The only man I have ever loved
Of breathing this world’s air
he knows of none.
With skin that went from tan to pale,
hair that went from dark to fair,
No one else will compare.
Eyes so earnest and true
Sang a siren’s song just for me,
twas the sweetest tune.
They are before me now
Even as I close my eyes
And the moon takes it’s bow.
Encore! Encore! I call out
I need to see your song again!
But he does not hear me, no matter how I shout.
For my cries fall on ears that could be dead
Buried deep beneath the ground
For how firmly they are deaf.
This man of my dreams,
(O a dream so wanted so sweet so real I have never felt,
it makes me weak and weep
in some quiet secret way I cannot explain
nor help)
Showed me what I had lost,
Though I never had known it was missing from me.
I held it for a moment in my hands
Before it fell, raining, evaporated away
It’s sound a wave I can not withstand
I fell and toppled down
And though I knew how to land such a fall
I still bled upon the ground
Blood that gleamed
Blood that seemed unearthly, heavenly,
Blood that made no sense to me.
He came, he (almost) was, he left
Our night of warm embraces
and love letters
Written in our longing language atop our faces.
We bared it all, though we never lay bare
Such a love has never
Touched me so, it left me with quite a scare.
O man of mine,
O I wish he would materialize
His essence is untraceable, indescribable
Though I sit here trying to write a poem
Silly girl, love is love
no matter what world,
and love is still another name for pain.
I long to see you again;
If you will, with a quill,
and ink made from the silver of my sigh,
Write the way to you.
Then I’ll listen to love songs
As I row my rowboat down the river of blue long,
Hoping to catch a glimpse of you
—a falling star— in between their lines
Do dreams come true?
Or to me have you never belonged?

I use to be like Summer. A burst of brilliant red like when you bite into a perfectly ripe Strawberry. I stained his lips with my sugar-sweet kisses. Like evening’s Cotton Candy sunsets and blushing clouds trimmed with falling golden light, I was your whole sky, morning, evening and night; you marveled at my untouchable beauty, so close but yet so far. I was a Summer storm, rolling thunder and shattering lightning, electricity running through your bones. I was the pitter-pattering rain, tap dancing upon your room, humming you to sleep, every night you saw me in your dreams and always played them back to me. In your sleep you would see me, dancing far away  to somewhere where there was no other-side-of-the-fence, grass was always green wherever my feet touched the earth in between joyful leaps. Where the wind was music in the trees and the grass flowed in fluid motion like dancers caught up in the melody, where the wildflowers bobbed up and down and where the fleeting Robin never left, for there it is always Spring. Yes indeed, I was like wild flowers in mid July, I was the magical meadow tender and warm, hidden away in the pockets of your heart away from the dark, I was a safe haven you happened to stumble upon while fleeing the snapping jaws of the shadow wolves in the Forbidden Forest. Bright and strong like a sunflower, I did not bend in even the most wild wind, and you could lean against me and take in my strength, my untainted, yellow light. Soft and simple but still enough, like a daisy. I made a necklace of my prettiest flowers and hung it around your neck, a most beautiful and delicate daisy chain, my petals kissed and tickled your chest. But I was also vibrant like a Indian Paint Brush, I painted you the prettiest picture, promising passion in streaks of brilliant color, I promised you everything, my roots, my stems, my leaves, my blossoms, everything. And the promise ignited a wildfire within your shivering heart, and spread through your bones, to the black of your eyes, reflecting the fragmented image of me swimming beneath the broken lake’s surface, the white of my skin and the ripple of my hair, you reached into the water blinded, you dug through the sand until you caught me. Oh yes, I was the sunlight dancing on the kaleidoscope forest floor, that you chased trying to catch a handful of light, and I was the fairy circle you wished upon. Yes, I was your Summer.

