I am petrified.
Locked in a closet.
A silent statue.
Immobile.
When I was little, I hated silence. I cannot recall why. But my mom told me she would sing me a lullaby until I fell asleep, put me in my crib and skitter out of the room without a sound. She would tiptoe to her room, slide under the blanket. On cue, I would cry.
I think, perhaps, silence was synonym of absence.
I was terrified she would forget about me.
I wish he would forget about me.
Walk away and never come back.
But I am trapped in a closet.
The key is in his hand.
I was hiding, but I was not the one who locked the door.
I was hiding while he was playing hide and seek.
The house it too small to hide for long.
He always finds me.
I am paralysed.
Locked in a closet.
A silent statue.
Shaking.
When I was little, I would not sleep unless my dad checked under the bed for any monsters. He would chase the nightmares away with a kiss and welcome my dreams with a smile. My dad was my dream keeper, and fulfilled his duties with rightfulness. When he was home.
My dad also was a synonym of absence.
I was frightened he would forget about me.
He would never forget about me.
He has a special power.
His eyes reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His voice reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His fists reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His smile reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His confident steps when he approaches reminds me he does not forget.
That I never move.
Away.
He can paralyse me with a simple look.
And then.
He.
Tosses me to the ground like a broken twig.
He is silence.
And I hate him.
He used to hide in the silence of my room, under my crib.
He used to laugh in the pauses of my breath.
His fingers would creep up the crib and peek through.
Grab and pinch and push and pull at my tender skin, my tender heart.
He is the monster my dad used to warn me about.
*He is silence and I want to scream
But
When I try to take a breath he suffocates me

I was a stranger then






I am a stranger now

I am a ship
Steadily moving forward into an ocean of unknow promises
My strong heart pumping the heavy water
To propel me in the horizon
Tracing my path like an explorer

I am a sailor
A heart at sea
Lost into the depth of the abyss
I am not precious nor am I fragile I
Am neither one or the other I
Am undestructible

I am not the Titanic
I am the iceberg
And I make them all sink
D
O
W
N
Down down my cold body
Made of ice and crushing weight
I show them who owns the place

I am the ocean
I am heavier than the rest of the world
I am blue and green
Calm and stormy
When they try to tame me I push them down
Into my body I swallow them
For being too sure of their strengths they will disappear
Into my depthless heart
Long lost to that which will hold my eternal love
Land and water,
Caressing each other every second yet
Yet
Yet confined in our own beds of sand and ground
Forever held hostage of that which we give life to
Forever embracing the slight touch of a wave
The glowing sun warming my blood to heat up her skin of sand
Calling to the inhabitants of my ever moving body
To tickle the side of her sandy hand
With my love I bath her edges
With my rage I explode into a million droplets
Cursing the earth for this fate
Doomed to live forever together
Forver apart.

You cannot cut my legs off
And expect me to walk

You threw a bomb at me in a war zone I didn't know existed my heart
Beat
Was meant to be a haven of peace but you detonate and I flutter to the ground
In a heart
Beat
The world spun out of its axis
My body was not ready for the aftermath
Of the effect of your soul on my soul
I can hear a pin

D
R
O
P

Every time someone says your name in a conversation I
Freeze
And in the space of a breath I can see, hear, smell and touch you
I can almost touch your love with my fingertips
Like holding a heart
Beat
Oprgan transplant to give a new life I wear a mask and observe my heart
Beat
As it quivers for you, longing to feel your breath on my lips
The overload of senses is too much on my fragile heart
Beat
The devastation is unlike anything I ever witnessed
My home is a pill of dust and I don't feel safe
Walking around the ruins
I stay tucked under the stars I never close my eyes anymore
Behind my eyelids the world is ruined
And my blood boils with anger you
Exploded in my rib cage and destroyed everything in a heart
Beat
You threw a grenade and hid back in your own universe
Copper is seeping through my hands and the smell makes me nauseous
I hold my insides together with my own ten fingers
If only you were here to see
The desolation in my deserted heart
Beat
You were a soldier and I understood too late
Who was the enemy
(It was me, wasn't it?)

