Say goodbye to freedom from restriction
Say hello to these walls, Cause we're boxed in
Hear the voices inside
As they're screamin'
Put your own needs aside
It's time we begin

You've been waiting for miracles
He's been wishing on stars
She's been dreaming of rainbows
I've been counting these scars

If everyone gave up
We would go just as far
Stopping now could be easy
Moving forward is hard
So stay in your corner
Locked inside you're own head
Keep on waiting,
Keep on wishing,
Keep on dreaming,
Until you're dead.

I think I understand now why I keep my room so messy

When I declutter the physical, I have to acknowledge all of the emotional
the idea of not feeling good enough, responsible enough, bold enough
As long as there is **** everywhere, I don't have to focus on the unseen and the stuff no one is able to see

The constant depression

The having to convince myself I am okay. The self-doubt I feel about maybe not being able to afford to live my dreams and to have the lifestyle that I so desperately want to have.

I know that none of this is real and it is all my perception so I clean out the trash, do the laundry and put the physical together so that I can truly begin to handle, no surviving NO thriving in the emotional aspects of my Life.

Logically, I know after you left you were fine. I know that you didn't spend the next six months trying to learn how to function again without me, but a small part of me hopes that you did. A part of me hopes more than anything that you spent hours remembering the way your name sounded falling from my lips and how your eyes looked reflected into mine. I hope that you stayed up at all hours of the night clawing at your own soul attempting to find who you were without traces of me being left behind. That every time you heard that song and felt the urge to sing in the car with you windows down your throat burned worse than if you had downed an entire bottle of *****. When she held your hand it felt like razor blades and when she kissed you is felt like you were swallowing shards of glass. I hope you felt things you weren't able to control and I hope you weren't able to lay wrapped in her duvet listening to her talk about a future with you because all you could here was my name blaring over a loud speaker in your mind. I hope for her sake she didn't get the chance to fall in love with you, that you left to come searching for me before she had the time. And I ******* hope more than anything that you experienced half of the pain I did the day you told me you never really loved me. That when you came home last night and I was in his arms and you saw that I finally found another person who could calm my nightmares, that it felt like I was ripping your heart and soul out all in one go and throwing them off the same cliff we went diving off of on our first date.

I also hope you realize that none of this is true. I want to see you smile again, desperately. Even if the next time I see it as on your wedding day when you're handing your love to another, I will not be able to properly breathe without seeing your eyes light up with love again. I hope you realize that no matter how many times you see me wrapped in his arms and I scream i hate you off the rooftops that you will remember the way my lips were afraid to touch yours the first time because I was and still am so ******* in love with you. C.a.l

When you see other couples sitting in the same coffee shop in which you met him does it tear you apart? Do you look at them holding hands and laughing and want to run over and slap them both and tell them it isn't real? That none of this **** we call love is real. He will leave because she isn't ready to settle down and then he will be calling her when he's forty years old and asking why she wanted to break into that abandoned building so badly but she'll say honey I've got to call you back my five children I didn't want are on their way to school and I've got to hurry to go to my office job because I never pursued to artistic career you always wished I would. Do you want to take their life and throw it in their face and tell her to flush the promise ring along with the rest of her life because after you love someone as deeply as she does him you're ****** for life. They leave and you spend the next seventy years wondering if their voicemail is still dedicated to you. You see the way their eyes glow and their gradient smiles filled with laughter bounce off the walls and you miss every piece of him so much but you never say anything. Instead you go sit in your car and record a voicemail to yourself pretending as if he'll hear it in the morning and maybe have the same gradient smile or vibrant eyes that he did so many years ago. C.a.l

You bury all your problems,
beneath sunflower beds
and your back porch.
Cause the sun will take your sadness,
and drown it with its warmth.
And you'll sweep off the front steps,
shake out the welcome mat,
hoping he'll come inside.
And perhaps he will stay awhile,
and hold you through the night.

At night, the darkness is the worst.
Not the lack of light
The lack of courage in my soul.
My demons rush in
The monsters come out
The worst thoughts make me want to hide.
But I can't.
I don't get to run from the past
I don't get to hide from my mistakes.
I only get this night
And the morning that follows.

When the darkness closes in
And the monsters bare their fangs
I hope for you then.
I hope for your touch
For the smell of your hair
For the light in your blue eyes
For the whisper of your words
Of your love.

I hope for all those things.
My shields against the terror
My beacons in the darkness
My guiding light through the fog

I hope and wish for you
In the darkest night

I feel myself
crumple and crease
like the folds of a
crushed paper bag.

My skin weighs on me
as I pinch the thickness
of my thighs and sides.

Bruises forming where
skin should be thin,
but has been memorized
by fingers that shake
whenever I cry.

I am not made of silk.

I miss you every day, as I pretend you never existed
It's the only way I feel ok, but my mind is twisted
I love you, I always will
I just hope feeling alright doesn't always rely on these pills.

I'm not ready to move on, my unconscious clearly shows me that
I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know you'll be there
and when I wake up, I just stare
blankly into the light of my clock, trying not to feel
disappointed in the fact that you'll never be here.

All night, I run from sleep to avoid those dreams I hate
but in the morning I scratch at the door of unconsciousness
begging it to let me back in,
because those dreams are my only escape.