And as the days grew shorter and the nights became colder I discovered that whenever my mind would wander it would always seem to fall back to you. I remember one night, it must have been in August, the night was pure and honest, and I was caught up in the infinity of the swirling, silver cosmos. My father joined me at my side and pointed up at the sky and showed me the North Star, I had never seen it before. He told me that it was like a compass that would point you home; the lost man’s final hope. Something about that brilliant twinkling star rendered me helpless, I was lost in it’s hypnotizing light. I stared at that star for the rest of the night wonderstruck by it’s beauty and the comforting thought that it knew the way to anywhere you wanted to be. And as the Sun ascended the horizon’s heavenly staircase and peaked in a mirage of smudged pastels for the first time in my life, I felt lost, I felt lost without that star. I all of a sudden had so many questions but no answers, I grasped for sure footing in my jagged thoughts, but was startled to find that you kept popping into my mind, as bright and clear and undeniable as that, stupid, beautiful, bewitching star, and I found myself wondering if somehow, someway, you had become my North Star, the compass that could show my wandering soul the way. And as the world was morphed into view under Daylight’s knowing hands, I realized it was true, you were my last hope, you were going to take me home to a place I didn’t even know, but suddenly was desperately homesick for. And I tried so hard to fall out of alignment with you, to break away from your orbit and run from the galaxy that would soon be us, and the black hole that would **** me up. But I was going up against Gravity, and I was pulled down, down, down.

No matter how I tried, how much I told myself that you were not the only star I could see, that you were not my infinity. But it was futile and somewhere I knew that, I knew that as well as I knew that I wanted you to be my infinity, and I yours. I wanted to create the most beautiful galaxy the Seven Continents had ever seen, so vast and far that no telescope could capture it, and scientists would forever marvel how it came to be. But nowadays, I ask perhaps, If I had known what would happen when the Universe could no longer contain our overpowering glow, what would happen when my North Star exploded? When all I would have left would be memories that would leave a deep scar, but I wouldn’t be able to remember why, leaving me as clueless as I was that first night; when all I would have is whispers that were almost too quiet to hear but would constantly be a murmur in my ear? Have you ever stepped outside and looked up the night sky when the world is asleep and still, but the sky is more alive than you?  Have you ever tried to take a picture to remember the wondrous spectacle Mother Nature and the Heavenly Father have laid out for you? You can try all you want, and use up all the memory on your phone, but no matter what you do, you cannot capture the beauty above you. The pictures if not blurred from your frustrated shaking hands, are simply screens of black, with dots of white that could be dust where stars are supposed to be. And you must walk under those stars, to you they shine so loud and clear, they are right there for God’s sake, but you cannot capture their beauty, you cannot touch them. You must endure the torture of knowing but lacking. And that’s what would happen to me when my North Star exploded into whimsical stardust, when you left me in the pitch black; slowly I am being crushed by the weight of absolute nothingness. And ******, even if I had known this is what would happen to us, that this would happen to me...even if I had known all this to be true, I know I would follow you into that unsure, perilous blue where every man is for himself. Because everything is fair in love and war. And even to this day, over a year later, I would retrace my steps back to that night, and let you destroy my horizon, my faith in 11:11, and belief in shooting stars all over again, if only for a glimpse of you, my darling North Star, Pivoting Axle of my world, my Gravity, my Endless Summer; my Infinity.  

