you die from the cold
Days reduced from five to one, there's no standing by convictions
The ones in charge just cannot help, enforcing new restrictions

Authorities can bend the rules, but we can't compromise
Scare tactics are always used, mixed in with all their lies
The Christmas spirits calling you, our festivities are broken
I don't believe a single word, that Downing Street has spoken

What happened to humanity, amongst the policies of blindness
Even Scrooge he was redeemed, from the milk of human kindness
Past Christmases they seemed so good, compared to the Christmas present
The future doesn't have a place, if lifes forced into unpleasant

Sat alone can not be grand, for a person's mental health
No love for forgotten hearts, lonley on a dusty shelf
I'd rather take my chances, and extend a helping hand
Because that is so much better, than a devisitated land

So pour yourself another drink, and then raise up your glass
Toast old Boris with this chant, Hay Johnson kiss my ****.
Take a sip of pure contempt, signed with one mighty pen.
"Boris Johnson **** right off", please vacate number ten

You are no longer needed, we're sick of your ******* face
All you have done is to condemn, the entire human race
So take your stupid hair cut, this is something we all yern
Tied to a stake where witches stand.
And we'll all watch you burn
Written for Christmas 2020
kirk Nov 2020
For God sake Mr Johnson, we can't take this anymore
It's seems you cannot help yourself, when it concerns the law
Do you intend to keep us all, behind our own front door ?
What happens if there's no vaccine, and we don't find a cure ?

People are still people, and this is no way to live
Local lockdowns just don't work, but more are still forthwith !
The killing of our livelihoods, is what we can't forgive
I believe the official stats, are nothing but a myth

It's all to do with keeping tabs, and global mass control
Restrictions on humanity, seems to be your outward goal
Don't go out and socialise, we no longer have the sole
Freedom of the beating heart, is what authority's have stole

Forced closers of our industry's, well it's just a bitter pill
Intentions are not honourable, when you don't foot the bill
Your decisions make us victims, and we've all had our fill
Months of being grinded down, mangled through an endless mill

There's billions of people, and we've had the rule of six !
But it's okay for governments, when they all want to mix !
Stop throwing mouldy carrots, then hitting us with sticks
Your not immune just because, you've had your Weetabix

What's the point in guidelines, even when you have complied
The cases are still rising, and people have still died
You don't lead by example, because you have no sense of pride
But we get fined and chastised, if none of us abide !

Your promises are always false, your nothing but a fraud
Most of us did what you asked, and this is our reward
Little progress has been made, still nothing has been scored
I'd expect a dire outcome, If you live by the sword

Football matches are exempt, from all the rules you set
Increasing numbers seem okay, when they gather round the net
Anything attached to sports, are not part of the bet
Disbanding and a standard fine, is what they deserve to get ?

Personally I don't much care, if your in a group or crowd
Stand up for your human rights, and do it loud and proud
The only issue that I have, is I am not allowed
Promises are meaningless, when none of them are vowed

So there are groups of people, why don't you leave them be
Major crimes are being ignored, and none of us are free !
We don't want overzealous cops, placing necks under their knee
I can't condone excessive fines, when it's such a hefty fee

The media is littered, but it's us that pay the price
If we don't adhere to stupid rules, or follow your advice
They almost alter daily, so how can they be precise ?
Is every course of action, a random number on a dice ?

You seem to have an insight, perhaps your drinking from the keg ?
Or you have a secret bloodline, and your mother's Mystic Meg  ?
Are you psychic or clairvoyant, is Nostrodamus old Nick Clegg !
Stop rubbing on your magic lamp, and abusing the prime peg

How do you know future, because you always have a date
Specific times for hair brain schemes, but you are much too late
We should have acted sooner, and closed our borders gate
Instead of ever changing laws, and creating a police state

It's a wonder there aren't storm troopers, barb wire nailed to the wall
Steel bars attached to our windows, iron maidens in the hall
Camera's installed in every room, Big Brother's now on call
Problems caused by men like you, the biggest threat of all

We're sick of being prisoners, and treated like we're fools
And Boris changing policies, with the constant change of rules
First you can and then you can't, with restaurants, pubs and pools
You don't mind the university's, or the students risk in schools !

