You asked me tonight if I remembered our first kiss. It occurred to me that I remember everything. Early that Wednesday morning standing outside of the liquor store with a man I barely knew, I remember looking at you and thinking "we've been out all night, it's been 6 hours, is he going to make a move or" and then bam. Hands wondered, people stared, breaths were shallow. I remember how nervous I was every time I saw you following that night. It was like a rush ran through my body. Was I still what you wanted? Was I pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, good enough? I remember the first night you stayed over without my parents approval, without my parents even knowing who you were, thinking to myself "I hope this boy is worth all that im risking". The endless nights I would catch you staring from the corner of my eye. The night I leaned over and kissed you as I almost vocalized "**** is this going to hurt". Or the first time you told me you loved me. The words cut through the silence as I left for work while crippling fear flooded my being. I tried everything in me to ignore it. Even the first night I said it back, meaning it with nothing less then everything I had in me, not to count the endless nights I had said it knowing you were fast asleep because I needed to gain the courage to tell you. Hearing you ramble about when we were going to live together or how you planned on growing old with me. You knew just what to say. I remember our first fight and how utterly heartbroken I was. I can remember the taste of your lips and sound of you breathing. Your laugh plays on an endless loop in my minds. Your smile flashes before me as I close my eyes. Your voice echoes in my eardrums. I remember everything. Your ridiculous snoring, horrible smoking habit, hopeless look in your eyes. It was a tragic love we shared. But what makes it an even greater tragedy, is that I knew we would never last.
Written: September 8, 2016. 0107.
