I realized the reason
for my discomfort around him
He's never really responded to me
When I have said something it's like
I've spoken to myself, like I'm invisible, like my words can't be heard.
It makes me feel insignificant.
I don't like it.
So, now I know why I don't like to talk around him,
to feel like the center of attention cause normally I'm not.

I walked into your life an actress,
putting on a show for you,
miming who I thought I was
with lifeless limbs exerting so much effort,
nearly hollow did I feel,
typecast, merely trying to not collapse in front of you
like a miserable cutscene signaled too quick;
yes, it is most unfortunate
you fell in love with an actress
playing a role she didn’t know how to keep.

I want to break the tiny bones
in my fingers and crunch my hands
into crumples of blood and skin.
I want to break all of my possessions,
I want to shatter glass and crunch it
into tiny shards with my palms.
I want to cause a collision,
to run my car into another,
to watch matter bend and implode.
I want to hear the echo of inconvenience,
to discomfort and dishearten.
I want to set the world on fire
and to reciprocate the feeling of contempt
I hold with a tight grip.

I try to find the words
But not even you could
As we sat in silence
Sighing. Realizing
We don’t have it down to a science.
Somethings wrong
That we should be able to fix
But we can’t find it
Because you don’t know what it is.

Manufactured moans
My stomach turns to stones
I cannot feel, how I used to is a flare
Each second after I am left
Left to something odd; my mind
My mind can’t place or displace
Everything evaporates
Not much is left to salvage
The rubble vibrates
Turning into winged creatures
They escape through my mouth
It’s over
Feeling
Fleeing

I asked you to come over last night.
I felt like I was laying on rock bottom
With no way to get up
As more rocks were gradually being stacked on top of me.
The weight became too much to bear
My body started shaking uncontrollably
I did not want to be alone.
“Just take deep breaths, I’ll hurry.”
You came over and you climbed into my bed
You held me until my racing heart had calmed
And I finally felt like I could breathe again.
Then something in you switched-
You started gripping me tighter
Moving your hands to lower places
“Please babe, I really don’t want that tonight.
 I don’t feel like myself. I just want you to hold me.”
You were persistent, whispering
“Your body tells me otherwise.”
My heart began to speed up again
As I tried one more time to say,
“Please I can’t handle that tonight.
I thought it was clear, I just wanted you to hold me,
And make me feel okay again.”
This time you tried to take my pants off.
“Do you want this-
Or do you want me to go home?”
Giving me an ultimatum.
“I just want to feel okay.
I don’t want that tonight.”
And with that you got out of bed and
Grabbed your keys and belongings as you headed for the door.

I made sure you were watching-
As I undressed myself
Throwing my clothes into a neat pile on the ground
Before wrapping myself up in my fuzzy blanket
To comfort and calm myself.
I saw your true character last night.
And I learned
That you cannot find serenity
In the same place you found discomfort.

where do i start
There are so many thoughts racing
Trying to find a finish line
But before they ever can a new one begins

And somehow they keep leading
To thoughts about you
The things you did to me
How sick you made me feel

I was so obsessed with you for so long
You ****** me over more then i can even understand
I thought once i said no more
That meant i would never have to think of you again

Yet your disgrace lingers
The pain you caused
Is still on my face
You're shaking my life
Please go the **** away

You make my skin crawl
Until i cant even sleep at all
I want you to go away
Why wont you go away

I wanted you to mature
To be someone better
I saw the ugly within you
But i hate to hate

Now i see
You still wont let me be
I want to make you go away
Please just go away

Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

I told you
I told everyone
Yet your disgrace
Only seems to hit me
in the face

I hear your name spread through the wind
By people who adore you
Why do people hold onto evil
And close their eyes to the good

Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

One day when i write
It won't be about you or the distaste of your soul
One day I'll write a beautiful song
Of the women i let myself become

I want to write such beautiful poems
But inside i feel such a disgust
Everyrhing i write is absolute trash
Simply because i know not how to write of such vile natures

Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

I said goodbye to you and meant it
Noone believed me they called me a liar
I'll do whatveer it takes
To never hear the curse of your name

When I'm free i can finally
Pray for your sorry soul
But while you stay and torment me
I only wish for your absolute hell

So please
Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

She put on her good bra
and braced herself
for a heavy day ahead