Been ******* ova a thousand times
Result of that is trust isnt on my mind
Thats one thing i dont have
So i kno any relationship i start wont last
I try to believe that your not like my past
But after you gave it all its hard to redo that
I have put my heart on the line
Covered my eyes to lies i played blind
Closed my ears to gossip in the streets
Of her cheating and not claiming me
Who would of thought the one you give your soul
Would trade it for what they thought was gold
Make you out to be the fool when time of approach comes
And i loved her so much i believed her how dumb
So now you come in singing a song i have heard
How you would love me forever and my heart you wont hurt
Sorry to be the barrier of bad news
But i must be real and say i dont believe you
Yes i heard you when you said you'd love me on dieing knee
And your promise to never cheat
But your words are oh to familar
I have dejavu with your words this is a bad delima
Trust isnt something i can give easily
As well as my heart my mind cant you see
Take it slow with me i cant go fast
I refuse to get out of us what i did in my past
I be ****** if i get hurt again
Having to hear gossip from my friends
I will not hold the sign of pain any more
Before i go thru it again i will show you the door
I dont want to wait up at night for you to walk in
Or get scared when i see you around another woman
I want to be free of playing the fool
And to be honest i just want to love and be loved without trust issues

two people, two worlds, two souls.
living as two; breathing as two.

Wasted time no longer wasted.
One sweet love finally tasted.
My soul is here for you to take.
My heart is here for you to break.
Vulnerable is not just a word, but a way of life.
Through the strife, you were there.
Through the wears the tears, you were there.
In the time where i was barely hanging on.
My heart, it's singing a new song.
For you, for you, only you.
Baby, you amaze me.
listen to my heart beat for you.
Every
Single
Beat

For you.

Pain is ordinary.
love is extraordinary.
You are my world.
The universe can't hold what we have.
From the very depths of the soul.
From ever fiber in my being.
I breathe you, i feel you, i need you.
My dreams came true in you.
Love is no longer imaginary.
It's in my reach, it's in my arms.
The touch of love, the smell of love.
it's familar to me now.
what people say is true, love is blind.
and deaf
and mute.

No distance traveled matches how far i would go for you.
the ends of the earth is too short of a journey.
the moon and back doesn't compare.
your voice is music to my ears.
surround me in your music.
life would be lost without you.
i could never find it.
no matter what to cost, i'd buy it.
even if it lasted for only a day.

A day no longer than a few hours.
Hours past, i miss you.
Tick
tock
tick tock tock tock.
you're not here, i'm not there.
wait for me, my love, wait.
soon we'll be together again.
soon we'll breathe together again.
as one person, one world, one soul.

In contemporary belief.
A archer went to a shaman for relief.
A answer to ease fear of thoughts.
Finding his way home, the trail of war became too much.
He struggled with the regret of building a life away from what he knew.
When he came to the shaman.
The shaman hung his head low.
Smelling the stinch of blood.
Still he could not turn his back to the archer.
When posed with the young archers question.
He sat puzzled. Summering the long winded statement to "a great change must be made. Else all will fade."
Knowing of the young archers longing for a maiden.
The archer looked puzzled.
Yet the shaman spoke nothing else.

The young archer was called upon.
A war broke on the opposing side.
They needed his skill in fear that survival was utmost.
Without time to think the archer grabbed his bow. His arrows and darted quickly in the direction the war has taken place.
He quickly coiled arrow to bow. In repeated motion until none were left.
A field of arrows covered the small space.
War does something to a man.
A brief clarity after the slaughter of contemplation.
The shamans words dawned upon him like a snake.
He darted to the shamans place in great discoverly.
Finding that the shaman as well as his possessions were completely gone without trace.
He darted back to the field.
Searching through a forrest of arrow.
A heart wrenching feeling stuck on his face.
Guiding his way through the arrows he found a familar hand. Connected to a familar torso.
A face stuck in agonizing eternity.
The shamans words made more sense.
Backing away from the body.
Thinking deeply. Damning his hands.
The thing that came as habit.
He broke his bow in the reflection of his maiden's eyes.
This war gone astray inside of him

We all notice it.
We just hate seeing it.
But in families and jobs.
It does exist.
Even, while the person doing it.
Works harder to deny it.

