A life without problems is something that we all secretly wish for.
I think more than we realize, problems is what makes us who we are.
Every single day it's a battle, whether we know it or not.
We dress in our armor, shoulder blades and helmets.
Made out of steel to protect us from the world and from one another.
We charge head first into a fight, blinded by adrenaline.
And get torn down to the bones. We can see your skeleton.
All of your deepest aspirations, the love and hatred all blended into one.
Displayed out on the floor for everyone to see.
This isn't the person I wanted you to be.
Who are you? Silence abounds, the decisions have become so muddled.
The door has been shut.
Take a deep breath, try again.
Once again, you put on your armor.
Sliding on the metal chest plate and helmet, you feel redeemed.
There was nothing in this world that could hold you back.
Or so you thought, you were so sure that you would succeed.
You were so sure that nothing in this world could stop you.
And that any foe you ever met would just leave you alone.
You were wrong, and I was a fool to believe you.
I sat idly by while you fought in the war, not saying a word.
I was too afraid, terrified really that you would come home too soon.
I listened as you rambled on about your buddies and your struggles.
I enjoy the way that you strung words into a sentence in a manner that was so elegant.
You told me that, everything was going to be okay, as long as you were in control.
Speak only if spoken to, you're wrong, I will speak whenever I please.
I prepare for a final battle. I slowly put on the mask of a warrior.
You stand up tall and look down at me and laugh for you underestimate my tenacity.
To you, I was nothing more than a memory.
The bell rings and the fight commences.
Two shots at my face.
Three shots down the drain.
Four shots, and you scream out my name.
Five shots, I’m tired of your little game.
Six shots, I will no longer cower in shame.
You taught me what it was like to have freedom.
The freedom to live, the freedom to explore, the freedom to be me.
Why did you take it away? I ask with tears rolling down my cheeks.
I fought for this life, I fought for this love, and I fought for my choice.
A world where I cannot speak, is a world not worth living in.
Because in this world, I have chosen to fight for my voice.

I listened to my inner voice....
When I was filled with fear, when I learned at a young age that real monsters do exist and they are not like the ones in any story book I ever read. The monsters stole away any normal childhood that I could of or should of had.  Pain muted my words from flowing and poisoned my thoughts into growing... this is why I trusted no one.  
At the time I had no other choice... when I was
really the only friend I could totally depend on and count on
I listened to my inner voice...


I listened to my heart...
When all I could hear was a pounding in my ears, when all around me was like a crazy chaotic whirlwind screeching like a barred owl that would then break apart into tiny pieces and sink into a cold abyss forgotten by the sea.  I couldn’t forget the grief as it was real and still inside me. There was a brokenness about me my
heart was fragile and it balanced on the tip of my own desperation
but still I listened to my heart...
          
I listened to the words...
Slowly but surely I was able to come out from that darkened sea and was finally able to try and heal me. Words became my saving grace. I learned to not have muted lips and could give myself a fighting chance. I was able to tear down some of those protective walls to try again to live only in this moment without the armor and the hesitation. Writing became my new love... together we became an inseparable piece of one existence...
I felt so much better after I listened to the words ....

Glasses;
so big!
With curves and crevices,
and area so majestic
like a continent never explored.

Glasses;
so revolutionary!
With voice and passion,
and struggles so deep
like a country in depression.

Glasses;
so new!
With a new page arriving,
and vision to again be clear
like a scope through the old horror.

I have often felt my words
         Suppressed by the silence.
Of a thousand voices in a room
         None of which are mine.

They say it isn’t healthy
        To keep it all inside.
But what would they say
          If I really spoke my mind?

They aren’t all kind
         Nor are they always smart
But the thoughts are my own
        I can’t help that part.

Would my friends frown
        Or look at me with disdain?
If I told them I wasn’t always happy
        Like my face always says.

But what other choice do I have
           They want this charade.
Of laughter, of a carefree life
             Even when it's a fraud.

I can feel the encompassing force
           Pressing into my mind
Like the inevitable end of day


      And dawning of the night.

