Like a stem floundering through muck
Just to blossom in the sun,
I will do my everything
to make you feel at home.

When December ends and the sea
Reconnects to its frosty coat
And we stroll over pavements
Icey as opioded eyes

I will try to fix myself
Into your fantasy

For I know you could never
Be mine and I know

I have nothing left to lose

Apart from your physical presence.

‪I wish I could cut my brain into pieces‬
‪and not as a last resort.‬
‪Cut out the sadness,‬
‪the bad memories, ‬
‪the part that never listens,‬
‪all of it. ‬
‪The person looking back in the mirror ‬
‪is more than willing ‬
‪to give up anything as a sacrifice.‬

‪-mD‬

For you, my dear poetry,
I will not stir up my emotions
I will create them.

For you, my dear poetry,
I will not lie,
I will create a fiction so delicate and complex
that it becomes my truth.

For you, my dear poetry,
I will not close myself off,
I will tear my body open
and let the demons take control.

For you, my dear poetry,
I will not become a better person,
I will bathe in my emotions
and revel in my despair.

For you, my dear poetry,
I will do anything.

Back in 2007:
I understood everything that day.
You gave up your custody rights for me to live a better life outside of Chicago.
Greatest, yet,  most heartbreaking moment of our lives that you ever did for me.
It got me away from the gang life
And I thank you for it every day through prayer.
Because without that sacrifice,
I wouldn’t have became the man I am now....
I was 12 when this all started.

2008-2019:
From a far distance
You watched me grow up under another roof.
My shyness faded
While my character began to blossom.
I learned to express new emotions
Expand my vocabulary
Use my kindness to create relationships
Battle my sins, demons, as well as my own identity
Expanding my mind & soul.
Nevertheless, your baby boy survived.

But the truth is, I never see you anymore.
There hasn’t been a handful of times you came down to see me vs me see you
I felt a lost connection between us.
Those random days/ nights I needed you physically, not through the phone.
Is it because you couldn’t raise me like you wanted?
Maybe it's because I look like my father?
Or maybe it’s because you prefer to start living your own life now that i'm grown.
Which you deserve 100%
I wanna see you happy always.
However, my only wish is too see you more often.
That’s all....

I've spent a lot of time staring at myself
In the mirror, thinking that
Love looks like sacrifice.
See, where I come from,
Devotion twists itself into ****** forms.
Agony breathing between a lust for heaven or hell,
Misery dripping like blood onto concrete.
Love stains my hands red and the offering is such:
Here lies this contorted body,
Begging you to dismantle it.
Gut me of my delusions and
Carve out my smile to mount on your wall.
Here lies this mutilated body,
Unrecognizable in the face of faithfulness,
Staring into the eyes of adherence like
Its got a gun to my head.
Make me stand to look at this body.
Maybe its my misconstrued fantasies,
I bid myself to Love and it burns.
Take these confessions,
This ******,
Write about it like its poetry
When it reads like atonement.
Here lies this shrine of a body,
I flinch when you cup your hands around my face,
A knife pressed against my throat
Slicing into my mumbled apologies.
I am sorry
I cannot soften the corpse I am becoming.
I've spent a lot of time looking at you,
Thinking that Love may look like resurrection.
Rebirth in your softness.
Here lies this reviving heartbeat of a body,
If I am the sacrificial altar,
Get on your knees and start praying for my resurgence.
I'll see you back when it is bloodless and lifeless,
When its been emptied of its contents and is just the frame
Of our offerings.
I've had Love to die for
Your Love is holy,
Something to live for.

I am the lamb
Lead me to the post you prepared
Tie me there tightly

Take your knife from its sheath
Plunge it deep in my neck
Drain me until there is no more

Love me while I perish

I am fairly sure
that
you have given up too much
to procure;
what you considered the healing touch
of my thin fingers.

And I;
unbelievingly realize
that no matter how hard I try,
I may never be able to provide
all that you may have sacrificed
to get me by your side.

All I can do
is to continue
to yield to your point of view
and to share and care
for your dreams and schemes
about life.

But after all this time
it is unfortunate to find
that so much care
robs the deepest love
of its flair
till;
we begin to choke
in our own holes of loneliness
and without intention
your sacrifice
and my devotion
become inside-out versions
of each other......