Siblings gets the blunt of it.
And some truly enjoys it.
While others tries to avoid it.

Yes, favoritism.
It's been preached.
That Jesus had his close associates.
But they all had a mission to accomplish.

Grand parents.
We know they know its wrong.
But many parents sings this familar song.

Favoritism.
Where kids even speaks it with truth?
Really.
Do you not comprehend?
That they brighter than many appears.

Notice.
Truly notice.
That the one you love and delight it.
Sometimes goes the distance to be fair.
Many understands the pressure placed upon them.

And these are the ones we wants to be fair.
When it comes to things belonging to them.

Unlike most the mail thats filled with  annoying **** like bills and DNA results this one  stood out  for some odd reason.
The name seemed familar  the invite was a wedding better known as a stand up funeral  a gathering of  hopeful women  and hung over men.

But what called to my eyes like a driver  parked at a catholic schoolgirl
cross walk  on a windy day was a true statement of sheer  beauty.
Open bar  gonzo  didnt know much but he knew he had a busted toaster   and a bruised liver and purpose a  of which I never  truley do understand.


This gathering was promising many women of which  had no idea  
I was a total ***  were here.
This crowd included many types
large small  young old   cross eyed   lazy eyed and even **** eyed
but no time for foreplay  children.

The bar was calling yet for some reason we had to sit through this
wedding ****  who the hell comes to  this stuff to watch  such sappy ****
the bride  walked down the isle  in white  face covered  dear lord
she couldnt be that ugly  hey wheres the  guy who sells  penuts and beers.

I sat for hours in agony  waitting to meet with my open
bar mistress  like some hot ****  women waiting behind a  
locked door so willing   calling to Gonzo.
come drink me  drink me hard  you drunk ******* im so wet
and refreshing get your minds outta the gutter.

When the man  who seemed to be the cult leader finally shut up the
groom finally pulled back  that veil thingy like a bad episode of ****** doo to reveal   the woman underneath it.
I was shocked to see a familar  face  hey i remember her
Kathy, Susan ,Rebecca,Something  yes when in doubt always shout
out every name you can think.
that way you appear either a total *****  or if your wearing a helmet
*******.

I had left mine at home selfish  ***** of a brother  just had to have it
Gonzo what if I fall down from a seisure ****** man duck tape a pillow to your head.

the ******* aside finally came a true moment of true brillance the bar   the bar where the **** was the bar!
Like a child being told santa wasnt coming this christmas
cause daddy  got busted selling drugs to the same undercover cop again
dad wasnt bright  something inside hurt deep as tears welled up from
my shallow heart.

then she appeared  Sara, Rabeca ,Susan,Eunice what did it matter really?
Gonzo are you hurt?
You know how much I care for you always.
Yeah  not enough to have a open bar Tabitha,Elieen ,Bathsheba,Drew,Elliot ****** woman whatever your name is.

Really you selfish woman  what do you think just   cause it's your wedding its all about you and this oversized bodybuilder   who appears
very unhappy dam you network tv for canceling american  gladiators

Like any true man would do faced  in the same situation.
I kissed the bride for old times sake  kicked the groom in the ***** and ran  for the boreder i'll miss you Susan,Kat,Jessica ****** woman whatever your name is.

As i sit at the pub deep in reflection as jack ask's me  so what will
you miss about her  the most you crazy ******* a chicken tucked under his arm  but I seldom  cared  to meet his new girlfriends.

Yes after deep thought and many wild turkeys.
It finally came to me ya know jack it's probaly  the free ***.
yes i was gonnna miss   Rabecca,Susan,Samantha,Kat, Beth,Baths,
Becky,Tarzan,Eunice,Cheeta, Taylor,Elivis,Ladyy Ga Ga whats here name  cheers to ya darlin.

Love John, Elliot ,Chris,Jack,Gary,My Chemicle Imbalance,Obama,
Bob, JD,Drew ,Goldie,whatever the hell my name is.    

Stay Crazy Gonzo

Unlike most the mail thats filled with  annoying **** like bills and DNA results this one  stood out  for some odd reason.
The name seemed familar  the invite was a wedding better known as a stand up funeral  a gathering of  hopeful women  and hung over men.

