Logically, I know after you left you were fine. I know that you didn't spend the next six months trying to learn how to function again without me, but a small part of me hopes that you did. A part of me hopes more than anything that you spent hours remembering the way your name sounded falling from my lips and how your eyes looked reflected into mine. I hope that you stayed up at all hours of the night clawing at your own soul attempting to find who you were without traces of me being left behind. That every time you heard that song and felt the urge to sing in the car with you windows down your throat burned worse than if you had downed an entire bottle of *****. When she held your hand it felt like razor blades and when she kissed you is felt like you were swallowing shards of glass. I hope you felt things you weren't able to control and I hope you weren't able to lay wrapped in her duvet listening to her talk about a future with you because all you could here was my name blaring over a loud speaker in your mind. I hope for her sake she didn't get the chance to fall in love with you, that you left to come searching for me before she had the time. And I ******* hope more than anything that you experienced half of the pain I did the day you told me you never really loved me. That when you came home last night and I was in his arms and you saw that I finally found another person who could calm my nightmares, that it felt like I was ripping your heart and soul out all in one go and throwing them off the same cliff we went diving off of on our first date.

I also hope you realize that none of this is true. I want to see you smile again, desperately. Even if the next time I see it as on your wedding day when you're handing your love to another, I will not be able to properly breathe without seeing your eyes light up with love again. I hope you realize that no matter how many times you see me wrapped in his arms and I scream i hate you off the rooftops that you will remember the way my lips were afraid to touch yours the first time because I was and still am so ******* in love with you. C.a.l