In between her lips
I hope you found
What you were looking for when you locked your mouth on mine
Harder
What you were searching for when you held my hand
Tighter
What you were asking for when your words hurt me
Louder
What I tried to create for you in my our universe
What I couldn't give you
No matter what I put on the line
Everything
In between her lips
I hope you found
The safe haven I couldn't create for you

Love has no way of staying attached.
Love is not an *****, not a cell in your body.
Love is this thing.
Love is there, then it isn’t anymore, and there is nothing that can be done.
So you create a ring to put on someone’s finger to say they belong to you.
Maybe they will keep it.
But they can pull it off.
They can do anything.
You have no control.
And it is terrifying to know that love,
Love is a thing.
Not a person.
You cannot lock it away and force it to love you back.
Love comes and goes
Love comes and stays
But love never takes any advices.
Love has its own frame of mind.
And its mind is as cloudy as this autumn's evening.
You cannot predict if it will rain, if the wind will blow, if the moon will appear, if snow will fall unexpectedly.
You cannot predict a thing.
But love is always around,
Perhaps to break your heart,
Perhaps to sew it back together.
But it is there.
It lurks.
And strikes everytime it hits.

I believe a lot of people lie about liking being alone.
No one really wants to be alone.
It's a way to protect oneself, not a way to live.
It's a statement.
Being alone says:
"I can handle myself, I can take care of myself."
But it also means:
"I have nothing to hold on to.
I have no on to care about.
I am lonely.
I am hiding it, but I need rescuing.
I appear like I seek loneliness
But I am fooling each and everyone of you.
I am only seeking company."

He talks like he owns the sky
Speaks to the stars and
Controls the rotating planets

In his voice I hear
Inflexions of lies,
But my mind is caught by
The poetry in his gestures
The scent of rain and the hope he'll bring me
Sunshine.
The downpour is never ending but still
I hope.

I like my men like I like my coffee
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now go away I
Like my coffee like I like my ***
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now go away I
Like my men like I like my ***
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now please stay I
Am just a shell made of superflus things
I am a bean of coffee that hasn't been discovered
I have a different flavor I
Am not like every bean I
Am whole and raw
New and scared I
Am a woman that hasn't had a chance to bloom yet I
Have not passed the stages of life like the others I
Have not been taken on a date
Or gotten a real first kiss I
Have been used for *** by people who did not care I
Thought no one would ever want me I
Let myself be used because I was too scared
To wake up and realize I would wait my whole life I
Am insecurity itself
Hiding behind the awful shield of over confidence and disdain
I am a ****** in love I
Have no idea how good love could feel as I have never felt it I
Ran away and I am terrified to fall in love I
Have been used as a ****** object I
Let myself believe this was all I was good for and I
Don't know pleasure or trust or kindness or love or care or passion I know
Hard and strong
Hot and silent
Sad and terrifying
Guilt and shame
Fear and loneliness I
Am a master at hiding away
My emotions I
Don't know how to feel good I
Have not been taken on a date I
Have never gotten a real first kiss I
Don't know how to make love in a world where everyone has experienced it I
Am a abomination I
Don't know how to let people in because of their expectations I
Am expected to put out and enjoy it I
Am expected to be okay with hands touching my body I
Am expected to know what to do I
Am expected to know how to give and receive I
Am a child I
Am a shaking thirteen year old I
Don't know what butterflies in my stomach are and I
Need someone who understands I
Can't be treated like every other girl I
Am a shaking fourteen year old I
Don't know what lips against mine feel like I
Have the emotional drive of a toddler I
Need to be explained everything and I
Need to be shown how to walk I
Can't be expected to be a twenty year old I
Have the ****** drive of a plant I
Don't know how good it could be or
How anything works I
Need to be watered everyday before I can bloom I
Need the pressure to be a ****** object to stop I
Don't know how to cope with any of the hormones rushing  my brain I
Want things like holding hands to be a huge step I
Want things like the brush of his lips on my forehead to mean the world I
Can't skip any steps I
Am a toddler and I
Can't be expected to run before I can walk I
Have done horrible things to myself and now I
Want to start over but
How would this ever work in a world so focused on ***.
I want my man like I like my blanket
Warm and secure
Hugging me all night to keep the nightmares away
Soaking in my fears and protecting me from the monsters under my bed I
Am only a child.

The sparkle in his eye
The dimple in his smile
She looks around and stares
At the life that passes her by
Each step she takes
Drives her backwards
Into a darkness
She can never escape
It pulls her under
And the memories rush back
The sparkle in his eye
The dimple in his smile
The breath she was desperately holding
To stay awake and keep her eyes open
Into the sea, the water clogging at her
Searching for a way in,
Deeper and deeper in.