But what called to my eyes like a driver  parked at a catholic schoolgirl
cross walk  on a windy day was a true statement of sheer  beauty.
Open bar  gonzo  didnt know much but he knew he had a busted toaster   and a bruised liver and purpose a  of which I never  truley do understand.


This gathering was promising many women of which  had no idea  
I was a total ***  were here.
This crowd included many types
large small  young old   cross eyed   lazy eyed and even **** eyed
but no time for foreplay  children.

The bar was calling yet for some reason we had to sit through this
wedding ****  who the hell comes to  this stuff to watch  such sappy ****
the bride  walked down the isle  in white  face covered  dear lord
she couldnt be that ugly  hey wheres the  guy who sells  penuts and beers.

I sat for hours in agony  waitting to meet with my open
bar mistress  like some hot ****  women waiting behind a  
locked door so willing   calling to Gonzo.
come drink me  drink me hard  you drunk ******* im so wet
and refreshing get your minds outta the gutter.

When the man  who seemed to be the cult leader finally shut up the
groom finally pulled back  that veil thingy like a bad episode of ****** doo to reveal   the woman underneath it.
I was shocked to see a familar  face  hey i remember her
Kathy, Susan ,Rebecca,Something  yes when in doubt always shout
out every name you can think.
that way you appear either a total *****  or if your wearing a helmet
*******.

I had left mine at home selfish  ***** of a brother  just had to have it
Gonzo what if I fall down from a seisure ****** man duck tape a pillow to your head.

the ******* aside finally came a true moment of true brillance the bar   the bar where the **** was the bar!
Like a child being told santa wasnt coming this christmas
cause daddy  got busted selling drugs to the same undercover cop again
dad wasnt bright  something inside hurt deep as tears welled up from
my shallow heart.

then she appeared  Sara, Rabeca ,Susan,Eunice what did it matter really?
Gonzo are you hurt?
You know how much I care for you always.
Yeah  not enough to have a open bar Tabitha,Elieen ,Bathsheba,Drew,Elliot ****** woman whatever your name is.

Really you selfish woman  what do you think just   cause it's your wedding its all about you and this oversized bodybuilder   who appears
very unhappy dam you network tv for canceling american  gladiators

Like any true man would do faced  in the same situation.
I kissed the bride for old times sake  kicked the groom in the ***** and ran  for the boreder i'll miss you Susan,Kat,Jessica ****** woman whatever your name is.

As i sit at the pub deep in reflection as jack ask's me  so what will
you miss about her  the most you crazy ******* a chicken tucked under his arm  but I seldom  cared  to meet his new girlfriends.

Yes after deep thought and many wild turkeys.
It finally came to me ya know jack it's probaly  the free ***.
yes i was gonnna miss   Rabecca,Susan,Samantha,Kat, Beth,Baths,
Becky,Tarzan,Eunice,Cheeta, Taylor,Elivis,Ladyy Ga Ga whats here name  cheers to ya darlin.

Love John, Elliot ,Chris,Jack,Gary,My Chemicle Imbalance,Obama,
Bob, JD,Drew ,Goldie,whatever the hell my name is.    

Stay Crazy Gonzo

Your love so intense
I have only to shut my eyes
To feel your presence
I can feel your hands on my body
I can taste the sweetness of your mouth
I can smell that smell of lust
That I once warned you about
Oh you are the kind of lover
I will never forget
So strange it is to me
knowing you all these years
Yet we have just really met.

you awaken in an unfamilar place
it's smells of bleach & latex
where are you?
you see your family
surrounding a bed
with a girl whose body has taken refuge on
she looks weak
her skin is pale
why does she look so familar?
your mother has her head in her hands
she can't stop crying & whispering, "it's my fault."
you try to comfort her, but you seem to go right through her
nobody seems to notice you
your dad sits alone
across the room from your mother
they don't comfort each other
they never loved each other
a doctor comes inside the room
your parents stand up & rush over to him
he says it was too late to save her
too late to flush out the pills
she was already gone
that's when it hits you,
hard.
the girl isn't a familar face, shes you
you couldn't take it, you finished the bottle
& you said you had no regrets.
you try to take it all back
but darling, it's far too late

you're already gone.
a.c.

Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone,
When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown?
The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true,
A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too.

Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know,
Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told?
Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think?
In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think.
I am over here and over there,
"Hello!" or "Goodbye",
What is seriously wrong with my mind?

Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways,
Family? Forget it...
I lie and I lie.
I pretend that I feel nothing,
Nothing touches me,
But truth be told I am terrfied,
My heart, as if, bleeds.

Perhaps you've heard of Fibro,
Or IBS as well,
Maybe you know Chronic pain,
And a fatigue like hell.
Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain,
Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again.

"How can it be hard to get out of bed?"
"How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?"
You won't understand, even though I've tried,
No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed.

I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job",
"You will be nothing when you get started and move on."
"Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life?
Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?"
"You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax."
"You are doing nothing but sitting around,
So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round."

I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure,
The worthless, dissapointment, the immature.
"I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be",
Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean.

I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?"
Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn.


There is help out there, there are programs and places to go,
But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go?
Who may be sick for the rest of their lives,
Who doesn't even feel worthy of time?

People do what they have to, to go off and survive,
But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone,
Please know, they try...

my yellow eyes roll
as salt slides from the sides
of yours.
these sobs,
these sobs are familar
to me.
clearly etched into my memory.
it was the same with She,
that red-headed *******,
it was the same with Nature's Criminal,
and every pore of her persian skin.
my yellow eyes return,
and my stomach turns,
and my muscles tighten,
and my smile lightens,
and my burden builds,
all the while,
your limbs twitch,
your lips stitch,
and your eyes run scared.
all the while,
my cancerous tongue lay still.
as your accusations
ricochet and fall flimsily all
around me.
i sharpen my teeth on the notches
of your spine.
remind you,
you were once wholly mine.
silence the cries.
tell you everything is fine.
your blood begins to flow.
the worst of me you get to know.
i'm a monster.
i'm a ******.
i'm a plaster cast
of your prince charming.

let the yellow eyes roll.

I chased down the bustling road
when I caught a glimpse of her walking down.
Today I stand, impatient;
my finger thumping a pithy tune,
as she climbs down the stairway,
one step at a time.

Time capsules are concealed
in objects that we rarely see,
and only notice when silence visits
and sits in the middle of the room,
unpleasently.

Today was on such day,
when my foot accidentally brushed
a tea cup that had bravely withstood,
the anomalies of my childhood,
and leaning back on its broken handle
took delight,
on my sudden emotional plight.

After years of unrelenting boundaries
the yearning to jump over,
turns into the ultimate goal.
Definace, with a vengence,
and fury so grave,
mars conscience by its senstaions,
makes it depraved.

Forgone was the leap
that bound my heart with rules
of love, loyatly and frienship,
for it now only understood,
the twinge of ache it gained
whenever it recognized,
a then familar face.

In a world fantastical,
there is order and right.
And mistakes are begotten
to only be forgotten
and set some memories aside.

I held my hand out,
on the last stair, she looked up,
and in brown eyes, just like mine,
I saw days that now defined,
our relationship,
as mother and daughter.

We talk of  far shores and setting sail,
with our two feet firmly rooted in the bay.
The anchors aren't pulled, the rigs aren't checked,
we are rarely ready, if ever,
at our fancy's behest.

In the seconds that she took to step down;
seconds in which I re-lived a lifetime,
I ran down the same road,
the bustling street with the same goal.
I held my mother's hand
and let go.

As shadows begin to engulf,
The hues that come from a well lit day.
From the multicolored palette,
Pastels turn to gray.
Shadows are forming ,
It's near the end of day.
But still,
In the eve's half light,
I spy the glimmering ,
A floret of white.
The first to catch the new mornings rays,
And the last to show through the darkening haze.
And so it cycles from light to dark.
The familar becomes unknown,
And place's of refuge,
Are now a gambit to run.
The darkness seems to lessen the gap,
That the dawn had once split wide.
But all's the same
'Cept the loss of light.
And maybe just a tiny fright
From the circuition,
This will pass.
To convert  the obscurity to comprehension.
And so reveal,
It's all a trick of the mind's eye.

Now that people are becoming more aware of my poetic efforts, interests are being expressed regarding the background of my poetry - in addition, to my spiritual muse. In this installment, I share a blurb regarding my poem "Enjoy This Season".