The worlds never truly silent
turn off your television and just listen
tires rolling over the iced streets outside
the buzzing of the street light
the pitter patter of a gutter next door
streaming water
as the water runs down the side of the curb
like children in a playground
it dances and laughs its way to the open drain
I lite my cigarette and blow a big cloud towards the stars
I hear the airplanes in the sky passing by
and a cat hisses at something in a dark corner
As I inhale again I can hear my lungs fill up with the toxic aroma
and I taste the smoke under my fingernails as a chew them off.
I hear the sound of feet and look across the street two young kids holding hands walking
I try to eavesdrop on their conversation but the cars passing bye blocks my attempt at spying on them. I can hear what their saying to each other as I see them both smiling "it's cold out here.. but your warm" I'm jealous almost and just as I think this my cigarette burns me and brings me back to the echo of the town. I toss the burnt end and here it land in a puddle I watch as it gets taken away down along the side of my house. were all a generation of the television society and left out brains on the couch as we stuff our faces full of potato chips and useless tv programs. When the real entertainment waits for us outside. where the music of the world is waiting to be heard. Instead we click our remotes and fall into a trance of law and order tv programs and violence upon violence school shootings and who the next mass ****** is a sick twisted form of entertainment. I guess listening to the world got so boring...... I guess I'm the only one who sees the world as a untamed orchestra waiting to be composed into a lovely sympathy. On mistro On you play for your little sounds are not useless I here you playing and strumming the world is perfectly in tune if you just listen.

Sometimes I stop and wonder what it would be like if I wasn't here
Sometimes I think if I'm pretty enough?
If I'm thin enough?
If I will ever be popular?
I say to myself "Would life be better without me?"
Some voices in my head say yes
Others say no
Which voice do you think I listened to?
Well if I'm telling you this, it's obvious that I stayed
I'm glad I stayed

I have blisters on my fingers
from playing for too long
because I was trying
to learn your favourite song

I have a croaky voice now
from singing far too high
from trying to sing a melody
that reaches towards the sky

My guitar is out of tune
because of what you said
you told me I was good and
I let it go to my head

My uke is sitting sadly
untouched for quite awhile
because what I play isn't worth it
if I can't make you smile.

Yelling from my peers
I shouldn't be here
But it wasn't my choice
Its that small little voice,
Yelling
Screaming
Perfection is what I strive for
Pain stabbing to the core
But really I just can't handle this
It's reality I miss
To close to the edge
Nightmares of jumping off the ledge
I'm tired of eveyone's fake kindness
I'm a mess.

Do you not understand that no means no?
That stop means stop?
That all of this could be over and done,
if you would just listen to what I have to say?

You call me names because I tell you to leave,
and you talk down to me when I don't want to hear your apology.

You say you want to make peace,
but you only want to hear your side of the story.

You say that I'm wrong.
That this is my fault.

But oh, my friend, you are the one at fault.
None of this can fall back on me.

So please, just leave me alone.
That is all that I ask.
I need to clear my head,
because all you're doing is clouding it up.

Please listen to me now when I say no,
since the first time wasn't enough.

Why can't I do anything right?
I can feel the rope around my neck getting tight.
I am not sure if I am having an anxiety attack,
but my vision is fading to black.

I should shut up!
Seriously
I don't know why I keep talking,
but my breathing is getting balking.

My heart is going the speed that my fingers are flying over the keyboard
and I can feel cramps starting to erupt,
and I am trying to hold them tight,
trying to press everything right.
But with shaking hands it's not so light!

All I did was drink
2 glasses to be precise
and the next thing I know
is that I wake up to apologize
to a girl that I love
which I called a **** for fun

And that's where the drama begun.

She asked if a was already down the drain
And even with a clouded brain
I saw the mistake in her spelling
and thought it would be fun to be the one telling:

“Are you grammatically incorrect?”

And all I hear this morning is the loud voice that yells at me
“You are rekt”

And she is right, I am.
I hurt the one most precious to me
Just by saying something that I thought was funny.

Running my mouth is like running a train.
An unstoppable force
until it rolls of the rails.

But from now on I'll keep quiet,
I swear to you, my dearest one,
because I can't see you being gone.