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Jade Welch Aug 2023
To the next one,

Don't let my heart arrive at an empty home.

Jade Welch Aug 2023
I could sit before you and use beautiful words and rhyme to tell you how I feel. How I fell.

But that would be a futile attempt, because you never took the time to understand my heart, you understood my skin. Everything that looked pretty, but nothing that felt it, sounded it or lived it.

My eyes? Perfect.
My smile? Perfect.
My shape, stature, hair, epidermis art work? Perfect.

My heart, mind and soul were secondary, and when I asked you to learn them, to understand and study them... it was all "too much" for you, you weren't ready for love.

Yet, you were ready to paint a picture of a life with me. I can be your wife and you could have kids with me. All because your eyes liked the way they felt when they gazed upon me. But taking the time to learn my mind was a chore, clutter that needed clearing out that you could not get to just yet.

Maybe one day, you said, as though my mind could hold off and my heart could pause its affection like we were half way through a movie and needed a moment to grab a bite, as though my skin would wait for you to run your fingers upon it again to resume its aging.

You touch was stimulating, only half as much as your words, thoughts, ideas and dreams. I knew them all. I KNOW them all. I could recite them, because I listened, took them on board and you achieving your dreams became one of mine. Maybe I wasn't listening intently enough, I didn't realise none of these dreams involved me.

I wasn't listening when you were painting a picture of life with me, it was with my body, not my heart, not my soul and not my dreams. You heard the parts of me that best suited you and your needs, the parts of me deemed desirable. I heard every part of you, even the parts that should have made me hate you. Even now this part, the shallow, relentless, unloving-me part.

And yet, I love you still.

Maybe one day I will be old and withered, but my soul, heart and mind still beautiful, and you will be there telling me how you achieved all of your dreams. And in knowing that, I will have achieved one of mine.
Jade Welch Aug 2023
What's wrong with me?
No, hunny...

What was wrong with my upbringing?
No, seriously... a joke
Jade Welch Aug 2023
And now I will look back and laugh
realising I gave my everything
I missed you when you were here
and loved you for longer than you deserved
I fought for you
defended you
I cared for you
gave myself up for you

I laugh because
I thought I had never seen anything like you
and the funny part is
I really thought you were the most beautiful thing
I would ever lay eyes on

But today I woke up
stood in front of the mirror
and finally...

I saw my soul
Jade Welch Feb 2021
And the sad part is I would take any piece of me and replace it with a part of you.

So my brothers could have a father, so my sister could have a man to look up to, so her children could know who Grandad David is.

So my mum could love, REALLY love again. None of this fake "we're going for dinner, so that means something" *******. None of the "he hit me but that's OK, because he didn't mean it" *******. None of the "he screamed at you but he never meant it" *******.

And I would take any piece of me and replace it with a part of you.

I would take all of me and replace it with all of you so I didn't know this pain. That might be selfish because you were in pain.
That might be selfish and it's not OK but I would rather know there was of world with you in it without me there to see it.

I would take everything I enjoy and replace it with you, just for one picture beside you.

I would take everyone I have ever loved and replace them with you so I could know what real love is.
Take every moment I've ever had and replace it with you because a girl needs her father.
What's the point in fake love and rainy days and a cup of coffee in small cafe's. What's the point in fancy dinners and a quick lunch, your boyfriend taking you out for brunch. What's the point in long dates and drive-ins
and lazy days and lay-ins.
What was the point for any of that when I can't tell you?

And the sad part is I would take any piece of me and replace it with a part of you.
Jade Welch Feb 2021
Bent double.
And I cannot really blame you.
Maybe it was me.
Because I wrote so much about avoiding the devil, but little did I know I was sharing his bed.
Jade Welch Feb 2021
Would it be selfish to ask you to stay?
Knowing you would suffer.
Knowing I suffer without you.
Which would be worse?

Why didn't you stay?
Is the emptiness fulfilling?
Does it make you whole?
Fill a void my love never could?

You will never see me in white.
Never see me with-child.
Never see me ache from love.
Never see me overwhelmed by joy.

Would it be selfish if I followed suit?
Knowing they would suffer.
The way I suffer without you.
It cannot be much worse.
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