It only lasts for a limited period of time, coincidence this just describes my happiness or the beings in this life. It's crazy how nothing never lasts, I've forgotten the sound of my laughter. I fall for a temporary high, my temporary escape; what I think I need to get by . I want anything but temporary, I crave for something that will be permanent. My soul acquiesce to anything temporal, but I now renounce all that. I just despise how confidence seems to vanish right at the time you need it the most, I mean there will be days where my dear friend confidence will be there but what's the use of her when she'll just disappear the moment a remark would be made about me. Whenever that angry voice in these four walls in my mind would tell me "you're ugly" "you're too skinny or too fat". I tried to recover, I tried my best to get better but somewhere along the way I realised it was all temporary. I fell apart again, I lost again and they'd laugh at me! Crying myself to sleep seems like the best option but I go with the unhealthy coping mechanism; slitting my wrists. The pain seems acceptable for awhile but what happens when you got so used to the blade that you can't even cope without it. I thought it was temporal, I thought I'd manage without it but I'd tell myself "one cut upon that wrist means a step closer to goodbye".

Fly–Floating away
Toes gripping the earth

“Not today.”—and I sway

Rush 2 grab what little I have
                                                            ­                                  Are you mad?
3 to 1
And the bottle’s gone

Fictitious lawn
Fumbling home
Stare deeply—oh dead-eyed drone

Screams turn to whispers
My mental blisters—take haste and heal
Inevitable scars?
And still I a–peel

Shoot up
                                                              ­                              Good morning.
Blinded by salty I’s
Higher eye rise

                                                           ­                            You must be mad.

Surprise!
Skies contaminated by cries
Ensuring an anticipatory demise
No way to sur–                                                             ­                     prise!

Heart drops
Incohesive thoughts

Towards regrets
Plunging until the earth is met

Shoot up—Grounded
                                                     ­                                           Not for long.
And I sway

sitting across from you
at the white kitchen table
or cross-legged on my side of the bed
is someone hollow.
not as sweet as a fig. not as dead
as the inside of a black rotting trunk
but close. i do not hold beautiful things
like a terracotta vase. inside my head
is a seam ripper that splits everything
down the middle. sometimes
you are standing in front of the bright window,
glowing like a saint. sometimes
i let you fall into an algae-lined pool
that i will not pay to have cleaned.
everything is floating within me.
i haven’t figured out
how to anchor this stuff down.

no one ever taught me how

I know what ensues.
It's a bitter fact,
Pain, hate and abuse.
It hurts me to say that
You're monstrous.

Just how can I hate you?
You were my hero once.
I cannot erase you,
You're the air in my lungs
But cancerous.

There’s nothing worse than a girl desperate for love:

A girl that pities herself enough to think she is so intrinsically broken
she couldn’t even connect with someone biologically destined to love her;
A girl stupid enough to learn that love is a reward that she must earn,
yet frantic enough to always work too hard for it;
A girl that overcompensates. Begs. Forces.
A girl that claims she ‘Doesn’t know what to do with love’
when it comes along, so that, naturally, she can smother it;
A girl who’s biggest fear is abandonment, yet is an expert on expecting too much;
A girl that’s waiting to be saved, but would tell you she doesn’t deserve it;
A girl that still obsesses over ways she has been bruised
when surrounded by people that have helped her heal;
A girl who’s self involved, with no sense of self;
A girl that cries. And cries. And cries.

There’s nothing worse than a girl desperate for love.

Throats hoarsen with daggered insults
A plea for control –
A threat of death–
A trust long frayed.

One arm reaches for the other
And uses it as a batting ram
A steady. beat.
Impounding on a vacuumed. chest.

And when hours pass
And scars are painted over
She provides flesh on a porcelain platter–
An apology for mistakes never made
She stares blankly beneath the sheets
And screams.
But hoarse throats make no sound.

You use to sneer at me,
As if you were better than me,
You use to look down at me through soft lashes,
You smoked so you could slowly choke me with ashes,
You would say "Without ME you are NOTHING",

Well I might not be much, but I AM something,
I will not stand in your shadow, I'll cast my own,
I won't let your self loathing deliver me into an early grave stone,

Although I must admit I crave the feeling of your flesh upon mine,
I want to slide your taste over my lips like fine wine,
Im slightly disgusted by this need to satisfy this primal hunger inside  me,
My body betrays me while an unnatural lust brings me to my knees,
The only good thing about you was your ability to ******,
Only through carnal cravings could we call a truce,

You thought that if you could make my body feel good I would need you,
You would tell me that the only thing I was good at was laying beneath you,
You tried to dig me up so that I couldn't bloom where I was planted,
You thought those fevered desperate kisses would keep me enchanted,

I left because I got tired of your lust games,
we don't share anymore perverted love claims,
When I think of you now I snicker, too no one in particular,
I liked how you were twisted and ******,

But thats all I liked about you,
Its funny how I was so drawn but also so repulsed by you,
I guess that means that I'm a little sick too,
I don't regret it though, cause then I'd have to admit that a part of me cared,
Try not to mourn the wicked temptations that we shared,

I'm fine on my own, are you;