I feel myself falling down the familiar steps of despair
Each step my breath is taken from me
Each step my strength weakens beneath me
I can hardly hold up my frame as I walk
I feel my legs shake with each step

“Just one step more”
I hear them saying
But I can hardly take a step at all
For I shall step into misery and despair

I feel myself failing
Falling…
Down that familiar spiral that I wished to avoid
An endless well of pain and suffering

I will not take the leap
Rather I shall be shoved in
By words voiced as encouragement
Yet all I can feel is the venom behind them

They say they wish to help me
So why do their words cause me such pain?
Is this love?
Is love just misery?
Is love just pain?

I used to be so happy
I thought I had finally escaped
The bottomless well of pain and suffering
Instead, I have slipped on the last step

I find myself falling once more
I tell myself to hold on
I tell myself to get better
I tell myself I need to do better

My hands slip when I reach out
A hand comes my way to help
I grab on for dear life
Only to find they have dropped me down
The bottomless well of pain and suffering

I know I am loved
I know I am cared for
So why does their affection cause me such pain?

I weep before them
Willing to shed my pride and armor
I am told my tears are ugly
My frustration is hideous
My anger, useless

I do not wish for these feelings
I do not wish to feel at all
I do not wish for anyone to see
Because all they see is the hideous thing I am

A poor pitiful creature
Slowly falling down
The bottomless well of pain and suffering.

I'm out of place,
Searching for a home.
Wanting a lover,
But remaining alone.

Where to turn,
Where to go.
Difficult questions,
Answers I don't know.

I am like a mess,
No one wants to clean.
A waste of space,
No value to glean.

Not worth love.
Not worth tears.
Not worth your anger,
Not worth your fears.

I'm not alive,
Nor am I dead.
Frozen in place,
Stuck in my head.

I mistreat my soul by punishing myself for the sins you commit, allowing you to shame me while showering in misery.

The power in me which you have replaced with fear of losing you when in the first place you are not even mine.

You blinded this cruelty with the smell of roses, with the warm lies and with your deceiving eyes.

I name this love but it feels like the end of my very soul.

i‘ll be ****** if i have to go through that again
the happiness followed by misery
the smiles followed by silent tears
the paradise with you followed by the hell without you
i‘ll be ****** if i have to go through that again

She hangs nudes on her wall
Of a society vulnerable
A people helpless
Of a dawn they hope
To array their fears
Their sorrows console
And vanish their misery
©

I came to hate the cold
When I noticed that I couldn't get a hold
Of my freezing hands when they were naked and bold
In an air-conditioned bus, as one of my friends told

And I would always seek out the heat
Of his palms on my fingers when they meet
At least they keep these delicate limbs, so petite
From numbing when the chill kiss them oh so sweet

I also came to like the warmness
Of people when they hug me in genuine love and kindness
And I would keep seeking that kind of fondness
As frost surrounds me with little to no softness

Oh, how I remember the warmth of cuddling
During wet and shivery downpour in the evening
Hugging and fondling under the thick, weighted bedding
How comfortable, unlike sleep to the freezing

But then, maybe the coldness I feel
From my hand to my feet's heel
Is a reflection of the atrociousness I conceal
Just to go with this ludicrous ordeal

My soul is just too bitter, just like how I hate
The unfortunate temperature of my fate
Yet fervor is the wish of this vicious slate
Before the chessboard declares its losing checkmate

Unfortunately, things must come to an end
There's no point to try to make this encounter bend
Because it will all just be like play-pretend
Of not acknowledging the conclusion of this descend

I came to hate the cold
And when judgment day comes, with my sins uncontrolled
I'd rather burn in the pits of hell in tenfold
Than to freeze in Dante's 9th circle's stranglehold.