i am a victim.
i am not yet a survivor.
i dont know if i will survive this.
i want to tell one person what happened but im scared of what she will say. i just need to know im not alone.
i didnt infect myself this time though
you passed it to me
through your fistfuls of my hair
through the "i love you's"
all the contradicting lies
my body became weak
and you took hold
of something you knew i had no control
there isnt a cure for this one.
you make me want to see the colors
that my own mind has robbed me of
sometimes i don't see the hues that i once loved
or want to
you understand this though
and youre okay with watching things with me
in black and white
this is a pain i haven't felt since the last time
one that is ripping through my body
this pain only comes when it gets bad
and i am in agony every second
for all the things i never said anything
for all the times i didn't speak up
for all the times i let you make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin
for all the times i let you make me feel guilty
for all the times i let you get away it
for all the times i let you win
for all the times i let you make me cry at 2am
i apologize for never telling you
that you were ruining everything about me
that you made me hate myself
and that this hate continues to run through my veins
and for me
and everything that slipped through the cracks in between
as you broke me
you were known for having no empathy
they can't escape through my sobs
i've tried to tell you countless times
but they are trapped in my throat
trying to make their way out through my gasps of air
im choking on all the things i want to say to you
mental and physical
i feel as if i don't have a place
i take up too much space