Would you tell me something, please don't keep me in suspense
I don't mean any upset, or make anyone feel tense
Usually I'm not bothered, I'll stay sitting on the fence
But for once, I just thought, I'd offer my two cents

I'm curious if you're aware, we're driven up the wall
Every time that you decide, to slow down to a crawl
Your almost paralytic, and you're never on the ball
We've seen slow moving objects, but you easily beat them all

Perhaps you are not conscious, and you aren't even awake?
Have you run out of petrol, have your pads seized on the brake?
There's nothing left in Staniforths, you've taken too much cake
Don't even get me started, on that stupid noise you make

I thought it was the Bisto Kids, who's come to join the party
The gravy's done, but just hold on, you need to be a smarty
We all know you will be first, because you're arty-farty
Your goal is a supper bowl, that's usually quite hearty

Let me tell you something, and I'll try to be precise
It's just a little peice of mind, a small piece of advice
Never hold your horses, if your sinking through thin ice
You'd only come a cropper, when it's us you sacrifice

You have this annoying habit, of just getting in the way
It's not even on occasion, because it happens every day
Do you have two broken ankles, are your feet stuck in set clay?
What exactly is the problem, what is causing the delay?

I suspect you may have parkinsons, or you're riddled with senility
Or are you attempting feebly, to Insult my sensibility?
Jesus Christ you've come too far, with inactive inability
The result of which is certainly, an impending liability

Why are you pacing back and forth, it's a cross contamination.
The last supper comes to mind, cos there is no explanation
If you scrutinise, I feel betrayed, with your food examination
You're like a giant tortoise, on a lazy stay vacation

We can't get to the cupboards, we can't open any door
The sideboard is a waste of time, your blocking every drawer
Sandwichs are on the move, crumbs fall down on the floor
Place your bread on porcelain, that's what the plates are for

Do I have to grow carbuncles, while I stand about and wait?
We don't need a running commentary, of what's on the buffet plate
It takes the **** at ten o'clock, when you stared out at eight
A Standing Charge should be enforced, set at the highest rate

Six eggs in a basket, what's in the cooking ***?
Tomatoes on a flat bread, thats a lovely fresh shallot
Potatoes with warm butter on, we're hoping they stay hot
I think I better call the Doc, and he will say Great Scott

Maybe you can't help yourself, and this is not your fault
But come on now it don't seem fair, when it causes a revolt
Is there any reason, why you're grinding to a halt?
You need a ******* cattle ****, or a massive lightning bolt

There doesn't seem much point to this, when everything's so slow?
You seem to be oblivious, and you don't even know
Will you collect two hundred pounds, somehow I don't think so
A Monopoly on standing still, cos you never will pass go

An arcade with all the classics, is where you ort to be
Then you could indulgence yourself, in a forgone guarantee
Mommy quick, I just can’t wait, give me a 50p
I know it will be challenging, to a very high degree

First there will be Pac-man, in a geriatric aider
Power pills will be no good, if your a ghostly masquerader
Donkey Kong will wait to long, for the dithering crusader
But your stuck and you've become, the ultimate Space Invader

Around the world in 80 days, there simply is no chance
***** Fog would just say no, without a second glance
You always appear stationary, and you're usually in a trance
If we started off from Dover, we would never get to France

The balloon would just come crashing down, because the airs gone cold
Rheumatism would set in, as Mr fog turned old
Poor Phileas would lose his hair, his head would just be bald
You'd make him wait, you'd seal his fate, his youth would be annulled

You've mastered the pure artform, of the dawdling Dilly-Dally
Good job your not a *******, in a seedy dark back ally!
I wouldn't dare to enter you. . . in our local summer rally
You'd only stop to analyse, the foliage in the valley

Don't hang around indefinitely, because we're all getting thinner
A hot meal would be nice, instead of a cold dinner
Be courteous to others, and we're onto a sure winner
It isn't very popular, when it's you that is the sinner

