I tried to reach out to someone about depression.
About how I want to die.
He talked about his life--
Then we had ***.

I look around
But all I see is grey.

Grey like the clouds that plague these skies
Grey like the gravel beneath my feet in which I trudge
Grey like the fog that clouds my judgement
Grey...like the beards upon my elders, bleak and withered

I try to feel
But all is nothing but bleak... miserable... and empty
Everything I worked so hard to accomplish is nothing but embers in the wind
I didnt do it just for me, no. I did it for us, though it seems I failed...again
I couldnt make our wish come true, and now... Now I cant make you happy anymore... I miss your smile...

That one dream
One wish
One hope...
...*has been crushed

I am a distant star
a star that you can only see
in your darkest times
a star that you can't see
when your sun shines

I am the moon
outshone and overshadowed
by your bright sunny star
but you seek me at night
to guide you through the dark

I am the one you seek
only when you're troubled
I am non-existent
when you're in bliss
Is that all I am to you?

I start this off without any words
But they will come
This is a blessing and a curse
These words and memories I wish to forget are my salvation and damnation all in one
Inside I am screaming
No one knows
No one cares
What can I do ?
Nothing
I'm tired of being mad
I'm tired of being sad
All I want to do is to say what's on my mind
I just want to scream i'm afraid if I start I will never stop
Maybe that's not a bad thing
I'm trying to explain
It really hurts my brain
Who will care? I am afraid, I am so frightened of who I am I can't speak
I am usurped by panic at the thought of another day on this drudgery that is my own existence
There are no other options …
I am described as a disaster
Because my heart has been fixed with plaster
I may not have forgiven myself for the shame
But I can't wallow in my sorrow
Because I have to make something of tomorrow
Repedily  I  regurgitate the same old sentiment of positivity and hopeless hopefulness
That I have grown so accustomed to.
“ Tomorrow is a new and better day”
“ It has to stop raining sometime”  ~ Has anyone heard “ Our thoughts determine our reality”?
So if tomorrow is another day how should I face it should it become another today ?
So why do I continue to say these things ?
For the benefits of myself ?  
Or for those who are listening.



Written by:
Amanda O’Brien

There is something I should tell you
Something you may know
You see, I have this problem
It formed a long time ago
It started when I was 10
A little chubby, a little reserved
I was a victim and a target
I got what I never deserved
With the few friends I had
We started growing apart
For little did they know
I needed a new start
I was done with the torture
The rejection, so I changed
If only I could have seen
This idea was deranged
I starved myself of the food
That caused me so much pain
Little did I know
That things would not change
They still looked at me the same
As a helpless little toy
That they loved to play with
That they had to destroy
Hidding in a skeleton
Was the mess that was made
I lost all hope
I could not be saved
My worst fear was people
For they caused me so much doubt
That I felt the urge to leave
I had to get out
I don't want to grow up anymore
I never expected it to turn out like this
Why does everyone want to hurt me?
Is this what living is?
So many times I have tried
To be more optimistic
But everywhere I go
The people are horrific
He used her, he got me
He cheated and lied
He is in jail
For things he couldn't hide
She hurt me, she was fake
Once she was my only friend
Now she's gone and
Our friendship has met its end
I loved him, he didn't love me
I guess I should have known
His heart belongs to her
And he has her own
Eating makes me sick
I don't get very much sleep
I can't take this any longer
I have fallen way to steep
"I can't drowned my demons
They know how to swim"
My demons are the people
And I have let them win
This problem I am talking about
Not many can suggest
But since I was the age of 10
I have felt depressed

Comfort in the
Thought of death.
Not death upon myself,
Or commiting a ******
But solely the thought
Of death.

We live an entire
life of wrongdoing
And good.
A life of obscurity
And abrupt openness.
We venture to abide
To the social norm.
We try so hard
In everything we do
And suddenly none
Of it mattered
And our entire worldly
Existence was worthless.
c.g.

Wake up late
Run to the bus
Finish up school
Do homework on the bus
Walk (kick, wander, jump, skip) home
The days are as simple as those 5 steps but when the night creeps In the doorway with me, arriving home at 6pm,
I feel the wollow of worthlesness
As if I am weightless
Absolutely empty.
What is my worth to this world?
Thought about it a million times.
And I am truly a nothing
But those 5 steps

I am incapable
I am insufficient
Unworthy
To walk the path of man
What I have down
Or what I thought I did
Is inexcusable
My abilities over reached me
And now your gone.
I am now left with
The hidden messages in your
Bleeding words

You know those moments
where you just feel so
worthless
for no reason.
Like out of the
blue
the entire world
comes crashing
d
o
w
n
even though you were
feeling perfectly fine
the minute before.

All of a sudden
someone calls you over
or asks for you
and you realize you're so
angry
and there's so much just
bubbling inside
and it comes out.

Except it's not what you expect.

All of a sudden
you find yourself feeling so
tired
and
weak
and all you want to do
is lay down and
dig yourself a hole.

All of a sudden
you want to be buried
but not die.

Every time you breathe,
you feel all of this
anguish
deep in the pit
of your stomach and
in the centre of your chest
and it makes you want to
claw your insides out.

But you don't want to die
because somewhere
deep
deep
inside your mind
you enjoy it.

You enjoy
this sadness
and this pain
and these tears
and all the hurt.
The hurt that makes you
want to disappear
and hide away
and run
and sleep
and fall
and curl up
all at once.

All of a sudden
you're so worthless
so meaningless
and you...
You're not even sure
how you feel
you're just angry
and annoyed
and sad
and everything.

It's so much,
and you can't even register
what's happening.

You just lie there
and enjoy the feeling
in the centre of your chest
and in the pit of your stomach.

You lie there
and do nothing.
Nothing
because that's all
you can do
and all you amount to.
Nothing.