the glass jar
full to the brim; steaming
teaming with drowsiness

he left it
out
lid-less
7 pages ,
front & back
he said he had so much to say
he could've gone on for
biblical lengths
he drove 45 minutes out of his way
just to say
nothing
Only glare

he said he thought about me
for the last 3 days
even more at nighttime
in the dark room
unhinged; TV on
I unfriended him nervously
phonecall
phonecall
phonecall
phonecall
phonecall


voi­cemail

memories
of our every
phonecall
are etched in views
i stare
and smile at.

Art is opinion masquerading as truth.

When I draw a city, I am drawing the city of my dreams, just as the city that is does not exist.

Putting policy into words in the hopes of having yourself heard is not the point of the philosopher,

and should not be the end of the penman.

When I attempt to make the world see, I manufacture my enemy. We should seek instead to illuminate gracefully, to speak the words beyond the void of flesh, and to touch emotions that swim with depth

It will get us nowhere to make art political, of which it is propaganda and employed many an artist in the past;

whose dreams of good deeds became hung in a museum for all the wrong reasons, leaving a remnant of an unforseen circumstance hanging dry on an empty tour-guide phonecall

Descriptive yet lies

Argue the dialectic of truth than the present purfume of lies that is fumigated from the salivary discharge of a cetaceous yearning of ******* of thought, that leftover dream of God

That all things should be the same, that all minds should think that way-- if they were, we'd be done with the experiment.

Hello?

It’s been a while; I just want to say hi.
Work’s great, and I finally got my books!
Free two-day shipping with Amazon Prime.
Good thing I still live with mom; I can’t cook.

Oh my god, remember when we got drunk
That one night? My mom’s still mad to this day.
Speaking of her, she thinks I’m like, a punk.
Just cos’ I ****** my boyfriend. It was great.

My sister is coming to live with us,
and her boyfriend. Ugh, it’s so annoying.
God, there’s so much **** we have to discuss!
So what’s up?... C’mon speak up! Stop teasing!

Sorry, wrong number.

The silence awaits her phonecall
I sweat my fears away
Patience wears thin with every passing minute
Wonder how long I'll have to stay.

Gladly, yes, gladly through the screen
I saw your face for a hundred times
But now for the ring, love's unbroken string
Gathers itself around my one vice

And the vice is you
And yet you fade
Into the setting sun
And the music of the dead.

A kiss
but a brief encounter
of souls, through lips,
but how does a moment
contain such enormity
when falling in love
could taste like centuries.

because what's actually worth celebrating? well, i always celebrate another bunch of words, another litre of ***, and, most obviously: another tomorrow.*

for a long time now i have
seized to celebrate
birthdays...
    only this year have
i stopped "celebrating" easter:
coming from a traditionalist
family,
   with my great-grandmother
dead for several years
everyone in the family
joked: she said enough prayers
for all of us...
  my great-grandfather
   took the micky out her in
that lovingly joking way anyway
he used to say:
  you and your crows (priests,
that's the slang term for
a priest in poland) -
      i can't remember
  the last time i celebrated christmas,
or should it be called:
adverts from november through
to january marketing mecca
"holiday"?
    but it breaks my heart
with regards to birthdays,
   i don't celebrate it -
    fair enough up to 25...
but a bit like receiving voting rights,
i think people have the potential
to relinquish their celebration
of something that's cake-worthy
once the teenage years end...
nonetheless...
    on the dot,
         i receive the phone call
on the day...
    my grandparents...
      wishing me this that & the other...
and... that's it!
         it's actually more painful
to receive that phonecall,
   than to receive: no phonecall
with besh wishes and what not.
   i grew out the candles,
  the balloons...
                   what is to be celebrated,
may i ask?
              as the cliche says:
women lie about their age anyway,
if they found a way to avoid
the celebratory antics -
    me? i'm just waiting for my
grandparents to die...
             cruel, i know,
   but it's much more cruel to receive
a phonecall from them,
"wishing" me a happy birthday...
   day like any one...  
now, if i remembered squeezing past
the genital skin of my mother...
that would be something...
thankfully, man's faculty of memory
and therefore being conscious
comes much much later,
                 thank god for that.

too lonely,
too alone,

here I copy,
you're already gone.

Captured in the psych ward part 12



This was a weird day for Ron, you see, he has to make sure that all the patients
Get the right dose of their medication,and he likes to be friendly to the patients
Cause it's hard for him to be harsh and every time a patient came out saying I am
Charlie Chaplin or Jesus has healed me. Well Ron wasn't ready for our next person
Who was Graham Toad, and he lived a great life in Broadmeadows with his cat
Snowball, off the show the Simpsons and he had a lot of fun with snowball, every
Chance he got, he would throw him around making snowball snarl at him and, this looked weird for the neighbours to see and they hated the idea of this cat being out at night
And asked Graham very nicely to bring his cat in at night, but graham was a sucker
For having a cat out having fun all the time when he wanted, said, ******* ya old fogies
And then went inside and unknown to him, the neighbours rang the police to get them
To come over to teach graham about being nice to his neighbours, and when they came
Over graham said, ******* ya ****, I live my own life here, and if you don't like the way I
Live, you can *******, and the police said to graham, the neighbours are complaining
About you, you need to respect their wishes, to keep quiet at night, and graham said
******* pigs, I don't want you **** around here and then the police left and put snowball
Inside and graham and snowball were having a wrestle and the police were worried about the well being of the cat, and just sat down on his porch and he saw a very violent for a
Cat wrestle going on and the police walked in and said, I have to tackle this cat, you see
It's the dingo that killed Azaria chamberlain, I need to **** the spirit, it's spoiling the aura of this place and the police, put his hand on Graham's shoulder and then graham said I have to do this, and tbe police said, it's your little cute cat snowball graham, and the neighbours
Were watching like a pack of peeping toms, and as graham was being pulled to the car
He said to the neighbours, stop staring at me, you stupid stupid old clots, get off my fucken
Property, and get off it right now and then he pushed the police man down, and ran inside his house and locked the door and told everyone that, he will stay in his house forever,you
See, he said, I will be the judge if I am well, or not and there is no way known to man, that
The psych ward will ever get him and keep him in that psych ward, but the police rang the
Psych ward and they sent the doctor Ron cooper and they rang him up from the cafe
Where, Ron was speaking about the interview with Macauley Culkin he saw on YouTube last night and Fran said, what did he have to say and Ron said, nothing much, just speaking about writing a book and all that jazz, and them Dan said, that Macauley Culkin is a real
Troublemaker, but then Ron said, there is ** such thing as a troublemaker and we should
Be nicer, than those ****** adults of the 80s decade and then the phonecall came and
Ron was called out to Graham's house, to try and convince him to go to the psych ward
And he opened the door, but only to yell,,at the policemen to give his cat to him and then
Ron showed up on his doorstep and said, I don't think so, I know you love this cat, I don't
Think you are ever guilty of ever loving this cat, ok, but if you love him, you will let us take him off you, you see graham there is nothing wrong with being taken to the psych ward
You are sick, you need to be monitored on medication, and then Ron grabbed graham by the arm and graham said ******* ya ****, get off me ya stupid baby man, I want you to
*******, right now ok, if I do go with you, I want you to sleep the first night with me, cause
You go to your warm bed at night, thinking you are king ****, and Ron said, I would be breaking rules, if I did that, things could happen, and graham you are handling this like a
Coward, remember what ya dad used to say and graham said, yeah, my dad ain't around no more and I feel a bit insecure, with going to that psych ward and Ron said, ok, then he told
The police, to leave him here, but Ron said, he will take snowball back to his house and
He bought a weeks worth of cat food and a fish and chip meal and went home to rest
And fell asleep in front of the TV, with the cat running up and down the house, and Ron
Had snowball sniffing his nose,which made him sneeze