Everything is my head is different
Thoughts are formed into words that can't be spoken
Everything in my head is more intense
Explosion of colors and emotions that can't be handled
Everything in my head is younger
Asking lots of questions and wondering why, always why
Everthing in my head is black
Darkness made by years of hurt, loneliness and unrequited love
Everything in my head is colorful
Rainbows of lights that guide me back
Home where my heart always lays
Everything in my head is vulnerable
Hearing and seeing all the things humanity does
The good and the bad
The sad and the happy
I can't handle it all because I feel so much so fast so deep for so long and
I
Can't
Breathe.
*(Help me breathe again).

I am exactly the way you left me
In the wintery day you said I wasn't worthy
The snow has turned me to ice
Like the words spit from your lips turned my heart to glass
So easily shattered
Icebergs of the past revealing the truth of thousands of years in hiding
Brittle bones and DNA
As if you didn't know pain is only temporary
But traces of love last forever
No matter how broken I am
Memories of completeness linger at the back of my mind
Surface back in my dreams like ice cubes in water
Slowly dissolving, transparent and ever changing
Ever alive
A few deep breaths and I see smoke
From the dragon lungs I own
Since the day you turned my heart to ashes
And every season it burst aflame again
Each time a breath comes out
So does the smoke from my burned spirit
And I am back on track
Not the girl I once was
But stronger and weaker at the same time
Strong, lonely and sad… just like you
Hard to love
And be loved
Hard to break
Too tough for you
Sparks flew then it was over
And the only memories I own are those the flames consumed
With burning passion the love evaporated in the heat
Just like the breath of life
I insuflated in your lungs
With my cold cold soul
I am exactly the way you left me
And moving on isn't easy

When you spoke my name
I could close my eyes and feel
How safe I sounded in your voice
How close to the sky you brought me
With a single sound
You lifted me
And my name on your lips
Was not said the way everyone else said it
My name of your lips
Sounded like
I had the key to heaven
I had your heart in my hands
I had your happiness in my soul
I had all the things you needed
In your voice I was perfect
But like the heart you took away from me
So did the way
You spoke my name

(I never would have dropped your heart
If only you would have left it in my hands
Instead of taking it to someone else
Who's hands will get slippery
And perhaps your heart will drop
And I won't say
I told you so
But your heart would have been safe in my hands)

In another life I was a wolf
Running around in
Cold
Deserted
Empty
Hostile places
Ready to take down whoever or whatever stood in the way of my survival
Living by myself
Hunting by myself
Counting on my skills to survive
Because I am fierce
I am strong
I am a wolf
Untouchable
Mezmerizing
Mysterious
Dangerous
I am not gentle nor am I happy
I only have one goal
And I work toward it everyday of my life
Not resting for one second because they count on me
To be strong
To come back home at dawn
To be invincible
I am a wolf
And I have this hunting instinct but also this possessive instinct
I need them to strive and it will only happen if I take care of them
Everyday
I offer them what they need to become strong
To become fierce
To become like their mother
Invincible.
They don't know the fear I experience, or the constant guard up
They know what I choose to show them and they are gullible
They are small
They are fragile
And I need to put up a strong front because they will never grow up
They will never live
If I don't take care of them.
I am a wolf
And I feed my dreams everyday
I hunt opportunites down, I put up a strong front
I reassure them everything will be fine
Because they need to hear it
Because no matter how dangerous life is for dreams
They have a strong wolf to hold on to
Maybe… even… they might end up turning into reality
Because dreams have only one wish
For the wolf to turn into a human
For the human to make them come true.

I still wonder how you can love me
When I cannot love myself
And everyday I pray I'll find a way to see
What you see in me
And everyday I pray I'll find a way to see
What I do to make you happy

Injecte des mots dans mes veines
Emplis mon coeur de passion
Je suis ton jardin d'Eden
Un esprit d'illusion

Observe les étoiles dans mon regard
Et la promesse des mots sérieux
Ne te moque pas de mon ******
Je n'ai pas le temps de me perdre dans tes yeux

Donne moi le temps de souffrir
Pour comprendre la valeur d'un sourire
Je ne suis pas une guerrière
Bien qu'en contestent mes blessures dernières

Invente-moi un poème
Sous la lumière de la lune
Je t'en prie reste toi-même
Ton ombre est une importune

