In my mind there's a power that I keep by the shelf of books I once accumulated in an attempt to own everything
to keep something that would always stay, permanent to years
I never use it and at times the dim light from overhead makes me forget what it is i'm looking at
I don't touch it in case I've forgotten how to handle it and I think I may have
it might leave room for discussion or leave the room altogether
I was never good at piecing puzzles, the truth lying somewhere in the invariability of the same outcome
some call it probability or fate and fortune
it may even be unlucky
I used to be a woman who knew exactly what to say however poorly timed it could be
but now my mouth can't cooperate and I've forgotten all my favorite words

When it came to her
I had a slender grasp
Though unintentional.
When I think about it.
Deep down it was I rearing
a lack of confidence.
Living up our anonymous
expectation.
Though she was around
My arms would always cross up.
I was righteously liberated.
The perfect punctuation
of how I'd run on mentally,
Constantly around & around.
I wasn't embarrassed.
Revealing which part of her made me tick.
I can tell she didn't expect my answer
But with such a slender grasp,
every second spent with her made me tick.
At least for a little while
Perhaps the most un-thought thought.
Where do we place the batteries when they run out
Or will my arms be crossed up forever
Constantly around & around.
I find that time- such a strange & unusual thing.
Brings focus to things outside of all the crazy
ways arms move.
All in a beautiful destructiveness I can't describe.

In my head it's 2 a.m. and you're as awake as I am
heads against our pillows and we're both thinking of each other but neither of us know it
you're missing me
and you're unsure of whether you even knew me well enough to have the privilege of missing me at all
but you miss me for the things we never said
and in my head you're thinking of how you never really got close enough to wrap your arms around my waist
to tell me everything I made you feel and everything you saw coming
that never quite played out how you wanted
In my head even your fingers are sad when you think about my skin
even your lips burn at the thought of never kissing mine again
but it's probably just in my head

She can't explain how she feel
every second by your side.
She seems like the happiest
around your arms.
But she's the loneliest
behind those eyes.

you were knitted together before the world first heard your cries
and you were born whole
you were made to break barriers
never to hide behind the shadow of a man
it is time you stop trying to shrink yourself to conform to the world's ideals
you are a walking contradiction
both peaceful and wild
delicate and resilient
remind yourself you do not need his arms when you were given two of your own
do not let them burn out the flames within your soul
you belong only to yourself

I think the sweetest intimacy
isn't the ******* behind your curtain when the sunlight fades
but when I unravel all of the pieces,
stuck to me for twenty years
when you witness the uninviting parts of me
and just as I begin to feel shame come over me
you whisper "Come here, your scars are my favorite part of you"
sometimes I still struggle to see my heart as more than a bruised and beaten burden beating in my chest
but you look at me like it's the first time your eyes have seen sunlight in years
I find my place in-between your arms, passing time with you

I want to take shot after shot after shot of *****
Or whiskey
Or even gin

Any and all hard alcohol
To mask the resounding pain
Ricocheting throughout my worn-out body
As if it were a pinball machine

Swallow some poisonous liquor
Because I remember many years ago
How ***** intensified the irresistible attraction I held for you

YET.. there was always a tipping point
A few chugs past tipsy
Then I would begin throwing up
Finally intoxicated enough to set my mind free from your ribcage for awhile

Too sick to think about you
Because I would be
Too sick to think about anything

That is the only way I can hope to halt this overwhelming longing
To be embraced in your arms
One more time