The space between us
is substantially bigger,
and your tight grip  
is no longer pinned to my emotional trigger.

You knew that in the past
I would have jumped off a ledge for you,
but now I am strong enough
to say ***** you, too.

My mental health is like a rubber band.
If you pull it too far, it will get tight.
Until you pull it to hard.

You always complained to me
How I never held your hand tight enough.

My mother once told me,
That like the warm sand
On the summer beach,
The harder you hold onto something,
The faster it slips from your fist.

And maybe that’s why
When your hand
was in mine
I would never close my fingers.

Why am I so tight?
I don’t know.
Perhaps I am afraid of stepping on landmines
everywhere that I go;
perhaps I am afraid of the warzone
that lives inside the same walls that I do;
perhaps I am afraid of the nightmares
that visit every time I close my eyes;
perhaps
I am simply
afraid.
But it doesn’t make sense—
this fear that has stitched itself
into the seams of my soul
and whose whisper is louder
than even the slammed doors
of my battlefield house.
I was always taught
that the darkness of my bedroom
was never something to be afraid of,
and the monsters respected this
until age nineteen and one painkiller too many.
I was always taught
that wise friends were good friends,
and good friends were trusted friends—
but the first time I trusted my secrets to one,
my parents punished in blind offense
that it was not them
who were trusted.
Why am I so tight?
Perhaps I’ve learned that the more you open your mouth,
the more you regret it;
perhaps I’ve learned that the safest secret keeper
is your own heart and soul;
perhaps I’ve learned that watching your skin bleed
is the most calming medication there is;
perhaps
I do not consider myself
a friend.
Words must be weighed
before they meet any outside ear,
and if the inner heart does not wish to weigh them,
they will remain unknown.
So for as long as I am
afraid of myself,
I will not know myself—
and neither will any other soul.

I love you,
When you tease me,
Play pranks on me,
Burst out in laughter with me,
You blossom,
You look adorable.

I love you when when you sleep,
With one arm and leg on me,
You look way cute,
With your curls on your face too.

I love you when howl in the shower,
Sing songs we both love,
Care free, content.

I love you when you look into my eyes,
Hug me tight,
Kiss me long,
Whisper in my ears,"I love you too."

Let's grow old together and have fun,
My heart you have won.
11/6/2019

Goodnight, sleep tight
I'll love you even after the days light
Dreaming for another embrace
Hoping to see your beautiful face
I'll never leave, I'll stand with you
Over the years, you'll see it's true
I'm yours, I'll try to be like no other
I'll try to make you happy, while I tuck you under the covers

push down-
claws tighten around thinning arms
heavy-
grasp until they graze the bone
sinking-
no bandaging to camouflage a scar
branded by burning red worry in waiting
slow-
no cure for calming relentless waves
slow-
a recipe for burdening left to cool
as eyes glaze over with inconsistency
slow-
back broadens until shoulder blades realign
slow-
muscles take their time to redefine
themselves amongst the plethora of shrinking cells
slow

slow

stop.

collect the fragments flung beneath floorboards
piece together the puzzle once again
and sit
patient
silent
for the imminent swell

Torn out
Tightly yet intricately woven
Pulled up high
Half-dead
Twisted
Excessively washed, cleaned, and dried
Straightened
Fried
Surprised it hasn't all fallen out yet