Guilty by choice
Guilty by rage, not by faith
Guilty to crave, to thrive, to smile
Cheer on for you are guilty of all these charges. Proclaim your hunger for your right of passage.

i don't think i like nice people
i feel guilty around them
like my past stains me still
and they see it all

Did I love you with all of my heart? Guilty.

Did I take care of you from the start? Guilty.

Did I help you learn and play and grow? Guilty.

So why then, now must you go?


Was I not enough? Guilty.

Wasn't I tough enough? Guilty.

Perhaps I left the leash too long? Guilty.

The choices you made were all wrong.


Am I fading now into the dark? Guilty.

Did I never even make a mark? Guilty.

Did I try and cry and fight and yell? Guilty.

Now you're leaving me right here in hell.


Was there something more I could've done? Guilty.

Will I be looked down on by everyone? Guilty.

Will I cry all through the night and day? Guilty.

How I truly wish that you could stay.

It was February on a Tuesday
There was pizza in the break room
I kept my distance behind you
Before realizing there was more than food to consume
You turned around and saw me
You nudged me over saying “get in here”
I guess I never saw you like that before
I was stunned as it all became so clear
I think we had a moment
As you looked me in the eyes
While I drowned there in your ocean
I was feeling so surprised
I think you experienced that with me
Because things started to change
You came around more often
I couldn’t stop thinking your name
I was unsure if it was mutual
Then you walked right through the door
And I think we froze in another moment
That left me wanting more
One day I took the elevator
You went to take the stairs
Then you saw where I was going
And you followed me in there
We stood there in silence
I kept looking at you
Then you broke it with conversation
Of things I already knew
You told me you went on a company trip
I saw you leave that day
You briefly talked about it
And I told you I’d be at the one in May
Things were so simple then
At least I wanted them to be
I don’t think that you knew
But I was getting married
Then one day your demeanor changed
I thought that maybe you knew
And days later my telephone rang
And it was a personal call for you
They were following up on paperwork
For you and for your wife
I shook to those words
As it pierced me like a knife
I had to call you
You must have seen the caller ID
Because your voice stuttered when you answered
But I tried to stay as composed as I could be
I transferred you the call
Then I sat there in confusion
I never looked for a ring
Was all of this just an illusion
I questioned my engagement
But you’re already committed
To the girl you promised a future
I just need to stay acquitted
I couldn’t sleep at night
I was tossing and I was turning
While I laid there next to him
But I knew my heart was yearning
I didn’t know how to react
Was this an indication that my feet were cold
Or was I carrying around this guilt
Because my relationship grew old
I didn’t know how to be around you
When we’d pass we’d look away
The flame was turning frigid
Everytime we unintentionally met in the hallway
I tried to let this fade out
I wanted to find an end
But I’d see you around in passing
And this situation was too much to comprehend
Maybe I wanted more
I don’t know what I was thinking
These feelings kept adding up
With thoughts of interlinking
You’d ignore me some days
And act friendly the rest
And the more this went on
The more I suppressed
I wanted to know everything
But I couldn’t find you
You had no presence online
Of things you were tied to
But I did find one thing
A band you were in
So I went through your music
And played “Mission Accomplished” again
That was all I could find
And I left it that way
As we continued in awkward encounters
That moved along the days
As months began to pass
These feelings remained
But no words left our lips
And no feelings explained
Then the inevitable happened
You took a vacation
I thought I could move on
If there was no temptation
But that’s not how it worked
You remained on my mind
With all these things I presumed
That had been left undefined
When you walked back through the doors
I didn’t know what to do
I lost all control
I was not ready to see you
Then came our work party
We were at the end of the year
When you walked in with your wife
I wanted to disappear
I drowned myself in a drink
Or maybe it was more
And when my fiancé left halfway through
I felt nothing but deplore
I couldn’t stop drinking
I’d never seen your wife
But I was facing you
And lost in my own strife
Later I stumbled towards your table
And I saw that you were gone
I was a drunk mess
Who needed to move on
Then it happened again
You went on vacation
And I found something else
To focus my fixation
But it was gone simultaneously
With when you returned
I just couldn’t escape you
Why hadn’t I learned
But this time felt different
You wanted to talk to me
But our conversation had a cost
That we both could foresee
And we both knew the price
Which is perhaps why you changed
Because you went back to ignoring me
I felt so deranged
And here we are now
We’re one year through
I’ve written my story
Now what should I do?

The stars are plenty in the sky
Some reason when they’re gone I can’t help but cry
The beauty is inescapable
Yet some days it’s trapped in a distant bubble
I can’t see their twinkle tonight and it kills me
Normally their radiance fills me
But even the moon is now shrouded from worldly view
The sky seems empty with no stars, not even a few
I count the days since I last saw my light
Whether from the cold dark pavement or the highest height
I miss the constellations that made me smile
I haven’t felt that joy in quite a while
I miss the celestial bodies on the dark flat sheet
I miss watching them shimmer as I listen to my heartbeat
Please return to me my Starry Night sky
My iridescent view don’t pass me by