I sat here waiting patiently, so what's it all about?
Sunday launch took far too long, oh come on you old trout
You cannot reach a bean or pea, or a single brussel spout
**** this **** I'm off to bed, I'll ****** go without

Why are you so meticulous, cos it causes so much friction
To be frank when your a guest, it's not your jurisdiction
Its utterly ridiculous, but I will stand by my conviction
Please vacate the area, and get out my ******* kitchen

Stop hovering around the hob, and by the feeding trough
Your slower than a garden snail, your like a wingless moth
If I wasn't such a gentle soul, I'd tell you to *******
Perhaps your part Banana slug, and the slowest Three-Toed Sloth

Have you ever had that feeling, when frustration is let loose?
Or an awkward moment, that has really cooked your goose?
You cannot save my Bacon, if my hands are full of juice
My heart sinks when butting heads, are too close to the noose

When your waiting for your breakfast, and you're driven to the brink
Just because there are those minds, that hardly ever think
Do I have to sit and fester, cos my digits ******* stink
I'm being blocked from running taps, and every ****** sink

There wouldn't be a problem, if there were no kitchen clinger
What the hell there is no chance, when certain parties linger
Never mind my sopping palms, or my little pinky finger
The lavvy's always occupied, and the bathroom's a dead ringer

Greasy paws are not ideal, when all taps are obscured
And my plight to being clean, is simply being ignored
Out of three there seems no way, that one sink is secured
Don't mind me it's just my house, but even that is flawed

Why do you have to dawdle, like a sunken ocean liner?
And use the kitchen like it is, a ****** all night diner
Don't mess with me and I promise, I won't become a whiner
There are some chairs and I can't think, of anything that's finer

It's not as though there is no room, and you're stuck on the ceiling
Why are you standing in the way, like you are Dolly Dealing?
I'm sorry but I don't find, my dripping hands appealing
That's when I abruptly realised, that I had that sinking feeling

You'll always be my precious one, you know I really cared
I think about the times we had, and all the love we shared
Why does our health diminish, why could you not be spared?
I hope there wasn't any pain, I hope you wasn't scared

You seemed to age quite rapidly, I watched you go downhill
The struggle of the last few weeks, I knew you were quite ill
You fell into eternal sleep, it was such a bitter pill
And I would do most anything, for you to be here still

Why is life so hurtful, why do loved ones have to leave?
Most of the time feelings suppressed, but all the time we grieve
Another peice is torn away, which pain cannot deceive
Lonely feelings cloud my mind, but that's all I can achieve

My precious one I'll miss you, I wish you were still here
Losing you is deeply felt, with all that I hold dear
Since you left, your in my mind, with every single tear
You would lay right by your side, and I would feel you near

You're no longer on the sofa, or waiting by the door
The bowls will leave an empty space, upon the kitchen floor
A wagging tail I will not hear, and chews will be no more
No barking at the passers-by, or shaking of your Paw

Cupboards will be empty, they'll be no treats or bones
No more early morning walks, no turning of life's stones
A disused toy neglected, that a dog no longer owns
Time is hash on those you love, it only lends and loans

All I feel is emptiness, because I knew you would depart
You'll always be remembered, cos you're locked inside my heart
I'll keep you in my memories, so we'll never be apart
What I really want to do, is go back to the start

I know I'm being selfish, but I am far from done
There are more precious moments, and more days left in the sun
Another jumped in window, and more lengths to be run
So I will never be quite whole, without my precious one

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, what the **** do we have here?
Your designation is unknown, and it isn't all that clear!
Are you a Homosexual, or some kind of a Queer?
Maybe your a powder puff, who takes it up the rear?

I'm sorry Sam I'm not quite sure, what you are meant to be!
Are you a **** or a Tom cat, or combined he and she?
Things may change, but now you say, you are none binary
Just because there's fake options, which doesn't impress me.

You look like **** but that's okay, it clearly is your goal
And it is good that your outfit, looks like a toilet roll.
Do you stash a little Sam, or is there just a hole?
Or could you be a Nancy Boy, inside a Barbie Doll?