Because soon it became clear that you were my Summer too. You wrapped your loose ends around me and rocked me to sleep in your makeshift cradle like the hammock out back that we used to nap in, do you remember that? You were the pile of books that I whirl through every Summer under the Weeping Willow Tree. You made me smile, you made me laugh, you made me blush and you made me terribly sad. For even then you were my defining phrase and favorite quote that I felt spoke to me the most. You were the birds in the trees singing their fragile hearts out, you told me of Summers past, and how you accidently went backwards and migrated straight into the darkest winter you’d ever seen and couldn’t find your way out of the storm. And that’s why underneath my daisy chain your heart was laced with icy carnations, that’s why your lungs were filled with puffs of smoke that looked like a breath in the biting cold. And that’s why your lips were so ugly, bruised black, purple and blue, proof of what you’ve been through, and every time you tried to explain your torn past, your lips got worse, your skin became terribly chapped, and your voice cracked as you tried to fight back, but the words eventually bled through your lips, so you learned not to speak, because you hated to bleed. But regardless of your cold words and colder shoulder, you were still Summer to me.You were the fireworks on the 4th of July, you lit up the world and were all that I could see, I couldn’t look away, I was afraid to miss a thing. You were the crunch of graham crackers when you bite into a perfect s'more, and you were the laughter when your marshmallow catches on fire.  You were my favorite time of the day, in between night and day, when the sky melts into this glorious turquoise blue, and the silhouette of the pine trees stand out against the fading light. You were quiet and thoughtful, the feeling you get when you sit atop a Ferris Wheel at the the County Fair, you’re a little bit scared, but you can’t help but be blown away by the world below your dangling feet. You were the spike of fear and the adrenaline rush you get when you dive off a cliff into the water, you can’t help but wonder if there are dangerous rocks at the bottom, even though you know it’s too late and there is no stopping your falling body now. But you feel alive, you feel alive and when you survive, you feel unstoppable. That’s the way you made me feel, I was afraid of how much I loved you, how you could tear me apart and push me to the end of the world, and with a brush of your heavy fingertips I would topple over the edge, and I faced the monstrosity of wondering what it would like to be dead, and just before I would let myself go and come to an endless end, you would pull me back up and dust me off, wipe my tears and bandage my bleeding elbows and knees; I was scared that maybe you hurt me just to be the only one who knew what would save me. And I was absolutely terrified of that fact that if that was true, I would still love you. I was scared of you, I was scared of what would happen when Summer came to a end.

I remember I went to California that year for the very first time in my life right before school started. I thought it would be good, to be away from you. I told myself I hoped that you would get bored of waiting for me to come back home and find another girl to give the world, but deep down I knew that I wanted you to wait more than anything. But denial is my thing, as you would soon know all too well, it’s what I do best. So I denied my feelings for you, I denied having any at all. (I still do to this day.) And it was only in California, that I finally realized that I couldn’t keep lying to myself. It happened late at night, as I suppose the most truthful thoughts always do. I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned and rolled and stretched but the bed was lumpy and the sheets were suffocating and I found myself slipping away,  tiptoeing across the squeaking floor and squeezing out of the heavy wood door, into the fog and sea salt air. I walked for a very long time. I think when people are near the ocean, and have sins they have to wash from their bloodstained palms, they find a friend in the Ocean, someone to hold their hand and teach them how to stand and walk upon water. And that night, I glided to the ocean like a ghost whose tables had been turned and broken, and now finds itself the the haunted one with blistering splinters that it can not see, left over from a world that could not be; made up of broken promises, what if’s and missed moments they can never get back. The Ocean’s magnitude overwhelmed me and neutralized the quiet chaos bubbling beneath my skin. The rabid froth and spit of crashing waves put out the fire that was eating away at me and the undertow pulled me into the blue. I floated through the undefined blur of the the aqua world. I ran my hands through the rocky sand and felt the urgent weight and staggering cold of the water pulling me under, but risking my life in that current among the frothing foam horses racing against the Moon’s tide made me feel so alive. I am no mermaid, I cannot breathe underwater, but for the first time in seemingly forever I had air in my collapsing lungs, and I didn’t know you could drown on dry land until I was dying in the sea. But it was not my time, and I awoke washed up on the scraping sand with water in my ringing ears, knotted hair and no feeling in my blue fingers. I sat there on the diamond sand for a long time until I was strong enough again to lift my arm and slowly I reached into the sky, and grabbed my North Star and pulled it into my heart and where it glowed, I scrubbed myself clean of my history and orthodox scriptures with the salt of the sea and was born again free of frown lines. Something about the Ocean brings clarity, and yes it is dangerous and chaotic, it could destroy the world and wipe us all away, leaving not a trace of the human race, but the Ocean is a lifeboat, a saviour of many in a way. When you find yourself faced with a whole new infinity, a horizon that only ends when it meets another, you are small, and you are still. You are pinned against your past but then can remember how to breathe again, you exhale the toxic smoke swirling in your lungs and inhale the mist. Exhale the past, inhale the future, breathe child-for you are here, no longer there. You are small and you are still but you are real. And that night I learned two of Life’s endless lessons. First; People love what kills them. Faced with death you are flooded with life, it ignites your brittle bones and breathes music back into the silent calamity of your echoing heart. People love what kills them. Second; the person you think of when you stand in front of the ocean. That’s the person you’re in love with. And I thought of you, you, you. I thought of you and I never stopped. And it’s killing me.  

