it amazes me to come back to the pieces of art that transcended from my own mind it's not comparable to the quiet the lack of sound not allowing for those regular thought processes
i saw a sign that introduced me to thousands of tall green statues have been being there before walking in reminded me how it felt to be numb and lost overgrown grass, moss, and insects took over what was
it's month two going onto three there hasn't been any sign of people nobody is out looking for me the way out is guided with red yarn it's visible, but impossible to see
having the comfort of silence the heavy winds accompanied with destructive thunder replacing my routine of what once was nature having took over me
did it take me there on purpose? is there a bigger purpose than what i can see? was this a defense mechanism to the overcrowding fungus consuming my cerebellum? just how bad was this spore that spread into my lungs?
i underestimated the power of my thoughts, and they breached my sense of self, bringing me back to a place i hadn't thought to see again.
this is my time to test whether or not I am capable in the war of my mind. the fight never ended and i am geared up from recovery.
been very out of touch with myself since may/ late april. im starting to digest it, process it, and understand how to fix it. im not too big of a fan of my mind at the moment. It's too quiet and doesn't have me looking for the next thing to do.
It only lasts for a limited period of time, coincidence this just describes my happiness or the beings in this life. It's crazy how nothing never lasts, I've forgotten the sound of my laughter. I fall for a temporary high, my temporary escape; what I think I need to get by . I want anything but temporary, I crave for something that will be permanent. My soul acquiesce to anything temporal, but I now renounce all that. I just despise how confidence seems to vanish right at the time you need it the most, I mean there will be days where my dear friend confidence will be there but what's the use of her when she'll just disappear the moment a remark would be made about me. Whenever that angry voice in these four walls in my mind would tell me "you're ugly" "you're too skinny or too fat". I tried to recover, I tried my best to get better but somewhere along the way I realised it was all temporary. I fell apart again, I lost again and they'd laugh at me! Crying myself to sleep seems like the best option but I go with the unhealthy coping mechanism; slitting my wrists. The pain seems acceptable for awhile but what happens when you got so used to the blade that you can't even cope without it. I thought it was temporal, I thought I'd manage without it but I'd tell myself "one cut upon that wrist means a step closer to goodbye".
This is my story with self harm and how self harm became a crutch to me.