Sent from my iPad

Hi, it's me again. I'm sorry for still bothering you after all this time, but I can't help myself from picking up my phone and text you, because that's what I used to do all the time whenever I wasn't occupied. When I don't think of anything, I think of you. No, scratch that. I don't think of you only when I'm alone at 3 AM, I do too when I'm busy and stressed out with my job during the day. Even until now. I don't know if you still think of me though, after all it seems like you're really in love with her. Please take care of her and treat her as good as how you used to treat me, and I hope she'd treat you much better than how I used to treat you back then. I still regret all the words left unspoken inside of my head the moment you said you couldn't do it anymore and decided to walk away. I was shocked and sad, yet I couldn't say anything because I know I've always been the selfish one. It was all my fault. I ruined this. In that moment, all I could think was to finally stop being selfish and let you pursuit your happiness without being held back by me. Once again, I'm sorry for bothering you like this. I wish you well, because you deserve all the happiness in the world. Please let me know if you need anything from me, I'll be glad to help. You know you can always reach me out in a phonecall away, right? Good night.

*Read at 02:50 AM

i'm sick to death of this stinking routine
perpetual day time TV,
petty bickering
afternoon pub binges
hopeless job hunting morons everywhere,
i return to my hometown
to the place i was made, molded
created
and it suffocates me like never before
i think of the many reasons i left
they circle my thoughts for a long while
and then i'm left with one
one that overrides the lot
it takes a while to spit it out
because it's corny, it's stupid, it's not how we work
but
it's love
and the lack of it
the love here is in the mundane
the easy,
the norm.
it's not in the heart
the love around here lies in
television sets
and pirate DVDs
reduced chicken and new coffee machines
gambles on abused horses
saturday afternoons in the local
cheap holidays to Benidorm
a day trip to lidl
a weekday evening watching the soaps
a phonecall to a family member you don't care about
hours playing candy crush
the love has lost on us humans
the love here, it was lost on me too
it missed me out
they missed me out
it has instead transferred in this
reality tv, selfie indulgent zeitgeist
it has left our silly bodies
and i'm still clinging on
trying to dissapear from that
new century bubble
trying to pick up pieces
of that porcelain mosaic
that old style bric a brac
so long ago forgotten
pressure is everywhere
notifications beep
this tiny block of perspex
waiting to be touched
waiting to be in communication
with someone at the other side of the city
the other side of the world
oh what a sad existence
when all we love is through the inanimate
and not ourselves
but hey thats the way of the world
and we have to accept it
or hate it
because we can't do both
we have to accept our fast paced tumultuous society
always moving through space and time
at times, difficult
painful
hard
sore
but consumerism, capitalism and cronyism
it all exists in this big society
this 'we're all in it together' society
and it cant be ignored.

Captured in the psych ward part 5


You see Ron cooper and his ex Sally went on a cruise around noumea and New Caledonia and they really enjoyed that a lot and while they were on that cruise, brad was in a fowl tenoer cause everyone was watching the shows he doesn't wanna watch and Robert told brad that in life **** happens and brad said ******* and started to argue with the nurses saying he is the Buddhist messiah and needs to be given a special drug to take him to nirvana and he had a smart alek nurse say, I ain't religious, so I don't care and I think nirvana is a rock band not eternity ok patty walked in and said, I wanna see the nurse. And when the nurse came patty said, I have just came from Washington DC
And I saw president Obama and introduced mysrlf and he was proud to meet good old George Washington. You see. Well anyway thank you for that ticket to the states, it was muck appreciated and
Martin Kelly was banging the wall very loudly and saying you **** you **** you **** and Anne who was on the other side said as she walked past said you fucken stop banging on the wall you kid grabber or phedaphile yeah stop banging ya phedaphile or I wlll bash you up, I am going to bash you up, you see you can't hide here forever, one day the hospital will say your fit to go home but when I see you our there. Mate I will bash ya ****, ya stupid ****** phedaphile and Robert got up to take a **** and they bought lunch out and a fight between Anne and brad and Susan started to erupt and the nurses were having a hard time, they had to bring in the doctors with the ****** and lock them in their rooms abs Ron and and Sally are having a great time in New Caledonia waking around and Ron'a leg is getting better and you see Ron and Sally are really beginning to hit it off as they are in a pub having a scotch and back at the HDU. Brad and Anne were cursing at each other through the walls but both wanted enough power to break the walls
But they couldn't hear each other cause thru were on the opposite sides if each other and Susan went our and said shut up abe went over to the TV and said to Robert, we are watching TV, please don't talk to me. I ain't into talking to kids, so just keep your conversation. To a minimum and Patru roe said.  How about you shut up Susan, Robert is a funny little kid, I line him and dusab said ******* ya **** and then Kate walked around the whole psych ward and as she passed brads room she said. Why don't you shut the **** up snd Ron and Sally were having inter course in the cruise and
The new patient was being driven by the police to the HDU but this was going to be a strange situation you see young 19 year old jack Drendlw had ******* a 10 year old who teased him and it ended up killing him abd to that day the police have been trying to crack this ****** case and the boys parents were told that jack is mentally ill and isn't going to jail
And going  to the HDU and the boys parents couldn't except it so they stole a police paddy wagon dressed up as police men and took jack hostage saying he is going to the HDU and instead they took jack into
Their house and tied him up in their sons room and this was part of their plan to really make Jack suffer for what he did /and this is going to be sweet revenge and back at the hospital when they got the phonecall saying that jack wasn't there, well they rang the police and yes they knew where he lived but it would be a nightmare to get there and the next day Ron and Sally's ship was arriving into Sydney harbour and when they arrived there, Ron said goodbye to Sally who lived in Sydney as she drove him to the airport and then Ron boarded the plane for Melbourne and when he touched down, in Melbourne Ron gor his luggage and gor a taxi home
And dropped off his bags and before he unpacked he put the 3-00 news on nine and heard about jack being tortured by his victims parents but the police said jack was supposed to be at the rmh HDU  and Ron went straight there to see if everything is alright and he got theu and clocked in and went to the HDU and said what had happened, how did thus one fall through the cracks and the nurses seid that the family of the victim didn't like the idea of him bring sent here. Ya see it's too nice for him and Ron said they can't think they taking the law in their own hands like this and Ron went into the HDU to check our the patients and
Saw Robert and patty in rte common room and Susan and Kate knitting together in the dining room and Kate asked how was your cruise and Ron said, it was ****** good and my leg is healed and are you feeling alright
And they said yeah and then went to solitary to say hi to Martin and George and Anne and they said ******* **** and ajnne said did ya enjoy ya cruise and Ron said I Did and them said hi to brad and brad said ******* and when he found our it was Ron, the first question he asked was how was your cruise and do you know it's great that you can go on a cruise whole we are locked in here, you see you are like fucken Rupert Murdoxh with those poor foxtel suckers and then the dinner cart was coming out and Ron clocked off and went home and made some stir fry
And Singapore noodles and looked our the window and two young people were having a domestic and at first Ron said, I roll leave then alone but suddenly the bloke gor out
His gun and threatened to **** her and calked the cops and went down
To save the woman and the man has paranoid schizophrenia which was ****** obvious and it took 25 minutes for the cops to arrive and when they did the man was arrested and sent to the staton and the lady thanked Ron and Ron asked are you going to be ok and and she said yeah. And Ron went up yo her unit and sat on the couch and watched the TV and fell asleep on the couch
He has had a hard day