But I knew something but really nothing of death back then. So when I got home a week before school I asked if we could meet somewhere in between. And we did. Beneath glaring flick of fluorescent lights in the gas station’s parking lot that didn’t stay any open later than ten, surrounded by everything ugly about humans, rusty pennies, tumbling plastic bags, stomped out cigarette butts and smashed beer cans, you held my hands and kissed me for the very first time, and suddenly, the world was beautiful. We walked hand in hand for the longest time, but found ourselves just a block past the lonely parking lot, by the town’s fountain. We sat there and splashed out feet in the ***** water enjoying the feeling of being. You had brought a bag of Skittles and sorted the red ones from the rest, and when I asked why with a laugh you sheepishly admitted you remembered that I thought that the red ones were the best and that the lemons made my face wrinkle and nose tickle. I poked fun at you for remembering something that silly, but truthfully it meant the world to me, because it meant someone out there was listening to even the simplest things I had to say. And in the fluid reflection of those pool lights rippling across your perfect face, I could tell that even though that pitiful fountain was no ocean, that you were thinking only of me. That night we shot ourselves into the dark like shooting stars and fell into each other, that fateful night was the night we became each other’s North Star. But in the end, no one knows where that star is taking them, they call it a lost man’s compass and the last hope, but if he is lost is his compass not broken, or else wouldn’t he be home? Is hope then of no use? Are North Stars just poetry to salvage doomed souls? I often wonder if, regardless of our faith in each other’s sense of direction, if that night was the most we ever knew each other.

You told me you loved Cheezits, and Lucky Charms with Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup. You admitted that you chewed your nails to tiny stubs when you felt to much because all you ever wanted to be was numb. You confessed that you had trouble looking at your dad the same and saying,”I love you,” to your mom and tried to explain why video games were any fun. I pointed out all the scars on my legs and how I got them, whether it was from tearing through my childhood neighborhood on my Barbie tricycle or if it was from running over gravel trying to outrun myself and everything evil that clung to me. I muttered between my  hands and embarrassed giggles why I was terrified of fish and flies, and you laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe. I recalled for the first time the night mom died and everything that followed that night, awful night that never seemed to end, and with a quivering bottom lip counted off everything th

Everyone says that the sun chases the moon every day, every night, chasing her iridescent silver beauty for all eternity. But who says it isn’t the other way around? This is the story of how the moon and sun came to be.


He stares at her
And she returns the look,
But turns away shyly
He makes a joke
And she laughs but turns her head back to her book, because she thinks her laugh is ugly.
But he keeps staring at her; watching her laugh
And smiles quietly to himself.

His friends push him towards her laughing; they know.
She smiles at the ground as he approaches her
He asks her to dance his voice confident, but his eyes betray him.
She bites her lip and with a nod of her head leads him onto to the floor,
Glancing over at her friends and flashing them a gleeful grin.
And as she laces her arms around his neck
He closes his eyes and exhales

He waits for her at her locker everyday
And she looks for him when she reaches the top step
And when they see each other everything else fades away
And the whole world becomes mute.
He holds her bag as she gathers her things
And interrupts her chattering about a book
To remind her to grab her math homework
And they walk away
Hand in hand
Hearts in sync
Baboom, baboom, baboom, baboom.