Lots of people like to surmise about the idea of living in a different period of recorded humanity, such as: Italy's Renaissance (circa 1400-1600 ad), the building of the Greek or Roman Empires, the time of Christ and so forth. However, not me. Being an I.T. (Information Technology) professional in this "Age of Information" with available technologies - specifically "Personal Computers" and the Internet allowing me access to gobs of data - can be a real and surreal "head trip". For I've learned how to glean concepts from the experience of others; such an ability is helping me to learn to dream and redefine my personal journey. After all, we are instructed in the Bible that "we're to be more than conquerors" and thus live a Christian lifestyle successfully. Hence the rub...

Like everyone else, I'm uniquely defined. So expect that your results will also vary. In the Scriptures, one of the many analogies to describe mankind is "withering grass". When compared to the centuries of mankind, one's existence is brief; however, it doesn't need to be invisible. With the tools and information presently at our fingertips, we can learn to develop vision and ultimately uncover the "unseen things of God". So in my desire to want more of Jehovah's presence in my life, I became more vulnerable - in a spiritual sense. As a result, I lost my joy; I lost it because I didn't recognize how important a commodity joy is. It took years to recognize what had transpired. And it took more years of internal fighting (with myself) and prayer to get it back. While attending Church for decades, I was familar with the idiom "The joy of the Lord is my strength."; its importance was only revealed once it was gone. Feel free to learn from my mistake and avoid the associated pain.

It had never been my life's desire to publish a book, as with some people. Writing poetry became my personal therapy sessions for reclaiming my joy; an insight that was realized once I reviewed my accomplishment in retrospect. Although a portion of my joy has been restored, I still have more work ahead of me. And more serious challenges are now in view.

One of my dearest friends, Norman J. Richard Jr., died earlier this year (August 19, 2009). One of his favorite quotes was: "Do something, even if it's wrong!". As some of you may guess, he was unquestionably a man of action. In addition, he fiercely loved life, his family, and friends - and he did so with an overflowing river of joy. Not only was he a member of "my inner circle", but he was one of the few who truly encouraged me to pursue the goal of getting my poetry published. By the way he lived, he also showed me that I would be able to ultimately recapture my joy completely. So back in August of 2008, after spending quality time with Norman, I wrote this simple poem of encouragement for myself. And it's my desire that others can also find encouragement for themselves, during their times of difficulty.

I started smoking cigarettes again

Something about having another thing burning between my fingers

Besides your hands

Makes me dismiss the feeling that lingers 
when I think of you

Since I can’t have your taste in my mouth

Menthol will have to do

I am addicted 

Isn't this sounding familar?
You **** me inside starting with my lungs

Like the small nicotine sticks do with every inhale

I would much rather your slender fingers in my hand

But for $10 a pack they last around a lot longer than you do 

No matter how much you rot me from the inside out

A piece of me will always be yours

Always

He had a love that lasted years
I have had nothing
Even remotely close
Only what is fleeting
Rough lips and selfish tongues
Greedy hands and reckless touch
The only love I have ever known
Left without warning
I have never known love to be forgiving
Or patient and kind
That kind of love
Is not one I am familar with

I am well aware
That he is not here to love me
He is here to worship this body
That most days,
Doesn't even feel like my own
Most days
My skin is a jacket
That stretches over fragile bone
I only wear it because I have to
Because this world pokes and prods with sharpness
And there are only so many times someone can break completely
These tattoos
Are just a shield for vulnerability
Piercings,
Nothing more than metaphor for puncture
There are so many wounds still awaiting healing

And although this body
Hasn't been fully occupied by its tenant in years
I will let him spend a night in it
Let him believe that it is nothing beyond ordinary
I will let him carve his name into the arch of my back
Fingernails to flesh
Palms to ribcage
And for one night
He will make believe love to me
We will make believe intimacy
Make believe that lust is something
That can only be felt more than just momentarily
We will pretend that our affection is warranted
And be unbound

In the morning
He will wash my name from his mouth
Swallow it entirely
And forget he ever tasted it
Tomorrow
He will wipe my DNA from his skin
Rinse off every last trace of my lips
And I will do the same
There is no reason
That I should be something he comes back to
There is no reason for me to draw myself indelible
When all I will ever be
Is a lone evening of desire

Nobody wants to get to know the girl
Who barely knows herself
Nobody will ever remember the girl
Who forgets who she is every time she gives herself away
This is a girl
Who calls herself woman
But still cries in the dark

And someone
Who knows love as well as he does
Will never want someone
Who doesn't even know
What love is
Someone like that
Is better suited
For one night.