Sent from my iPhone

One phonecall? Alert the public
Who would you call in a stance of conundrum in case the sky's falling down?
Desperate measures in desperate times
I carry an emergency kit with extra ink for my rhymes
And a band aid for my lips to cover up the disease they diagnosed me with;
Of Spitting up filthy ****
Labeling ill kids,
With conditions made up like myths
Deluded? Please.
Excuses are sad pleas to ensure the public's attention skips the obvious.
So I'd rather lock myself away,
And use my notebook to convey my love;
For the person I'd dedicate one last phone call to.
Lock myself away like Anne frank in the attic and write so much fire it produces sparks
the static is electric; the rush through my veins has me lost,
In the cosmic abyss of my thoughts
While I'm lit... I concoct schemes to conquer mics
If you dissect my insides with jabs, I'll retaliate with clever forensics;
Cut myself open for the world to see,
That all I'd bleed is metaphors in overdose...
Infinite similes are the catalyst to my rhythmic metamorphosis

The most you left the house in a week
was a peek out the screen door
All those exposed scurry about out
there and falsely carry your irrational fears
You think they care to judge you ?
Are you reading their minds
from a passing bored glance?

half read pages cracked open spines
books don't talk back or have eyes
You watch tv all day long avoiding
real human contact .
So proud of the few phonecalls
that you make and take
as if you had allowed yourself
to meet outsiders from another world

Stop avoiding life and don't waste time on tv
organize , clear your clutter seize the days
these hopeful fresh days without obsessing
about things you can't change
exchange tv remote for will and action
come alive honestly out of your moonburned
pale skin
pity filled  shutin
go with purpose
brave worldly wounds and heal all at once

don't  be just a phonecall

I've stayed up for you
In my mascara
Just in case.
Again.

As, more alcohol than man,
Your hands stumbling over the keys like your feet on the ground.
You tell me I'm beautiful, but it's obviously not enough.
Money is too tight to cross the water like I've done.
But there's just enough for the pub

With someone who's not dad or brother.
This pause is a hint for you to tell me it's not what I think it is.
Your head lolls.
Oblivious to mine whirring.
Eyes widening

I hold back x's
In the hope that you'll notice that
You've ****** up.
You were right all along
I deserve better, but don't want it.

I've sat here patiently
An era long enough to gestate
This hate as I fall for you
And ask you kindly what's going on.
Only to get a vague answer,
A drunken phonecall
And a hiccup.

Just tell me what to do here.
If you want me to,
I'll stay
And be yours.
But I can't hover at the bar
While you go up for another drink.
I need someone of my own, not to be owned by someone.

I've stayed up for you
In my mascara
That's running.
Again.

We spent all summer together.
I slept til noon every day, which now I regret because I realize I could have spent more time with you then I did, but each day I woke up, I woke up to a phonecall with a voicemail to follow it up.
You would say “hey babe, it’s me” because you knew I had your voice memorized.
And even if I hadn’t, I had memorized the pattern we spent our summer following.
You’d call me while I was sleeping and wait til I woke up, and I’d call you before I blinked for the first time that day.
You could never wait for me to get ready, so you’d come and watch me as I picked out my outfit and put on my makeup while you proceeded to tell me each and every day that I never needed it.
But August of that summer, you left.
You went to bootcamp.
I wrote you every single day, multiple times a day.
And you replied when you got the chance, which wasn’t often but understandable.
And even though you are hers now, I keep those 12 letters you wrote me those 10 weeks away from home in a wooden box on top of my dresser because knowing they’re there brings me back to you.
To that summer we were so happy and in love.
That summer you took my heart.
And that same summer you never gave it back.

Till death do us part,
those we vowed,
we both promised.

I stayed true to my words,
I loved you,
respected and cared for you,
I worshipped you.
Tore my heart out of my chest,
and gave it to you.
You were my life, my everything.

For you, as well, stayed true,
to those very vows, I wish you haven't said.
You lied, abused every word you 'promised.'
Tortured everyday,
kicked, punched, pushed everynight,
you yelled and insulted at every phonecall.

You stabbed me.
Right where my love for you grew,
my beating heart,
wounded - on my ****** hands.

That very line,
did endure it's title.
Till death do us part,
and so it was.

A terrifying sincerity she would call it.
It was a struggle to carry
herself around in a world
so oblivious to her weight
I adore myself ,But not my life
she said to me over a phonecall
Beautiful were her soul
ore maybe souls
She was like a crowd
in her own mind.
Whenever she would enter a room
not only did her scent linger,
but her beauty stayed with whomever
that was lucky to catch a glimpse of her

signs
they're real
they're always there
nothing is a coincidence
I miss you
I call
you've moved on
without guilt
you don't miss me
and thats okay
because you deserve everything good in this world
you deserve to be happy
but it still stings to know
i'm just a phonecall
thats my sign
to get over you
get over myself
move on
stop crying like some stupid little girl
who had her favorite toy taken
move on
******* it
why can't I move on
it's because you're still real
still here in my mind
but for you,
no matter what you say,
science proves it
i'm just a phone call

jet planes fly over the roof
of my house and
rattle the window within the pane.
someone tiptoes to the cellar
to have a more private phonecall
with their significant other.
I lay on the couch, wrapped in a
grey robe on the floor above the
cellar floor.
Not meaning to hear every word
that you've been saying,
just too busy cracking
every bone in my body.
As the bare branches blow
on these trees from the breeze,
scratch noise on the glass breaks
and cracks.
Every way that I position
myself proves that dessert
was not meant for breakfast time.
And if you were to ask me how
I've been, I guess I would reply
that I've been better, but I'm fine.
Can not help but be thankful
to be here and alive,
however I often wonder what
it's like on the other side.
An old soul in a new age,
the colored song bird sings
from the golden cage.
Friends came and friends
went, at the end of the day I'm
glad I've got my back,
myself to make me laugh.
I remember how it felt to wear
my emotions on my sleeve,
to pinpoint every fleeing feeling
in between.
Flip every pillow to the colder side,
pick me up with your car,
let's go for a drive.

