today i saw myself as a crepe myrtle blossom

bursting magenta, dripping with life

so full and juicy and lotus-eating

demanding of attention

not only for an earthly beauty,
but for the allure of aliveness

how could i ever feel contempt for a body like this?

so i promise myself-
next time the comparison monsters of my mind try to take control

i will remember myself as a crepe myrtle blossom

For all of my life
I have been plagued with something
that I didn't know the name of
and than when I grew up
and I came to know what the name was
it all felt wrong to me
and I wanna speak my truth
but I fear for my words
for others
will label me as hateful
when really I wanna share it
because I think
healing is powerful and its possible
I am trying to own my truth
and not care what others think or say
from the time I was a child
I experienced lots of harrassment and violence
which i internalized to mean
that it was because I was a woman
so its like half of me loves feminine things
and the other half of me  just wants to be a man
so often
When I look at her she feels afraid
because they told her growing up
to shut up and be silent
to cook clean and be still
and that never quenched her spirit
so in my life
I have always done the hard things
I am choosing to sit with myself
to learn how to accept myself more
for I know that if i were to transition
or to slap a label on myself
I would just keep on hiding my true self
and I would always try to be something that I am not
so even though at times it hurts deeply
only really because of the mysogonoy
that I still see around me and experience at times
I will still choose to sit in my life
and I am still choosing to heal myself
and to have hope
that I am getting better little by little
I wish more voices like mine
can be heard
without being labeled
as hateful
for I don't hate
I understand there is a real lack of knowledge
out there in the world
and people like me
who don't fit the perfect mysognistic box of how women
are suppose to be
should be embraced and held instead of judged
this is my truth
and I have been longing to make it heard
for a very long time.

The blood drips--
Warm but cold.
Nothing changes--
The feeling is old.
Quiet sobs--
Come from my room.
This unsettling addiction--
Will be my doom.

what if
we get to be happy
we get to get what we want
what if we can choose to be ourselves
to live life out loud
yesterday
as I danced on the dance floor
and I saw all of the old men
that I used to like
I didn't feel anything at all
just a joy that i chose myself
over them
that I get to dance
and live my beautiful non religious life
that I chose for myself
that in so many ways
I chose peace over terror
over chaous over drama
I chose myself
over my traumatic past
I chose me
over the men
who hurt me and used me
I chose me
over the girlfriends who used me and abused me
I choose to listen to myself
when I feel the vibes are off
I choose me
over the bad
I choose me always
I choose my inner child's joys
I choose to look weird
and to feel happier
I choose to dance in the streets
from joy
from the beautiful music
swimming through my veins
I am choosing to heal myself
my life and my traumas
I am choosing to believe
in the goodness of the world
of people
even though for so long
I have mostly only seen and noticed
the darkness
the bleakness of life
I feel aged inside as if I have lived thousands of years
of darkness
who is finally waking up to something else
to choosing something new
perhaps for the first time
who is choosing to end cycles of pain
that has been in my bloodlines for so long
I choose for me
I choose to live with more gratitude
I choose to cry
I choose to feel
I choose to breathe
I choose to believe  
I choose to see
how beautiful the journey
can be.
I choose.

To be a lover is to hold the utmost importance, care, and intention when loving someone as you would love yourself
The limits of a lover are held in those moments when love feels like the impossible choice
To be a lover is to take those very impossible choices and make them a moment of grace, courage, and compassion
To be a lover is to be as patient as the slow moving moon, stoical in the night sky holding an intense glow, savoring every moment of anticipation while waiting for the bright sun to return and smile back at him
The limits of a lover are held in those moments when loving yourself is an option, a choice, and an impossible one to
To truly be a lover is to love the impossible and stare it down with the intensity and heat that love brings in its stride
I don't see myself as a lover but one day I would love to be one

It first
started
as  a whisper in the night
in the dark
maybe just maybe
theres a way out
of this darkness
a light at the end of the tunnel
maybe just maybe
I can actually heal myself?
maybe just maybe
I can create a life
of my desire
and so with time she chose herself
over and over again
through her pain
through her sorrow
through all of the men who left her beaten
and broken off the side of the road
beaten beyond words beyond comprehension
how much the pain caused her
how much the violation the violence
broke her so deep
like shards of glass
tormenting her
insides ,
of  how the men hurting her
hurt her soul
broke her soul so deeply
that it felt like her heart would bleed
literal blood all of the time,
Through the sorrow
of other women choosing men over her
and throwing her into the arms of violent men
to be tortured by those men
yes I have lived through all of this and worse
and yet I have learned to choose myself
through it all
to stand tall
to not allow them to see you falter
so next time someone tells you
that you don't have choice
I say I beg to differ
humans always have a fking choice!

I have claimed my rightful place in this land
by the strength of my own two feet
and I choose healing
each day of my life
to heal myself for me
for my ancestors
and for all of those who come after me
although the journey is not done
I choose it for me
and for myself.