Little kisses placed upon your cheek
A deep love courses through your veins;
Pumped through a deeply broken heart
A pounding head;
And eyes pulsating as if they were to explode
Hands, shaking at the very thought of your touch
Moist palms and weak knees
Your mind, racing, unable to process a controlled thought
An emotion once thought to be lost, has now been regained
It is terrifying;
And it is familiar
It is love
Your body is slowly becoming warm in its embrace
No longer suffering;
You are now complete

I crave the feeling of being whole

To feel complete

But too often my thoughts come in waves and take parts of me away with the tide

It leaves me with the familar void that needs to so often be filled

Several shots of ***** later

A few drags later

A couple one night stands later

I am filled

I am filled until I wake from the feeling of water on my toes once again

Fine lace bonnets, im not who loves me.
I'm not ruled or ridiculed, I'll never be tamed or caged. you don't know you don't know
I am cold empty beds, on humid nights.
Relieved through poetry.

I bid you stay my queen of hearts
Tarry here till morn
Take not your love and go your way
'Tis allegiance I have sworn

I bow my head in purest heart
Consumed by shameless desire
Quicken me with one last smile
Enough to quiet this fire

I press you please, consider fate
Let its spirit guide your path
Turn not unto your heart of stone
Lean not toward its wrath

Cast not aside familar dreams
Nor memories patiently earned
Douse this flame of your rejection
Where the fire of love once burned

Quench this thirst that haunts my soul
Heed my beckon call
Tarry here just one more hour
Lest our love should fall

Abandoned in every manner
I sleep in a shallow pool of blood
Every correction possible made
Clarity never came at such a price—

Between loans, loss and black livery
My mission was clear
From obsession I rose again
But when will I return to ashes?—

Familar visions I found solace in
Sent familiar fear through my veins
Created only from a life of necessary impurity
To create the new dogma I now adopt—

I stand before what I once rejected
With no choice but to embrace it with open arms
And in that I retreat again
So that I too shall return to the dust I once was—

Paradise, 2018

do you remember when we rode bikes together?
how we kissed under the rain like we were straight from a movie.
it felt like the sky parted in two and raindrops felt like diamonds above us, falling on us.
this is what loving you feels like.
it feels like late night coffee.
how you rest your chin in your hand and we doze off talking about nothing.
it feels like warmth,
every kind.
waking up in your arms, sitting in front of the fireplace, hugging you when i come home.
do you remember when we cried watching that movie on our first date?
we talked about it all night, until the sun came up.
we copied the bird's songs outside and smiled.
oh how i knew this wasn't a mistake,
how i knew this wasn't a coincidence.

He searches the crowd.
Scanning the familar faces
and
the unfamilar faces.
But alas he cant find what he is looking for.

Maybe the one he wants is lost in the ocean of faces.
Hidden amongest all the smiles and scowls.
Maybe he has gone under drowned by the laughs and sidetalks.
or
maybe he never took the plunge.
Not able to dive in.

And the one who searches
is wasting his time.
Scanning the familar faces
and
the unfamilar faces.
Just wasting his time.

Old friend and familar demon can I offer you a drink?

Watch the fire fade in winters decay and **** all hope filled tought's.

Does the fall find you empty as my jaded soul?



Another round ?

Will you stay to see me erase all that used to be who does stand's befor you now?

Will you vanish like friends who get a glimpse of the dark that is masked in light?

So many questions to many vacant thoughts and a fires crackle is it cold being on the outside

most all your life.



A homeless sense and a stranger in every crowd.

You served me well but times coming for us to part.

This road i can't take you as so many times befor.



Empty bottle and erased reason im a driffter in endless times of nothing true.

Maybe this time i'll rid myself of the misery ive often so embraced.

Old dog's seldom run far unless to keep you from a death's view.



Sometime's you just cant pull it togather anymore.



