these days i feel like water. like an ocean cusping on the marked line of a horizon. like a droplet riveting and rolling, making its way down to pool onto a ledge.

the slightest nudge, a gentle push
and i'd spill over.

sitting dangerously on the lip of the cup
teetering in and out of balance-

it is a game of give or take

i bend myself backwards into a crescent
just to make room for their full mooned selves

i wonder how Neil Armstrong felt
when he took his first step onto the dusty crater ridden plain
and found himself

all
alone

i am

                                                   alone

destined to listlessly twirl around my own axis dreamlike
but not like a dream at all
floating miles away from the person i have yet to unearth
but yet not far enough to fly among the stars

i am held by the centre of my own gravity

is that why sometimes i can hear my bones creak under the weight of the person i was supposed to be?

standing pin    with military tension
           a dead suit
torted stance in the mirror solvent
commandeering a flect stare
      more punish than my double could lance me

                                                     - salute

"Am I evil?"
Worse,
Youre smart
When you know
Nothing matters
The universe
Is yours
And I've never
Met a universe
That was
Into it

It grazes on
The ordinary
Creating infinite
Idiots just to
Eat them all

Put a saddle on
Your universe
Let it kick
Itself out
It'll never stop
Trying to throw you

And eventually
It will
There's no
Other way off

I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my  smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,

I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.

Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.

I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.

I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally  shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.

At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.

I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.

When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her  face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.

Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess  that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.

Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!

My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.

Fit to be tied to a ligand gated receptor,
mind you,
right there, in the area below our own aptness
to think and do at once, thus we think without
knowing we are

thinking
things,

new and old, linked by local nodes arranging ions,
in channels previously lacking bridged interchanges.

Instant one past then,
we re think,
if we remain, persisting at or on some certain point,
may we not, mainly almost completely, be self aware?

The gaps insulating our separate selves, as we imagine,
thoughts outside our heads do remain connected rectly
ortho dexterous… sinister off, right on. Switch,

transcendence, sit zazen intently making bits of this
peace.
Inner, breathing conscience, knowing used, to pay
yourself, first

love, neighborly behave, have love as for your self.

I, the boss mind, I, the chooser of destiny from now,
I, ego and id and all, me, you must acknowledge,
I was here when you arrived, in an acknowledged,

innocense, not ignoring a curio juxtaposed, sup-
posed to prompt a why from your own self, why
am I not kind to me.
I am no better than I can imagine proving, to myself.

I must convince me, you are merely watching me be,
in a mind state seeping from a spring I cleaned,
to channel a flow a bit thicker than a seeping…

Sit with me a minute,
measure the brevity,
leave be the reason, I wished to feel you there.
Knowing how I love you, determines the worth
of my own love.

In the quiet expanse of time, I find myself grappling with truths and untruths, wondering if I deceive even my own heart into believing I've attained tranquillity. Indeed, I am in a state of well-being, owing to the strides I've taken on this journey of self-betterment. Yet, the undulating waves of emotion persist – highs and lows interweaving like threads in a tapestry. Perfection remains elusive, and perhaps that's the beauty, for I've poured my essence into every endeavour.

Now, as I stand at the crossroads of zero, an architect of my own renewal, I embrace the task of rebuilding from the ground up. Metamorphosis courses through me, rendering me unrecognisable even to myself. Laughter spills more freely from my lips, though occasionally restrained by the shadows of doubt. Tears flow more earnestly, yet at times, I still restrain their cascade. Solitude becomes a cherished companion, a realm I delve into to nurture my soul. Simultaneously, the embrace of friends becomes a celebration of my being, an affirmation of the love I hold for myself in their company.

In this delicate dance, I witness the scales of life gradually finding equilibrium. The pendulum, once erratic, now sways in a harmonious rhythm. The art of relearning tranquillity unfolds before me, a masterpiece in progress, painted with the hues of experience and wisdom.

Time, the patient sculptor moulds each fragment of my existence. And in its embrace, I find solace. For while the road ahead is veiled in uncertainty, I stand here, resilient, embodying the truth that healing is a symphony of seconds and seasons.

And as I mend, I extend to you, a wish that your heart finds solace too. In this dance of existence, in shadows and light – may we emerge stronger, taking flight.