It's arrogance that makes you think, your choices are correct
The reality of your actions, well it's simply pure neglect
You never really had a clue, but it's what I would expect
Society has been damaged, so you don't have my respect

Your half arsed decisions, why are they so on trend ?
They've hardly been effective, they just drive us round the bend
I'd rather have the holocaust, at least it had an end
A regime based on fascism, is the wrong message to send

Take a look at number ten, why was you even hired ?
You've had a taste of power, now your no longer required
Drawn and quartered hanging high, and then you should be fired
So get down from your high horse, cos even they get tired

You should retire from office, because you are far too keen
Give somebody else the chance, who isn't half as mean
Spend your time brown trousering, while bumming England's Queen
He wants to be elected, cast your votes for Mr Bean

Innocent pawns are sacrificed, but you don't take the blame
We're just the broken chess pieces. from a long discarded game
Sadistic orders are dished out, it's always been the same
Your more threatening then Corona, and you relish the acclaim

Liberty has been destroyed, now we're laid beneath the drapes
The iron curtain has returned, so has more sour grapes
Walking on smashed eggshells, watching every step we traipse
It looks like we're getting closer, to the Planet of the Apes

Petri dishes are unleashed, we've been thrown under the wheel
Your worse than the pandemic, because you have far less appeal
The ******* dictators, they just love to hear you squeal
Why should people waste their life, waiting for the world to heal ?

Heart attacks and lung transplants, are still on the doctors list
But ever since this came along, they hardly now exist
You've lost your cancer patients, now their slipping through the mist
Other ailments pushed aside, that's why we shake our fist

Where are the infected, and where are all the dead ?
Statistically it don't add up, I'm not taking it as red
Isn't there supposed to be, this huge big massive spread ?
You may as well ask a horse, The famous Mr Ed

It's a never ending cycle, and this could go on for years
The evidence of scientists, some advice falls on deaf ears
We can't be very sociable, we're a country split with fears
Pandemics shaped like wedding cakes, will always end in tiers

We've followed guidelines from the start, but progress has been none
Situations are now worse, so what good has it done ?
Forget the shackles and restraints, don't hide away or run
Yellow bellies face your fears, that's how the west was won

Come on now it's gone to far, so please give it a rest
We're basically the fall guys, cos we're under house arrest
Something's wrong with mental health, and you should take a test
Nurse Ratchet would be welcoming, if you flew the cuckoo's nest

What goes on in tiny minds, your thoughts are quite unjust
You're very good at ridicule, but much better at mistrust
Leisure and small businesses, are breads burnt at the crust
Perhaps you will be satisfied, when this planet's turned to dust !

Your no different to Napoleon, a claw that always grips
And you sound like Adolf ******, with dictation on your lips
Is Joseph Starling someone else, you acquire some of your tips ?
To toe the line you could use chains, and braided leather whips

We've tried anti social distancing, and masks upon our face
Kept away from people, and gave them their own space
Thousands have been wasted, on the worthless test and trace
It's criminal what you have done, against the human race

You dare to index people, and place numbers on their back
Or filed away and categorised, just to keep us all on track
It's the simple minds of pettiness, and IQ's that you all lack
There's talk of herd immunity, but not every sheep is black

All of these new amendments, are made up by useless jerks
High wages paid for scare tactics, to stupid little Berks
It isn't really guaranteed, that any of it works
Their only interest seems to be, the money and the perks

Propaganda is your standard, for that you are renown
Your only answer seems to be, is everyone lock down
Our lives are left in ruins, while your watching us all drown
We'd be better off with Roland Rat, and not Coco the Clown

