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Sometimes I wish I married the first person I dated
And he treated me nicely
And I knew what it was like to be taken care of
I wish our first kiss was my first kiss
And it was sweet and simple
And when it came time for ***, he was gentle
And he didn’t mind when I got a little nervous in crowds or in the car wash
And he knew what to do when the rain cloud decided to show up  
He knew what would make me smile, he wouldn’t care if it took awhile
He wouldn’t care if I was quiet or loud or silly

I wish I didn’t have to go through what I did
I wish I made better choices in men
I wish my first kiss wasn’t sexually charged
I wish I wasn’t hurt the way I was hurt
I wish I didn’t flinch when any man nonchalantly raises his hand
I wish that I didn’t have to pick the pieces up and reassemble with some new additional pieces
I wish I didn’t have to continuously reintroduce myself to me
I wish they didn’t try to control, manipulate, and put me in a box
I wish they just accepted me for me

But they didn’t
And now I have some stories
And quite a bit of baggage
Now I know better
But I didn’t have to go through that
I didn’t want to go through that
I just want to start over
The thing is;
I don’t think the first person who dated me would want to date me
Because I am not that person anymore
She is gone
I let myself be in love once
Giddy and gleeful
Not butterflies in my stomach
But warm milk in my belly

I was devoted
I was obedient
I was his.

Until I decided not to be.
Because when you give all yourself over
You lose yourself
And now I have been gone for awhile
I have forgotten how to live

And at times I don’t want to live
It sits on my chest
Weighs down my heart
Until I no longer want to be present
Or have this present from the melancholy king

But I am growing again
And I feel my soul stretch
Like a cat after a cozy afternoon nap
And I am ready
And excited
Oh so excited for what will happen

But for now (and maybe for ever
-fingers crossed)
I do not want to be in love
I do not want to have a lover

For if being in love is a debt
I do not want to be in the business of it
It has nothing to do with me
I went to China
to find independence
Instead I was reborn

But I don't know,
I have weird sensations
that I am struggling with the problems
Problems I already solved

Or maybe I am just trying to censor myself
While all I want to do is-- me.
I never felt like kissing another person like this
It is like I am searching
Searching for your warmth
Searching for the enclave that I can rest my body
I want to caccoon myself in your love
And I pray to God that my love radiates off of me and your skin will absorb it
I am crossing my fingers in hope that I finally found a good one
I want this love to be successful

2 years later . . . it was all a joke
I never loved him.
He loved to sit in his depression while he thought I was just a poor foreign girl- child.
**** THAT
There are two kinds of mentally ill people
people who get ******* high off of this sick ride
like it is some kind of beautiful
It is like they get off on being ****** up
like ******* over someone has some grace to it
your ******* sick; cut and dry
that is all that is your reality.

and  then there people who are holding on for dear life
just waiting
waiting to die- waiting for the ride to end
it is like life is one big breath being held
When will it end?
It will never end

Mental illness feels like a penny that is stuck in your ear
an eraser eternally stuck up your nose
and itch that needs to be scratched?
do you want me to go on?

I do not like waking up on the bathroom floor every weekend
I do not like being suicidal every other year
I do not like being an nuisance to my friends and family
I do not like

I wish I did not want feel this way
I wish I was  more in control
I wish I did not see the shadows in the corner of my eyes
I wish I did not cry as often
I wish I was strong
I wish

I feel like a schizophrenic who only gets solace in music
but I am not,
I am just a person who is sad all the ******* time
no matter what is going on in my life

I think I will sleep now,
I am too tired to sleep.
My heart was not broken
it was my sternum
it was never set back into place
the scar tissue surrounded the unattended bones
and now it will never mend
The two pieces forever shattered
with their shards cutting into muscles

I have never felt love
I do not know what it feels likes
but I know how it feels to love someone
and be disappointed.
I never had a love of a mother
I never had a love of a father

And all I know how to feel is
hurt and pain
I am all alone.
Why is everyone getting black steal fences?
Is that like how the asphalt plant is hot topic in this stupid little town?
In the back of my head I stand screaming
"Nothing ******* matters! Nothing ******* matters!"
I would rather be in my own imagination
In my cognition
In my subconscious
It's better than this **** show called reality

Like this is how life really is?
Living in this dysfunction?
I wish I didn't have this personality
I wish I had a different life
I wish I was born in a different month
Or a different person
With a different smile and a different face
With a different body and a different job

This can't be what it's like?
I am so alone
I don't want to be alone
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