why the **** am I still alive there’s no reason I scream as I punch my fist against the empty walls wishing I could just shatter all the mirrors and shut out all the noise but I’m too much of a coward to say what I’m thinking so I write here all my thoughts while you sit back and laugh at my crazy mind still falling oh when can I stop falling and finally find the people I belong to but I’m starting to believe they don’t exist and I’ll always be with the ones that make me feel alone one pinprick and my thoughts scatter running circles around my paranoia as they all walk away what if no one ever cared is everything just a lie to shut me up I’d rather die than believe your lie oh no here comes the feeling I thought I’d forgotten skin crawls another scream another punch another failed test another tear why the **** am I still alive

My heart is nothing too you
You held it with your trembling hands
Careful as to not hold too tight
I held yours carefully too

However you held too loose
Your grip weakened and let my heart slip right through
The ****** chunk of flesh fell without excuse

You let it break and shatter
All the memories and love I stored
Splattered across every wall in front of us
To you my heart didn't matter

I've done it again.

I lost track of time and put myself before everyone.
I forced myself to look away because I knew it was true
I quickly became ashamed of what I'd become

I so easily turned into what I hated most
Someone who values her own opinion so much
That she is unafraid of hurting everyone
Someone who "loves" herself so much
That she tears people down
Someone that is too smart
Too intelligent, to discuss just exactly what the hell is her problem
Someone who is so broken
That she allows herself to shatter others

Someone that put up the famous walls
But couldn't break the 4th one.
Someone that lost touch with reality.

Someone that refused to admit it.

I never thought I would be the one who was broken.
The one clinging to the last hope of something solid.
I never thought I would be the one seeing my family ripped apart.
Gnashed and clawed by the beasts of sin.
I never thought I would be this scared.
Having no honest clue of what I was supposed to do.
I never thought i would have to beg for help.
But still be ignored by a friend.
I never thought i would lose my love.
But hardship can make even the strongest bonds wear thin.
I never though I would lose my passion.
But mostly I never knew this pain,
could bring it all back.

I always thought
If I tried hard enough
And always fought
Then it wouldn't be as rough

That if I shattered
My inner demons
I'd hear their pieces clatter
Left for the vermin

But this time when I swung
I didn't realize
It would be me who broke
*and shattered

I went to the bottom
Of your Instagram
Today.
Two years ago.

I looked at the
Black and White picture
You took of me
On the Ferris Wheel.

All I could think was,
Poor girl, Foolish girl,
Stop that smiling like you love him,
He's going to shatter you.

You can't take a piece of me
a part of me
under your detriment and your touch

You shouldn't touch me when
I am in self-destruct

But I can't blame you
for stealing what was part

of  shattered pieces
of an unglued heart.