Headlights give a view ive called life for far to long

Im tired  but always no matter how far I run

I cant escape you.



I drink one last and toast the emptyness ive become

A spark although bright must always fade.

Life but a season and time a slow count to sure end.



It seems this time the jokes on me.

We were walking through the field,
staring out at Boston.
I was choking on the whisper
of a memory of another here.

I gathered two wild flowers
and I showed them to you:
the familar
          Queen Anne's Lace has always been my favorite,
and the new
          I don't know what this one's called,
          but it's purple and pretty.
          They're both so lovely together.

I don't think you understood that
I was talking about us.

when i slip into
a phase, I find it
exhuasting now.

every minute, a test of character.
every hour, a new demon to fight.
They hide inside, chip away at the interior, until it's like peeling paint.
Those days, I feel barren and broken, my detail is failing.
I watch jagged pieces splinter away and drift in the air
cruelly landing underfoot in
the crackly, dead leaves
that the streetsweeper missed that week.

"But what if..." it says. And that's all it takes.

I become frigid inside.
I feel it slide in my brain, clicking
and prying inside.
crooning, throat just out of reach; caressing, hands just out of reach
until it slaps me to the familar ground,
where I frantically gasp.
It's laughing now, as I curl back to darkness,
wiping my silent tears from my red cheek and my cramping heart from my sleeve.
My head pounds as my
unwelcome, yet comfortable
friend of mine simply
opens the door.

I can't even lock it.

Just a note to those here who
Are not familar with me
I AM NOT BERYL DOV
And for those that do know me
WELL DANG!!!!You already knew that.

Crucified and left to dwell,
if you had to do it all again, would you?
Hindsight.
a sign that hangs on the gates of hell,
when you see the fires and half measure desires,
how does the pain feel as you cry your,
no surrender,
this place takes you further than pain ,
than torture that burns your heart and your anguish tame no two lifes the same,
a picture postcard of a misspent youth,
both ends burning in a midnight vocation,
burn baby burn,
no return to the familar choir,
as you sink into the fire,
oh i would carry my own cross again and again to feel the warmth of my mother and kiss those cherry holy lips and change the water into wine if i could hold back time and hear st peters bell chime, and hold the chalice and swear to my fathers, father as the flames grow higher, just to hold you one last time my Mary is my hearts desire.

we met on a whim,
a comment or two,
reading each others soul

words of love
washed down into my heart,
more words would make it grow

as time moved on
i felt closer each day
i could feel the words
her heart would say

a year passed on
then i realized
my feelings
i could no longer hide

my soul
just seemed to feel
at home in her heart
like we knew each other
in another life,another time

i told her this many times
we grew closer and closer
as time moved on

finally i told her
that i was in love
how in the hell can you
fall in love on line
my heart would ask

finally she responded
she was flattered but apperhinsive
but she was interested
we talked on for a while

we laughed and talked
for hours on end,i told her all my dreams
she just seemed to follow them with me

she gave me her number,told me to call
i waited a couple days before i called
her voice sweet and soft as she said hello
my heart skipped as i said
it's me

she fell in love with my voice she said
our love grew in leaps and bounds
we talked for hours,i pulled her in to my life
she told me she loved me to,she didn't understand how it could be true

then one day it all fell apart
she had time to search her heart
a long distant romance could never fulfill her heart
she needed to feel the love that we shared

she told me to come
and we would share our love forever
but i just couldn't go
obligations just wouldn't let it be
so she said goodbye to me...

her responce

What captured me,was the familar of you
i heard it in the sound of your voice
soothing,creative cozy atmosphere like the warmth of being home again.

and then i gathered morsels of the gleeful crazy flavor of you
sprinkled within the lines of all your colorfully creative stories
like highlight spakles of the childlike passion filled heart of you

oh my god,the heart of you,it's smile was so,,
and i swear i felt you wink at me with those tickling lashes of knowing,
knowing you blush filled me to scrumptious liquid rapture,
and then you nourished a deep root in me,a tethering so umbillical,
i felt you twixt my thighs,you were so,
and then i swear i saw my name in it,,
the title of your love story,
and my cheeks swelled with importance,my heart full of stardom,
for i was blooming in the ripple of you, so deep and so familar ...

