Today she cried

And that’s when my heart died

Once Again.

Yesterday she smiled

And oh what a wonderful smile it was

I wasn’t there that time, but I can

Only imagine....

To think she’s in pain,

Rips my soul into a pile of  shredded remain

Every success feels

Like I won a Nobel prize

But every setback feels

like another piece of my heart taken away

like a petal removed from

A flower

I can’t... but I have to

I love her too much

And that may be the very thing

that destroys me and

strengthens me all at the same time

My petals may be taken away

(everyday, I might add)

But it is my love for her that will

Put back a petal every time

one goes away, because

I love her too much to not stay

Read my mind, and you have gotten my attention.

****** my heart, and you have gotten my body.

Decipher my soul,  and you have gotten me for eternity.

flowing, my tears are flowing
i just want to have my the end.
numbness, my soul is drowning
in an ocean of numbness

stop. please. make it stop.
I. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE!!!!
when can i reach my the end???
i don't want to continue on IF life is like this.

my heart, so frozen...
my mind, so self-poisoned...

Today I am lost

Not the lost where you don’t know the way

yet you know the destination,

But the scarier one,

The one where you don’t know the destination... period

So what happens to the journey?

Where does she go without him?
————————————————
today I am lost and so is she

Today I ask and so does she:

When in the world is he?

Can you miss something you never had?

You can only miss something if you had it because

If you never felt how it was to have it and then proceed to like it,

Is it even possible to miss it?

Can you miss something you never felt?

I feel a sense of adhuri

Why do I not feel complete?

I’m missing something

I wish to heal, not get burned again

I wish to not re-open my wounds,

But rather let old scars fade

I don’t want to be unhappy

I have the privilege of knowing where my happy place is

Alas, there I cannot go, here I must reside

It’s OK if he goes
it’ll be OK if he leaves
I know he will go somewhere better
so it’s OK if he goes
....
I wish he would stay  
I wish you, would stay
it’s OK if you go
but I so wish you would stay

I'm back into this beautifully torturous environment  

That I so un-proudly call “home”

Chained, restricted, duct tape shut

I’ve felt it all before

#childhood

The scars, the bruises, and the cuts

They were starting to heal, slowly but surely

But I’m starting to feel the cuts reopen

The bruises coming once again

And the scars shining brighter than before, taunting me with the reminder

That there is truly no place like home

I've been thinking
I've been dreaming
And... I've been nightmaring

I want to love him
I want him to love me
Learn about me and then still love me

I want him to hear of my gruesome times
and then kiss me with such surety
that it helps my soul stop quivering

When you don't like yourself
You tend to dislike everything connected to you

New things seems to be more attractive
When you learn to love yourself

Then the same old love
Starts looking new
Starts looking nice

Thank you
For teaching me
How to love myself

I want to say I know how I feel

But to be honest I have no ******* clue

Am I happy or sad? Am I green or blue?

oh how I wish I knew

What triggered this?

I don't know

But maybe it’s ok if I don’t

Do I always have to know?

I don't know

And I think its ok to not know

Because I feel like it’s bigger than me

feelings, emotions, love, hate, jazbadi, barbadi

Sure I feel them, and sometimes I recognize them too

But all of these things are beyond me, and my current body

that this soul has wanted to reside in this time

i wonder….

Do I get to claim the body or the soul?

Which one is truly mine?

i guess it depends

Who is I?

The body or the soul?

maybe I am the emotions themselves

Maybe I am the feelings that arise when the soul and this body align

Am I the electricity that runs through this body when it feels exhilarated  

Am I the feeling of warmth when a loved one gives this body a hug

Or am I the rage that causes this body to feel like it wants to explode

Possibly, am I the boulder that sits on the heart of this body when saddened

i am all of those feelings and more

I am THIS soul that chose THIS body at THIS time of space continuum  

But what I can’t say is why? because That’s someone else’s job

Thank god, because Lord knows this job is no joke

what I can say is whoever is doing all of this, thank you… thank you so much

For letting this soul experience the closest thing to magic there is… INSANIYAT

my genes were not my choice

my eye color was not my choice

my height was not my choice

MY SKIN WAS NOT MY CHOICE

so why do you discriminate me for

my skin and no my eye color or height?

why discriminate me about

something i had no choice in at all?

you make me feel like it's my fault

when no fault is there to begin with...

i loved her, & she i, but you reject me

because i am dark, why?

i ask you not to reject me, but if you

were to, why not because of

something i have control over like

my words? my commitment?

at least i can take it as constructive

criticism and self-reflect. but....

what can i do to change my pigment???

Alone? No

Lonely? Absolutely

For when she wishes to find him, he is out saving someone else

Just like he did her

It;s not that she’s special,

It's just that he’s too good

It's not his heart that wanted to save her

It's his will to always do good that did

So, again, she must turn away

Or else she will get lost

Lost in his constant will to do good, for everyone

Not just her, like she first thought

Maybe in hindsight, being lonely, yet found *****

But being lost is worse…. Way worse

So with that she turns away, back to the misery of being found, yet alone

Walking away from him, knowing that he won’t miss her anyway

When you don't like yourself
You tend to dislike everything connected to you
New things seem to be more attractive

When you learn to love yourself
Then the same old love
Starts looking new
Starts looking nice

Thank you
For teaching me
How to love myself