Never mind Covid nineteen, because you have caused more harm
You have us clutched and running scared, inside your smarmy palm
Creating thoughts of suicide, is the smug side of your charm
It's too late to make amends, once you have chanced your arm

There's no consoling anyone, there's no shaking of the hand
Other households cannot mix, and all our friends are banned
Are your heads are up your assess, or buried in the sand
It's big fat cats and bureaucrats, who's threatening our land

We're sorry Mrs Thatcher, if you came back I'd be glad
You wouldn't try and lock us up, or treat everyone so bad
They said Rasputin was insane, and the Impaler known as Vlad
Perhaps their methods were extreme, but at least there iron clad

I've never known a virus, that knows the time of day
Curfews set at ten o'clock, watch out it's on the way
Lurking in the hedgerows, while it's stalking late night pray
Time itself makes no difference, to keep the bugs at bay

It knows your pigmentation, it knows your young or old
The difference between day and night, and if it's hot or cold
We've found a superior life form, put the printing press on hold
Downing Street has met it's match, because it's you who's being controlled

World leaders should now move aside, Trump, Johnson and Farage !
Your days are up, you've lost control, Corona's now in charge
It's telling you where not to go, and spreading like soft marge
The ancient mariner beckons you, to step onto his barge

So you've had the virus, well take a run and jump
No one cares about your hide, your just a worthless lump
You have less intelligence, than a forest full of gump
Why don't you just ****** off, we don't want you Donald Trump

Similarities with the PM, is Boris a clone or twin ?
Perhaps your a strange experiment, removed from a surgeons bin ?
You don't get votes for sympathy, by infecting next of kin
Extortionate hair is pointless, when it still looks fake and thin

Economy's have suffered, but I don't think that you care
What justifies seventy grand, spent on your stupid hair ?
Average citizens pay their tolls, raw deals are never fair
Why should we all cower down, just to breath in toxic air ?

You could've spent two fifty, whole grain would work a treat
Thirty biscuit's in one box, is value you can't beat
It would be ten days supply, cos three would look quite neat
All those taxes would be saved, if you used shredded wheat

Who's bothered about your progress, our phones have been infiltrated
Text messages are unauthorised, about someone who's not rated
Come on now and get real, your policies outdated
And that's because your past your prime, and crossly antiquated

Situations you don't grasp, for you they're out of reach
Like the idea of a syringe, full of domestic bleach
You can try your own vaccine, and practice what you preach
And spare us all from irony, and another ******* speech

Don't ever lose at poker, because times are getting hard
It could result in the U.S, playing their Trump card !
You wouldn't want old Donald, or Boris in your yard
So raise up your defences, and don't ever drop your guard

Isolation is not natural, it's like two peas in a pod
Vicious nets of pure deceit, captured in a school of cod
You have the same complexes, cos you both think you are god
But you are just the didymen, and modelled like Ken Dodd

I simply have no interest, in the updates on the news
Or agendas on scare mongering, or any of your views
The headlines in the papers, should be hung in loos to use
Why don't you go and swivel, on two splintered snooker cues

All shops are essential, and no business should be shut
No forcing pubs to close there doors, no wages to be cut
Stop acting like a ******, and being King Tut's **** !
I never knew a double act, created Fruit and Nut

Where was you both created, do you share half a brain ?
You and Boris cause us all, an extreme amount of pain
Lightning surely does strike twice, we hope it never strikes again
It's the nonsense thoughts and policies, of the criminally insane
Well what can I say, this whole thing started in the beginning of October approximately one month ago when my mother received unauthorised notifications on her mobile phone about Donald Trumps progress after contracting the virus.
At the time I wrote a few lines about our Donald and it was intended to be a short poem solely about him of just 4 stanzas.
However as I began to write and situations were forever changing I found myself having other thoughts on other subjects.
Over the past month it was a bit longer than I had planned and I told myself I would stop at 15 verses or stanzas this simply did not happen as it soon went over the intended number.
This happened a few times from 25 to 35 to 42 and finally 50 and even though I had a few more ideas I decided to stop at this point.
This is just some of my own opinions and views and if they are not yours then that's fine neither of us are wrong and neither of us are right its just one individual viewpoint. if you do agree with some of it them that's fine too and I thank you for your time and for reading. lets hope our current situation eases soon for all our sakes
kirk Jul 2020
You have a look about you, that is far beyond compare
I love your skin complexion, and I love your silver hair
The fact of your maturity, you know that I don't care
A certain kind of beauty, is so wonderful and rare

