Tonight When you are asleep
I will go swimming in the ocean that hides
                     All of loves mysteries
In search of the answer to my question
                   What went wrong  ?
                Forgive me if I drown
I really cant swim but Id do anything to
       to remember why I chose him

I need there to be more to me.
Something that I can find in the clubs that have those beautiful galilees dancing into the mornings dew.
Those joints that say 420 isn’t a number but a religion.  (DUDE)
That bottle of jack, which I carry around at party’s that won’t leave me hitting on all of you and busting bridges left and right.
Her big brown eyes interchangeable with bright blue smiles.
Those awkward moments in each shape and form that they take.
Those ideas inside a wrapper that tell me it would feel much better if I break every bit of it.
That epic moment where my toes curl up beside yours after we have spoken our eternal vowels for that chance that even then, we will be together after you take that money off of my dresser drawer.
That I can find that good girl out there to do all those bad things I like.
That dream beyond a dream, that some loving caring, sweet women, who does not remind me of my mother, can make me laugh and wears glasses will let me *** all over them.
That imaginary disposition that tells me yesses really means no.
So I can hate myself every time you want me to be inside of you.
Those hope that my expectations will so far exceed yours.
That the bottle of Xanax’s and no dose won’t run out before the night is done.
And we wake up cold and naked with windows beaming from the flashing occurrence that daylight isn’t our enemy it is our friend.
That my ****** hunger will be enough sometime once I throw those 12 steps into it.
The hope that one-day out there I will be enough not for you but for me.
That I don’t wait for it to be a good day if you text me or not.
That moment that I will be at peace for me, not because of you.
That it doesn’t seem important for me to make you smile, laugh or cringe at my jokes.
But I say them not to be funny or win you over but for me.
And me alone.
I want it to be that day soon but I don’t work for it.
I sit on my computer screen day after day morning from night looking for videos and pictures that remind me of you.
And muddle it down in my little pink notebook with a bland ink pen.
But when I look at you and say I’m enough.
Not you.
That is my dream and will be my awakening.
I hope for that sometimes after the shame and the guilt of each utter more despicable relapse, I replicate just to look into the mirror and say when is enough going to be enough.
When will I find my *** of gold at the end of each rainbow?
I write this not for you but for me so that I can free me and hope that I am less of a painful break up to each and every one of you.
So that I can dream skip, leave and shout.
I want that to be true so bad.
But not enough, to do anything about it.
YET. But soooonnn.

Sometimes
what we need
is three sips of
Amnesia's sweet bliss;

just a little bit...

One --
to accept
what was and
what wont ever be

Two --
to erase
her face
and the memories

Three --
finally,
to forget, forgive and
not ever regret~

Ha!
But you see,
we'd just
throw it all up;

so we can love,
though we know
we'd only get hurt
again..

Maybe we're all just
a little bit
messed up that way,
dont you think?~

I have destroyed a beautiful soul
in  the midst of the fog
I reached out
with my tainted hands
and touched its purity
consumed by my own selfishness
I pulled it down with me
my demons became his demons
only now
when the seal was broken
and I clearly see
my fault and sin
burning in the perpetual loop of my memories
It had to be done
For you would never have known
and now you do
for the pain and realisation
forgive me
forgive me
forgive me

sometime during the day
the sun called her
and it spoke
it came in the form of a gray butterfly
(not everything is as it seems)
and it told her how important it is
to find your dream and hold tight
cool water over her head
it told her how summer goes fast
and creating may seem silly
but only to those who don’t understand
it said in wingbeats
steady and rhythmic , “
never stop writing in the morning
but for your sake girl, get some sleep
I won’t take it personally if you don’t stay awake
just to greet me in my youth-
just as you can’t follow the light into the horizon
you cannot beat the mourning”
it said to her softly in the blinks of sapphire eyes ,  “
elephants never forget
but they forgive
spring means rebirth,
not rain to wallow in
and
weeds matter just as much as the flowers planted there on purpose
silly girl,
take a day to read
and run fast but don’t live that way
it flew away eventually
disappeared into a green tree
in a meadow of wish flowers
sometimes the best things in life are quiet


the mountain range called night
enveloped her
the stars stood still
and she thought she could fly
see what was real
why she was born
the magic sensation of belonging
the rain felt like night too
and the winter sound wasn’t deafening
it was just loud enough
to  be a favorite memory
something worth holding on to
like an alliance
how memories feel
you and me
together
against the tests of time
even when it’s standing still
the little blue house and the blue girl
one night they ran
right the way the butterfly came and went
past the green tree thicket
and the field of wish flowers
and they
never
came
back

Typical
Conclusion,
      after conclusion
Less is more
Depends what priority
Is or Be or Am
Apart from
A part of
What is
               this love
Struck from above
Down like a dove
From the sky He will come
     vision clouded by His glory
Return! listen letting ears to listen