Why don't you wear a *****, you could join the local creche
It's better than that corset, because your pressing too much flesh
The bulging is not flattering, and it really does not mesh
Even Frank 'N Furter had panache, and his sausage is still fresh

The front is just disgusting, you simple have no class
You may think your being diverse, but really your just crass
Does being dull come natural, cos your like unpolished brass
What you say, well no one cares, so blow it out your ****

Your hardly inspirational, and your clothes look like a rag
A Wooly woofer comes to mind, so does a bent gay ***
Perhaps your just a fat guy, who is terrible in drag?
I don't think you are progressive, your more like a ******* lag

For ***** sake Sam it seems your cards, are missing from the deck
But it's said you were conceived, from a creature known as shrek?
Well, well, well if that's your source, then what do we expect
No wonder people look at you, and say "what the ******* heck".

Even ******* have some brains, it isn't all that tricky
But it's entirely possible, that your mother was Queen Vicky
Fairy cakes are the results, from monarch's and green dicky
Your nothing more than just a ****, and classed as a Doohicky

You'll never be a legend, and your hardly just a myth
Because your act is wooden, and your singing voice is stiff
I think I've found the answer, so I'll never plead the fifth
Since you are a mixture, your the legion of Sam Smith

Brother Jim we'll miss you, your the best we ever had
You was more than our big brother, When life started to turn bad
We lost our loving father, you were like a second dad
Now your gone there's emptiness, and I always will feel sad

Why do life clocks falter, Why does our time unwind?
It only causes upset, for the people left behind
You were very gentle, and you always were so kind
Our feelings are being tested, and our minds are misaligned

A pendulum that does not swing, A spring that has uncoiled
Rusted cogs that have now seized, will never be well oiled
The second hand's stop ticking, and a single chime is spoiled
You can't outrun life's passages, because time cannot be foiled

Chances are against us, and life is way too short
Time itself is by your side, until we all get caught
All of us are grateful, for your love and support
Because you took care of everyone, without a second thought

Rays of hope have left us, and everything seems grim
You are our dear departed, now the sunshine has turned dim
Each time you were needed, you would go out on a limb
There'll never be a greater man, than our loving brother Jim

I love you my dear sister, I don't want to say goodbye.
Why did you have to leave us, why do the good things die?
Your in my thoughts you'll always be, a glint in my minds eye
A single tear I can't contain, so I won't even try

Whenever I feel lonely, I will search for the brightest Star
I will feel you near me, and I'll know just where you are
Although you are no longer hear, you just won't seem so far
Open wounds will never heal, and always leave a scar

A wilting rose is beautiful, even with a fallen petal
Thorns may scratch a jaded heart, and never will it settle
Jagged edges peirce my soul, they sting just like a nettle
Life is far too fragile, when our health begins to fettle

Mum and Dad are waiting, to take you by the hand.
They'll beckon you to follow them, towards the promised land
I'll think of you in every place, between the sea and sand
But you will have to wait for me, I hope you understand

Tell them both I love them, and I'm sorry to be late
But I will still be with you, as you walk beyond the gate
You will need their guidance, as they know you should not wait
And we will cry the lonely tears, of everlasting fate

One sun has set forever, tears hidden in the rain.
I know one day I'll be with you, and sun's will rise again
Until such time I will endue, cries of my inner pain
We will reforge our broken links, and reconnect the chain

We're fighting for survival, in a battle we can't win
Our journey's end as closer, to the point where we begin
I'll find you at the crossroads, where the road is running thin
We'll join hands and you will know, I love you Sister Lynn

Do you get a "buzz" from "bingo", or do you need something more?
A "full house" can be a strain, and sometimes it's a bore
You dont want a "chicken basket", uncooked and almost raw
Send it back and clear the room, then lock up your front door

Excitement comes to a "full house", when the fat lady sings
It's tastier with fleshy thighs, that wobble like oiled springs
Her "chicken basket " I would grab, as well as other things?
You'll get a "buzz" from succulent *******, beneath her "bingo" wings