I've never been able to fully comprehend the depths of loneliness until I finally decided to encage myself in this room filled with my absent creativity and the crumpled up pages of my own thoughts filled around me.
nor did I ever believe in the demons from the twisted fairy tails or the monsters from the scary cartoons until I came to the realization that I've been looking in all the wrong places all along;
they're inside of me, apart of me
and there are days where I am the predator and they are the prey
and I am constantly chasing them away from the canals of my slow-beating heart
but I am also the prey and they become the predator and I swear I can feel them watching me and waiting patiently for me to take just one step in the wrong direction
and before I realize what I've just begun, it's already over and I'm pinned to the ground with hands wrapped around my neck.
and suddenly I can't breathe and I struggle as I gasp for just one more breath,
but then reality hits me and I find myself leaning against my bed frame with my hair falling across my face, papers scattered across the floor, dreams lost in the cracks of my wooden floors.
but I don't cry.
I sit there dry-eyed with my hands wrapped around myself and I slowly begin to deteriorate into the state of nothingness that I will currently and always remain.
and I see the hands of the predators reaching in to try and grab me and take me yet I don't fight it anymore. I've become accustomed to their icy touch and crooked smiles.
and that's when the emotions stop and I begin to empty myself so I would feel nothing, when all I ever wanted was to just feel okay.
so god someone help me, I'm beginning to lose the concept of what's real or what's just apart of my ruthless imagination.
and I'm not sure where I'd rather be anymore.
As a kid I was warned you go by very quickly,
though I never believed the ideas they put inside my head
I felt like all I had was you, nothing but time
to find who I am in this world
Help me, I'm lost and running out of you
Is there any way you can slow down?
I can't help but regret wasting my days
by doing absolutely nothing at all
besides question my purpose in this world
If I all I do is procrastinate and stress
maybe the procrastination is causing my stress?
Or am I just lacking time that I believed I had?
You're nimble, I hardly ever notice you go
Are you running from something?
You seem to be moving quicker and quicker
Slipping out from underneath me,
to never be retrieved again
Some day came suddenly,
and now I'm standing here.
Remember that time I thought it would be a good idea to bring our dog to a firework show? Then she got scared and ran off in the night? I thought you'd be mad, but you weren't.
and remember that time we were uprooted from our home and placed with our dad? and then we lost everything, for his selfish wants? I thought you would run, but you didn't.
Then the next week we came home 10 minutes late, and they yelled at us all night? I thought you were going to scream, but you didn't.
and remember when he beat you? out of anger, he laid the blows on you. I thought you would fight back, but you didn't.
and remember when you promised you'd never leave me?
I thought you would come back,
but you never did.
remember when I said I wouldn't hurt myself anymore?
I thought I could keep a promise
but I couldn't.
I really miss you
but you don't seem to miss me
so I pretend I'm fine
living without you.
that I could
cherish my days
i would one
life's too short to be wasting all my time
in 5 days I'll turn another year older
another year wiser
maybe even another inch taller
most girls wish for a car or clothes
for the best birthday of their life
yet all I wish for is to spend it with you
It's been five years since I last have.
I miss you, mom
happy 16th ashley
our body starts off as a plain canvas
and as we grow up in life
it begins to be filled
with new stories and ideas
by a stretch mark
or a scar
beautiful may not be the right word for a scar
a better word would be unique
have you ever met someone with the exact same mark?
beauty is in the eye of the beholder