The snagged line grows taut
As I repeat the question
" Is there anything you want?"

House too empty , stairs too steep
She wants me back, I worry
"Weve been to ASDA , dont ask what i bought"

Saturday afternoon phonecall
"How are things?"
The reluctant tagline
"Not so bad"

Front garden going native
I set off down the cracked path
Doesnt want next door to see
I dont wave

TALKING THEIR LANGUAGE

June classroom, stir of voices
Arriva trains glide to the coast
Coffee needs filling, the last biscuit goes
This afternoon we look at idioms

Unpicking centuries, cultures
Somalia, Bangla Desh, Kurdistan
English remains official
Still a puzzle

"Speak slowly and clearly"
"Dont hit trees with sticks"
"Its a piece of cake"

The intricacy of language
Shapes ancient letters
"Lemon squeezy " chimes Messa
Our laughter is shared

That jazzy voice you handle from your lips
Is to be handled carefully. Well, it happened already
You took away every bit of somnolence from me
Suddenly emptied me, left me as a cunning child
Naughty enough to deprive himself of a night lavish with dreams,
To escape the sleep routine under the bed sheets.

And then your phonecall,
Breaking fragile silence like a hammer smashing glass,
I followed you beyond the ringing,
Discovered a trembling annoying voice.
You crafty devil, you planned my unsleeping all along,
Filling my ear with problems of all kinds and sorts
And the endless unsatisfactions of a life you never lived as yours.

So tired as hell, the phone hitting the wall,
Your voice remains, some sort of restlessness
Invades me and keeps me going all night long.

I shave, I’ve got but two hours before all cuts are healed
I put my sleep back together
Shard by shard,
Rebuild its slow glassy reflection.
My sleep is after all
A mirror which doesn’t often work.

The daylight knocks already
The nighttime fades behind me
No sleep tonight for poor devils or for me,
No sleep tonight at all.

Everyday the weather tastes like Amusement Park,
drinking a glass of milk right after brushing my teeth
reflects nice pop art, worthy of being hung on an imaginary wall!
she loves me
she loves me not
she loves me
she will riot,
surely!
I can already hear the fire.                 Where in the world is she now?
Making angels in the Moroccan sand or... (well that's just it, if I had any idea I'd tell you)
                                      "I hear she lives in a big heritage home!
                                       struck thirteen various colors, making
                                       paintings with her heart!"

                                      "No, no.. you got it all wrong! She's
                                       chewing on crayons and spitting out
                                       watermarks! Something to do with art, tho
                                       she was always fond of that stuff"

I'm walking past a bygone stucco house with a bold red sign plastered on the backyard entrance gate, it says
"BEWARE OF DOG"          across the street, a woman walks her Yorkie
                                               n' I laugh to myself.

Everything feels like icecream cones
or romance movies, I don't know.
All this traffic is flashier in the sunshine,
the leaves on trees are glossy, just like Indonesia!
(I miss it still)
Mailboxes have sudden whales on them, decorated with the ocean
or seashells or bikes leaned on an ivory fence          and something
as simple as a song can take you to a hot place where you can get away with wearing anything!
Maybe an exotic hat..

People always asking me, first thing they say
"Oh oh oh where is she now??"
your guess is as good as mine
I'm not gonna go looking she doesn't
want to be FOUND see
that ruins the whole point..
                 and really when I think about it
                 all of us are slowly disappearing

These are the days of bus stops without needing a coat, journal entries I find impossible to decipher in the months past when they were written,
                 souvenirs and misplaced phone numbers..
                 slowly evaporating to time
                 +  the sacred cross-continental.
Days of leaving my umbrella behind
to hang on the dusty closet handle,
yellow fading out,
that too, bygone.

Donovan's "Ferris Wheel" resonating thru my bedroom backdrop

                           "A silver bicycle you shall ride
                      To bathe your mind in the quiet tide"  

The bicycle comes closer by the day/
catching the heat of nearby July/
reflecting my decisions on it's mercury surface/

Somehow, my naive midnight Tofino phonecall to an
eyeless air been answered here,
in a different way than I expected
but no less appreciated.
Thank you.

i'm reaching my own very secondary hell...
this reach into... something of a nieche,
something of an echo chamber...
something of a jettison approach with regards
to almost everything...
the voice in my throat is no longer
necessary... some variation of:
this ethics and this "philosophy" is a bypass:
it's not a bypass...
i might just as well be "saying":
i haven't read a single book in my life...
which implies: i haven't read the required reading
either...
but i have read several books and...
among the contemporaries alongside
the shared breath... i have a library that's pretty
much a graveyard...
i'm hardly mastering some: in vogue...
old ideas come crashing down while
all the others are kept intact...
perhaps as honest as one can be...
i have... read... books... by... dead... people...
will alexander... a california poet is still
alive... i seem to have...
stuck to the living in the medium of cinema...
and music...
yet i still managed to balance it out
with a nostalgia for old cinema...
and old music, german, folk...
but i'm shy when it comes to:
darwinism explains everything right, and "wrong"...
i'm just practically tired
of being the turkey being shoved
darwinistic idea-stuffing down my throat...
i'm tired of darwinism...
long ago... a "philosopher" would be someone
who... overcame past mistakes...
or whatever...
one of my prime past mistakes?
taking a ****** relationship with frivolity...
if i wasn't using a ******:
she implored: don't use it...
god knows how she missed the *******
impediment to begin with...
i'll take contraceptive pills...
impregnation... phone-call...
i'm pregnant... well... you should get an abortion...
what were the chances that she moved
from novosibirsk to st. petersburg...
to edinburgh... that she would: settled for
moving to the outskirts of London and live...
with the parents of her would be:
father of the child...
and the supposed father being "merely" a roofer...
oh i've learned my lessons since being aged: 21...
the only honest **** these days
is with prostitutes... who are oh so careful about
contraception...
we would even talk about it...
since 21 and i'm nearing 34?
how many relationships apart from...
casually picking up a thai-surprise in a park etc.
how many? to be ensnared by:
a lasp in judgement with regards:
the ****** doesn't bother me...
the ******* does... but i can't be rid of it...
how many relationships?
0... i was given the moral scare from that
one... ahem... "relaxed" relationship...
pro-life implying: there's no guarantee...
this is already: a dollop of mustard on a spoon
as dessert if you please...
since 21 though?
it was always going to be a safe bet...
prostitutes...
hardly "*** slaves" as...
the women i know would not wish upon
themselves... a lottery of impregnation...
there could have been so many ways she could
have ensnared me...
pristine John i ain't...
but this period of time... nearing 13 ******* years...
wow...
wow... it tells you something...
because this pro-life contra pro-choice "debate"...
via: so while i *******... that's perfectly alright
in terms of: imagining a genocide with you?
because it's only life...
when coupled to a woman's body...
i don't like this pro-life argument...
not when there's "sensibility" concerning:
how far along?
contraception, yes...
but there has to be some time-reference
with regards... both parties can admit "oops"...
i don't see a point of:
i ******* there's no pro-life argument...
because i should be ******* "on a whim"...
since i... oh! this is the male argument...
i ******* into you... therefore you have something
of me... therefore you must have it...
oh... i see...
because i honestly don't get it...
if we made an honest mistake...
and you want to ******* into frivolity...
by all means... i'm no chain no baron and you're
no serf... matter of fact... this same girl is on
her third marriage... if i was her first and
we were engaged and she was 19 and i was 21
and, honestly... if you lived a life back in 2007...
it was ripe with magic...