And at night after their phones run out of juice
And it’s too dark to find a charger
He lies on her side of his bed, clutching her pillow
Because it smells like her hair.
And she holds the stuffed animal he bought her
His locket on her chest rises and falls
As she falls into sleep where she dreams about him
And he lies awake
Her brown eyes, pouty lips, and waving hips teasing him
And even though they said goodnight hours ago,
They never really leave each other.

His hand on her leg
Her thumb tracing his hand
His hand on her hip
Her head on his shoulder
His cologne on her skin
Her sparkly lip gloss on his neck
She’s on his mind
And his name is on her lips.
Everyone knows it except them
They were in love
For the very first time.

PART TWO/THE BIG BANG THEORY

But it’s a new season
And a new day
And as the sun comes out
She’s melting away
He tries to pick her back up
But the harder he pulls
And the closer she gets to the golden rays,
The quicker she melts away.
So she falls back into the night
Her mind was swept away by the moons tide,
Her heart froze over like flowers who blossom too early in spring,
And her skin grew pale like the snow hidden away in the wood’s shadows.

And maybe everything would’ve been okay;
If he had told her it was okay to feel blue like the midnight sky,
And that he didn’t care that her mind had a crack or two.
Or that her heart was decorated with icy carnations.
But he wanted the old her back;
The one that laughed at his jokes
And bit her lip when he spoke.
Whose hair was thick, lips full, and eyes bright.
But all he had left was a whisper of a girl he once loved
A skeleton that rattled when the wind blew too hard,
With eyes that were never there.
And at first he tried with all his might to hold her up,
But she was too heavy a heart to carry
And her feet dragged across the ground.
So he shoved her into a closet
And followed the horizon.
Because he was a sun child,
And where she once shined, she now glowed
And she faded into a moon child.

But he was the sun
And she was the moon
They weren’t meant to collide
But when they did,
Zeus struck down his golden lightning bolt to the mortal ground
The earth spilt apart and swallowed itself whole,
The Angels above screamed making the god’s ears bleed gold,
And the baby Jesus cried.
The stars ignited like a match that fell into a pool of gasoline,
And the universe exploded.
The blast sent them their own way.
But the Sun was stronger and greater and mightier,
And he rose above the fiery stars and bleeding sky and wailing gods,
But the Moon crumbled and fell down,
                            down,
                                down,
To the deepest cavern of the ocean
That even the great kraken feared.
And the Sun left her
But she never left him.
She follows in his shadow
Glimpses of his iridescent light
Is the only thing that keeps her going.
But he is the Sun.
And she is the Moon.
And they will never ever be.
And that is what will **** her.

i can't move
my heart hurts so much

getting wasted and high
 doesn't seem so romantic,  

but if they had seen how you looked into my eyes
then 
they might see

why i love you the way I do.

I'm not getting better
In fact,
I'm getting so much worse.
Everything is falling down
The tall pillars are crumbling down
All around my broken body
The doctors keep telling me
I'm cutting too deep
Eating too little
Purging too much.
But I can't stop.
Because you see,
The voices are getting louder
I can't ignore them
I can't block out my own thoughts,
Even though they're killing me.
I see things that aren't even there.
Can't you see I'm insane?
Or do you just choose to look away
And lie to yourself, saying,
"Oh, she's getting better."
Just so you can get a good nights sleep?
While I kiss the razor's sparkling blade.
You're watching me turn to ashes,
I know it won't be long,
Till I'm blown away.
My pulse is fading
My breathing is jagged
My mind is broken
But then again,
Once I'm gone,
You won't have to lose any more sleep.
So don't worry about me.
It won't be long
Until I leave you alone.

