sp1nning
fluctuat1ng
all around me

the 1mages never stay the same
as soon as 1 think 1 see 1t
1t changes
a small shift
throwing my percept1on 1nto a d1zzying dance

c1rcular room
m1rrors enfolding me
1n a reflect1ve embrace

1 see myself
warped
1n a million d1fferent places
a superf1c1al 1mage of me

the embrace of the m1rrors
turns strangling
constr1cting snapshots of my face

gasp1ng
chok1ng
for air

but relief does not come

1 am encased in a million different vers1ons of myself

your name means stars:

YOU ARE A STAR IN THE SHAPE OF A PERSON
and every breath you take draws a little bit out of my lungs
THEN, I LEARN WHAT IT MEANS TO DROWN ON LAND.

your name means blood:

my heartbeat stutters to the cadence of your footsteps
AND STAINS MY CHEST WINE-RED.
the light of your gaze bleeds into my soul
AND SWOONS DOWN THE CURVE OF MY NECK.

your name means muse to me:

BECAUSE YOU ARE A WORLD IN MOTION
and yet you are stillness; the moments between heartbeats
AND SOMEHOW YOU ARE MORE THAN YOURSELF
but this is because you are more concept than person
AND WE REALIZE THAT EMPTINESS DOES NOT KNOW ITS OWN SHAPE
because you were too good to be true

your name means fiction:

because i could not find a word for someone that was never there.
understand this.
you may be all the stars in the universe
but the emptiness between them is greater still.
and you cannot love someone you made up
no matter how hard you try.

I see my eyes in the mirror,
But they do not seem,
To belong to me.
They are empty,
Of a different essence.

Straining,
Attempting to find a glimpse,
Of familiarity.
Without success,
My anger boils.
Starting at the bottom of my stomach,
And pouring out my ears and mouth.

A loud bang is followed by clanging.
Glass falls around my feet,
Blood flows from my hand,
Hanging beside me.
The mirror is broken,
And displays me more accurately,
Than ever.

I am only one person
That is not a lot
It is still a lot more
Than I'd like to be
Today

please do not confuse me
with the person i used to be
she does not live here anymore
we are no longer linked
we are no longer synced
she does not reside here,
I am not her anymore

You may ask what I see in her.
Oh, dearie, "let me count the ways".

Unlike every other person I have met
They've swarmed right past my mental bug net
But she is a catch right through and through
So I'll explain how these feelings are simply so true.

Unlike every other person I have met
She's not made of plastic, this beautiful brunette
She's got the life of real surrounding her every move
And to nobody on Earth does she have that fact to prove.

Unlike every other person I have met
She's not afraid of dirt or working hard in sweat
Her slim figure is a dagger in the eyes of fake
And she never fails to dazzle me in the stunts that she would make.

Unlike every other person I have met
Her smile pierces through what barriers I set
So I'll change my ways to what they should be
So long as she wants to stay here with me.

Just like every other person I have met
Some other girl puts me off and feels to me a threat
But she made me feel human through the bone and the skin
And on darkest black days, she always makes me grin.

I find myself losing more of that person,
I'm less of who I was,
less of who I wanted to be.
More paranoia,
anger,
frustration,
and anxiety
than I ever wanted.
I'm a walking shell of a human,
I don't know where my story will go next
because I move like it's already ended,
days go by in seconds,
weeks by in hours,
a month will pass in a breath yet the future still hasn't come.
The past used to follow me like a shadow,
but it seems I've turned into a
modern-day Peter Pan
and pushed it away.
And away it took all of who I was.