Is beauty on the surface, or a shallow point of view
Attractiveness is what I see, every time that I see you
I can never get enough, but that I think you knew
There isn't anybody, that can do the things you do

Age it doesn't matter, and to me it's no red flag
Your a golden oldie, and you've never been a hag
I class myself as lucky, so I hope I'm not a drag
Who cares what other people think, when their fingers start to wag

You may think that your haggard, but you always look so fine
I think your rather ****, and your body is devine
Much tastier than mature cheese, and better than red wine
There's nothing wrong with older girls, their better by design
kirk Jun 2020
A good man has been taken, you are a real good friend
Threads of life will always break, those rules we can not bend
Your resting in eternal sleep, why do the good things end
And Life itself gets torn away, chipped pieces that won't mend

Another friend has left us, like the sunshine leaves the rain
Our only comfort's your at piece, and your free from your pain
Heavens gates will open, and you will walk a mystic lane
Your memory will live on, until we all meet again

Why did you have to leave us, why did you have to fall
Everyone will mourn your loss, as your called to the great hall
Now that your no longer here, it will effect us all
Goodbye my man, my old mucker, goodbye our old friend Paul
For another friend who has died
kirk Jun 2020
A local lady would be nice, to reach my ****** peak
***'s, Gilf's and ****'s, and girls with extra cheek
You don't have to be a model, with an hourglass physique
I'm not concerned about your looks, or if your fat or sleek

If you are a willing female, then I would not hesitate
Entice me with your nakedness, and through your garden gate
Whether you are young and slim, or old and overweight
That doesn't really bother me, when we kiss and copulate

Big birds that need stuffing, old ladies with grey hair
I am not superficial, and I really do not care
Borrow me for favours, take me deep inside your lair
Invite me round I'll be discrete, and you can strip me bare

It wouldn't matter if your a *****, or an ugly looking skunk
Or if your a smoking crack *****, or an alcoholic drunk
As long as we can go *******, and squirt our lovely *****
And you don't mind an average Joe, that's not much of a hunk ?

******, swingers and brash chavs, bent over kitchen sinks
Inhibitions will be lost, after one or two more drinks
Fluids flow but I'd still go, into a hole that stinks
If I went there I would not care, what anybody thinks

If your hygiene is lacking, I'd just think what the hell
A sweating body against mine, with a ***** that works well
Extra **** is always good, when both of us can jell
Our pheromones would be increased, and I really love the smell

I may not be that handsome, or the cream of the crop
But getting older does not mean, these activities should stop
Take me any way you want, doggy or ******* top
Forget about party balloons, because the rubber will go pop

****, oral water sports, they would be such a treat
Especially in the same town, next door or the same street
Young maidens might be succulent, but they'd still have to compete
With the obese and elderly, because their so tasty and sweet

Don't waste time just searching, if you really want a man
Lifes too short to hesitate, lets get it while we can
**** mothers are just fine, as well as your Nan or Gran
And obese cougars are ideal, I'm a fat old woman fan

Large ladies are most welcome, so are haggard drunken tarts
And grannies that are ******, who perform in carnal arts
I wonder should I advertise, in Exchange and Marts ?
With all of the old bangers, and neglected lonely hearts
I was never happy with my short poem Lonely Hearts written in 2017. When I looked at it recently I decided it wasn't good enough so I have completely rewritten and extended it. The original version will remain for reference purposes comparison and dexterity. However it will be removed by the end of the year
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