your kisses stain my lips
jawline and collarbone
your warm breath tingles
down my spine
your laugh
rings in my ears
these things are with me
forever and always
you say you're here but
you're really over there
smiling and laughing
with that pretty girl
i just watch as my world
shatters into a thousand
shimmering and glimmering pieces
like the stars i used to wish on
you and i dance across
my horribly ugly mind
we whirl and twirl
laughing and kissing
in their own wonderful world
full of secret i love you's
sly glances and stolen red whine
taken from your mom's liquor cupboard
in the dead of night
as the dancing figures get closer
i run farther away
trying so desperately to escape
these murderous memories
soft kisses and sweet whispers

Forget the things you once read
Those girl's eyes are now dead

No more to cry those lonely tears
Or to show her rising fears

Depression and insanity
No longer will she have to flee

She'll never think her vengeful thoughts
And in the ground her body rots

She made the choice to let go
The tests will show she went slow

She never blamed a single soul
In this choice we played no role

This sad, sad girl did feel no pain
As from her veins the blood did drain

She made two cuts upon her wrists
Her hands were clenched in ****** fists

We hope this girl did find some peace
As her life began to cease

Her eyes stayed open as she died
And tears did fall as she cried

She never fought to hold on
Just let go till she was gone

Suicide to end her pain
Her tears would fall an icy rain

I lie here, all alone, as it builds up inside me, denser, taller, faster.
The blade glitters, and temptation calls to me.
But no, I must resist.

My hand crawls towards fate, slowly and carefully signing my destiny.
But no, I must resist.

My fingers curl around its sharp edge, lifting it slightly, and his voice echoes through my mind.
But no, I must resist.

The Oath swirls through me, my forced promise to him; "I'll stay alive for you, only you." My fingers tighten.
But no, I must resist.

Memories caress me gently, probing my common sense, dancing with my self-control. The blade sweeps toward my wrist in one, fluid movement.
But no, I must resist.

Numbness taunts me, calling my name softly, fluttering out of my reach as I lunge for it. A sharp edge presses into my hope.
But no, I must resist.

His face appears in my mind, smiles, and vanishes. The blade draws its sorrow over the inside of my arm, etching his laugh into my skin.
But no, I must resist.

My promises flow onto the floor with my life, as my mangled arm lifts the blade and deals its burdens onto its sister.
But no, I must resist.

The blade drops to the floor as my strength slowly dissipates. I close my eyes and say my apologies to him, pray that one day he will forgive me.
But no, I must resist...

I lie as still as a dead man, the knowledge of what I have done pressing into me, my life being forced out of me through his smile, patterned onto my wrist.
I close my eyes.
Resistance is Futile.

I smiled as you walked by,
But I failed to catch your eye,
And so I waved instead,
But you ignored my hand,
How did it come to this?
I know you wanted space,
But an ocean is too far away.

What do you want from me,
My blood or just my tears?
I gave you all I had to give,
Now you won't let me live,
I'm dying in the rain,
That's falling down on me,
Leaving me with so much pain.

You can drift and you can dream,
And even walk across the sea,
You may even think of me,
As a distant memory,
But when I'm thinking of you,
My tears fill up my shoes,
As they drip down from my face.

We made a daisy chain,
But you crushed it in your hand,
You used to touch so soft,
But now you wear a ****** glove,
Your bitter words of hate,
Lead me to regret,
That I ever saw your face.

We used to love the breeze,
As it played among the trees,
But soon a storm blew up,
Now the wind blows through my heart,
It leaves me very cold,
It's demoralised my soul,
And I don't think I can go on.

These thoughts of suicide,
That infiltrate my mind,
I can put them down to you,
At least that's my excuse,
As I write my final note,
To let everybody know,
Just exactly what you've done.

May you live with your remorse,
May you never forgive yourself,
May you drown in your own guilt,
And feel the same cold in your soul,
The cold you left me with,
Straight from the arctic,
May it burn your heart with frost.

