the graceful butterfly flitted and fluttered
searching for the perfect blossom to take a stance
a locale, so perfect and flawless, that she could finally unwind
relax after hours, no days, of searching
finally, that bloom, with the exact effervescence she needed was there
right under her delicate wings
she was home....

Brian Hill - 2020 # 85

Time is what we want most
We all need it
But time never waits
Time never stops

Years
Months
Weeks
Days
Hours
Minutes
Seconds

Use them
Live
Time is now

counting

2 hours
3 hours
5 hours
8 hours
10 hours
11 hours
12 hours
13 hours
16 hours
20 hours
23 hours
24 hours
27 hours
29 hours

where are you?

You own every single piece of me
Every part
The only one with all of my heart

I have given everything I have to you within my core
I still feel as if I should have given so much more

Because you deserve sun to never set or say goodbye
Deserve not the moon or stars but the whole entire sky

The love you have shown since the day we met
An unrecipricable gift for which i will forever be in debt

There are no words to express depth of my gratitude
Sure you have no clue cause of my constantly bad mood

As hard as I try being someone worthy of your caress
Each tense day that passes you like me less and less

I cannot blame you for dwindling adoration
Hard cherishing a girl who voices no appreciation

I have noticed the difference in behavior for awhile
Remain unable to coax out your smile

I lost the ability to conjure your laughter
It's vanished along with happy-ever-after

The years spent making love feel like a dream
Unsure if I am remembering wrong
Was it as amazing as to me it seems?

Gone are moments we were free from fear and cares
Happy as long as the other was there

Now all we do
Argue and fight
Pretty sure you're starting to get sick of my sight

I leave marks on surface of your magnificent skin
Drawing blood out
You won't let me in

Scratching hopes I'll somehow break through
If I dig my nails deep enough I'll get to the real you

I do not want to hurt you but I can't seem to stop
The things you say leave my head spinning like a top

I have explained before you have nothing from me to hide
The sole element I need is for you to let me inside

You have never given me a full chance to be understanding
In the past I was strict and demanding

But that was back before I knew what forever was like
Sweat and shake when those withdrawals strike

You have seen me change so drastically
Over time
I'm not even the same me

And even when I would express aggravation
Forgave each mistake without hesitation

For I had known certainly you were "The One"
Locked eyes and right there my search was done

Our romance has survived lots of ups and downs
Used to wear mostly smiles but they've switched to frowns

I am the reason why it's difficult to get along
Finally realized it's me who's in the wrong

For so long pride has rendered me blind
Justifying words no matter how unkind

For every hurtful action came up with an excuse
Truly believed you deserved the abuse

For damage you did and the lies you told
That doesn't give me the right to act cold

You have served your sentence:
A year spent on your own
A prison I built and left you in alone

As punishment for tears you made me cry
Slowly breaking my heart
Not telling me why

For the fraction of life I wasted in chains
I washed different parts of myself down the drain

But wasn't you drowning my sorrows
Hand pouring remorse on not just today but all tomorrows

Haunted unforgettable pain
Memory of what no longer remained

I attempted to seal sadness within
No one got a glimpse of the agony within

I was sure would eventually go away
I ignored the ache and pushed through it each day

But the longer I pretended was just fine
Crazier it drove me knowing you weren't mine

Tortured by the fact was the one who chose to leave
To deceieve myself thinking you would change was plain naive

But truly believed you were ready to be done
It came as a surprise when after me you didnt run

I assume it is because i acted like I moved on
Too wounded to let witness my distress with you gone

Determined to never go through same ordeal twice
Trusting nature i was forced to ultimately sacrifice

I put up walls
Blocked ricocheting echoes of  your voice
That's not all I barricaded out with my choice

In order to be unshackled from terrible fear
Hope and happiness also had to disappear

Solitude was total freedom at first
That relief quickly turned into a curse

I noticed resolve diminishing bit by bit
Something missing from my world and you were it

I yearned for moments of comfort and bliss
Magic contained in your enchanting kiss

Irresistible drawn to despite what you lacked
Caved and despite my instinct took you back

No one else could possibly make me feel the way you do
I accepted a relationship where my heart stays torn in two

But problem is we've had too much room to grow
Into people hardly recognize but know

I am still Amanda and you are still Paul
Infatuation has not wavered at all

But I have grown bitter
Full of anger
Who is responsible for morphing me into a stranger?

A glance in the mirror shows a twisted reflection
I can't pinpoint the exact imperfection

I feel ugly and unworthy of love
Far away from my image I forcefully shove

Why do you tolerate violence and greif?
Patient when in return offer no relief

If you saw the picture I've become you'd depart
Before once again I leave pits on your heart

You hold me in devoted embrace
Piercing with the fearful expression on your face

You love me (at least promise you do)
I cannot fully trust though I try to

I cannot comprehend a single trait you see
I am a screaming mess and you stick around me

You are a miracle that through darkest hours shone
Truthfully very best guy I have ever known

Time lapses, as quick sands sift from flask to flask,
Half empty - a flick of the wrist - half full;
Hours of glass, ground into powder, measuring my frailty.