but since then... that phonecall and: i'm pregnant...
and we were already beside being engaged prior...
and i was like: what?
it's not you're going to move down to London
from Edinburgh just for my looks...
she didn't say: i'll get it aborted...
i said: you should get an abortion...
a pro-choice man... at 21 and this litany of
excuses: mind one more?
to not have had ***... i proved that...
me and about 9 prostitutes proved that...
when there's a clarity of transaction...
there's no worry about contraception...
those precuations are prime...
the heart is a feeble liar when the *** is free...
imagine...
due for ***... but there's no...
"gifts"... there's no liar of the heart to mind
when... i have no excuses?
this happened 13 years ago!
i should have hoped to be freed from this...
"conundrum"...

scatological... william f. buckley jr. interviewing
allen ginsberg... and this word crops up...
it's somehow the covert expression fundamental
marker...
scatological... there's this avant garde of
poetics and how...
when poetry ascribes less images and...
teases philosophy...
that's no fair game...
but when philosophy employs short-cuts
with metaphor or imagery...
then words are no longer skeletons
and juiceless prunes... or whatever is demanded...

but that's the problem:
i only managed to love once...
or... rather... **** to the zenith of my efforts...
and bypass the goldberger skin-leash too...
because it was never about being satisfied...
but about seeing: satifaction...
and this old chestnut will haunt me
to the point where i will no longer be a chanced
ghost solo... but a ghost in a story...
and i don't mind the future...
i already know that i'm standing
a plateau plough moment of... resurrection...

for my time is no more linear than
the experience of gravity...
but... since i'm not falling...
and i'm either standing, walking, or sitting?
then time is not so much linear...
as it is circular...
after all: i am bound to a ******* carousel, aren't i
or aren't we all?
i was expecting circular time long
before people conjured up:
a pioneering linear "ontology" of time...
time moves "forward" without
the confines of history and within
the confines of technology!

after all: who to better the spoon!
the improved staff! a crutch!
the improved horse... a talking donkey!
but again and again:
why should my life be so precious
as to stand outside the circular nature
of time... to stand, alone...
in the prized linear...
from beginning middle and end...
why so?

of course the baggage and: if anyone, notably,
myself, should engage in any further
intimacy - beside the brothels' delights...
no... the money the clarity of transaction...
there are no flowers... no anniversaries...
i can't remember the last time i bothered
to celebrate my own birthday...
i tried that once...

what's pro-choice again, in terms of man
and responsibility or simply not *******?
13 years and that same cautionary tale...
i knew i wasn't going to make the same mistake
and relax myself into love...
because i don't think a woman should
be left barren with a pro-choice conundrum...
it's as if: you have to force the choice upon her...
otherwise it's called a golden ring...
and there's this whole flamboyant procession
in a church and two otherwise estranged families
come together and there's all this and that and
the other and afterwards the *****-licking
starts and blue and pink and a baby several months
later...

oh right... the argument it's a blessing
and that irish luck of a spontaneity should you...
when all the other couples are left
limping because of one wooden leg
among the four that should stand ***** and:
oh gaw on gaw on gaw on gaw on mrs doyle -esque?

imagine telling a woman: you should get an abortion...
because those contraceptive pills didn't
exactly do the magic...
and a ******* is already a discomfort when
you decided to learn from the Donatelos of
the boogie nights movie set that
peeling it back... for the aesthetics of a circumcision...
a ****** was the last of my worries...
well that's better than allowing a woman
to make that choice herself...
honest to god and st. patrick the gnostic gnat...

obviously i'm paying the moral consequences
of these words...
was it true is it true... it was a telephone call
and i was already busy trying to...
have to bother not... a chemistry degree is
worth as much as a humanities and this
bilingual status is not really anything
if it's not arabic or... otherwise...

why wouldn't i have made precautions in those
years?
if going to a brothel is a way to escape
the impregnation conundrum?
if for the sake of recreational ***...
*** without consequences... tennis ping-pong ***...
if that's what's being sold...
and not the monogomy quack-**** with
a boquet of moral verbiage...
yes... i made that mistake...
but why would i have a moral authority
over a woman's choice... she ghost jerks-me-off...
we perform genocide of ***** into
tissue... flush down the toilet with
crocodiles and we later baptise ourselves
as dove resurrected coming from the shower
having down the no. 1 no. 2 and no. 3
on the throne of thrones?

did i ask for my phallus to make
it into the ***** shortlist?!
i wouldn't think so either...
i'm no model with either a face or a little richard
for that matter...
perhaps men call it heart-break...
while women should call it...
fried-eggs...

a poultry abortion a day...
keeps the ****-of-cuckoldry away...
at least among professionals there's
never that: oh i like like likey...
let's have ourselves impregnated and then
kumbaya ourselves with: shtrong...

'cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it...

oh... i would have...
but... how does this contraceptive contract work?
'cause if you like it, then you shoulda
sly impregnate yourself or what the hell
am i talking about?!

ce-no-bite...
go figure...
because no ******* is some day-dream victim
of the feminist movement...
the ones that are killed, probably are...
if you had enough time to talk to any of them
without priest of psychiatrist nagging you...
lying naked... talking about a 15 minute quickie...
talk, lips, kisses of the eyelids...
inversion of sculpting a crude block of clay...
god's plagiarism etc. etc.,
is this even a celebration: oh yes it's a celebration
when two parties know the perils
and have contraception as their prime
concern...
not some loved-up happenstance
teenagers...
because wisdom is what supposedly happens
when you make a mistake aged 16 and
later, live to be 69 and utter some
*******-wanking's worth of a maxim!

and by god everyone who hasn't read
a philosophy book... thinks that philosophy
happens in old age... that philosophy is not
fashionable for the young... or the middle-aged...
how, old age, philosophy...
dementia... "wisdom"... it's also called
the optical illusion... or the detriment of youth...
since? at least a portion of the lessons
of life must be learned...
beside the technical relax of technical details...
the old lessons of life persist...
and these are always archetypical...
the archetype never dies...
that's its most demanding access...
to: if i currently had a 13 year old son
named... Isidore...

what? there was a Peaches Geldoff...
Isidore is an old name...

because what's the difference between
a pro-life man and a pro-choice man?
the pro-choice man sentences himself
for sisyphus with the claim of baggage...
i did not have the required
resources to claim a moral responsibility
for what would eventually become
an onomatopoeia of me talking to it...
that would transcend a more sorry
state that a new-born lamb...
that would learn to wipe its own ***...
that would not choke on peanuts...
that would learn to not be gullible...
not entertain friendship with good faith...
that would... at best...
become this shadow of solitude of its
father's own demise...
but i rather rob a woman of this choice...
that allow her to bask in it...
as it would be her, responsibility to undertake
such a choice...
again: if this irish reasoning stands...
this ****** reasoning stands...
me, tissue, toilet, flush + ******* = genocide!
but a woman oh a woman can
stream it! video it! she's shooting blanks!
so... a lapse... not until...
not until... is a ***-shot pregnancy readied?
how much can i own beside
these stones that i stack to fathom
a shadow and not a morality,
nor an architectural feat to overshadow
mountains using pyramids?!
well... among sand dunes you, you just might
figure out this wild dream,
this wild ambition!

i will still persist in lamenting that:
i own a private library that mostly constitutes
of death-ringers...
it's slyly called a necromancy...
they arrive in my lap as former living:
now ascribed to dead on paper...
and the dead that they are...
recoil from the ashes into the skeletons
of words: and they walk among
the living inside the horde that i am...

and as they roll in their ***** graves
to a dance most stupendous...
their eyes burning and their ears pricked
to attention over a raindrop
bound to savour the disgruntled sea...
in both the magnanimous effort
that pouring a liter of water overshadows
the raindrop... or pouring hot oil
and pork scratchings with onions
into a soup...
balloons perhaps pop! but that well-known
sizzle!

a body with the demand of
two shadows' worth of remark...
whether true, or fictional...
better my choice over her "choice"...
and the consequences?
both the realisation of responsibility
as the nagging curse of shying
away from them...
focused on? the lack of material
conventionality for:
the up-coming, better life...

hmm... learning from the past generation?
they managed to work hard
and sight the Maldives...
i? if i didn't travel solo?
would i have seen Paris?
Stockholm... Moscow and St. Petersburg
are not a given...
but perhaps this one last time:
before i go... to the Faroe Islands, one
day i might... i just might...

what gambit assurance?
the moral high-ground of pro-life...
for a child... that would live...
a life worse off than his father or mother?
the life-in-itself "argument"...
as far as i am concerned...
this verbiage should come to its own
conclusion any minute now...

it's almost strange to have to recount
something that's 13 years old...
lucky me, lucky year...
i'm still not convinced as to why
darwinism can be allowed to explain almost
everything in life these days,
esp. when mingling with sociological "issues"
and how everyone should be readied
for rubric testing their bible knowledge
as their knowledge of either Orwell or Huxley...

"philosophy" once the "love" of "wisdom"...
how does trivia come into all of this?
to have to amass an encyclopedic know-of...
i am, also, a trivia focused spew-recycle-machinery...
darwinism around every corner...
there's no scientific fact the public are exposed
to that doesn't have darwinism at its center...
nothing of scientific popularisation
is ever not about darwinism...

not even Einstein... once upon a time...
it has become so overtly: universally applicable...
in psychology... in...
yawn... if it doesn't have a darwinism patent...
it's either part of the dodo project or
an existentialist cul de sac...
and my god, this momentum...
oh it's certainly not wrong...
but it's always so right: so many times...

come to think of it...
i probably haven't read any books to begin with...
i shouldn't have...
all the ones that i have read...
are never going to be in vogue...
they were in vogue... 50 years ago...
60 years ago...
they're not in vogue now...
they might as well start yelling at me:
pretentious literary ***!
should have abandoned us in high-school!

oh right... there's till the living Knausård...
come to think of it...
who the hell discovered Stendhal in high-school
if it wasn't me?
come to think of it...
i took that ****** bus no. 86 every morning...
and i can only remember seeing myself
read...
back of the bus and that Montgomery boycot?
didn't really help...
the loudest always went to the back
of the bus... took some neo-**** blonde scalps
with them for ***** and screetching licks...
and... just ahead... a silence of reading
Taoist maxims...

nice to know... that i'm still able to write
such explosive spew...
counter inhibited and "thinking"...
this like any other...
mildly exagerrated with a whiskey stew;
rummaging and rummaging
over a brain-pickling!

I just have a lot of dreams
that are so much bigger than me.
Bigger than
a website,
a phonecall,
a degree.
Bigger than
how much I know,
what books I read,
or who I meet along the way.
I have dreams that are too big to reach
but I’ll reach them anyway.

(A wall with grainy, white tile misses being appreciated by the passive glance!)

This open Hotel window reveals the encasement of a city wearing its own
Labels stirring distinctly

Monochrome sculptures
Increasing eye the gradiant of
A voice
The dialogue of a coffin sleeping
And the
Waterfront smokes tired cruiselines and
Already wishes for Sundown & good spirits.

Some burdened Animal lept from
Its grindings of clean survival &
Has written an essay on

Fire in relation to psychological warmth
& the associative memory response to comfort

(The fireplace is your Childhood & lost Faerie Mother)

The lapse of this Tidal Concerto
As wet pebbles ripple over each other like Tokyo haircuts,

I am the collector of
Distant and missed opportunities

I keep them close as potentialities and not regrets

I have a fishtank full of drowned Bees
& phonecall revelations

As Humidity only sensed and not sweated
Boils from a desk drawer in the Summertime

LAUGHING STAIRCASES/
LOBOTOMY IN NIGHTMARES OF VICIOUS ORCHIDS/
THE CRIB HAS LOST ITS FUNCTION/

           A CRABSHELL HAS REPLACED
           THE PILLOW/
          
           MY TEETH ARE NUMB
           WITH YOUR KISS
          
           YOUR KISS ERASED BY
           THE SUDDEN SALTWATER OF A
           HIGHTENED MOMENT
          
           DO NOT RETREAT BACK TO
           BRASS SPEECH
           OR COMMON BELIEF


Stresses paused on
Gysins colorful meditations
& Nat King Cole sings of no
Orange Colored Sky instead
A silent rotating lightbulb
And the sensation of lifting off my chair

(few nights in a row of this ambience behind a glass door)

"-the illusion of existing on the edge of a comforting unalterable space and in being so close to it, I blend into it!
A man with a telescope residing on a mountain top can observe the town below in a detailed entirety. It's the larger and more obvious/physically active space. The mountain distant from the town is a space of reflection, where things are less chaotic. Where peace is more inwardly recognized in its external shelter. In the corner I have this illusory telescope and I am perched on the mountain, who's properties have flattened to the dimensions of a coffee shop, or a general interior. The wholeness of the mountain reserved to the confines of a dark corner. Behind the brickwork exists a vast valley where this mountain once stood in its humble yet ferocious silence. The space which now exists in an imaginary context. The expansion of darkness in front of us!"

