The apple of my eye
The sun in my sky
Even though it feels like needles in my nerves
I keep those memories close by
On my toast I’m smearing strawberry preserves
The day that I’ve gotten justice is the day he’ll get what he deserves
I’m manifesting my own death
Fantasizing taking my last breath
I can’t melt my favorite wax cubes because all they do is remind me of you
I can’t listen to my favorite song because all I hear when I listen is your sweet little voice singing along
His heart was in my wallet
I’m crying cause I called it
I wrap an arm around myself in attempts to find some solace but I’m missing my other half
I tell myself I know where I’m going but I’m scared to continue down this dark and narrow path
But I know I’ve got to be strong
I don’t want to be where I don’t belong
I swear these days are getting real long
I don’t like to admit when I’m wrong

You have a face with many prominent features and a head full of science fictional creatures
I don’t know how to express my gratitude for the way you hold me and cling onto the thought of making me feel not so lonely
I don’t know how to say that I can’t feel anything over this deep seeded pain and I don’t want to hurt you for a vain and selfish gain because to hurt you is to hurt me
I just want to hold hands and listen to jpeg wearing your favorite sweater that you only bust out for a certain kind of weather but for now I’m putting all of that beside me
Nothing you can say or do can pull me out of this melancholic mood
I can’t help but always note a looming impending feeling of doom
I try to tell myself it’s nothing
But I can feel my heart decay
There’s still a hole where he was
I get up off of the pavement
I gently brush off the dust
No, this is all out of arrangement
I’m calling off this self proclaimed engagement
This sweater is not orange enough to cancel out my blues
I don’t want to straight out say I love you but I’m dropping clues
Oh god my heart is all mixed up in the heat of this moment
My head is telling me to stop but arguably this is more important
I’m trying to be an optimist
Telling myself the best is yet to come regardless
But all hopeful thinking has ever gotten me was a boy with two fists fulls of utz chips that stole my heart just to break it
The kind of betrayal that comes when you lose your soul mate to a vain fate and you wonder why weren’t you enough and the pain is so much you can’t take it
It feels like a knife in my chest because I know it’s not enough to hope for the best
I don’t think that this will hurt so bad but wow you’ve really put me up to the test
You can have the rest of me
Oh god this can’t be how it’s meant to be
I’m bitter, I’m feeling emotions bigger than the whole huge wide ocean
I know I need to fight to find the strength to keep my heart open  
These ***** rooms that smell of bleach
Pretty girls that do nothing but leech
I want to lick the grime off your bath tub and give you a nice back rub
I’m sorry that I still think of him I know you deserve the world and I want to give you nothing but that
Somehow I will find a word to describe the way you make my heart rock and my toes pop when we’re in your bed listening to mumble rap
I’m sorry this poem is so long and I’m sure by now you’re starting to feel your brain cells rot
I know I’m overthinking it so I’ll put down my keyboard and just ******* stop

It bleeds,
It tears the heart apart in itself,
It is really painful,
I realize that It would **** my move.
It would break my mind,
When I will realize that you would forsake me,
And leave me alone to walk,
In this lonely dark grove,
I would suddenly die,
I would try to cry,
To save my soul from breaking,
I would be silent for days
I would fast,
And I might leave this World
I would pray for another time,
For another journey together
To be with you
Together to sleep forever,
And wake up again.

I'm glad I never met your face;
I'm glad  you're far from home;
I'm glad our meetings never came,
so I could cry in bed alone.

I'm glad our worlds were not the same;
I'm glad we  had our different zones;
Of time and space; of heart and mind—
of suffering—all which is my own.

For if we met, and found each other
Mapped every corner, bend, and contour,
I'd find I'd regret the day that I met you,
since seeing you would've hurt me more.

I forget how it felt to hold you.
What it meant to have you.
So foreign, it couldn't have
been me that experienced that.

I've loved since then, but our
touch, that kind of touch.
I haven't had that in years
and I won't ever have it again.

And I've been fine with that.
I left.
But you haunt me sometimes,
not often, but enough to warn me.

How unlikely is it that...
that
was... it?
That you were it?

Because it feels likely.
There was a moment in
time when you meant
everything to me.

Is it so unlikely that
there is a timeline
where it worked out?
I guess it's more that

the touch I get from
just anyone is bland.
And to never get to
form a relationship

again. From where I'm
standing, numb,
memories of
what that

kind of
commitment
feels like,
erased.

Maybe
that's
it
for me.

Stagnant, though I've made all this progress.
Recently thinking makes it hurt more,
but for a moment today
I really put the pieces together.

This painful youth, there was a fire raging inside
and it hurt and it made my heart race.
Today I tried to pick up where I left off

and

and?

and I watched it crumble in my hands?

Confused, I took a hard look, and that fire had gone out.
Disbelief.
His name still rings in my mind infrequently, all on its own.
Those sweet memories still in striking detail, I reach for them.
A moment of reunion, a moment.
And you feel stupid for never realizing you'd miss that time,

that you.

And, you know, I've never been closer to all that I've worked for.
And I couldn't care less, I've never felt more empty.
I'm so alone and it'll be a long long time before I ever feel something like that again. If I ever do.
I didn't need to love him to feel that kind of shame.
Every investment I made in my new freedom this summer made me creep back inside myself, slowly, until drinking and dressing up became a new trauma.

The fire was something to live for,
now I just feel like a rectangle.