Elle n'a jamais sur parler le language de ton âme
Ou de ton corps en flamme
Elle ne connaît pas la lumière qui émane de toi
Ni la sureté que tu me procure en me prenant dans tes bras

Je n'ai pas besoin de ta protection
Si seulement tu me proposais l'option
Des mensonges sur tes lèvres lorsque tu ne comprends pas
Que la seule chose dont j'ai besoin chaque nuit, c'est toi

Tu m'accuses de prendre trop de place
Dans ton cœur protégé d'une cuirasse
Je ne sais pas comment briser le bouclier autour de ta peur
Et chaque jour un peu plus je me meurs

De toi
Du son de ta voix
De ta présence tout près de moi
Je me rétracte doucement
Vers l'ombre que j'ai rejetée
Ton cœur n'a rien de flamboyant
J'ai compris que tu l'avais brûlé

She never looks up
But I have imagined her smile to be
A thousand shades of
Happiness.

Her expression is calm
But her eyes are fierce
They light up with joy when I
Find her hiding behind
A thousand faces.

I had not imagined it
That pull
That traction between us
And I am glad I got to experience it
One last time.

I now know
When the next one comes along
Just how much pull I can take
Before I break.

"Someone punctured your skin five years ago, and you are still bleeding."

"I tried to cover the wound with words, with tears, with time, with my own two hands… nothing was ever enough."

Being with other people is a skill that I lost

Your love was a Tsunami
You swept me away
Brought me so far from home
And into the unknown

W                                S
A              E
  V

   after

W                                S
A              E
  V

after

W                                S­
A              E
  V

And though the aftershocks are almost invisible
And though the waves are smaller and smaller
The water will recede, I know
And I will be left with devastation
And a new landscape I will need to reconstruct on my own
But right now
*I am still drowning

Her eyes are two galaxies full of secrets,
But you know with time she will reveal her past,
Confess her hopes for the futures and her dreams for the present.
You wait.
Like a wild wolf, she approaches slowly, it takes time but all you have is time,
Time,
A lifetime as she approaches and you raise a hand and watch as she
Unravels.
Speaks with confidence and a hint of vulnerability.
Instantly, you want to shelter her from the hurt of the world,
Shelter her for the pain, the rejection, the heartbreaks,
But the only shelter you have is the strength of your
Words,
The quality of your
Arms
Wrapped around her.
You hope, you pray,
*Please, God, let this be enough.

What two weeks do to you when you cease to speak to the one you love:*
Dreams.
They haunt you, day and night, filled with images of the past, possibilities of the future.
The future you envisonned for the both of you, once upon a time.
The future you destroyed before it destroyed you.
Memories.
A smell, a slightly similar profile, a piece of clothing that looks just so…
It's not him.
Anger.
Sadness.
Freedom.
In this order.
Let the emotions run you, let yourself feel the spectrum of emotions, you will wear yourself out
Eventually.
Eventually is the word I hold on to, still.
Soon.
One day.
Perhaps.
I spend my nights with you and my days finding you everywhere I go.
But the days, they pass.
And you, you disappear.
Eventually, you'll be gone.
And I,
I will be
Free

I own an umbrella
A black umbrella
With all the colors of the rainbow underneath
I own an umbrella
Which protects me from the rain and the bad days
I own an umbrella
Dark outside and colorful inside
I own an umbrella
That looks just like me
I own an umbrella that reflects my soul
I own an umbrella
And it makes me smile
Because the irony is not lost on me
That everytime I open the ****** object
My heart blooms with hope
That someone would notice
It's not simply an umbrella
It's not a random pick
It's a black umbrella
With all the colors of the rainbow underneath
It's an umbrella
Dark outside and colorful inside
Which, when closed, lets appear a sneak peek
Of how it truly is inside
Sparks of colors
Sparks of light
Life
Happiness
But no one will know
Unless they open it
And look up
Into the rainbow
That protects me from the rain

Water used to be my favourite element
I would submerge and
The thoughts, the worry, the questions…
Washed away by the tide but
Since you left your print on me
I dread every drop
A tear, the rain, a shower, the ocean
I fear it will wash away
The sound of your laugh
The light in your eyes
The color of your smile
The beauty of your thoughts
The detail of your dreams
The softness of your head against mine
The kisses you laid on me
The caress on my shoulder
And every other
Little mark
You left on me
Unconsciously
I never want them to stray from me but
I fear I have no other choice
But to let time heal the wounds
You inflicted on me
Unconsciously
Each drop will erase
Why I fell, why I laughed, why I loved
And why I thought you were irreplaceable
To me
But maybe
You will leave my mind empty
Unconsciously

The last person to touch my lips was you
Three years ago but I still remember you
The ice of your fingers on my skin
And every little detail in between
The moment you looked up
The moment you walked out
And the three little words you never said
Suspended like water drops
In an another universe

My body was a temple and they ruined it
Pounded it down with each ******
Destroying my kingdom of freedom
Eviscerating my peace of mind
With their doomed swords.