           Come forth from that Mexican
           Practice
           Or the vengeance of a sobbing
           Hand,
           Friend

I, willing to play weary in
ur aztec smile/
Am to slip from a shivering
Elevator
To ***** my finger with a name

A name that I have never interacted with until now!

"UNE FEMME EST UNE FEMME"
Followed by gossiping
& accommodations
Downstairs,

I hope you wake easy to find my
Skinny hand warming you from December's hesitant grave.

is love
is it kindness patience understanding
is it bred from desire and lust
   just a word
something else
compassion and giving
   empathetic
a part of yourself to another
is it rough
            harsh
   sacrificing
grinding
stressful
     painful
between these extremes of
elation, joy
a 3 am phonecall
makes your chest burst open
and shatter you like a mirror
you'll see your tear stained face in
      day after day
become this jumbled jigsaw
of a human
be so attached to one person
   then one day
        not
and eventually love
someone else
or is it possible
to love two
and not let go
keep that clenched into your fist
           locked in a box
   guard it jealously
all those pieces
that can't be love
      .......can it?

with the most askance inspection
of the most
atomißed of man...

because what does... "fame" look
like in a small town?
i go the shop, the cashier "knows"
me... or at least i have
in possession...
a recognißable face
that can have immediate
impact,
   for whatever the worth
of recognition is worth,
                                   these days...

the nooks & crannies
of cliché tactics...
                  two girls lost in the night,
a stumbling wanderer
picking one of them up
after heaving himself
over
a public park fence...
exposed *****...
14...
         a black cat being cuddled
15 minutes later...
psychotic behavior...
finding the other girl
lying dead-pan face flat
at a bus-stop...
              a phonecall
to one of the girl's father
driving a black cab...
the guys getting home safely,
an IM from one of
the girl's mother: thank you...
the end...

was it necessary of me
write this?
                 don't know...
anything is worth bashing
a blank stare of a page,
intimidating me
to give me prompt...

i can cleave a slice off the meaty
dictum when it comes
to a small town dynamic
compared to biggie big-town
bad boy city...

fame...
          funny...
            i like claustrophobic
"fame"... imbued to a small town
interaction...
   oh sure... there is anonymity
involved...
  but the stage? recurrent...
the audience? non-existent.
the actors?
           blatantly bland
and repeateded beyond
the concerns of: the obvious...
  a granny doing shopping...
goes to the local store...
shops, talks to the cashiers...
returns to her home...
pretends to sleep,
switching on the television,
like...
  counting t.v. personnas...
shadow or shadows...
never mind the fact that she's
wide-awake...
         and there's "fame"...
the **** does fame juice-up-to-forget
about dynamic worth of:
the furthered conversation?
   small town...
yeah... you're famous...
when the supermarket cashiers
"know" your face...
or at least "being" recognißed...
   to have to starve for being
recognißed within the confines
of an anonymous crowd...
              like: being eaten alive
by zombies wishing for hyenas...
sordid crap...
  nothing Dickensian about it...
routine...
                            crisp cut off from
a missing paragraph...
that never was, that never will
be...
                    
modern, fame,
and that hybrid of the c.c.t.v.
mentality...
precursor, status worth,
the pre-aligned
sending of a postcard...
or a letter...
                 like...
'i almost tried to forget minding
my own double' (shadow)...
not that i would ever...
such the nature
of the big big, world...
and such the fate
of the little little, moi...

        big POP and
the little rock...
          one thing to **** against
the wind, one thing alotegether
to **** into a hurricane...
                 glaring
scoops of disgruntled shattering
to attempt to mend...

         fame...
                        famine in the mouths
of others...
   enoughs pigeons reading
to settle on a scoop of dead-beat
and we, have ourselves,
a democratic event!

           just when... god was never
an imaginary "friend",
or some leftover trait
of infantile leftovers...
         before that?
that parasite, is dislodged from
my mind,
excluded from giving me
some, if any, ontological focus...
i want St. Peter's to be toppled
to rubble...
      until then?
  then... who the **** is infantile
and who has me thinking
of a caged canary, to genesis with?!

big city: seeking fame...
little city: fame as the artefact
of familiarity...
some would call: metaphor:
claustrophobia...

            fame is not something
you will find,
beside... the clarity of
what big city provisions
you with...
an anonymous crowd...
no... little town?
fame?
        more like infamy...
oh for sure...
no kafkaesque novel
accomplice to support you...
either.

      nightmare:
anything, anywhere...
as long as it is bland...
    akin to... a supposedly
forgot, addition of,
necessary seasoning,
toying with the basics...
just... as simple as...
salt, pepper, bay leaf...
a whole all spice bud...

should i be seeking fame...
shoot me...
         any if all of...
only the past two years
has the journalist become
the status symbol of
a politician...
       equally not worth
being allowed a democratic
outlet
to begin with...

the day when
the word journalist = politician...
some people might
even suspect me of
amnesia...
  i wish it was amnesia...

             priest? long gone...
but of course
there's the propping
of the theatre...
           to ensure no truth
is left to be investigated...
as long as the murals
      the click-bait...
the mosaic sticks?
  
         as long as
a social contract...
a cordiality is solidified?
                   well!
what is there to complain about?
apart from a few
charlatans?!
   little town
come big city dynamic...
   2 centuries apart,
living, qua: in the same one...
paradox...
          
ever fold and unfold
an umbrella
quickly enough
to imitate the sound
of a crow
fluttering
its wings?
   you know: brrrr...
attempting to shake
off excess water from
the flight tools?
      
i couldn't handle being
boxed into a stereotype...
as i am...
still flirting with
         baron: anonymous;
once born
to be settled into
a grave...
             having to watch
some people agitate
the dead
        with their mea culpas
of... by the grave
a hubris...

           a recant...
the lighted candle...
the memory preserved...

or?
     hell... with the ******
on the conveyor belt...
NEXT!

       in these times...
even ghosts forgot to haunt...
all the schizophrenics are
like: no...
         beyond this world
beings talking to me?
so much... self-assurance...
everyone is taken
to silently gloat
about their telepathic
abilities?

      as old as the Cartesian
trinity... what? telepathy...
res extensa...
     extended thing...
   that's called telepathy...

me?
    i'm still trying to find the sort
of language that would
preserve me,
in continuing to burrow
something, resembling...
part-cipher
   and part-decipher (non-verb)...
all in all...
gesticulating between
overt metaphor,
and conscious of & when
a misnomer was
applied to bypass into
a waterfall, -esque,
                 fluidity of expression.