paint drips down your finger tips,opaque
the stentch of coffee, sweet colgne
engalfed in world far from what we've known

the stars are spinning, the world turns black
the fridged cold that wisps down your back
left there standing in a world familar, stone
but miles in thought in place called home

timid creature, a human being,
a man of wonder consumed by demons

where is the love you crave the most
a reflected shadow, a long past ghost.
the silent solitude grows and grows,
whos there to give answers, when you question why
to hold your shaking body, consumed by lies
where is there to wander,
when the foot prints have gone away
to make sense of these passing hours
morphing into days

bound to wood, a worn canvas, a man,
making sense of colour, the strokes, an extension of his hand
boiling over in sense of rage, across the palette a water haze
sensible man, turns his cheek in fear
I too turn away from the people I fear

the ones who betray,
the ones who you love,
the dreams you conjured,
the unknown you ponder,
the pursuit of happiness and love.

the reflection can be daunting
the person you see
I too am confussed which direction this life will carry me.

when the weight is heavy,
you can conflide in me.
or let the pencil be you guide
may the lines set you free.
may the shades of darkness and shades of light
give you comfort
may the hues of the seasons bring you closer to yourself,
or wallow in your tea and coffee,
sleep within your creation
explore your deepest wealth
life, the pursuit of learning to being human.

I am scorpio
Spiritual suergon
I am water, i am ocean
Tidal waves, my deepest depths.
I sweat the tears
I have not
yet wept.
Abstract dreaming
Though i have not slept.
only then do they seem to manifest
To acknowledge                 
                           the QUINTESSENCE
That of which cannot be kept.
My eyes feel.
My hands see.
My mind grocks
Through the Eye, that is me.
Constant presence of
That silent message
In which this realm
You dare not mention.
Expressive retention
Of that Ethereal essence


Familar it is
To obtain i wish.
I mean That quantum Rorschach..


Did you see what it did?
That esoteric experience
Before you were a kid?
Words cover up the picture
It was trying to define
That deafning sound
That pepherates the mind.
No one can tell it better
than That of a mime.
Still dont get it?
Read the next few lines.

I allowed myself to be loved by you.
Moving from across the street to a building that I always wondered what was inside.
I am not at all innocent.
Allowing myself to become busy.
Never really having the time to indulge in something I always wanted to do.
A new building in a familar place.
So welcoming.
Freeing myself of everything around.
The clock loosely ticking away.
The world no longer the same.
The steps taken from across the street becoming my favorite.
Remembering the first time I looked at you.
The term busy no longer existed.
Allowing myself to come at ease.
Opening the door.
Crazy how everything just happened.
Doing something unexpected, forgetting that I had something to do.
I allowed myself to be unexpectedly loved by you.
Completely forgetting where the door was.
Losing track of time

A brilliant Profusion-
in death, leaves are proud!
(No Pharoah or King
have enjoyed such a shroud.)
They flutter on downward
upon the stiff breeze.
collecting in piles
nearly up to my knees.
The rasping of rakes
is a familar fall sound.
An unwanted tribute
I collect from the ground.

There was no casket to be set into the earth.
Only memories were to be  burried washed clean
by the bottles embrace.

Strangers  do we part a vist to a familar cold place
by the oceans shore.
Words spoken never hurt when you  understand
human nature.

The dark inwhich  I only know.
A dark river flowing unto the sea.
Its broken current flow's with no true direction.

As children we start fresh only to loose the spark.
Dancing under a shroud of tenderness  apon lifes
harsh stage.

Bitter souls reflect  anger lost only tears of  regret.
Me i just cast demons down   in some  twisted hope
I just might forget.

Sometimes you gotta realize when you crash through that glass
celling  you only got to look forward to the floor.
The bottle now empty I cast into  the dark waters
eternal bed.
Along  with a memory  I'll pretend to erase.

Distanse is only a thought away.
The road echos  my lifes song.
Underground burried  so deadly the truth
just as sweet as the lie.

Barbwire and daydreams  plague my soul.
Like the bottle that sit's within the depths
of a water cast tomb.

I know strangers  as friends.
Night as backdrop.
Farewell  seems  fitting as hello.
When the river has run dry    
To whom will you go?