We are all very lonely poets
Perhaps we should
Date each other.

I am rich from all the things I have lost
Vanishing into a mist of missed opportunities
The knowledge lies inside, quiet like a lake
When he leaves for battle my skin aches and breaks
We take on our true form when they're gone
Layers of flesh fall to the ground
Underneath this tiny heart a dragon rises from the ground
I open yellow eyes and wake
Tough skin and deadly claws
You smiled at me and disappeared
For many years I will guard alone
The tiny home we call our own
Shed my skin and try on a new soul
Thousands of years old and rusted to the bone
My soul springs awake, gets ready for battle
But nothing lasts forever, nothing is ever given
Words are written, said and stolen
They want it back
Eventually
They always want it back
Greediness is the wound of Man
The result is spilled blood
And fallen tears
Wars are fought over countries
Murders are committed by passion
Cold blooded, show no compassion
Red is the colour of our everyday lives
And in necessary cases we spread our wings wide
Our homes we protect, our treasures we hide
We bare our teeth and hiss a cry
To scare them away we aim and fire
Open our eyes and watch over our treasure
In the midst of war we still smile and murmur
Make promises of brighter days
We will hand our skin in the living room
And pretend we never left the room
We will smile and welcome them home
Under the rug the trap will squeak quitely
A hidden mistress underneath our home
Treasures lie quiet and concealed
*Late at night
I
Open
The
Safe
And
Peek
In it I can see all the treasures you didn't take away from me

I like my men like I like my coffee
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now go away I
Like my coffee like I like my ***
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now go away I
Like my *** like I like my men
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now please stay I
Am just a shell made of superflus things
I am a bean of coffee that hasn't been discovered
I have a different flavor I
Am not like every bean I
Am whole and raw
New and scared I
Am a woman that hasn't had a chance to bloom yet I
Have not aced the stages of life like the others I
Have not been taken on a date
Or gotten a real first kiss I
Have been used for *** by people who did not care I
Thought no one would ever want me I
Let myself be used because I was too scared
To wake up and realize I would wait my whole life I
Am insecurity itself
Hiding behind the awful shield of over confidence and disdain
I am a ****** in love I
Ran away and I am terrified to fall in love I
Have been used as a ****** object I
Let myself believe it was all I was good for and I
Don't know pleasure or trust or kindness or love or care or passion I know
Hard and strong
Hot and silent
Sad and terrifying
Guilt and shame
Fear and loneliness I
Am a master at hiding away
My emotions I
Have not been taken on a date I
Have never gotten a real first kiss I
Don't know how to make love in a world where everyone *****
Am a abomination I
Don't know how to let people in because I
Am expected to put out and enjoy it I
Am expected to be okay with hands touching my body I
Am expected to know what to do I
Am expected to know how to give and receive I
Am a child I
Am a shaking thirteen year old I
Don't know what butterflies in my stomach are and I
Need someone who understands I
Can't be treated like every other girl I
Am a shaking fourteen year old I
Don't know what lips against mine feel like I
Have the emotional drive of a toddler I
Need to be explained everything and I
Need to be shown how to walk I
Can't be expected to be a twenty year old I
Have the ****** drive of a plant I
Don't know how good it could be or
How anything works I
Need to be watered everyday before I can bloom I
Need the pressure to be a ****** object to stop I
Don't know how to cope with any of the hormones rushing  my brain I
Want things like holding hands to be a huge step I
Want things like the brush of his lips on my forehead to mean the world I
Can't skip any steps I
Am a toddler and I
Can't be expected to run before I can walk I
Have done horrible things to myself and now I
Want to start over but
How would this ever work in a world so focused on ***.
I want my man like I want my blanket
Warm and secure
Hugging me all night to keep the nightmares away
Soaking in my fears and protecting me from the monsters under my bed I
Am only a child.