It's not that I hate you,
But it's so hard to forgive you,
While my heart bleeds on the bed,
A bed that we once shared,
In a way, I'm glad your gone,
So that I can be left alone,
To perform my suicidal thoughts.

I was not born brave
I grew into my ferocity
like a lion
growing into his roar.

I was not born in the cosmos; nor was I born in the fields
I was born behind a curtain
she cut it open, oh, she cut it open

I was foolish until I was not,
I was scared until I was not,
I was silent until I was not,
there is little that we have left.

I was not born a king; nor was I born a peasant
sunflowers bow to no one, lambs and lions rejoice
everyone has been here before; and here we are again

the ash falls, the fire crackles
we have all sinned in this life and others
blood stains red on all upturned palms
we hold hands.

the heart has many vessels,
the cathedral stood tall, unreachable
the bike was broken, the bike was there.

say all you feel has to be said
somewhere a flower is wilting
and someone is being born
think of everything, think of everyone

say all that comes to your mind
stars will continue to shine
the world will continue to turn
few things stay the same, few things change

the silence is unbearable
if only one was to remain
i'd wish it to be you
there is nothing left, the earth is reborn

the world is quiet now
grey-scale.
wishes are rarely granted,
please open your eyes.

I count the hours,
I count the days.
Since you left me.
How much I miss you,
I count the ways.

I miss your voice,
I miss your touch.
And I miss the face,
That I love so much.

You used to call me baby
Shortie, my world, my love
You used to tickle me and tease me
And say you loved me to the moon
And back.
Darling boy,
You were so in love!

So why cant you just love me again?
Oh my darling boy
I’ve tried in vain
To forget your golden eyes
And smiling face
But that is impossible.
But you seemed to have
Forgotten me.

I so badly wish you loved me.
Once again.
I long to feel
Your warm embrace.
And to see a smile,
Upon your face.
Just one more time.

How to describe it,
There is no way.
The feeling
that is driven deep in my heart
I walk around,
In a permanent daze.

You were pure and sweet
Dangerous and troubled
All at the same beautiful time
You are truly perfect my darling boy.

I miss you so much my darling boy,
To the moon and back again.
And this feeling will go on,
Forever and ever, my darling boy.

it's 3 AM darling
i haven't slept a wink
or had a steady breath of air
i run outside in my favorite red rain boots
i laugh and giggle as i leap and bound
splashing in puddles and delighting in life
i slip off the covers, flick on the dim lights
it's the nightly routine,
open the dresser drawer, grab the razors
the sky is gray but
i am as bright as a sunflower
as i twirl around and around in the rain
i open the bathroom door
and slide down the wall
the world spinning, the walls collasping
i laugh and shout as my baby sister runs out
to join in on the fun and games
we run hand in hand down the wet street
i sob and sob until there's nothing left
but ragged gasps
trying to breathe, but i forget how
i laugh so hard i can't breathe
as she and i dance in the streetlight
as the rain falls down around us,
creating a halo around us of illuminated raindrops
i sink lower and lean my head back
the silver blade slashes against my skin
as shimmering tears dance in my eyes
the sky opens up
and the heavens shine down on us
the beautiful sunlight peeking shyly through
life is a wonderful thing, i think to myself
the blood trickles down
you're over, you're done
you're living,
but your not breathing or feeling,
you're so far past repair,
why bother to stay in this wretched world of despair
when you know you're dead, you're worthless,
what a fool i was to think life was good.

Why do my knees go weak
Everytime
My eyes meet yours

he was tall
i am short
he was strong
i am weak
he was the football star
and homecoming king
i was the girl
who sat alone in the library
and kept her head down in the hallways
he was loved
i was invisible
but some how
he, of all people
saw me, and loved me.
he made me feel beautiful
and made me happy
he tickled and teased his way
into my chaotic mind
he kissed and charmed his way
into my heart
but he was the sun
and i am the moon
we weren't meant to collide
but when we did
the universe exploded
and the blast sent us our own ways
he left me
but i never left him.
i follow in his shadow
glimpses of his iridescent light
is the only thing that keeps me going.
but he is the sun
and i am the moon
we will never be together again.
and that is what will **** me.