- this **** is not billboard
material...
what does it matter...
should it matter...
or will it ever matter...
          the grand choir composition:
NEIN...
                  its prime identity
of purpose...
    to never make it as text
worthy of a script
accompanied by canned laughter.

From flat number 40 on the morning of January 6th 2004 I removed myself from the situation.

I felt free that day taking photo after photo looking at the world with new vigour hoping to remind myself one day in the future that the sun peeping through leafless trees on a sunny winters morning brought more joy into my life than anything else at that time.

Out of the blue two weeks later I received a phonecall from you telling me you were moving out.

A week after you moved out you told me you were going to San Francisco for a holiday.

A day after coming back from San Fransisco you told me you went there with another man.

A week after that you told me it was your boss.

A month before you moved out you told me your boss earnt good money and that we never did anything together anymore.

On the night of January 5th 2004 I read a text on your phone from an anonymous ID which said "you consume me. I can't wait to kiss you again"

The last time I saw you I told you I loved you despite the fact I knew you'd left me for your boss. In fact, I knew you'd let him take you away to San Fransisco and he had moved into your new flat. That was the day I realised you'd fallen from grace and I'd put you on an invisible pedestal for the last 8 years. We both needed to move on.

I smile on a sunny winters day when the sun peeps through leafless trees knowing I never wasted my love on you. You were a mere mortal looking for a way out.

i was smoking on the balcony earlier
the sun still refusing to set
birds chirping
mosquitoes biting
someone in the neighborhood throwing a party
in all its simplicity, and maybe due to it,
the setting made me tear up:

roughly three years ago,
i cried on that balcony at night
for hours and hours
i was fixing to die but so scared of the thought
i never wrote a letter either;

roughly two years ago,
i was on that balcony grinning like hell,
my insides felt ablaze because
you were on the other end of the phonecall
and you were saying you loved me
and the tear stains had quite dried up by then;

roughly a year ago,
i was on that balcony biting my lips to blood,
because i'd realized i had a crush on you
and knew i was only a friend
my head swarming with thoughts of guilt
and i could not remember smiling at the sound of your voice
without the sting of feeling like a criminal;

now, we are set to meet in three days
it's no big deal
we still are not okay
but gods, i have been bleeding for so long it's starting to feel comfortable
we are adults
and we're spending three days by the sea
like adults
it's going to be awkward,
and i'm going to get blind drunk
and i'm going to be pathetic
and i'm going to beg
and i'm going to cry
and you're going to cry
and you're going to apologize
and you're going to be petty
and you're going to get blind drunk
and it's going to be awkward,
but we're adults
and i can manage;

so i was smoking on the balcony,
the sun quite close to going home
the sky as colorful as drug-induced insomnias
and even though i have three years' worth of bitter memories,
i was alive to see a fourth
i am alive
and it's not easy, and it's not pleasing, and it's not great,
but it is good enough.

Frozen, breathless, only eyes can move.
The phone rang, you were trying to prove,
That you did nothing wrong, but you've lost your mind.
I cannot imagine your reasoning behind
What you did, if you haven't gone crazy, if that's what you think.
Your voice stabbed my brain, making me weak.
A cry for help, you ask us for freedom.
A laugh creeps out of my punctured lung.
Are you serious? We won't get you out!
You're insane, a monster, you put words in my mouth!
Your actions are nothing short of inhumane,
Your family loves you, but you're not the same.
"One phonecall" is what they usually give,
Or so we thought, but the ringing lives.
Leave us alone, you've done enough damage!
The pain you've caused needs more than a bandage!

In Christ alone, my hope is salvaged,
Your stay, I pray, is underprivileged.
I ache for you to feel MY pain!
You've killed a friendship, my heart, slain.
I beg God for my brother back,
But you don't understand that He's cut you your slack!
We keep handing over a silver platter
With opportunities galore, but it doesn't matter.
Selfishness contains your soul,
Your choices make our family sore.
I do not know if your remorse is true,
But again, I'll say, "I love you."

i panic a lot.

for me, life has served nothing but anxieties in the form of a single phonecall, speaking up, ordering food, deadlines, crowded places, traveling, etc.. my heart hammers against my chest in hazardous rhythm of messy drumbeats over the simplest, everyday things. but nothing scares me more than the future.

i am terrified of thinking about what lies ahead of me. the inevitable stress, worries and insecurities that ties with growing up leaves me with nothing but quickened breaths, trembling fingers i hide under tables, and a mind that screams just breathe, just breathe--and it's not silly than it is disheartening that i can only imagine the worst, a flaw i've been working to get rid of.

i'm turning eighteen. and this ******* scares me.
i wish i was excited to grow up. i wish i can say i am ready. i wish i was one of those people who can throw all caution to the wind. but i'm not, i'm never ready, and i just can't. not just yet.

but i did enjoy being seventeen. it's without a doubt my favorite age. i got better. i've learned to love myself, fully and unconditionally. i've loved better, more openly, more vocally. i've seen the glass half-empty and i've seen it half-full. i fell in love with the life i have withered in the soil for.

and while it's true that my anxieties can very much crush me, my uncertainties can add unnecessary weight to my shoulders and the unknown simply scares me, but i'll find comfort to the fact that i'm breathing, i'm still living, i'm still alive. right now, that's all that matters.

i'm honestly glad i've reached this point.

so 18.
bring it on.

A calm place, soft music, sounds of chatter,
two tables, few cups of coffee,
and some friends, a dare and a handsome man is all you require to start a new friendship.

Coincidentally, he's a rival at college.
A few meetings at cafeteria, smiles and greetings exchanged.

An approach from either side,
A hearty talk from both sides,
A witty remark, giggles and two cups of vanilla is all you need for friendship to start.

A healthy competition, discussions on machines, an idea contradicted, a furious fight to prove other wrong, ending in laughs.

Music classes by him, a song sung for her, claps and whistles, few blushes and lots of love.

A silly typed bond, a ball pen, many terms and condition, two signatures and friendship sealed forever.

A misunderstanding, blames, fights, cries, repenting on both sides, solitude, dysphoria, friends reconciled.

Few years, jobs, busy schedules, pending work, tensed mind, a break from normal life, a phonecall, an airplane ticket, a familiar face, tears of joy and old friendship revives.

There are some easy steps to make a friend,
But the easiest is to trust someone.