Everything ends
That thought is so strange to me
That one day
I'll just be another sad face
In a sea of people rushing by you
That I won't have a meaning
Attached to my name
I'll just be another sad girl
But I'll never forget you
I'll never forget how you:
Sent tingles down my spine
And made my hands sweaty
With just a touch.
I'll remember how it seemed
Our lips were cut
From the same mold.
I'll remember how fussy you are
About the smallest things
That I don't give a **** about
All I care about is you
And your golden eyes.
I love you.
And I won't forget you.
But you'll forget me.
You'll forget how hard
I made you laugh
How happy you were
When you were with me
And the way it felt
When my hips
Were flushed against yours.
In reckless abandon of sanity.
But that's not all.
You'll forget this town
And everyone in it.
You'll leave.
But I'll still be crying
Over memories
I'm to scared to let go of.
Because that would mean
I would be letting go of you.

I want to evaporate
Disappear into the great
Black obysss.
Into the night sky
So clear and sure
Twinkling and sparkling
Moon dust in my hair
I dance with death,
He spins me and twirls me.
He's my puppet master
He's dangling my life
By a silken shimmering silver thread.
He kisses my neck,
And my chapped parted lips
Forever screaming silent pleas
Someone, anyone,
Save me from the nothing
I've slowly become.
I'm done with dancing,
I've grown to tired to keep going,
Take me with death.
I'm done with dancing.
My heart aches and yearns,
For a past that will never return.
A life I can never have,
A family I've lost,
Somewhere in this journey.
I'm done with dancing.
My mind bleeds
Forever asking me why do stay.
It'd be so easy. To just slip away.
To forget the reasons why,
I should never pull the trigger.
And be selfish. And just do it.
I'm done with dancing.
My soul is screaming and careening.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I've lost my way and myself.
I'm tortured by demons
Ever present. Ever there.
Whispering in my ear,
They tell me what to do.
I'm done with dancing.
I shake the moon dust from my hair.
It'll melt in hell anyway.

The hurt in my eyes is all that has to be said
Sometimes I know I'm better off dead
The pain is the only thing I can feel
Knowing it's the one thing that's real
Behind all the games and lies
An emptiness haunts my eyes
A person who I used to be
Worse even though it wasn't me
Sorrow consuming every thought
Slowly losing everything I've got
Darkness closing in all around
Still I don't make a single sound
Evil fills the void inside
This life's not one I'll confide
However deeper someone tries to look
Whatever happens the ground has shook
The dread and hate leaves me in a daze
All around me demons fires blaze
Living isn't worthwhile if its torture
Yet it's that to which I'm not sure
Don't try to understand the words written here
For I'm not the one to fear

My personal nightmare,
Every night,
I dream,
A twisting cold passage,
Countless keys,
To countless doors,
Frames of memories,
Of  a happy time.
I run through the corridors,
Forever trying to find the door,
The door that leads to a long time ago.

One cut
Two cut
Three cuts more
No more Ruby no more.
Four cuts
Five Cuts
Can’t let it go,
Can’t stop it.
I love the rush
The release from my chains
That have been choking me.
This obsession,
With societies idea of
“Perfection?”
It’s killing me.
Your obsession of me,
it’s merely a fascination of the sick
And twisted.
Want to see more?
Come here.
I’ll show you darling.
You start here you go there.
You feel nothing but the knife.
Sweet silver against the white.
******* torture.
Oh I see.
Now you’re scared of me.
But my pet.
I’ll just laugh in your face.
Because you see:
YOU did this to me.
I’d like white roses for my funeral.